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Concussional Hearing
Week of 07/28/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Mitch McConnell as the Disney snowman Olaf stands immobile at the podium as Senate colleagues look on under the title Froze, Over.Mitch McConnell Suffers an Episode at the Capitol, Freezing Midsentence
–– Frozen asshat.

Beto O’Rourke: One Person Can End Cruelty at the Border
–– ‘Walker, Texas Ranger.’

McConnell has fallen multiple times this year, sources say
–– Into Dianne Feinstein’s arms.

Mitch McConnell should step down as Senate minority leader after freezing, GOP senator says
–– Or fall down.

Trump charged with seeking to delete security footage in documents case
–– And littering, jaywalking, selling loose cigarettes.

“Suicide mission”: Trump reportedly turned down by lawyers because his “case is a certain loser”
–– Legal briefs come with cyanide pills.

Opinion: Trump tests the Oscar Wilde-P.T. Barnum theory
–– For closeted clowns?

Trump needed $225 million. A little-known bank came to the rescue.
–– J.P. Moron Chase.

“Incandescently stupid": Former DHS official says he had to "dumb" down classified memos for Trump
–– Anonymous bosh.

Giuliani Concedes He Made False Statements About Georgia Election Workers
–– “But only because my mouth was moving.”

Infrastructure and green energy spending are powering the economy
–– Leaving voters understandably… disgruntled?

Nearly 4 million in U.S. cut from Medicaid, most for paperwork reasons
–– Cuts on fingers?

DeSantis Involved in Car Crash; He and His Team Are Unhurt
–– Metaphor undamaged.

DeSantis doubles down on claim that some Blacks benefited from slavery
–– Insists plantation owners offered equivalent of free MasterClass.

DeSantis hoped to outflank Trump in anti-vax insanity: Here's why it's not working
–– There’s no right of utter madness.

DeSantis Cuts Campaign Staff by a Third in Effort to Rein In Costs
–– Removes upper torsos, heads.

Republicans are threatening to sabotage George W. Bush’s greatest accomplishment
–– Rehabilitation of image due to Trump victory.

Auschwitz Memorial criticizes Fox News' Greg Gutfeld for saying Jews survived Nazi camps by being 'useful'
–– Arbeit schmuck fried.

On the Road With Will Hurd, the Bipartisan Candidate in Search of a Base
–– So delusional we assumed he was freebasing.

The Grandfather of Modern Neo-Nazism Is Fighting With Satanic Neo-Nazis Now
–– With help from Spider-Neo-Nazi.

Linda Yaccarino Calls Twitter Rebrand To X “A Second Chance To Make Another Big Impression”
–– When was first, again?

Twitter cofounder Jack Dorsey urges ‘calm’ after Elon Musk eliminates the last traces of his original company
–– Like ‘cool billion.’

The former Twitter exec who went viral for sleeping on the office floor said she had no choice but to do so because of Elon Musk's 'nearly impossible deadline'
–– Preparing for inevitable joblessness due to boss' ineptitude.

Companies Aren’t Eager to Cut Their Prices as Costs Fall
–– Don’t discount greed.

Whistleblower tells Congress the US is concealing ‘multi-decade’ program that captures UFOs
–– Is that whistle or wind blowing through ears?

The Ukrainians are begging Western countries for F-16s, but they've also got their eyes on an often overlooked Swedish jet
–– They have to stop poring over death merchants’ catalogues.

Lukashenko ‘struggling to keep Wagner troops from attacking Poland’
–– Path of leash resistance.

Putin is trying to flex his influence in Africa, but countries are giving him the cold shoulder
–– Not easy in 110º heat.

India now has AI news anchors. I tuned in and within the first 5 minutes, it's clear that news presenters are in serious trouble.
–– Most would be threatened by cardboard cutouts.

Variety faces calls for a retraction as its head-turning story about CNN drama begins to fall apart
–– Don’t know when they’re Licht.

AOC Joins Actors and Writers On New York Picket Line: “This Is a Fight Against Greed”
–– “And I see lotsa cameras.”

Bethenny Frankel Enlists Power Attorneys Bryan Freedman and Mark Geragos in Fight for Reality Star Protections: ‘This Is Going to Be a War’ (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Vs. Reality.

Venice Doubles (Triples?) Down on Scandal With New Films From Roman Polanski, Woody Allen and Luc Besson
–– Ménage auteur?

Inside ‘Barbie’s’ Pink Publicity Machine: How Warner Bros. Pulled Off the Marketing Campaign of the Year
–– By spending 50% more than on actual product?

Topless Florence Pugh Scene in ‘Oppenheimer’ Digitally Censored (With a CGI Black Dress) in Middle East, India
–– Covering mushroom clouds.

Christopher Nolan Hadn’t Been Asked About Inception In 'A While' But Shares His Ending Take
–– 'Psych!'

