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J'Accuse Forever
Week of 08/04/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Photo-illustration spoof of a poster for the musical The Music Man retitled The Mar-a-Lago Man with indicted ex-President Trump as the title figure in a band uniform playing a trombone under the headline '19th Smash Month on Beltway!' Below him are the lyrics: Seventy-eight Trump boners led the big charadeWith a hundred and ten court dates since his termThey were followed by rows and rows of the finest avvocatosAnd shysters from ev'ry flimsy firm.Here are the 78 charges Donald Trump faces, and all the prison time
–– When it arraigns, it pours.

How Rudy Giuliani Became Co-Conspirator 1
–– And America’s Mea Culpa.

Trump to appear in D.C. court on 2020 election charges
–– Latest stop on Guilty Pleasures tour.

Trump pleads not guilty to charges in 2020 election probe
–– But eyes are saying 'Yes!'

Oops! Trump lawyer John Lauro makes damaging admission about Jan. 6 case in television interview
–– Sinking of a silly Lauro.

“Sounds like a coup to me": Experts say Trump lawyer's statement is "an admission, not a defense"
–– He believes good offense is best defense.

Trump avoids Jack Smith's eye in Washington courtroom
–– Was sitting on desk in front of him.

Pence Says Trump Pushed Him ‘Essentially to Overturn the Election’
–– Voting wrongs act.

Trump’s ex-press secretary recalls method of lying he taught her
–– ‘Talk.’

Trump PAC has spent more than $40 million on legal costs this year for himself, others
–– Inspiring tale of philanthropy. And graft.

Credit downgrade shocks Biden aides, as more debt fights loom
–– Yellen to Biden: ‘IOU an apology.’

Devon Archer says Joe Biden discussed ‘nothing’ important with Hunter Biden business associates, transcript shows
–– Just kept repeating, 'he only looks high.'

DeSantis vows to ‘start slitting throats on day one’
–– Is currently demonstrating on self.

Gavin Newsom has a message for Ron DeSantis: If he's game for a primetime debate, they have dates in November, so 'put up or shut up'
–– It's actually Bob Newhart catfishing him.

Kremlin critic Alexei Navalny gets 19 more years in Russian prison
–– Putin's sentence in Hell extended 19 centuries.

Ukraine moves Christmas to December 25, distancing itself from Russian tradition
–– Zelensky adds Jolly Old Elf to war cabinet.

Convicted Murderer Freed to Fight in Ukraine Accused of Butchering Six When He Got Back Home
–– Just keeping in practice.

A feared Ukrainian female sniper the Russians call 'Punisher' says women can be especially deadly on the battlefield because a male soldier might hesitate to take a shot, but a woman 'never' does
–– Murder superior?

Pope Francis Embraces ‘Youth Day,’ With an Eye on the Future
–– Embracing youth is how Church got into current fix.

Justin Trudeau Separates From Wife, Sophie Grégoire
–– True dat.

How to Picket Accessibly and Intersectionally: “It’s Only Through Relationships and Connection”
–– From fruit of the union.

His Hollywood star was finally rising. Now he cleans apartments.
–– Did vote to walk out, right?

Justified ‘First Look’: See Winona With Grown-Up Daughter Willa on Picket Line
–– Or how to use strike for free promotion.

Max Is Bleeding Subscribers Following Its Boneheaded Rebrand
–– Meh Max.

John F. Kennedy Allegedly Had an Affair With This Hollywood Legend Within an Hour of Meeting Them
–– In latest slang for bonked.

Remembering the life and career of Marilyn Monroe 61 years after the blonde bombshell’s death
–– Ah yes, the big 6-1.

‘Oppenheimer’ Dialogue Might Be Hard to Hear Because Christopher Nolan Refuses to Re-Record Actors: ‘An Artistic Choice Some Disagree With’
–– Those with ears.

Christopher Nolan explains why you might have trouble hearing the dialogue in 'Oppenheimer'
–– And why you should thank him.

Secret Invasion Director Reveals Timeline for Rhodey’s Skrull Kidnapping
–– Happened May 8, WhoGivesAShit.

Secret Invasion's Director Tells Us The 'Only Requirement' Marvel Gave Him To Maintain MCU Continuity
–– This week in oxymorons: ’MCU Continuity’.

Anthony Mackie Says Marvel Sequel ‘Captain America: Brave New World’ Brings Him ‘Full Circle’
–– Which might explain dizziness.

