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Mug Synthezizer
Week of 08/25/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof advertisement for Mug Shot Root Beer with Donald Trump's Fulton County Prison mug shot on a can under the heading NEVER SURRENDER! EXCEPT to the SWEET TASTE of SHAME. Ad copy reads 'Root Root Root for Joe Bidens Enemy No. 1.' 'The Perfect Chaser After You Drink the Kool-Aid.' 'Buy a commemorative 19-pack and celebrate Donald J. trump's frostiest triumph!'Where did the height and weight on Trump’s booking record come from?
–– Provided by John Barron.

Nikki Haley Is the Best Trump Alternative
–– Noses out beating self with rubber hose.

Maggie Haberman Reveals Why Trump Pulled That Face During His Mug Shot
–– They wouldn’t let him flash reddened rump on camera.

Donald Trump Returns to Twitter After Georgia Arrest
–– Last refuge of scoundrel.

Justice Department launches civil rights investigation into dilapidated and unsanitary conditions at Georgia’s Fulton County Jail
–– Took just one visit from Trump to foul.

Trump Co-Defendants Endure Humiliating Mugshots as They Report to Jail
–– We were hoping for body cavity searches.

Why Are Trump’s Accused Co-Conspirators Smiling for Their Mug Shots?
–– Bone stupidity.

Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp called to publicly oppose sanctions against DA in Trump case
–– Meant to bruise Willis.

‘Biased.’ ‘Corrupt.’ ‘Deranged.’ Trump’s Taunts Test Limits of Release.
–– Even as he struggles to define self.

Our Republican debate poll finds Ron DeSantis and Vivek Ramaswamy won
–– Vies guys.

DeSantis allies scramble to clarify after he criticizes ‘listless vessels’ for Trump
–– And promise no more ‘Shakespearean invective.’

Vivek Ramaswamy wants to know how many 'federal agents' were on the planes that hit the Twin Towers: 'I want the truth about 9/11'
–– We want to know how many mental health professionals are on his staff.

First on CNN: Burgum injured playing basketball, throwing debate attendance into question
–– Would miss court jester.

Who takes advantage of Donald Trump's absence and other things to watch in the Republican debate
–– Viewer, obviously.

GOP talk of military action in Mexico sparks dire warnings
–– 'Don't narc until you've tried it.'

The US mall is not dying
–– It just looks like patient on life support.

Giuliani Repeatedly Sought Financial Lifeline From Trump
–– Trump tossed him Lifesaver candies, paper towels.

Rudy Giuliani Says He Has 'Scientific' Proof Of Election Fraud To Exonerate Him
–– Provided by Herbert West.

Trump Is Hosting $100,000-Per-Plate Dinner For Cash-Strapped Rudy Giuliani. Snark Is Served.
–– $99,980 covers dinner at Trump’s Bedminster Club.

"Truly shameful": Critics blast NY Times for featuring "openly racist and bigoted" Ann Coulter
–– Resist Coulter personality.

Wagner group leader Yevgeny Prigozhin is killed in plane crash: Jet carrying warlord 'falls from the sky' north of Moscow two months after failed coup
–– Only sweeter if it had been on Putin's head.

Russia Denies Killing Prigozhin, Calling the Idea Anti-Putin Propaganda
–– 'Coming on now, our President was so clearly trying to poison him.'

Putin makes first remarks on Prigozhin since plane crash, calling Wagner boss "a man of difficult fate"
–– “And constant sorrow.”

Analysis: A BRICS no-show speaks volumes about Putin’s shrinking horizons
–– BRICSbats.

Heineken sells Russian business for $1 as it completes exit
–– Citizens have to kick Heines.

Domino’s Pizza will close all 142 stores in Russia
–– Providing aggressors humanitarian relief.

At Risk of Invasion or Lovely to Visit: Two Views of a Polish Border Area
–– Russian troops packing picnic baskets.

Woman in a white dress smiles for camera as missile hits Chernihiv
–– Beats hell out of ‘Cheese!’

China’s 40-Year Boom Is Over. What Comes Next?
–– Ride on Megabust?

Japanese family says young doctor took his life after working 200 hours overtime in a single month
–– Now on permanent break.

Israel far-right minister spars with supermodel Bella Hadid over Palestinian rights
–– Lands far-right hook.

Opinion | U.S. should call Niger’s coup for what it is: A coup
–– We’re coup with that.

