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Threads Bare
Week of 07/07/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Photo-illutration of a smiling Mark Zuckerberg with his hands outstretched creating a cat's cradle from green string that represents his Threads social media platform which incorporates the Meta logo while ensnaring the Twitter logo under the title Zuck's CradleMeta’s Threads upends social media in less than 48 hours
–– And it seemed so grounded.

About Those July 4 Fireworks and Air Pollution
–– Girlz of NY Times are totes fun!

Stephen Miller Threatens Suit Against Schools Who Ignore SCOTUS Affirmative Action Decision
–– Is asked what he’s been doing all this time in woodwork.

'Sham' website customer likely didn't affect Supreme Court ruling on same-sex weddings, experts say
–– Suit was genuine bullshit.

Tell Me There Isn’t a Witch Hunt in Tennessee
–– You got it.

Judge blocks U.S. officials from tech contacts in First Amendment case
–– Mandates parental controls on AOL accounts.

Oath Keepers leader warns Trump against trial: ‘You’re going to be found guilty’
–– Even this pinhead better qualified than anyone on his legal team.

Trump aide Walt Nauta pleads not guilty in classified documents case
–– Pronounced ‘nutter.’

’Key figure in indictment revealed': Susie Wiles identified in Trump's classified docs case
–– Quite a Wiles.

‘A Moron': Michael Cohen Doesn't Mince Words In Assessment Of Top Trump Attorney
–– Judgment's really improved since day's as bag man.

Trump once said a president under felony indictment would grind the government to a halt and create a constitutional crisis
–– He’s just candidate, CNN, though you’d love to have him back for ratings.

Trump pressured Arizona governor after 2020 election to help overturn his defeat
–– Is that how head got misshapen?

Trump Threatens to Appoint ‘Maybe Even Nine’ Supreme Court Justices if Elected
–– ‘That’s like half of them, right?’

Lindsey Graham Booed Off Stage by Trump Supporters at Hometown Rally: ‘You Want to Find Something in Common?’ (Video)
–– Throw damp lace hankies.

Donald Trump Jr. Had Sex With Her in Gay Club, Claims Pop Star Aubrey O'Day
–– Drag down.

Former Trump supporter says she was 'brainwashed'
–– Didn’t take much Clorox.

DeSantis Campaign Continues to Struggle to Find Its Footing
–– Can’t extract from mouth.

AOC Says Impeachment Must Be on the Table for Supreme Court Justices: Court ‘Has Not Been Receiving Adequate Oversight’ (Video)
–– Bangs the cavil.

Prosecutors In Rep. George Santos’ Case Turn In Over 80,000 Pages Of Evidence Against Him
–– Santos claims it’s 1 mil.

Mayor Eric Adams doubles down on comparing Holocaust survivor to plantation owner
–– Arbeit mock frie.

The Mayor Had a Photo of a Fallen Officer. Was His Story About It True?
–– Or: The Mayor Directed Staff to Create a Phony Weathered Photo He Claimed Had Been in his Wallet for Years to Support His Story of a Shooting of a Fellow Cop. Adams is Full of Shit.

Bill de Blasio and Chirlane McCray Are Separating
–– As simple life forms do.

Biden Sidesteps Any Notion That He’s a ‘Flaming Woke Warrior’
–– Denies he wears Pride boxers.

Poll shows why Biden should be 'a little concerned' about Cornel West
–– More than other wack job running?

DOJ, Hunter Biden team fight back on GOP probes
–– Against Hunter gatherers.

Biden’s estranged daughter to receive paintings in child support settlement
–– Of him nude, high.

Secret Service Investigating Who Brought Cocaine Into the White House
–– Hunter Biden wants name, number.

White House cocaine discovery becomes GOP ‘political fodder’
–– Don Jr., ‘Coke, I am your fodder!’

Tommy Tuberville is no longer just a football coach. Now, he's a danger to the country.
–– Like Jim Jordan in locker room.

Biden approves cluster munition supply to Ukraine
–– Overheard on hot mic, ‘It’s a big f**kin’ cluster.’

Putin, Xi and Modi Meet on Camera, but With No Signs of Greater Unity
–– Xi, with longest arm, holds Iphone for selfie

‘Yevgeny Prigozhin will never be discussed again’: Russian media to erase all traces of mutinous warlord
–– Kreemlin establishes Bureau of Prigozhin Pronouncement Prevention.

Mercenary boss returned to Russia to collect money and guns
–– But because name will never be discussed he had to sign for with X.

Lukashenko Says Prigozhin Is in Russia, Not Belarus
–– Adds air quotes.

Jews should leave Russia 'before it's too late,' says former chief rabbi of Moscow
–– But Putin said Nazis were in Ukraine.