After Gal Gadot Said She’s Coming Back As Wonder Woman, A Lot Of Fans Are All Saying The Same Thing
–– ‘She’s coming back as Wonder Woman’?

Japan opening of 'Barbie' marred by controversy ahead of nuclear memorials
–– Nagger sucky.

Dua Lipa's Metallic Pink Minidress Takes Barbiecore to the Beach
–– Tell us it drowned.

Will Smith Almost Rejected ‘Men in Black,’ Then Steven Spielberg ‘Sent a Helicopter’ to Bring Him to a Meeting and ‘Said the Coldest S—‘
–– Didja slap him?

Henry Cavill's final The Witcher scene was reportedly supposed to be different, which makes a lot of sense
–– Unlike entire series.

13 Great Hayley Atwell Movies And TV Shows And How To Watch Them
–– 13? Great?!

AMC Networks U.S. Ad Revenue Drops 17 Percent, Streaming Subs Fall
–– Better call stall.

‘The Office’ Actor Is Giving Back $110,000 Worth of Fan Donations for Stalled Stanley Spinoff, Says Funds Were Never Used for Personal Matters
–– Stanley schemer.

Haunted Mansion’ Director Justin Simien on the Original Darker Ending and How Test Screenings Changed the Film
–– It could’ve been scarier bomb?

Jackass Star Wee Man Lays Into Disney Following Backlash Over Snow White’s Seven Dwarfs Casting
–– Short on specifics.

Madonna’ at 40: An oral history of the Queen of Pop’s debut album
–– Waiting for anal history.

A concertgoer threw a drink at Cardi B while she was performing on stage, so she fought back
–– Yay?

This Might Be Why People Are Throwing Things At Performers At Concerts
–– Theory of relative idiocy.

Filmmaker says she 'walked away' from Lizzo's documentary because the singer was 'arrogant, self-centered, and unkind'
–– Or perfect subject for doc.

Lizzo Responds to Sexual Harassment, Hostile Work Environment Allegations: “I Am Not the Villain”
–– Marvel won't cast her as Lizard in next Spiderman film.

9 Black TV hosts who helped shape television
–– You’re blaming them?

Jennifer Lopez, 54, Poses in Itty-Bitty Blue Lingerie in New Pics
–– You’re not going to get us with this clickba… hey, it's kinda see-through below!

Kanye West allowed back on Twitter following his ban over antisemitic conspiracies
–– West case scenario.

Joe Rogan Says It’s a ‘Fact’ That Jan. 6 Was a False Flag, Cites Ray Epps
–– Claims convictions of Trump mob ‘made-up’, rioters relocated to Villages, not jail.

Where is Peter Doocy? Why the Fox News White House correspondent has been off the air
–– Anyone checked up Trump’s doocy?

Kelly Ripa Hilariously Recalls Daughter Lola Walking In On Her And Mark Consuelos Having Sex Twice
–– And why she refused to come in third time they called.

Michelle Yeoh marries partner Jean Todt nearly 7,000 days after he first proposed
–– Before he’s dead.

Sports official suspended for nepotism after painfully slow athlete finishes last in 100-meter race
–– Got mentally slow daughter to defend her at hearing.

Overstock is now Bed Bath & Beyond. Here’s what you need to know.
–– Reread first sentence.

99-year-old trucking company Yellow shuts down, putting 30,000 out of work
–– Freight so.

Trader Joe’s recalls broccoli cheddar soup and falafel amid concerns over insects and rocks
–– Eat soup, feel awful.

Papa Johns’ prices are driving some customers away
–– Not rancid pizzas?

I ate 64 consecutive restaurant meals on my own. Here’s how to embrace solo dining
–– Let us first digest sadness of your life.

Red Wine Is The Secret To Ina Garten's Best Marinara Sauce
–– Drink enough and you’ll think it’s delicious.

Worst queso scenario: Truck spills nacho cheese on Arkansas highway
–– Pun OQueso with us.

What Asia’s top potato chip maker learned from a huge supply shortage
–– Customers couldn't tell potato from sliced styrofoam peanut.

This embarrassing bathroom accident is more common than you think
–– Inside poop.

The Price of Admission to America’s Museums Keeps Rising
–– As shows grow increasingly worthless.

When Edward Hopper fell in love with Jo Nivison, she turned his life around
–– More feminist revisionism thrown in Hopper.

A museum’s historic human remains are now the center of an ethics clash
–– Critics have bone to pick.