For Stunt Workers, the SAG-AFTRA Strike Is About Equal Pay: “The Residual Model Is Outdated”
–– Not equal to what they previously earned.

’Blue Beetle' Flies to the Top of Domestic Box Office for Opening Weekend
–– Which resembles dung heap.

Spoilers! 'Blue Beetle' post-credit scene makes a big reveal about future of DC universe
–– According to 4 people who saw it opening weekend.

Why ‘Blue Beetle’ is the best modern DC movie
–– Talk about damning with faint praise.

Dave Bautista, Jason Momoa to Team for ‘Wrecking Crew’ from ‘Blue Beetle’ Director Ángel Manuel Soto
–– Failing arriba.

Forget Chris Pine And Chris Evans, One Fan Thinks A Hollywood ‘Zaddy’ Got The Shaft On The ‘Top’ Chris’ List
–– And gave it.

Reality TV Stars and Crew Want Out of “Draconian” NBCUniversal NDAs
–– And explanation of what ‘draconian’ means.

Jane Curtin Thinks Her Early ‘SNL’ Seasons Don’t Hold Up: ‘Not One Thing Was Funny’
–– Curtin pulled back.

Rumer Willis shares her baby’s name was inspired by a typo
–– Rumer has it.

Charlize Theron on Why She’ll “Never” Gain 40 Pounds for a Movie Again and Those Facelift Rumors: “Bitch, I’m Just Aging!” 
–– Is ‘bitch’ Father Time?

Britney Spears says she ‘couldn’t take the pain anymore’ as she addresses divorce from Sam Asghari
–– 'Ouch, I did it again.'

Britney Spears Musical ‘Once Upon a One More Time’ to Close on Broadway
–– Audiences ‘couldn’t take the pain anymore.’

Adam Sandler’s New Movie Earns a Perfect Rotten Tomatoes Score
–– Which says more about joke critics have become.

Los Angeles Sees Movie Theater Resurgence With Wave of New Openings, Renovations: “It's Shockingly Optimistic”
–– Especially if they’re not showing anything made after 2000.

Sylvester Stallone to Keynote Toronto Film Festival
–– With English subtitles.

Edinburgh Fringe funniest joke: Lorna Rose Treen's zookeeper pun
–– Shoulda been scotched.

Pink, 43, Wore A See-Through Banana-Print swimsuit On IG And Fans Are Losing It
–– Lunch?

Elizabeth Hurley, 58, Floats in a Pool in Nothing But Her Birthday Suit
–– Has own flotation devices.

Miley Cyrus tearfully reflects on Disney days past with new video, song 'Used to Be Young’
–– Side B: ‘Still Annoying.’

Lana Del Rey Reveals 10-Date Fall Tour
–– Fears it might exhaust talent.

Viral Hit ‘Rich Men North of Richmond’ Debuts at No. 1
–– Target audience shitkickers into homonyms.

Oliver Anthony Clarifies “Rich Men North of Richmond” Message After Song Used in GOP Debate: “Nothing to Do With Joe Biden”
–– That's rich, man.

Spain’s head coach Jorge Vilda appears to touch female staffer inappropriately during game celebration
–– Caught offside.

Spanish chief apologizes for giving Women’s World Cup winner an unwanted kiss on the lips
–– While others cheered him.

World Cup players covered 8,753 miles Down Under. Here’s who ran the most.
–– How empty do you think our lives are? Wait, player from Spanish team that played most games? Wow!

New York Red Bull tickets usually cost $46. Here’s what they cost now that Messi is playing
–– $46 plus $437 idiot fee.

The $560M Challenge of Turning the Las Vegas Strip Into an F1 Race Track
–– And anchoring high-rollers to track.

Elon Musk admitted X ‘might fail’—then the social network accidentally removed swaths of historic content, including Ellen’s Oscars selfie that broke Twitter
–– Increasingly, history is written by losers.

Elon Musk Thinks Chess Is 'Too Simple' — 'Understandable When All We Had To Play With Were Squirrels And Rocks, But Now We Have Computers
–– As a child he dropped rocks on squirrels’ heads.

A sex educator in Michigan refused to be shamed. Then came the backlash.
–– In section on S&M.

Is Having Too Many Followers a Turnoff?
–– Like that swarm of fleas?

5 ways to spot a narcissist
–– 2. They’re looking for own name in list.

Young professionals are turning to AI to create headshots. But there are catches
–– It can’t fully capture deadness in eyes.

More Screen Time Linked to Delayed Development in Babies, Study Finds
–– Until at least age 40.

