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Expel ✓
Week of 12/01/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Photo-illustration parody of the expulsion of George Santos from the U.S. House of Representatives as a movie poster for a horror film entitled Santos Contra los Zombies with Santos as Santo, the famed masked luchador with Rep. Lauren Boebert in the foreground and two hooded evildoers torturing Kitara Revache, the disgraced legislator's drag altar-ego in the lower left. The copy reads 'Santos, Artista de Mierda Enmascarado Expulsadas por las politicas muertas vivas which translates in Enlish as 'Santos, the Masked Bullshit Artist Expelled by the undead politicians.'House votes to expel indicted Rep. George Santos from Congress
–– Flushed with pride.

Rand Paul Uses Heimlich on Joni Ernst at Senate Lunch
–– Iowa chop expelled like Santos.

George Santos says he'll treat expulsion as a 'badge of honor' as he claims his colleagues are drunkenly having sex with lobbyists 'every night’
–– Which is fantasy he employs to expel jism.

Mike Johnson Says He Spoke With George Santos About Ethics Scandal Over Thanksgiving
–– Santos claims his relatives catered first feast.

Hunter Biden offers to testify publicly before House panel
–– Taking on all Comers.

The US economy grew by 5.2% in the third quarter, even faster than previously estimated
–– Nation’s grateful response? ‘Drop out of the race, you old doddering incompetent!’

813,000 student-loan borrowers are now getting emails that their loans are wiped out following Biden's recent reforms
–– Students’ grateful response? ‘Stop backing genocide, you old Zionist war criminal!’

Trump court cases: A list of all current and pending legal cases on the ex-president's docket
–– If you’ve got couple of hours.

Federal judge rejects Trump’s attempt to dismiss 2020 election subversion case
–– She’s difficult to understand through gales of laughter.

Trump's pardoning of a Kushner-linked drug smuggler undercut a larger DOJ investigation
–– He did out of professional courtesy.

McCarthy visited Mar-a-Lago after January 6 because staffers said Trump was 'not eating,' Liz Cheney writes in forthcoming book
–– Brought him congressional page to chew out.

Koch network endorses Nikki Haley for president as it looks to stop Trump
–– Makes Haley Mary pass.

Influential GOP donors are betting their millions on Haley in a new push to beat Trump
–– Why not buy off MAGA voters with Big Mouth Billy Basses?

DeSantis holds up S.F. ‘poop map’ during debate with Newsom
–– Data dumps.

At Trump's NY fraud trial, a rep for 'victim' Deutsche Bank wouldn't use the F-word — for fraud
–– We’ll use F-word –– rep’s a fool.

National Christmas Tree falls amid high winds, reports say
–– Authorities trying to determine metaphorical impact.

‘Archaic’: the Tennessee town that made homosexuality illegal
–– Not Greek, exactly, but y’know…

X May Lose Up to $75 Million in Revenue as More Advertisers Pull Out
–– Pretty soon staff will be down to dozen white supremacists, daughter X Æ A-Xii.

Elon Musk Uses a Crude Insult to Slam Advertisers for Pulling Back From X
–– ‘F**king’; predictable.

Elon Musk will meet with Israel’s president after backlash over antisemitic post
–– His bottom line nation’s number 1 concern.

Israel’s president: Hamas' 'passive-aggressive' approach is an attempt to drive Israel ‘crazy'
–– October 7th seemed bit more ‘aggressive-aggressive.'

3 Palestinian students were shot in Vermont. Civil rights groups are calling for a close look at the motive
–– We hate to tell you…

Just 2 House members did not vote in favor of a resolution affirming Israel's right to exist
–– If you can't guess at least one, you'll be asked Tlaib.

Cynthia Nixon Goes on Hunger Strike to Protest Israel-Hamas Conflict
–– Ozempic not working?

Putin is urging women to have as many as 8 children after so many Russians died in his war with Ukraine
–– Fathered by him!

A Russian soldier says his regiment lost over 1,000 men in just 10 days of fighting in Ukraine
–– Looks like Putin’s already screwing husbands.

Wife of Ukraine’s Spy Chief Was Poisoned, Officials Say
–– And not by him!

Geert Wilders vows to become Dutch PM by compromising with other parties
–– Switching Geert’s?

Paris mayor says she's quitting Elon Musk's 'global sewer' platform X as city gears up for Olympics
–– Prefers Paris sewer like Phantom of Opera.

North Korea says Kim Jong Un has examined photos from new spy satellite
–– Could only make out amorphous blobs because so smashed.

South Koreans want their own nukes. That could roil one of the world’s most dangerous regions
–– And own cool Kim fade haircuts.

North Korea says it will not negotiate sovereignty with 'double-faced' US
–– U.S.: ‘Well, we’re not negotiating nothin’ with triple-chinned Kim!’