This Is the Cheapest European City to Fly to, According to a New Report
–– Shitpis, Latvia.

The Middle East is Emerging as a Serious Startup Hotspot — Here's What Entrepreneurs Worldwide Can Learn
–– Summer temps will melt your shorts.

Ornate necklace found in an ancient grave site of a child and reassembled
–– And peddled at local bazaar.

Lost for centuries, Emperor Nero’s theater is unearthed in Rome
–– With singed fiddle intact.

Disney’s governing district in Florida slashes all DEI programs
–– Replaced with DOA programs.

College Board advises Florida schools to not offer AP Psychology after state says lessons about gender identity and sexuality would violate state law
–– Analyze diss.

Central Florida is a hotspot for leprosy, report says
–– Costing them arm and leg.

How Florida let a top insurer abandon homeowners in their time of greatest need
–– By just being Florida.

L.A. could lose 1.7 million people by 2060. It’s not just because they’re leaving.
–– Serious serial killer is on loose.

Mom of 2 dies of water intoxication, family says
–– Total washout.

Daredevil climber dies after plunging 68 floors from Hong Kong skyscraper
–– Risk reward.

Opinion The lobotomy-chic trend has an ugly history
–– Chic? Did WaPo editor have one?

Ohio police officer fired not because K-9 attacked man, but for talking about it
–– Should’ve kept mouth shut like dog.

New York authorities announce identity of another Gilgo Beach murder victim
–– Investigation is gogo.

Man found in barrel at Malibu Lagoon was aspiring L.A. recording artist
–– Found interior little ‘bassy.’

Grandma pushed down stairs, hit with sauce can in fatal fight with daughter, cops say
–– Tin drummed.

Texas grandmother sentenced to 5 years in jail after kidnapping grandkids from Cicis pizza joint
–– Reduced from 6 for sparing minors criminally bad food.

‘Preppy Killer’ Robert Chambers is released again from prison after serving years for unrelated drug crimes
–– Finally ready to be productive member of society.

NYC pedestrians tackle fleeing suspect who allegedly plowed into 10 people during police chase
–– On non-street sweeping day.

74-year-old female teacher faces 600 years behind bars for sex assault on teen
–– Gran larceny.

Stowaways found hiding after weeks on massive ship's rudder
–– Lives lacked direction.

Consider This Before You Judge Commander (or Any Other Dog)
–– Bite me.

Bear caught on camera dragging golfer's bag into the wood
–– Caddie shock.

Alaska’s newest gold rush: Seaweed
–– Seaweed’s folly?

‘Giant’ orange creature found lurking in Amazon rainforest. It’s a new species
–– ‘Biggish spider’ sounds less scary.

Meet — but don’t touch — the toxic invasive worm that experts say has been hiding in plain sight
–– Keep it zipped up.

Biologist warns of paralyzing power of this wasp sting: 'Spider purgatory'
–– Stiff warning.

Pooping, splooting, spitting: How wild animals beat the heat
–– Same as Ron DeSantis, apparently.

Amazon deforestation at six-year-low in Brazil after plunging 66% in July
–– Should give climate activists woody.

Ocean heat record broken, with grim implications for the planet
–– But great news for seafood boils.

Opinion | You’re probably recycling plastic wrong. And it’s not your fault.­­
–– Whew, that’s a relief!

Opinion | Covid gave me 2 options: Give in to alcohol addiction, or choose life
–– We’ll drink to that.

New Jersey Lt. Gov. Sheila Oliver dies at 71
–– First, last time most Jerseyites heard of her.

Angus Cloud, breakout star of ‘Euphoria,’ is dead at 25
–– Cloud passes. Over.

Paul Reubens, Best Known as Pee-wee Herman, Dead at 70 After Years with Cancer: 'A Treasured Friend'
–– We know he is, but what are you?

Critic’s Appreciation: Paul Reubens and Pee-wee Herman Left a Timeless and Ageless Mark on the Culture
–– Which had also become childish, asexual, unbearable.

SNL Paid Tribute To Paul Reubens With Viral Sketch Featuring Pee-Wee Herman And Andy Samberg And I Forgot How Over-The-Top It Was
–– Any other bouts of dementia you’d like to share?

Pee-wee Herman and the complications of talking about people after they die
–– Can we write about the dirty stuff? Can we? Can we?

Pee-wee-wee Herman Actor Paul Reubens Was Charged with Possession of Child Pornography?
–– Be our guest.