Bitch Comer
Week of 09/22/23
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
House Oversight Committee to hold first Biden impeachment inquiry hearing next week
–– Initial query: WTF?
Why furniture got so bad
–– Influence of dirty doilies.
Has Biden been impeached? What is the impeachment process? Here's what you need to know.
–– Jesus, USA Today, did you have stroke?
’This is student government': Newsom mocks impeachment inquiry into Biden
–– For school of guppies.
Schumer in talks with McConnell as shutdown fears grow: ‘We may now have to go first’
–– Rest of talks: ‘Mitch? Hey, Mitch, over here. Mitch? Mitch? Can you hear me, Mitch?’
House GOP leaders sending members home for the week as shutdown appears increasingly likely
–– With sick notes from mental health professionals.
Democrat Taunts GOP Leader With Bill To Block Lawmaker Pay During Government Shutdown
–– Fishing line attached to bill to yank away when he tries to read.
Trump, who led the longest government shutdown in US history, calls on Republicans to let it happen again in 9 days so they can 'defund these political prosecutions against me'
–– His fate sole concern of legislature.
Merrick Garland faced fire from Republicans on Hunter Biden, Trump
–– Of soggy-match variety.
Kristen Welker Criticized for Lie-Filled Trump Interview in ‘Meet the Press’ Debut: ‘Horrible Way to Start Her Tenure’
–– Admits: 'Me depress.'
Kristen Welker’s ‘Meet the Press’ Debut Derailed by Trump Derangement
–– Did answer wide derange of questions.
Trump says it was ‘my decision’ to try to overturn 2020 election results
–– Gee, he’s more brilliant decider than GW!
Trump has sharp exchange with NBC's Kristen Welker after she asked if he watched the January 6 riot unfold on TV in the White House dining room
–– In new definition of sharp.
Ex-White House Aide Reveals Why Trump Wouldn't Wear A Mask During Pandemic
–– Wins bronzer medal.
Former Donald Trump aide Cassidy Hutchinson alleges Rudy Giuliani groped her before Capitol attack
–– Thought she was 18-liter bottle of Chianti.
Rudy Giuliani’s former lawyer sues him for $1.36M over alleged unpaid fees
–– Rudy: ‘See, the fees themselves are alleged!’
‘Come Here, Big Tits’: Rudy Giuliani’s Sex Abuse Accuser Has the Tapes
–– Sure he wasn’t summoning Lev Parnas, Igor Fruman?
Trump Warns That ‘Cognitively Impaired’ Biden Will ‘Lead Us Into World War 2’ in Confused Speech (Video)
–– Trump will skip directly to World War 4.
NYC shelters set to dump thousands of migrants to discourage new arrivals
–– In Hudson and see if they can make it to Jersey shore.
Karine Jean-Pierre blasted for blaming border crisis on Republicans while claiming Biden doing 'everything' he can
–– Second part may well be true.
Republican Texas AG Ken Paxton is acquitted of corruption charges at historic impeachment trial
–– Acquitters never win, winners never acquit.
Ted Cruz, known to wear workout clothes to votes, isn't outraged about the Senate's new dress code
–– Raises point of odor.
Lauren Boebert Caught Fondling Date’s Genitals During Family-Friendly Musical: Video
–– Penile juice, penile juice, penile juice!
Rep. Lauren Boebert's Estranged Husband Blames Himself For Marriage Failure
–– Should've tried grope therapy.
Lauren Boebert's fondling incident may have violated Colorado's public indecency law, but an attorney said she probably won't be charged
–– DA won't put squeeze on even if she begs.
Kari Lake wants to review your early ballot envelope and is asking a court for permission
–– Staring at sealed envelope might be job she’s qualified for.
Sen. Bob Menendez indicted again for corruption, allegedly had cash stuffed in coat, gold bars
–– Stuffed in Senate Seat.
Senator Menendez was indicted once before. Here's a history of his legal woes
––
One more indictment and Jersey will designate Senator for Life.
Opinion: Musk, McCarthy and Romney are three kinds of leaders
–– And rainbow of idiots.
When Netanyahu Met Musk
–– Faked orgasm scene in Katz’s a scream.
Doc Martens, Bomber Jackets, No Ties: Parsing Gen Z Politicians’ Style
–– We’ll parse.
In U.S. Visit, Zelensky to Make a Case for More Aid, and Say Thank You
–– With swag bags filled with downed Russian drones.
Biden Aides and Saudis Explore Defense Treaty Modeled After Asian Pacts
–– Knock-offs like Birkin Stick sandals, Abidas sneakers.
