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Suicide Squat
Week of 09/29/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Satirical photo-illustration of Florida Representative Matt Gaetz 'giving a speech' on the floor of the House of Representatives on C-Span dressed in black wearing bombs wrapped around his midsection and speaking into a walkie-talkie as he bransishes a detonator.Congress begins to admit it’s running out of time to avoid a government shutdown
–– And nation’s eternal contempt.

Studios Present “Best and Final” Offer to WGA
–– Issue Guild-edged security.

Senate leaders reach deal on short-term spending bill in push to avert shutdown
–– Expected to suffer long-term death.

Shutdown odds grow as House GOP leaders reject Senate’s spending bill
–– Because it made ‘lick of sense.’

Speaker McCarthy is giving hard-right Republicans what they want. But it never seems to be enough.
–– Turns out his nuts have negative market value.

Judge Finds Trump Inflated Property Values, a Victory for New York A.G.
–– Gee, where’d he get all that hot air?

Trump Freaks out After Judge Finds Him Liable for Fraud: ‘I AM WORTH MUCH MORE THAN THE NUMBERS SHOWN’
–– ‘A cool Trumpzillion!’

Donald Trump's Former Aide Believes the Possible Loss of Trump Tower Would Be More Devastating Than Prison
–– Here’s to both happening soon so we can test theory.

House GOP’s impeachment witnesses say there's no evidence yet that Biden committed a crime
–– In latest definition of ‘absolutely no evidence.’

Republicans’ Key “Biden Corruption” Witness Torches Their Entire Claims
–– Could do with Bic lighter.

IRS agent said CNN has Hunter Biden email where Hunter claimed legal 'stuff' would go away under Biden admin
— Wild claims from alibiing crack addict always solid evidence.

Biden Joins Autoworkers on Picket Line in Michigan
–– Reminisces about his first Model-T.

Cassidy Hutchinson says Mark Meadows burned so many documents before leaving the White House that the then-chief of staff's wife complained about dry-cleaning bills to remove the 'bonfire' smell: report
–– Bonfire of the inanities.

Cassidy Hutchinson says she once encountered MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell exploring the White House unescorted
–– Alternately fluffing, fucking pillows in bedrooms.

Former Trump Adviser Calls Cassidy Hutchinson and Other Female White House Aides ‘Pimp Ladies’
–– Providing Trump service from rant boys.

‘The View’ Host Whoopi Goldberg Asks Former Trump Aide Cassidy Hutchinson Point Blank: ‘Did You Not Realize You Were in a Cult?’
–– Like Antiscientology.

"They have to stop the debates": After second GOP face-off, Trump demands RNC silence his opponents
–– Demands 2-hour Fox forum with voices in head.

Trump campaign backtracks claim that he bought a Glock handgun in South Carolina after it became clear that would be illegal
–– Why doesn’t he rescind other lies when it's clear they’re illegal.

Trump suggests Mark Milley should be executed in possible breach of pre-trial release condition
–– Suggests anti-aircraft gun based on suggestion of pal Kim.

Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp, who has long been one of Trump's biggest political targets, says he'll back the ex-president should he win the GOP nomination
–– If he promises to repeatedly kick him in crotch with high heels.

US government and 17 states sue Amazon in landmark monopoly case
–– After overnight delivery of legal guidance.

U.S. Accuses Amazon of Illegally Protecting Monopoly in Online Retail
–– And selling too many damn versions.

Cliven Bundy and His Cows Continue to Flout the Law
–– That’s no way to refer to his womenfolk.

Menendez co-defendant Wael Hana pleads not guilty in alleged bribery scheme
–– Government Waeled on him. Holy Hana!

Side by Side, Menendez and His Wife Plead Not Guilty to Bribery Charges
–– Has all the veracity of Menendez brothers.

Misinformation research is buckling under GOP legal attacks
–– Not because GOP overwhelming them with evidence?

House approves amendment from Marjorie Taylor Greene to cut Lloyd Austin's salary to $1
–– Pans Austin powers.

Lauren Boebert Addresses Theater Groping Incident: 'I'm Human Too'
–– Prove it.

Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly attended Koch network donor events
–– Reportedly snorted Koch.

U.S. is ‘directly at war’ with Moscow, Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov says
–– Cuts out middle man.

Why Ukraine's Patriot missile systems can't cope with Russia's old, iron bombs
–– Old bombs not smart enough to know when they're beat.

Ukraine has 'completely defeated' a Russian naval infantry brigade of the Black Sea Fleet — for a second time, says think tank
–– In new definition of ‘completely.’

Putin’s Black Sea fleet commander ‘killed in navy attack’ as Ukraine breakthrough triggers ‘panic’
–– Um, uh, yay?