A man was sentenced to 3 months in a Dubai jail after he insulted airport staff who didn't bring his mom a wheelchair
–– Wheels of justice turn slowly, but grind exceedingly fine

‘Deeply disturbing’: Watch as a wheelchair goes flying down the ramp at Miami airport
–– In Florida, old lady fined for not being in it.

Reports Say Pope Francis Is Evicting U.S. Cardinal From His Vatican Home
–– Will he fly South for Winter?

The Guardian Newspaper Inks First-Look Deal With Sony Pictures
–– Half their news stories already three-quarters fiction.

Stephen Colbert cancels late-night shows after his appendix burst
–– Into laughter!

Miley Cyrus Stuns in a transparent Bustier and an LBD for Her 31st Birthday
–– Frankly, she looks stunned.

Blue Ivy Carter Read the Comments Criticizing Her Beyoncé Tour Dancing. Then, She Trained Harder.
–– Wasn’t fear of firing.

Lori Harvey Straps into Reptilian Femme LA Sandals at Beyoncé’s ‘Renaissance’ World Premiere
–– We just thought you’d wanna know.

Opening day of Young Thug trial gets messy
–– Or ‘on brand.’

Kanye West Gives Surprise Performance of New Song ‘Vultures’ in Dubai
–– Emirs let him carrion.

Robert De Niro, Upset Trump Comments Were Cut From His Gotham Awards Speech, Lashes Out at the Former President
–– Raging bull.

Bradley Cooper says he’d probably say yes to ‘Hangover 4’ ‘in an instant’
–– If he could play character as Lenny Bernstein.

Box Office: ‘Hunger Games’ Prequel and ‘Napoleon’ Conquer Thanksgiving as ‘Wish’ Wobbles
–– Turkey fails to gobble.

Disney’s Wish Comes Up Short at the Box Office. It’s Another Blow for the House of Mouse
–– So many blows will apply for Nevada brothel license.

Taika Waititi ‘Had No Interest’ in Directing a Marvel Movie, Took ‘Thor: Ragnarok’ Because He Was ‘Poor’ and It Was ‘A Great Opportunity to Feed’ His Kids
–– If only studio had provided ass guard.

John Travolta recalls near-death experience after his plane suffered 'total electrical failure’
–– ‘And realized it was metaphor for my career.’

Todd Snider Raided the Vaults for a New ‘Lost’ Album — And Found Jimmy Buffett Along the Way
–– Vaults or mausoleum?

Why NCIS Bringing Back Former Cast Members for Any Ducky Tribute Episode Is Much Easier Said Than Done
–– Ducky responsibility?

How Hollywood’s Sex Scenes Will Change With the New SAG-AFTRA Contract
–– Will be Mormon smokin’ hot!

Lifetime Boss Reacts to Network’s First Sex Scene in a Christmas Movie: ‘There’s an Audience Hungry for Grown-Up Romance’ (EXCLUSIVE)
–– ‘And seeing Santa slide up Mrs. C’s chimney!’

Why We Can’t Let Stephen Sondheim Go
–– Isn’t single decent Broadway composer to replace.

Flaubert’s letters are as hilarious and humane as his best fiction
–– Remember those belly laughs in Madame Bovary?

NFL legend slams the league for ‘stealing money’ on Amon-Ra St. Brown’s fine
–– Was E-gipped?

Stanley Cup champion Corey Perry waived by Chicago Blackhawks for ‘unacceptable’ conduct
–– Iced.

46 arrested following ‘large-scale disorder’ prior to Europa Conference League match
–– Disorder is soccer fanaticism.

Not Everything Has to Be Meaningful
–– Like this essay, for example.

Merriam-Webster’s 2023 word of the year is the real deal
–– Authentic fake.

Psychologists warn against oppositional defiant disorder diagnosis — it could mask deeper issues
–– Like your kid’s a little prick.

Naked man arrested on iconic Disneyland ride
–– Proving it’s small world, after all.

Smashing Pumpkins Perform on Disney’s Magical Holiday Celebration: Watch
–– Still waiting for their post-Halloween hit.

Greek PM Confident of Ending Centuries-Old Elgin Marbles Dispute
–– Playing for all the Marbles.

'We got it wrong': WeightWatchers CEO on weight loss
–– ‘Screw self-discipline, eat what you want, pop pills. Just like mom used to.’

Italy’s prized white truffles sell for big money in fancy restaurants. But there’s a deadly cost
–– Pigs snuffing competitor dogs.

Chinese celebrity chef vows to never cook egg fried rice again after nationalist backlash
–– Has all over face he tried to save.

South Korean Farmers Threaten to Release 2 Million Strays in Protest of Dog Meat Ban
–– If you prefer free range mutt.