‘Oppenheimer’ Draws Outrage in India Over Bhagavad Gita Reading During Sex Scene
–– Nolan thought it was Kama Sutra.

Who was Lewis Strauss, the villain played by Robert Downey Jr. who tried to frame J. Robert Oppenheimer as a communist?
–– Strauss man fallacy.

Cillian Murphy calls 'Oppenheimer' costar Robert Downey Jr. the most 'unpredictably brilliant' actor he's worked with
–– Nuclear-powered log-rolling.

J. Robert Oppenheimer’s Grandson Says He “Definitely Would Have Removed” One Scene in Christopher Nolan’s Film
–– 'That one where he's at a lecture in the beginning until around the end credits.'

Elderly drug dealer in overdose death of 'The Wire' actor Michael K. Williams sentenced to two-and-a-half years in prison
–– More elderly than Williams will ever be.

Woman arrested in connection with death of Robert De Niro’s grandson, law enforcement source says
–– Inspiring how cops hunt down dealers to stars.

Tiffany Chen Says She ‘Lost All Facial Function” After Welcoming Baby With Robert De Niro
–– He claims it was like “working with Audrey Plaza.”

Kevin Spacey Sensationally Acquitted in U.K. Sexual Assault Trial
–– High-stepping Tommy Tune in sequins flashed two thumbs up as tuxedoed chorus boys tapped out ‘Not Guilty’ in Morse code.

Will Kevin Spacey Resurrect His Hollywood Career Or Is a Low-Budget “Millennium Phase” More Likely?
–– Not “Millennium F*** ‘Em”?

I forced myself to watch Secret Invasion but had to quit — this Marvel show stinks
–– Hell hath no Fury.

Secret Invasion Director Confirms When Rhodey Was Swapped With a Skrull
–– When was Kevin Feige?

Seth Rogen on Why He’s Turned Off From Marvel and DC Projects: “It’s a Fear of the Process”
–– Not enough weed breaks.

5 Reasons Why The MonsterVerse Is The Best Shared Universe We Currently Have
–– Except, y’know, real one real people live in.

Why Terminator 2: Judgment Day's Opening Scene Is My Favorite Movie Introduction Of All Time
–– I’ve never seen film from before 1991.

American Pie's Jason Biggs Admits He Had A 'Freakout' Before Shooting The Infamous Pie Scene And Reveals What Happened After
–– Had brief affair with dessert.

EXCLUSIVE: Tom Cruise branded 'egocentric control freak' by Eyes Wide Shut screenwriter, who casts doubt on 'genuine passion' between actor and then-wife Nicole Kidman, in scathing new book
–– Eyes wide butt.

Lana Del Rey spotted serving customers at a Waffle House in Alabama
–– Syruptitiously?

“I feel like everyone is culpable”: How Eddie Vedder reacted to the news that Amy Winehouse had died
–– Tell us about it, we’ve lived with guilt for dozen years.

Come closer and see: I saw The Cure with my parents – and here's what I learned about myself
–– Life’s irretrievably sad.

Sandra Bullock Seen Out with Flowers in Los Angeles in Rare Sighting After Her Birthday
–– When she started dating pansies unknown.

A look into ‘Barbie’s’ $150-million genius marketing campaign: None of us really knew what the movie was about, but we still went
–– Ken you dig it?

Elon Musk wades in on the 'Barbie' feminism debate: 'Take a shot every time Barbie says the word patriarchy'
–– Won’t be half as drunk as if you took shot every time someone mocked X.

Mattel Execs on Next Hollywood Moves: ‘Barney,’ ‘Polly Pocket’ and ‘Barbie’ Sequels (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Already suffering Mattel fatigue.

Christy Turlington Says She Admires Women Who Stay ‘Away from Augmentation’: ‘I Am One of Those Faces’
–– 'I never lean in to examine fake boobs.'

Shocking question at Women’s World Cup press conference ‘endangered players’ after reporter asked Morocco captain whether there were any gay players playing for a country where homosexuality is illegal
–– Out liars.

Coco Gauff has a new coach and a plan for aggressive tennis
–– Like other 21-year-old quitters?

New Denver Broncos head coach Sean Payton blasts former coach, staff
–– F***in’ Bronco.

Gen Z hates boomers, everyone hates millennials, and no one cares about Gen X. But there's more to these generational feuds than you think.
–– Yeah, forgot to add Gen Z smells like doodie.

Study of Elite College Admissions Data Suggests Being Very Rich Is Its Own Qualification
–– Don’t need PhD to figure out.

Opinion: Putting AirTags on your kids could help their quality of life
–– By preparing them for eventual chip in head.

Florida’s New Black History Standards Have Drawn Backlash. Who Wrote Them?
–– Illiterates with plenty of Wite-out.

