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Unfriendly Persuasion
Week of 02/02/24

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of Mark Zuckerberg's apologetic apperance before the U.S. Congress with him dressed up in medieval garb in the video role of The Pied Piper of Metaverse leading a flock of smiling children who are saying, "We feel like vermin." There's a Facebook thumbs-up logo with the words 'Award Winning' on the VCR tape cover along with the taglines, 'Friend Me and Follow Me!' and 'Remember, I'm Sorry.'Mark Zuckerberg’s apology during hearing a ‘turning point’, says Meta whistleblower Frances Haugen
–– As he spins like top.

E.U. Reaches Deal on Fund for Ukraine
–– Fund-size package.

Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg apologizes to parents of victims of online exploitation in heated Senate hearing
–– After requesting AC be turned up.

Biden Reportedly Unloads On 'Sick F**k' Trump In Private
–– He wins nickname contest.

Why isn’t the growing economy helping public perception of Biden?
–– Morons can’t even add.

Nikki Haley taunts Trump and he takes the bait. Will she keep it up?
–– Whale can swallow unlimited bait.

Republicans Agonize Over Supporting Bipartisan Border Bill They'd Insisted On
–– Kinda like discomfort of drowning in Rio Grande.

Trump brags about efforts to stymie border talks: ‘Please blame it on me’
–– Spoken like real 'Sick F**k.'

Trump’s Running Mate? It’s Gotta Be Vivek Ramaswamy.
–– It’s like ass meets hole.

House GOP unveils Mayorkas impeachment articles despite lack of evidence
–– ‘Charges’ scrawled on soiled cocktail napkin.

'God's Army' trucker convoy tested as 'Biblical' border mission falls into chaos: report
–– No participant can pass 3rd-grade literacy exam.

Judge Scraps Trial Date for Trump Election Subversion Case
–– Chutkan it out.

Prosecutor in Trump Georgia Case Admits Relationship With Colleague
–– What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?

Prosecutor in Trump Georgia case settles divorce ahead of testimony
–– We're thrilled for ex-wife who just needed to subvert historic election fraud case to get way.

‘Anyone can get a name mixed up. 7 times is kind of a lot': Pelosi on Trump's name mix-up
–– This week in presidemential politics.

Three of Steve Garvey’s Children Say He’s No Family Man
–– And three strikes, yer out.

Rep. Ocasio-Cortez says Americans should not ‘toss someone out of our public discourse’ for accusing Israel of genocide
–– Or crypto-anti-semitism.

‘Squad’ Democrats Cori Bush and Rashida Tlaib vote against bill to ban Hamas terrorists from US
–– This week in 'who'da thunk it?'

Gunmen take hostages at US company's Turkish factory in apparent protest of Gaza war
–– Jive Turkey.

Plans approved for U.S. strikes against Iranian targets in Iraq, Syria
–– Save-the-date cards mailed to local terrorists.

U.S. Strikes Over 85 Targets at 7 Sites in Iraq and Syria Against Iran’s Forces and Proxies
–– But who's counting?

Biden to issue executive order targeting violent Israeli settlers in the West Bank
–– Wouldn't it save time to give passes to nonviolent ones?

Where Is Hamas Getting Its Weapons? Increasingly, From Israel.
–– Wholesale!

Ukraine is running out of weapons. Is it also running low on the time-tested coping mechanism of humor?
–– Does Zelensky need to return for Season 4?

Vladimir Putin Accuses Kyiv Of Trying To Provoke Russia After 2 Years Of Shelling Ukraine
–– Maybe this’ll help with humor shortage.

Exclusive: Xi promised Biden China wouldn’t interfere in 2024 election
–– Somewhere in world.

Judge voids Elon Musk's 'unfathomable' $56 billion Tesla pay package
–– But acknowledges he'd reached bottom.

Elon Musk says Tesla shareholders will vote ‘immediately’ on quitting Delaware for Texas
–– Coward wants to be yellow star of Texas.

Elon Musk says his Neuralink startup has implanted a chip in its first human brain
–– After mixed success with primates.

Evan Rachel Wood Still Doesn’t Know ‘Westworld’ Ending After Cancellation: “It Keeps Me Up at Night”
–– Does she really know beginning, middle?

Maisie Williams Makes an Unexpected Pairing Work In Her Favor
–– Left, right breast?

BMG Splits With Roger Waters Over Pink Floyd Co-Founder’s Comments on Israel (EXCLUSIVE)
–– The dark side of the moron.

What is Morgellons disease, the mysterious and controversial condition Joni Mitchell claims she has?
–– Some assistant editor sounds wee bit skeptical.

Supermodel Christie Brinkley turns 70 with plans to 'eat, pray, love’
–– 'Purge, weep, nap.'