Guy Fieri Signs New $100 Million Multiyear Deal With Food Network
–– In exchange for promise to finally take cooking lessons.

Guy Fieri’s son Hunter engaged to pickleball pro Tara Bernstein
–– Pickleball now on Flavortown Kitchen menu slathered in jalapeño ranch dressing, sauerkraut.

If You Think McDonald's Makes Money From Hamburgers and Fries, Then You'll Be Shocked by What Its Real Business Is
–– Stomach pumps?

Subway Isn't Being Cheap, There's An Actual Reason It Limits Your Toppings
–– All taste like damp styrofoam anyway.

The Reason Aldi Beef Is Usually So Much Cheaper
–– Sourced from rats.

The meatloaf of my dreams uses a surprising ingredient
–– Crème de la Portnoy.

Some business leaders like Jeff Bezos hate the phrase 'work-life balance.' Here's what they prefer instead.
–– ‘Work!’

The Panama Canal Is So Backed UpShips Are Rerouting Through the Suez
–– Captain has to listen to Siri repeat ‘rerouting’ for 7,250 miles.

A doctor tried to renew his passport. Now he’s no longer a citizen.
–– Visa vis nothing.

Thanksgiving Eve Brawl at Restaurant Leaves Man Bloodied, Video Shows
–– Bloodied? C’mon, we expect multiple body count in theses stories.

Oscar Pistorius: what his life will be like after prison
–– No more nighttime bathroom visits for bedmates.

Susan Smith, nearing parole after murders of young sons, says she'd be 'good stepmom': report
–– ‘Admirer’ on phone, George Santos, agrees.

Wife of Suspected Long Island Serial Killer Accused of ‘Trying to Capitalize’ on Case With New Docuseries
–– And pricey Gilgo Beach Body Bags.

Inmate who stabbed Derek Chauvin 22 times is charged with attempted murder, prosecutors say
–– And gross incompetence.

Stabbing of Derek Chauvin Raises Questions About Inmate Safety
–– Let’s not race to conclusions.

New York corrections officer arrested after allegedly forcing inmate to perform sexual act
–– So does this stabbing.

Inmates at Ghislaine Maxwell's prison are plugging leaks with tampons and eating moldy food
–– So she’d feel at home?

Man with pole arrested, accused of attacking people in San Bernardino
–– Offered no vault insurance.

Indian national accused in $100K murder-for-hire plot against NYC-based leader of Sikh separatist movement
–– Sikh revenge.

A fully-intact fly was found inside a man's colon during a routine colonoscopy
–– Could be heard screaming, ‘Help me! Help me!’

You Know About the Birds and the Bees, but Guess What These Bats Do
–– Screw ‘em both.

‘Leaning tower’ in Italy on ‘high alert’ for collapse
–– Refuses to lay off Chianti.

Dinosaur extinction: New study suggests they were killed off by more than an asteroid
–– Authorities find evidence of contract put out by Brasilodon.

Inheritance money in dispute after death of woman who made millions off sale of T-rex remains
–– Relatives make big bones about it.

Ancient 20-inch-long hand ax discovered in Saudi Arabia may be world's largest
–– Depends who you’re axing.

November’s full beaver moon will shine bright this weekend
–– If Luna doesn’t cross legs.

A Chinese Rocket Crashed Into the Moon... With a Mystery Object in Tow
–– Carton of fireworks which lit up sky.

Why an oil kingdom is hosting the COP28 climate summit and other questions answered
–– Offered UN best buffet package.

Rare Gathering of Former First Ladies Shows Style, and Subtle Differences
–– Melania only one who looked like she might’ve drained corpse of life.

Jimmy Carter Wears Blanket Featuring Image of Late Wife Rosalynn's Face to Her Memorial Service
–– Like shroud.

Victor J. Kemper, Cinematographer on ‘Dog Day Afternoon’, ‘Husbands’ and ‘The Jerk,’ Dies at 96
–– Lit out.

Marty Krofft, Colorful Producer of ‘H.R. Pufnstuf,’ ‘Land of the Lost,’ Dies at 86
–– Felt ill.

Frances Sternhagen, a two-time Tony winner and TV standout, dies at 93
–– Corpses.

Charles T. Munger, Much More Than Warren Buffett’s No. 2, Dies at 99
–– Munger those Buffetted by Fate.

Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, first woman on the Supreme Court, dies
–– Defense rests.

Henry Kissinger, a dominating and polarizing force in US foreign policy, dies at 100
–– Confirms adage, ‘the good die young.’

Henry Kissinger, America’s Most Notorious War Criminal, Dies At 100
–– Can resume Paris Peace Talks with Lê Đức Thọ in Hell.