Russian admiral claimed to have been killed in Ukrainian attack appears in video interview
–– Ukraine will have to ‘completely kill’ again.

Ukrainian drone video captures inflatable Russian tanks on the battlefield, highlighting the role decoys and deception are playing in the war
–– Commanded by Putin’s inflatable sex doll, Natasha.

Never ‘insult Poles again,’ Poland’s prime minister tells Ukraine’s Zelensky
–– No Pole faulting.

Russian troops raped women as old as 83 while their families were forced to listen
–– With hearing aids.

South China Sea: Philippines removes Chinese barrier in contested area
–– Net loss.

U.S. Provided Canada With Intelligence on Killing of Sikh Leader
–– Should’ve provided Indian government intelligence before stupid move.

Sikh groups ask Canadian political parties to present 'united front' against India
–– Worried sikh.

Iranian president’s wife defends harsh punishments under new hijab law
–– Wasn’t wearing veil to cover lying face.

US 'disappointed' Solomon Islands leader Sogavare to miss White House summit
–– After finally learning his name.

Once Inconceivable, Officials’ Visits Highlight Warming Saudi-Israeli Ties
–– Netanyahu wants tips on how to vivisect journalists.

Donald Trump turns on old friend Howard Stern calling him a 'broken weirdo' and a 'disloyal guy'
–– Stern rebuke.

Writers Guild Reaches Tentative Agreement With Studios and Streamers, Union Says
–– Trying to overcome writers’ bloc.

Hollywood writers to return to work after WGA leaders vote to end strike
–– Unrolling parchments, boiling ink, sharpening quills.

Michael Caine Doesn’t Understand the Need for Intimacy Coordinators: ‘In My Day, You Just Did the Love Scene and Got on With It’
–– ‘And that was in the trailer, mate. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.’

Authorities dispatched to Britney Spears’ home over video showing singer dancing with knives
–– With spears we’d understand.

Naked Attraction leaves American viewers stunned as it airs in the US
— Genital urpies.

Why Kristen Stewart’s Stylist Went on a Three-Month Shopping Hiatus
–– Oh, do tell!

Lizzo Accepts Humanitarian Award on the Heels of Another Lawsuit
–– Not Employer of the Year?

Pete Davidson’s Complete Dating History, From Carly Aquilino to Madelyn Cline
–– He's original chick maggot.

Academy to Replace the Oscar for ‘Gone With the Wind’ Star Hattie McDaniel, 60 Years After It Went Missing
–– With golden replica Mammy award.

Julia Fox says she didn't write about having sex with Kanye West in her memoir because 'there, like, wasn't any'
–– She noticed.

’Taxi Driver’ Writer Slams Robert De Niro for Reprising Travis Bickle Role in Uber Ad: ‘Why Bob Would Do This Is Beyond My Reckoning’
–– Travesty Bickle.

Robert De Niro Is Not Reprising ‘Taxi Driver’ Role for Uber U.K. Ad Campaign, Rep Says
–– Schrader: ‘Why I would comment on Bob not reprising ‘Taxi Driver ‘ role for Uber ad is beyond my reckoning.’

Martin Scorsese Says ‘Fight Back’ Against Comic Book Movie Culture by Supporting Directors Like Christopher Nolan: ‘We’ve Got to Save Cinema’
–– From him!

Anderson Cooper Reveals That Prince Once Asked Him to Explain the 2008 Financial Crash
–– When doves cry from laughter.

Comedy Central Widens Search for ‘Daily Show’ Host Beyond Hasan Minhaj (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Now considering candidates who are at least remotely amusing.

Top Comedians React to New Golden Globes Stand-Up Category: ‘It Should Be Called the Ricky Gervais’
–– With two drink minimum.

‘Some Like It Hot’ Broadway Musical Announces Closing
–– Many like it not.

Royal Family Reveals Rare Fact About King Charles amid Surprise Outing in Scotland
–– Concerning frilly panties under kilt.

Deion Sanders' message after Colorado's blowout loss at Oregon: 'You better get me right now'
–– Knee on Deion.

Miami Dolphins score 70 points and take a knee rather than take a shot at NFL scoring mark
–– Bust Broncos.

Jets' Sauce Gardner says he was hit with a cheap shot to his 'private parts' from Patriots' Jones
–– Two all beef patties, special sores.

Usher Confirmed as Super Bowl 2024 Halftime Performer
–– After showing fans to seats.

LB Fans Call for Ángel Hernández's Job After Ump’s Embarrassing Ejection of Bryce Harper
–– Harper's bizarre.