Andrew Scott: sex scenes less ‘embarrassing’ for audience if one actor plays both characters
–– Isn't that called public masturbation?

Tim Burton to Direct ‘Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman’ Remake With ‘Gone Girl’ Author Gillian Flynn
–– But she doesn’t look taller than 5’6”.

Bradley Cooper Says Watching Vince Vaughn on ‘Wedding Crashers’ Set ‘Changed Me Forever’: He Was ‘Absolutely Willing to Fail’ Take After Take
–– After take after take after…

Larry David Attacked Elmo on Live TV and Joked 'Someone Had to Do It,' Then Apologized After Being Told 'You've Gone Too Far This Time’
–– Tackle me Elmo.

Larry David Seemingly Reverses His Apology After Attacking Elmo on the 'Today' Show: 'I Would Do It Again!’
–– Felt good?

Chloë Sevigny Is So Over NYC’s Women Walking Their Dogs in Athleisure
–– We love this bitch.

HBO Drops ‘White Lotus’ Actor Who Was Criticized by Ukraine
–– Checked out.

Matthew Vaughn Says MPA Rules Over Violence ‘Made Me Laugh’: ‘Head Shots Give You’ an R Rating, but ‘Chest Shots Don’t … I Don’t Understand That’
–– How many head shots did he take before making Argylle?

Dominic West ‘Read All the Reviews’ for ‘The Crown’ and ‘Spent Two Days in Bed’: ‘I’m a Sensitive Soul. I Worry About What People Think’
–– Charley on the spot.

Bob Odenkirk better call King Charles. As it turns out, they are related
–– Saul searching.

Welcome to the ‘Death Star’: Everything to know about Las Vegas’ state-of-the-art Allegiant Stadium hosting Super Bowl LVIII
–– Kicking off two weeks of utterly meaningless reporting.

Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake’s Super Bowl ‘Nipplegate’ happened 20 years ago. People are still mad
–– Mental health alert.

David Letterman Tells Taylor Swift’s NFL Haters to ‘Shut Up’: Her Travis Kelce Romance Is ‘Such a Lovely Thing’ and ‘It’s Good for the Footballers’
–– And, ‘who’s Taylor Swift again?’

Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva banned for four years by Court of Arbitration for Sport
–– We assume everyone’s high in Putin’s Russia.

What’s Really Behind the ‘Mob Wife Aesthetic’?
–– What’s behind any made-up non-trend you’re pretending is thing?

Lions’ Dan Campbell made bad decisions during NFC title game, but not the ones you think
–– You think we thought about his thinking?

MLB and clubs to fund replacement for destroyed Jackie Robinson statue as GoFundMe reaches $150K
–– Why not make what’s left monument to Shoeless Joe Jackson?

Vince McMahon’s abuse ‘in its own class of depravity,’ ex-WWE employee endured ‘sexual slavery’: lawyer
–– Not too hard to pin down.

An artist who appeared nude in a Marina Abramović piece sues MoMA, alleging it failed to protect him from sexual assault
–– Where rubber met the rod.

No One Wants to Manage Anymore
–– Nor generally cope.

Can This A.I.-Powered Search Engine Replace Google? It Has for Me.
–– I’m a bot.

American surprised after trying UK McDonald’s items for the first time
–– Didn’t realize humans could vomit that far.

Woman stabbed multiple times at Fresno park. She went to McDonald’s for help, police say
–– Ordered Diet Coke, leaked.

Subway’s new footlong cookies are so popular that it’s struggling to keep up with demand
–– Actually taste like feet.

Is a shoe-free home really better? Scientists may have an answer
–– Sock it to me.

Is it true that red wine causes headaches?
–– We’ll save you one –– nobody knows.

You Can’t Buy Lab-Grown Meat Even If You Wanted To
–– Even if you're test tube baby?

Rodent urine. Moldy cappuccino. Leaky ceiling. Wichita KS restaurant inspections
–– Of actual menu items!

A junior-high principal was fired after he was caught pouring more coffee than he paid for
–– Lack of principal.

How accurate are Punxsutawney Phil's Groundhog Day predictions?
–– You gotta ask?

Disney trips are so complicated now that you need a class to plan one
–– Taught by Goofy.

Sea Pines exec arrested in Florida after drunkenly slapping cast member, police say
–– Did wake Snow White.

Man dips fingers in boiling Yellowstone spring to show off – it doesn't go well
-– Old faceful erupts.

Flight attendant reveals the wildest things he's seen in 25 years on the job, from mile-high hookups to defecation
–– We'll bookmark this for later.

Mass tourism has turned Florence into a ‘prostitute,’ museum boss says, sparking outrage
–– Please, Signora Hollberg, today we say ‘sex worker’.