The Elusive Figure Running Wagner’s Embattled Empire of Gold and Diamonds
–– Wagner: the dog.
Inside Kim Jong Un's bulletproof train loaded with weapons and 'lady conductors'
–– And fedora wranglers.
A fire at an Iranian defense ministry's car battery factory has...
–– We’ve heard better joke set-ups, Daily Mail.
Turkey’s president Erdoğan doesn’t know what Pride colours are, makes UN complaint anyway
–– Always assumed he was on spectrum.
Rupert Murdoch stepping down as chairman of News Corp. and Fox
–– Isn't it crawling up from?
Succession, Rupert-Style: What Wall Street Makes of Murdoch’s Retirement
–– Own son turns out to be Tom Wambsgans.
When Rupert Murdoch's Empire Was at Its Peak
–– When it was in pique.
WGAW President Addresses “Distinction” in Criticism of Bill Maher Resuming Production During Strike: “There’s Definitely Some Anger”
–– Pick your scab.
Howard Stern Says Bill Maher Should 'Shut His Mouth' After 'Sexist' and 'Nutty' Dig on His Marriage
–– Did it Maher friendship?
Following Bruce Willis Rumors, Apparently Quentin Tarantino Wants Another Pulp Fiction Alum For His Next Movie
–– Chris Penn?
Russell Brand accused of rape, sexual assault and abuse by four women
–– Sounds on Brand.
Russell Brand Content Removed From BBC Because ‘It Now Falls Below Public Expectations’
–– Exactly what this sector of public expected from him.
There are dozens of Russell Brands’: female comedians say abuse is rife
–– Send in the clones.
‘The Continental: From the World of John Wick’ Review: Mel Gibson Sours an Otherwise Serviceable Spinoff
–– Real-life bigot spoils make-believe terminating with extreme prejudice?
Female rock legends not ‘articulate’ enough for Rolling Stone co-founder
–– Wenner ya gonna learn?
Rolling Stone Throws Its Founder Jann Wenner Under the Bus
–– On Magical Misery Tour.
A once-in-a-lifetime reunion: Talking Heads on 'Stop Making Sense,' the Big Suit and their future
–– Sane as it ever was.
Jason Bateman had a 'meltdown' when his computer wouldn't work during a 'SmartLess' podcast recording with Matthew McConaughey: 'Not one of my prouder moments'
–– Tax a Bateman.
Is The Bear’s Jeremy Allen White Related to Gene Wilder?
–– Sure, assume anyone who looks a bit like someone’s related.
Elon Musk worried his father was 'uncomfortably attentive' to his stepdaughter when she was 15, biographer says. His father later had 2 kids with her.
–– Watched his step and didn't.
Comedian Larry David confronted Elon Musk at a wedding about voting Republican: 'Do you just want to murder kids in schools?'
–– Musk, ‘’I’m not picky.’
The Gruesome Story of How Neuralink’s Monkeys Actually Dies
–– Watching Musk’s SNL hosting gig.
Tom Holland’s Spider-Man Trilogy Has Been Given An Official Name, And It Makes Sense
–– Not Good, Bad and Ugly?
Even 'The Marvels' director Nia DaCosta is confused by the MCU: 'What the hell does any of this s--- mean?'
–– About same as what Candyman s--- meant.
Original ‘Daredevil’ Showrunner Calls Out ‘Disney Scam’ of Naming New Series ‘Daredevil: Born Again’: It ‘Resets Contract Terms Back to First Season
–– In blind trust?
Ahsoka might have just explained why there are so few of Yoda's species
–– Ah so, cur.
Is There an Ahsoka Episode 6 End Credits Scene or Post-Credit Sequence?
–– File under ‘three-word articles.’
Naga Munchetty Losing It Over Pigeon Flying Into Man's Head Is The Laugh We Could All Use Right Now
–– Reminded her of bird flitting inside hers.
Ashley Graham Got Completely Naked On Insta With Just A Tiny Purse Covering Her
–– What?
King and Queen welcomed by cheering crowds on arrival to Bordeaux
–– Where locals are smashed on red wine.
Prince William has royal fans saying the same thing following solo trip to New York
–– ‘Go home!’
NFL fans can’t stop brawling, and we can’t stop gawking
–– Then you’re sad as they are.
The wife of a man who died after starting fight at a Patriots game says her husband was verbally taunted by other fans. Authorities say they're trying to figure out what happened.
–– And why refs didn’t penalize fans.