’Hammer’ the Ukrainian soldier back on the front line after leg blown off by mine
–– Hup hup, right, right, right.

Yellen Says US, China Have ‘Ample Room’ for Trade and Investment
–– Yellen to be heard.

Dutch government collapses over immigration policy
–– And too much jenever.

Opinion | Hong Kong’s downfall is a warning to the world
–– Which it would notice if it was challenge on TikTok.

Japan will soon release Fukushima radioactive water into the ocean. How worried should we be?
–– If we don’t depend on uncooked sushi supply?

How the Taliban launched the ‘most successful counter-narcotics effort in human history’
–– Poppycock!

Taliban compounds misery for women in Afghanistan with order to close all beauty salons
–– Harder to notice due to burqas.

Geraldo Rivera Says He Was a ‘Product of Affirmative Action’ During Final Fox News Appearance (Video)
–– Last nasty dig at policy.

Micheal Imperioli Says He Has Decided to “Forbid Bigots and Homophobes” From Watching ‘The White Lotus’ and ‘The Sopranos’
–– After misspelling name in headlines.

The Passion of the Christ 2 Is ‘Like an Acid Trip,’ Says Mel Gibson
–– ‘The Jews sell it to him.’

Russell Crowe says Gladiator 2 should be 'f---ing paying' him for all the questions he gets about it
–– Gloateus Maximus.

Russell Crowe on Comic Book Movie Roles: I’m Fertile Across Space & Time
–– His big bang theory.

James Gunn Reveals More Songs That Won’t Be in Superman: Legacy
–– List now at 53,472.

Britt Ekland: ‘I was the first naked female a lot of young lads ever saw’
–– ‘I volunteered nude at the local day care.’

Stanley Tucci Says It’s ‘Fine’ for Straight Actors to Play Gay Roles: ‘You’re Supposed to Play Different People. That’s the Whole Point of It’
–– Should we be shocked? Please, Variety, tell us.

Jane Adams Slams ‘The Idol’ Nudity Backlash and Toxic Set Allegations: Feminists, ‘Go F*** Yourself’
–– Many would surely prefer to.

A ‘Captain America’ Musical Has Arrived at Disneyland — And Nick Fury Sings!
–– Omigod, he is fierce and, yes, fu-ri-ous!

TCM’s Reinstated Programmer Charles Tabesh Thanks Fans for ‘Wonderful’ Support: ‘I Know How Lucky I’ve Been’
–– ‘It’s a wonderful lifeline.’

Warner Bros. Discovery's stock down 50% since merger — why analysts are still bullish
–– Ecstasy.

'Barbie' banned in Vietnam because it features a map depicting China's claim over the disputed South China Sea
–– Geopolitics in its most delightfully moronic form.

Why Are So Many People Searching for Barbie Fetish Porn?
–– Crave Plastic Fantastic Lover?

Barbenheimer Explained: Yes, People Really Are Making Oppenheimer & Barbie a Double Feature
–– People love bombs.

Cillian Murphy Didn’t Join ‘Oppenheimer’ Cast Dinners Because ‘His Brain Was Just Too Full,’ Says Matt Damon
–– Were they spooning food into ears?

Brian Cox Is ‘Horrified’ by Potential Loss of Turner Classic Movies
–– Tells WBD’s Zaslav to ‘f**k off!’

What’s Lost When Censors Tamper With Classic Films
–– Cut losses.

Anthony Mackie Forgot His ‘Captain America 4’ Lines Because Harrison Ford Was So Intimidating, Then Ford Said: ‘Let’s Shoot This Piece of S—‘
–– So we know he read script.

Box Office: ‘Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny’ Digging Up $60M Opening After $24M Friday
–– No treasure.

Jonathan Majors' old coworkers slammed his 'method acting' on the set of 'Magazine Dreams' and alleged the actor became violent
–– Majors’ pain.

Opinion | A woman to reboot Indiana Jones? Yes, please.
–– How novel.

The 91-year-old male model with the face of a classic cinema star
–– Leatherface.

Guest Column: A Therapist Shares Mental Health Tips for Striking Writers
–– We're already in mindset to strike them.

Why David Bowie Killed Ziggy Stardust, 50 Years Ago Today
–– Couldn’t keep lice out of red mullet.

Ringo Starr Says 'Nothing Makes Me Feel Old' as He Turns 83: 'In My Head, I'm 27' (Exclusive)
–– 'And I can't feel a thing in me face, which is 27 days old.'

The Eagles Announce ‘Final’ Tour Dates: ‘This Is Our Swan Song’
–– ‘So instead of screeches there will be lots of trumpeting.’

Ewan McGregor Admits He Used to Show His Kids the Toilet Scene From ‘Trainspotting’: ‘Just for a Laugh’
–– They took to calling him Poopie.

