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Repeat Offender
Week of 08/18/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Photo-illustration spoof of the poster for the film Rain Man retitled Arraign Man with Donald Trump in the role of the autistic Raymond walking next to Rudy Giuliani as his brother Charlie. Trump is saying "I am an excellent candidate. I won in Gerorgia by 11,780 votes. Won by 11,780 votes."Trump faces 13 counts in Georgia indictment; 18 others charged
–– Bringing his score to 91, solid A-.

‘Suits’ Continues Record Run in Streaming Ratings
–– Mostly because it's too early for Yule Log.

Trump follows tested ‘counterpuncher’ playbook in face of indictments
–– Using own face.

Officials Investigate Threats Against Trump Grand Jurors in Georgia
–– How dare they expose how stupid supporters are!

‘Going to beat these fascists to the ground': Giuliani reacts to indictment
–– Why would he do that to co-defendants?

Broke Lawyers Rudy Giuliani and Jenna Ellis Prove Trump Will Never Run Out of Marks to Con
–– Patsy client.

How Donald Trump tried to undo his loss in Georgia in 2020
–– The devil went down in Georgia.

Trump Plans to Skip G.O.P. Debate for Interview With Tucker Carlson
–– Dumb bait.

Christie on report of Trump skipping debate: ‘Certified loser, verified coward’
–– Damn, are we warming to CC?

Trump Erupts At Jack Smith Over Search Warrant For His Twitter Account
–– Mount Hestupidest.

Donald Trump hasn't landscaped his ex Ivana Trump's grave at his Bedminster golf course, and it's now overrun by an untidy mess of weeds: report
–– Thought pissing on them would kill.

Biden shouts during speech, challenges anyone to name 'one thing' the US set out to accomplish and failed
–– C’mon, Joe, how about impeaching Trump?

How a fight over immunity unraveled Hunter Biden’s plea deal
–– No shot for freebase flu.

RFK Jr. says he’d sign a federal ban on abortions after three months of pregnancy
–– Two if mother’s been vaccinated.

Awkward Americans see themselves in Ron DeSantis
–– Fantasize f**king him?

Elon Musk says users on X, formerly Twitter, will lose ability to block unwanted followers, eliminating key safety feature
–– X-crement.

Zuckerberg Says It’s ‘Time to Move On’ From ‘Cage Fight’ With Musk
–– Did it already happen in metaverse?

Elon Musk goads Mark Zuckerberg over their cage fight, saying Zuck's such a chicken he can't eat at Chick-fil-A because that would be 'cannibalism'
–– Same reason he can’t eat horse’s ass.

Troop Deaths and Injuries in Ukraine War Near 500,000, U.S. Officials Say
–– Putin's gone through 10,000 belts cutting notches.

‘We Are Not Human to Them’: Life for Convicts in Russia’s Army
–– Sure you are –– ghouls need human flesh.

Russia’s ruble hits a 17-month low to the dollar as the Ukraine war bites
–– Y’know, war really bites.

Italy’s PM takes 'full responsibility' for bank tax
— Expresses Melonicholia.

Niger’s Junta Vows to Prosecute Deposed President for Treason
–– Big Bazoum’s.

China Is Desperate to Boost Its Low Birth Rates. It May Have to Accept the New Normal
–– Limp ho fun noodles.

US urged to tackle lawless ‘Golden Triangle’ home to tiger breeding, crypto scams Uand prostitution
–– Solid gold.

Netflix Will Mark End of DVD Biz by Sending Up to 10 Randomly Selected Discs to Customers
–– Of Daniel Baldwin films.

Linear TV Viewing Drops Below 50% of U.S. Television Usage for First Time, Streaming Hits Record High: Nielsen
–– Cable aced.

'Cancel Disney Plus’ Is Trending After The Streamer Announced Big Changes To Its Cost And Sharing Policy
–– Disney pus.

Poll Shows 67% of Americans Surveyed Support the WGA and SAG-AFTRA Strikes
–– Grateful to be spared more bad film, TV.

Animal actors are on strike, too. These are their stories.
–– Great interviews.

‘The Blind Side’ Bombshell: Michael Oher Alleges Tuohy Family Tricked Him Into Conservatorship, Denied Him Film Payments
–– Feint dead away.

‘The Blind Side’ Author Says Michael Oher Declined Royalty Checks, Defends Tuohy Family: ‘They Showered Him With Resources and Love’
–– Oher an apology?

Sandra Bullock shouldn’t be the first person to return an Oscar
–– But she should return it.

Drake tells fans at Inglewood concert to 'keep your bras on': 'My son is at the show'
–– ‘And he’s already suckled.’