Paperback or hardcover? Used or new? Let’s talk about our book habits.
–– You dozen people who actually read.

Like many men, I had few close friends. So I began a friendship quest.
–– Gee, we’d love to hang out, call us at 1(800)Fuc-koff.

Drugmakers Are ‘Throwing the Kitchen Sink’ to Halt Medicare Price Negotiations
–– Filled with forever chemicals.

Family trying to ‘live off the grid’ probably froze and starved to death, coroner says
–– No place to plug in electric blankets.

Judge in Parkland shooter’s trial reprimanded for hugging prosecutors
–– Justice is bind.

Video shows 5 officers tackling mentally ill man. Experts question why.
–– He clearly wasn’t near goal line.

Naked woman gets out of car at major Bay Area bridge, starts firing gun
–– Suspension of disbelief.

Accused Killer Smirks at Horrific Details of Meth-Fueled Sex Slaying
–– Was mething to her madness.

In High School, Gilgo Beach Suspect Was an Angry Loner, Schoolmates Say
–– How was 59-year-old on grade school playground?

Miami mother tried to hire hitman on parody website to kill 3-year-old son: Police
–– Ice pup.

3 suitcases with human remains found floating in Intracoastal Waterway in Delray Beach
–– Authorities mull charges for carrion luggage.

Officer who put woman in police car hit by train didn't know it was on the tracks, defense says
–– Term it ‘happy accident.’

Thieves dragging ATM from bank didn’t realize they left a big clue, Florida cops say
–– PIN heads.

Singapore executes 1st woman in almost 20 years over 31 grams of heroin
–– Knocked off high horse.

An intoxicated United Airlines pilot, who turned up for a transatlantic flight 'staggering' and with 'glassy' eyes, was given a 6-month suspended prison sentence, report says
–– Suspended in cockpit of United jet!

What Happens When You Stop at One Glass of Wine a Day?
–– At each of six bars?

The Rule About Not Eating Closed Mussels Is Actually Complicated
–– Moule of thumb.

What’s a Plant-Based Diet? Here’s What You Need to Know to Eat Less Meat.
–– Ask your gerbil.

Eating This Fruit Before Bed Could Help You Fall Asleep Faster
–– Poison apple.

McDonald’s To Expand With New Spin-Off Restaurant Chain, CosMc's
–– CosMc raise.

McDonad's Grimace Shake Trend Pays Off for Burger Chain
–– Grimace shake more common, less profitable for speed freaks.

Score Yourself Some Free Food on National Chicken Wing Day
–– If you call that food.

Subway Will Give You Free Sandwiches for Life If You Change Your Name to ‘Subway’
–– We'll will them entire estate if they change name to 'Mystery Meat.'

What to Know About Alpha-Gal Syndrome, the Red-Meat Allergy Linked to Tick Bites
–– Does it affect Alpha male?

How an English Exile Ended Up at the Court of Genghis Khan’s Grandson
–– Apple Maps.

Laser mapping reveals a forgotten Maya city in the jungle
–– At sunset and vine.

In a first, scientists find genetic cause for ‘virgin birth’ in animals
–– They can go screw themselves.

Bear leaves behind special gift after destroying woman's car
–– So they do poop on the hoods.

Beloved Florida manatee's death at aquarium came after traumatic sex injury, records show
–– Was manatee-boned.

3 humpback whales jump in unison in ‘once in a lifetime’ video
–– After ringing bells.

It’s Alive! Worms Revived After 46,000 Years in Siberian Permafrost
–– Last thing they remember was doing curls.

Remains of Chihuahua-Sized Dog Unearthed at Roman Britain Villa
–– Proportioned exactly like dachshund?

Golden retriever’s huge smile as the sun shines through window melts hearts
–– Zelensky requests as weapon in counteroffensive.

Avi Loeb’s Deep Dive for Alien Life Is Making Other Scientists Gasp
–– Which can happen from laughing too hard.

A Warp Drive Breakthrough That Could Make Interstellar Travel Possible
–– In latest Star Trek prequel.

Melting ice reveals remains of climber lost on glacier 37 years ago
–– Looking a lot like Mitch McConnell.

Most fires in Greece were started ‘by human hand’, government says
–– The rest by Hephaestus.

The CDC sees signs of a late summer COVID wave
–– For Labored Breathing Day.

Stu Silver, ‘Throw Momma From the Train’ Screenwriter, Dies at 76
–– Board stiff.

Randy Meisner, Eagles Co-Founder and Singer of ‘Take It To The Limit,’ Dies at 77
–– The Eagle has landed.

Sinéad O’Connor, acclaimed Dublin singer, dies aged 56
–– Sinéad to rest.

Where Are the Sinéad O’Connor Tributes From U.K. Broadcasters?
–– How many times can you play Nothing Compares to You?