NBA suspends former Spurs guard Joshua Primo for indecent exposure
–– And double dribbling.

Miss USA descended into chaos after contestants claimed it was rigged. Here's a timeline of all the drama.
–– Down chutes of sheer idiocy.

Couple suing Disney World after ride down water slide leads to injuries caused by 'painful wedgie'
–– Plunger’s crack.

Billionaire with ‘more wine than could be drunk in a lifetime’ to sell 25,000 bottles worth $50M
–– To people with more money than can be wasted in lifetime.

FDA Adds New Side Effect Warning to Ozempic Label
–– Spreading oneself too thin.

Short bursts of activity, totaling less than 10 minutes, linked to lower risk of death
–– One per week!

It took 6 years to flip this school into a 27,000 square foot home. See what it looks like
–– Upside down!

Qatar Airways executive says invasive gynecological examinations of passengers won't be repeated
–– He has all the photos he needs.

Venezuela regains control of prison where inmates built swimming pool, restaurants
–– Army was unable to get reservations.

MAGA Hat Gunman Opens Fire at Rally Over Conquistador Statue: Reports
–– European conquerors his kind of immigrant.

Angry customer and auto shop owner kill each other in a shootout, Florida cops say
–– Got all up in each other’s grilles.

La. Woman Alleges Police Sexually Humiliated Her in 'Torture Warehouse' Called 'Brave Cave'
–– Used ‘tomahawk chop’ on victims.

D.C. surpasses 200 homicides for the year at earliest point since 1997
–– Almost only measure passed in nation’s capital.

Philadelphia Apple Store “Looting” Leads To 20 Arrests
–– Did it affect core business?

All liquor stores closed in Philadelphia after multiple stores were looted overnight
— How will cops steady nerves?

For $18.65, famous artist designs racial justice windows for National Cathedral
–– Sorry, they overpaid.

An Ambitious Antiracism Center Scales Back Amid Allegations of Poor Management
–– Rock Kendi.

What it means if your dog pushes their nose into people––the answer is adorable
–– Depending on how deep.

Missing 2-year-old girl discovered snuggled up with her dogs in remote woods, using one as a furry pillow
–– How sweet –– maybe you should misplace your toddler, too.

A giant alligator in Florida was killed after being seen spotted with a lifeless human body in its jaws, police said
–– One-handed mustachioed male clutching alarm clock.

Why are these orcas harassing porpoises? Scientists have 3 theories.
–– 2. It’s not on porpoise.

Go Outside, Sink Your Feet Into the Dirt and Engage With the World
–– You go stick head in mud.

The world's oldest shoes? Sandals found in bat cave are thousands of years old, study finds
–– Next to work’s oldest utility belt, bat cape?

Science paints a new picture of the ancient past, when we mixed and mated with other kinds of humans
–– We no longer do this?

Hear what surprised Neil deGrasse Tyson about the purported 'alien corpses' shown in Mexico's congress
–– Corn husk wraps.

NASA scientists calculated the exact date an asteroid could hit Earth with the force of at least 24 nuclear bombs. Thankfully, it's a long way off.
–– Check back with us in 150 years.

An amateur astronomer caught one of the brightest fireballs ever seen on Jupiter. Watch the rare video footage.
–– In ER burn unit.

15 Years Ago, UFO Sightings Rocked a Small Texas Town. The Mystery Remains.
–– Of why we’re still writing about this.

Why record-setting astronaut was told to 'keep your mouth shut' upon returning to Earth
–– To try to keep xenomorph from escaping.

In Hospitals, Viruses Are Everywhere. Masks Are Not.
–– They're hard to fit on little bastards.

NYC FLOODING | Mayor Adams defends speed of admin’s response to torrential rain, flash floods across city
–– Pisses down backs, tells New Yorkers it’s raining.

Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter visit Georgia festival ahead of former president’s 99th birthday, Carter Center says
–– Wave to peanut gallery.

Jimmy Carter makes rare public appearance, days before his birthday and 7 months after starting hospice
–– White-garbed hospice workers chase after car with over-sized butterfly nets to strains of Yakety Sax.

Brooks Robinson, Hall of Fame Orioles third baseman, dies at 86
–– Hope he doesn’t end up in hot corner.

Michael Gambon, Dumbledore actor in ‘Harry Potter,’ dies age 82
–– Vanished in poof.

David McCallum of The Man from UNCLE and NCIS fame dies aged 90
–– Didn’t know he was Ilya.

From California to Capitol Hill, tributes to Dianne Feinstein flood in after her death
–– Tributes of relief.

Who will Newsom pick to replace Dianne Feinstein? Here are some possibilities
–– Don't be discouraged, fellers.