Charlize Theron And Seth MacFarlane Posed For A Pic On The Picket Line, And I’d Totally Forgotten They Worked Together Before
–– Any other screen pairings you forgot? We have time.

Burbank Declares ‘Tim Burton Day’ With the Hometown Filmmaker Set to Return for Local Film Fest (Exclusive)
–– Offending members of Schwenkfelder churches.

Newly discovered snake species found in remote Peruvian land is named for Harrison Ford
–– Been Jonesing for one.

Zachary Levi, star of Shazam 2, slams the 'garbage' coming out of Hollywood
–– Karl Marx would be proud.

Charlie Kaufman: If Hollywood Wants ‘Garbage,’ They ‘Might as Well Have A.I.’ Write Scripts
–– Makes trash judgment.

Video game voice actors say 'soul of the industry is on trial' with unregulated AI
–– Virtual soul.

If The Last Voyage Of The Demeter Started The Dark Universe, The Universal Monsters Franchise Might Have Survived
–– This ‘entertainment journalist’ did see BO, right?

The Meg Author Steve Alten Chooses Which Movie Is More Faithful To His Books
–– Like asking Dickens about versions of Great Expectations.

‘Sound of Freedom’ Director Calls QAnon Labels ‘Heartbreaking,’ ‘Not True,’ Debunks With Details of Film’s Origins
–– In QAnon&A.

'The Little Mermaid' Producers Sued Over Special Effects Artist's On-Set Injury
–– Slipped in virtual puddle.

Madonna tour dates rescheduled following her health scare
–– Go watch her to get yours.

Composer Bernstein’s children defend Bradley Cooper’s prosthetic nose after ‘Maestro’ is criticized
–– Think rest of trailer ‘blows.'

The Young And The Restless star Eric Braeden, 82, declares he is cancer-free: 'They couldn't find a damn thing'
–– The old and the cystless.

Lisa Edelstein Reveals She Received 97 Cent Residuals Check for ‘Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce’: ‘That’s Not a Livable Wage’
–– But fair assessment of worth.

‘Snow White’ Star Rachel Zegler Angers Conservatives and Disney Fans, Insists the Movie’s Prince ‘Stalks’ Her Character
–– And don’t get her started on 7 ‘little fantasy figures.’

Say What You Want, But Emily Ratajkowski’s Worn Out Loafers Are the Ultimate Fashion Flex
–– We say you should get a life.

Open Channel: Tell Us Your Favorite Keith David Role
–– No, not this guy.

Hallmark Expands Into Scripted Podcasting With ‘Crimson Hearts Collide’
–– Which sounds extraordinarily messy.

Sam Asghari splits with Britney Spears a year after storybook wedding
–– DisSpears.

Lizzo Reportedly Dropped From Super Bowl LVII Consideration Amid Lawsuit From Ex-Employees
–– Like Hail Mary pass.

Women’s soccer teams ditched white shorts at the World Cup. Here’s why that matters
–– In case of overtime period.

Sage Steele Leaving ESPN After Settling Lawsuit
–– Takes Steele trap elsewhere.

Opinion | Shoei Ohtani is doing things on a baseball diamond that scramble the mind
–– Andd shirr the senses.

Peyton Manning returns to the University of Tennessee as a professor
–– Actually boosting school's academic credentials.

K2 Climbers Criticized Over Continuing Ascent After Finding Dying Porter
–– Figured he would keep in freezing temps.

This 84-Year-Old Has Ridden Every Mile of the Amtrak Map
–– In search of single on-time train.

Revealing the Smithsonian’s ‘Racial Brain Collection’
–– Which colored opinions?

Artist paints Asian Americans on cookies to teach history
–– Not fortune cookies?

Here’s what Bobby Flay could cook for you
–– If he even gave shit.

Gordon Ramsay's Tip For Checking A Steak's Doneness Involves Your Face
–– As he slaps it with porterhouse while cursing your very existence.

Couple suing Eataly Boston after woman slipped on piece of prosciutto and broke ankle, lawsuit states
–– Banana peel for foodies.

'Tip fatigue' is real. Here's when to leave 20%, and when it's OK to leave less
–– Our finger’s exhausted from hitting ‘No tip.’

Men’s groups are embracing an alternative conception of American masculinity
–– Really, WaPo? Do tell.

In Retail’s Top Echelons, Female C.E.O.s Lose a Bit of Ground
–– Executive sweet?

166-year-old luxury retailer in San Francisco warns: This could be our last year
–– Now where are we going to get our faux florals?

‘Who can blame them?’: 61% of Americans say they're more scared of running out of money than of dying — 3 ways to kick your retirement anxiety to the curb
–– 1. Die.

Blue-Light Glasses Are Unlikely to Help Eye Strain. Here’s What Does.
–– Turn off damn device.