23andMe’s Fall From $6 Billion to Nearly $0
–– Inherit the wind.

The rarest eye color in the world, and why so few people have it
–– Green with envy?

A Scientific Breakthrough Has Unveiled the Ancient Source of Our Pain
–– Stone tablet on toe.

Your appendix is not, in fact, useless. This anatomy professor explains
–– Your recondite study that proceeds it is.

Should you flush with toilet lid up or down? Study says it doesn’t matter
–– We love time-saving headlines.

Would you dump someone if they didn’t peel you an orange?
–– If you met on Rindr?

My Brother-in-Law Gets Free Child Care From His Parents. Why Don’t We?
–– Your kid’s as entitled, miserable as you?

Syphilis Is Soaring in the U.S.
–– Clap if you have it.

DNA From 2,000-Year-Old Skeletons Hints at the Origins of Syphilis
–– So can't put back Columbus statues?

Scientists found a major clue why 4 of 5 autoimmune patients are women
–– Men don’t go to doctors.

Women are being diagnosed with ADHD at unprecedented rates. Here’s why.
–– They go to doctors.

Six Reasons Why It’s So Hard to Get Your Weight-Loss Drugs
–– 4. You’re sitting on them!

Cannabis production waste found dumped in Sheffield river
–– Make that Shitfaced river.

Doctor who prescribed more than 500,000 opioid doses has conviction tossed
–– Apparently including prosecutors who gave jury dopey instructions.

NYC councilman Yusef Salaam was pulled over by NYPD − while on a call about police stops
–– Cops just illustrating point.

Student captures video of Indiana lawmaker flashing his gun: 'I genuinely felt very unsafe’
–– Cowboys and Indiana.

NJ man used device to steal $1,700 worth of fuel from Wawa in Delaware, authorities say
–– WowWow.

Former UPS worker who dressed in company uniform accused of triple murder in home invasion
–– So that's what brown can do for you.

UK police say a woman attacked with chemicals is doing 'very poorly.' The suspect is still at large
–– Didn’t he have any distinguishing features?

Man who beheaded ex-girlfriend with sword gets 26 years to life. Not enough, says judge
–– Cut short?

Man accused of beheading his father in suburban Philadelphia home and posting gruesome video online
–– More headlines.

Skull Found By 13-Year-Old Belonged To Man Accused Of Trying To Kill His Wife
–– They sure marry young in PA.

Why is my dog barking at nothing? There's often a really good reason
–– Same stupid one you're writing this.

The Horses of Siberia Are Rapidly Evolving, Study Suggests
–– Anything to get away from Putin.

This camel has a very important job
–– Selling cigarettes to kids?

This could be the first newborn great white shark ever captured on camera
–– Scientists still trying to figure out how it took selfie.

Scientists Extracted Woolly Rhino DNA From Hyena Poop. That’s Remarkable.
–– Some pretty wild shit.

Archaeologists Discover 1,700-Year-Old Jade Mask Inside the Tomb of a Maya King
–– Inspire some hack to write Lara Croft spec strip.

Neolithic "Plastered Skulls" Found Across The Middle East And We Don't Know Why
–– Arak?

An Ancient Pyramid Is Getting a Modern Makeover. Critics Are Outraged.
–– Why, plans look tasteful?

Extinct ape's inner ear holds clues to how humans learned to walk upright
–– On balance.

What Is Carbon-14 Dating?
–– Isn’t question who?

Here’s why scientists don’t know how life on Earth began
–– Um, they weren’t there?

Why interstellar objects like ‘Oumuamua and Borisov may hold clues to exoplanets
–– And goofiness of scientists who name them.

Earth’s moon is shrinking. Here’s what scientists say that could mean
–– Cut in cheese production?

New planets have flattened shapes 'like Smarties', study finds
–– Claim stupidies.

Explorers say they think they’ve found Amelia Earhart’s long-lost plane
–– Landed on deck of Flying Dutchman.

‘Scarf bombing’ is helping keep people warm in the winter months
–– So is carpet bombing overseas.

Why is air pollution in Hanoi causing flight diversions?
–– And why didn’t communists think of this strategy during war?

Jesse Jane, Pornographic Film Star, Dies at 43
–– Laid to rest.

Carl Weathers, prolific actor famous for ‘Rocky’ and ‘The Mandalorian,’ dead at 76
–– Weathers or not.

Sylvester Stallone Honors Carl Weathers: ‘I Was So Fortunate to Be a Part of His Life. Apollo, Keep Punching’
–– Creed is good.

Chita Rivera, Tony Award-winning actress and singer, dead at 91
–– Chita of Death no more.