Kit Harington and Rose Leslie Welcome Baby Girl
–– Not their daughter.

Behind the music: A journey inside the Kennedy Center pipe organ
–– Stops making sense.

UK Newspaper Publishes Front Page Apology After Meghan Article Ruled As Sexist
–– Wasn’t it also narcissistist?

He hasn’t played in MLB for more than two decades. One team is paying him $1.2 million a year until 2035
–– A fine Mets he got himself into.

Verstappen domination continues as Toto Wolff raps Lewis Hamilton for venting frustration
–– Verstappen with Formula One news which reads like pidgin Dothraki.

Legendary competitive eater Joey Chestnut reveals what happened to his body after he ate 76 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes
–– Renamed bathroom “Sausage Factory.’

The great lengths hot dog eating contestants go to compete
–– How long is large intestine?

Fireworks are too loud for many pets. Here’s how to keep them safe
–– Safe? How about quiet?

My white friends trivialise racism by labelling everything racist. How do I tell them to stop?
–– This Week in ‘That’s rich! people’s problems.’

Laziness isn’t why you procrastinate. This is
–– This drivel? Does give us pause.

Nudist explains what you should definitely not do at a nude beach
–– Be ‘peg’ in ring toss.

Why Our Hair Turns Gray––And How Scientists Could Reverse the Process for Good
–– Just takes hair clippers, straight razor.

‘We Thought Within a Year, She Would Be Gone.’ When Mom’s Care Costs Over $1 Million.
–– Thanks, Mom!

My family of 4 went to Ruth's Chris for the first time, and our $500 meal at the upscale steak chain felt like a true value
–– And we were able to feed off leftovers for part of two weeks we couldn’t afford groceries.

FDA gives full approval to first drug to clearly, but modestly, slow Alzheimer’s
–– Keeps pants on.

Fluctuating blood lipid levels linked with higher risk of Alzheimer’s disease, study finds
–– So buy our Lipid Leveler in 5 easy payments!

Tyson will stop using its ‘no antibiotics ever’ label on chicken
–– After failing to get Funk or Wagnalls to redefine ‘ever.’

Baked Zucchini “Fries”
–– Never use recipe with quote marks around dish.

Why Hot Water Is Effective In Opening Stuck Jars
–– This Week in ‘Single scrap of useful information on internet.’

Studying the link between the gut and mental health is personal for this scientist
–– Our gut, ‘Good God, don’t read this!’

’We advertised for a nanny at £12 an hour – and got trolled for being slave drivers’
–– ‘We say let slaves drive themselves, along with the children, to summer clubs.’

Do Yoga Pants Qualify as Real Pants?
–– Does dinner companion count as real friend?

Man in Texas dies after a headfirst 40-foot dive into a shallow area of a lake, authorities say
–– Ironically, was using his head.

OceanGate CEO Stockton Rush told a friend in 2019 that he would 'shut down the company' before he would 'operate an unsafe sub'
–– Turned out to be ‘after.’

‘We were spinning pretty quick’: Ruby Princess cruise ship crashes into San Francisco pier
–– Left Ruby ridge.

Megalodons Were So Fearsome Because They Were Warm-Blooded
–– Were constantly making beast with two dorsal fins.

Ancient shrimplike predator was misunderstood, according to new research
–– Mother kept nagging, ‘Go after bigger prey!’

Can bee pollen make your breasts bigger? Experts weigh in.
–– Can bee stings?

Rare octopus nursery found, teeming with surprises
–– Little Mermaid mobile, sea slug binky, Ringo Starr CD.

A revered and powerful female leader revealed by new method to determine sex of old bones
–– Still involves vigorously stroking them.

Tourist who allegedly carved names into Rome’s Colosseum says he didn’t know the ‘antiquity of the monument’
–– ‘I thought it was from the 1920s like the one in LA.’

How Amazon Taught Alexa to Speak in an Irish Brogue
–– Virtual whiskey.

Uniforms? Check. Motto? Check. Now the Space Force needs an identity
–– And Billy Batson’s taken.

Opinion: The cavalry won’t be coming to rescue you in space
–– How about Mandalorians?

The planet saw its hottest day ever this week. The record will be broken again and again
–– So, like, why tell us, dude?

Climate change could swamp this island. Home sales are surging.
–– Buyers save on built-in pools.

Abigail Breslin remembers Little Miss Sunshine costar Alan Arkin: 'He will always be Grandpa in my heart'
–– Talking smack?

Rapper Big Pokey Laid to Rest at Houston Funeral as Friends, Family Pay Tribute
–– Went to big pokey in sky.

George Tickner, Founding Guitarist of Journey, Dies at 76
–– Journey’s end.

Lawrence Turman, Oscar-Nominated Producer of ‘The Graduate,’ Dies at 96