Forget Big Dick Energy. We're in the Era of Big Dick Injury
–– It's a schlong story.

Police stage ‘chilling’ raid on Marion County newspaper, seizing computers, records and cellphones
–– Read small print.

6 ex-officers, some of whom called themselves ‘The Goon Squad,’ plead guilty to state charges in torture of 2 Black men
–– Goon down.

Drunken Calif. judge gunned down wife in front of son, asked cops to shoot him, court docs say: 'I f---ed up'
–– Special Oops!

‘Hell on Wheels’: Ohio Teen Guilty of Intentionally Killing Boyfriend in Car Crash
–– Driven insane.

After a string of shark attacks, here’s how officers at one New York beach use drones to keep swimmers safe
–– Let’s guess.

Experts Scrutinize Hawaiian Electric as They Search for the Maui Wildfire Cause
–– Spark notes.

Hawaii woman shocked as tourists are back to swimming at Maui's beaches just days after wildfire victims' bodies were pulled from the water
–– C’mon, if you can avoid live tuna you can avoid dead kahuna.

Maui Sued Big Oil in 2020, Citing Fire Risks and More
–– Fuel to flames.

Spam donates 5 truckloads of beloved canned meat in response to Maui fire
–– Is inflammable.

Hawaii senator: "I am not going to make any excuses for this tragedy."
-– Big of her.

A Museum of ‘Electrifying Frankness’ Weighs Dialing It Down
–– Mütter courage?

‘Unluckiest generation’ falters in boomer-dominated market for homes
–– Not just ‘whiniest generation?’

Whether You Call It ‘Skiplagging’ or ‘Hidden-City Travel,’ It’s Contentious
–– We call it ‘who-gives-a-f**k.’

This hero plumber made a boy's dream come true by buying him a bionic arm
–– Fashioned from manual water pump.

It’s Illegal to Sell or Possess Cannabis in Japan—But It’s Legal to Get High On It. Here’s Why
–– Culture's heightened sense of irony.

Japanese man who spent $16K to become a ‘dog’ shares how his family reacted to transformation
–– Wouldn't lift leg to help him.

Why Do Dogs Sniff Your Crotch? Experts Explain This Awkward Canine Behavior
–– Well, ours smells delicious.

These Are the Most Common Dangerous Items Dogs Get Into
–– 1. Our crotch, baby.

Is there an outbreak of pneumonia in dogs? Here's what you and your pup should know.
–– We’ll have him read it.

Too Many Cats, Too Few Vets: New York City Animal Shelters Are Bursting
–– Too many cats. Period.

Crocodiles were played the sound of human babies crying. The higher the infant's distress level, the more the carnivores would respond.
–– Tickled their croc rocs.

Mars is Accelerating Its Spin, According to Data from a Defunct NASA Mission
–– What’s Mariner 4’s spin?

Death masks help recreate face of Bonnie Prince Charlie
–– More like Prince Gnarly.

Medieval teen girl found buried face down with ankles tied. Experts have a theory why
–– Um, uh, pass.

Mesopotamia’s Ur, A City Of Ziggurat Temples, Royal Tombs And Death Pits
–– Ancient world’s Detroit.

For over 20 years, archaeologists in Germany thought a 35,000-year-old figurine they found was a horse. Now, they aren't sure whether or not it's a cave lion or cave bear.
–– Or heffalump.

Britain's elite fossil hunters on their finds of a lifetime
–– No simply smashing birds.

Microraptor Was A Four-Winged Dinosaur That Probably Should've Stopped At Two
–– Given choice?

Why this assassination site has become a tourism hotspot in Rome
–– Visitors need to kill time.

The richest Americans account for 40 percent of U.S. climate emissions
–– Why make big stink?

The Clean Energy Future Is Arriving Faster Than You Think
–– Still too late.

Wealthy oil nation lays groundwork for ‘eye-popping’ climate fund
–– Because 'throat-strangling.'

New Covid variant causing concern among scientists detected in London
–– How’d they find scientists?

’Exorcist’ Director William Friedkin to Receive Turner Classic Movies Tribute
–– Get out pea soup.

Bob Dylan Speaks On Death Of Robbie Robertson, His “Lifelong Friend”
–– Who rates three sentences.

Robbie Robertson said the Band 'was so beautiful, it went up in flames'
–– What were they smoking?

Clarence Avant, “Godfather of Black Music,” Dies at 92
–– Avant gawd!

Tom Jones, Half of Record-Setting ‘Fantasticks’ Team, Dies at 95
–– Try to remember.

Michael Parkinson, Legendary U.K. Talk Show Host, Dies at 88
–– Parky carcass.

James L. Buckley, Conservative Senator in Liberal New York, Dies at 100
–– Legs got buckley.