Giants’ Brian Daboll Exploded at Ref After Costly Penalty
–– Grounds crew still trying to clean up sideline.
Tommy Pham called out Mets teammates for being 'least-hardest working group of position players I've ever played with'
–– Not Pham favorite.
The Mona Lisa of modern art arrives in America for the first time
–– If Mona was naked whore.
Book bans continue to rise in US public schools, libraries: 'Attacks on our freedom'
–– Would be greater threat if students could read.
In a Battle Between Harassment and Censorship, the Choice Is Clear
–– Thanks, Wired, now we can rest easy.
Shrek Crocs are no longer a dream
–– Now a nightmare.
Monday is National Cheeseburger Day: Here are the deals to relish
–– Will make you want to spill your Special Sauce.
Crabby tourist calls police after being charged $700 for seafood dish
–– There oughta' be a claw!
’Mussel’ up to a bowl of bivalves this fall
–– Shell out clams.
Covid spooked older customers away from Cracker Barrel and Olive Garden. Some aren’t coming back
–– Never write ‘spook’, ‘Cracker Barrel’ in same headline.
The food industry pays ‘influencer’ dietitians to shape your eating habits
–– You, the idiot who follows ‘influencer’ dietitians.
How to make puffy tacos, an ethereally crispy Tex-Mex delight
–– And puffy cheeks.
Plane takes off with passengers but not a single checked bag on board
–– Luggage wanted another night of hot Zurich night life.
Paper checks are dead. Cash is dying. Who still uses them?
–– Screw you, sonny!
Her students reported her for a lesson on race. Can she trust them again?
–– Looks like she’s ready to whip ‘em into shape.
Children’s book author who is charged with killing her husband now accused of witness tampering
–– And poor plotting.
Colorado officer who placed handcuffed suspect into police vehicle that was hit by a train sentenced to 30 months probation, 100 hours community service
–– Is he keeping track?
Jury fails to reach verdict after brutal attack on 68-year-old Asian jewelry store owner
–– We hope all twelve of ‘em are charged with assault.
Are you drinking water all wrong? Plus, hydrating benefits of milk.
–– Your mouth is up here, dummy.
How to Figure Out If Moderate Alcohol Drinking Is Too risky for You
–– Are you reading this in driver’s seat in ditch?
Bear spotted at Disney World prompts closure of parts of Magic Kingdom
–– Disgruntled after failed audition.
More than half of U.S. dog owners are skeptical of canine vaccinations
–– Paw, growl, spoot when asked.
Indian crocodiles seen saving dog from feral pack attack, but scientists divided over what it means
–– We say they’re saving him for Thanksgiving feast.
'True rarity': Gigantic alligator gar caught and released in Texas reservoir could break 2 world records
–– If they can get Guiness people to weigh left, right fish balls.
Celebrate World Gorilla Day With 15 Primate Pictures
–– From Miss Jane Goodall’s most intimate collection.
Colorful primates, oddly enough, don't have great color vision
–– Why adult male mandrills tend to dress too matchy-matchy.
Watch Missouri police officers chase a lemur on the loose
–– In slow MO.
Yellowstone tourist suffers consequences after getting too close to bison: ‘Got what he was asking for’
–– Hadn’t herd warnings?
‘He swam, hooking my arm with his penis’: inside the dolphin sex scandal that outraged a nation
–– Flipper gets kinky.
Vanishing Nomadic Clan, With a Songlike Language All Their Own
–– Swan songlike.
A Medieval French Skeleton Is Rewriting the History of Syphilis
–– In invisible ink!
Piece of wood found at garage sale was part of the sunken USS Maine
–– Remember the Maine?
Oops! US Space Force may have accidentally punched a hole in the upper atmosphere
–– Was actually with cool karate kick.
Nasa’s Osiris-Rex mission: asteroid sample plummets towards Earth
–– Team intern with mitt: ‘I got it, I got it!’
22 True Facts About The Roman Empire That Will Send You Down A Rabbit Hole
–– 17. Lepus foramen.
Turkish Archaeologists Have Uncovered a Long-Rumored Subterranean City Used As a Sanctuary During the Roman Empire
–– For citizens with very fair skin.
When the dead don't stay buried
–– We saw that movie.
A saltwater wedge climbing the Mississippi River threatens drinking water
–– Gives waterway wedgie.
China fuels global surge in mpox cases as LGBTQ+ stigma hampers response
–– Reinforcing number 1 status of spreading death.
Neanderthal Genes Are Linked to Severe Covid Risk
–– So just reengineer your genome.
–– Rounded off.