Doctors to parents: Stop smashing eggs on your kids’ heads on TikTok
–– Smash your eggs before you conceive monsters.

Boy, 5, Rings Doorbell Asking for Help Finding Mom After Being Dropped Off at Wrong Spot
–– Redefining slow news day.

I Had a Great Date. We Slept together. Then He Dropped a Bomb.
–– And didn’t flush?

A group of rebellious nuns took their monastery back, banning a bishop, until he 'repents' for his abuse
–– Of his bishopric.

United Airlines pilot accused of destroying parking lot barrier with ax
–– Let fly?

Vegan Sam Bankman-Fried is subsisting only on bread and water in jail, his attorneys say
–– And lies.

Teen leaves Virginia high school after official told him to remove American flags from his pickup truck
–– School officials had to draw him map to find exit.

Woman who fatally shoved 87-year-old vocal coach to the ground in New York pleads guilty
–– Hit low note.

Dollar Tree said theft is such a problem it will start locking up items or stop selling them altogether
–– Lock worth more than crap they’re selling.

At a Jersey Shore bar, Taco Tuesday’s soul lives on in a trademark
–– And inflamed esophagi.

TV chef says he’s closing his Michelin-starred restaurant for ‘better work/life balance’
–– Family he wants to spend more time with: ‘Please reconsider.’

Eating this food may be a reason why some people live to 100
–– This week in bean flacking.

Subway has sold itself to a private equity firm
–– Maybe they can make sandwich with identifiable flavor.

Listeria warning issued after three deaths linked to contaminated ice cream machines
–– Surprised Frugals too cheap to clean properly?

A french-fry boomtown emerges as a climate winner — as long as it has water
–– They’re growing fries?

These Dog Harnesses Truly Deserve a Round of A-Paws
–– Editor barfing up wrong tree.

What Is the Secret Starbucks Puppuccino—and Is It Safe for Your Dog?
–– Or your self-respect?

Krispy Kreme Just Introduced Another Line of Doughnuts, but Not for You
–– Yeah, right, we know: dognuts.

Orcas accused of attacking boats may be ‘following fad’, scientists say
–– They are such wannabes.

Baby gorilla almost died before a zookeeper held him close
–– But less close then when he was smothering ape.

The National Zoo in Washington, D.C. to return giant pandas to China. What you need to know.
–– We just told you.

So You've Discovered A New Species, Can You Name It Anything You Want?
–– Or at least nickname after childhood pet?

Ötzi the Iceman Gets a New Look from Genetic Analysis
–– Couldn’t it do something with that hair?

These Bees Have Been Mummified in Their Cocoons for 3,000 Years
–– Wrapped in tiny, tiny bandages.

How Sauropod Dinosaurs Became the Biggest Land Animals Again and Again
–– Social media.

As Russian and Indian lunar landings near, the moon rush gets crowded
–– With space trash: see below.

Russia’s first moon mission in decades fails after spacecraft collides with surface
–– And scientists discover surface not made of bouncy cheese.

In Latest Moon Race, India Lands First in Southern Polar Region
–– Fueled by spicy Mulligatawny stew.

Tropical Storm Hilary moves into California amid earthquake, flooding and mudslides
–– Lock her up!

California officials warn 'worst of the storm has yet to come' as Hilary makes landfall
–– News media hoping after committing beaucoup bucks to coverage.

Los Angeles Survives Tropical Storm With ‘Minimal Impacts,’ Officials Say
–– Weather Channel: ‘Aw, shit!’

California Is Free of Extreme Drought Conditions for the First Time in 3 Years
–– This week in ‘silver linings.’

Moscow sewer: All eight members of tour party confirmed dead in floods
–– Flushed with pride.

Biden’s new agriculture plan is great for farmers—but terrible for the planet
–– Plant it earth?

How I planned my own green funeral
–– Mulch ado about nothing.

This latest covid variant could be the best yet at evading immunity
–– So-called John Barron strain.

Will the New COVID-19 Vaccine Work Against the BA.2.86 Variant?
–– Or will it implant AI nanobots in your brain!?

Opinion | In Wuhan, doctors knew the truth. They were told to keep quiet.
–– And whole world did same.

Cheems Balltze, the internet’s cheeseburger-loving dog, has died
–– This obit takes mainstream journalism with it.

Adobe co-founder John Warnock, who helped invent the PDF, is dead at 82
–– To be interred in portable dead format.