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Rabble Routers
Week of 01/12/24

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Photo-illustration spoof of conservative House Republicans Jim Jordan, Matt Gaetz, Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene as zombies shuffling in a field under the title Fear the Return of the Night of the Freedom Carcass with an RNC rather than AMC logo at the bottom left. The tagline at the bottom right reads 'They're Back and Deader Than Ever.'In blow to Johnson's leadership, GOP hard-liners revolt over government funding deal
–– Rabid response team.

Chris Christie to end 2024 presidential campaign
–– Christie quitter.

Conservatives Revolt Anew Over Johnson Deal to Avert Shutdown
–– They never stopped revolting us.

Pressure Builds on Pentagon to Explain Timeline of Austin’s Hospitalization
–– They have no Defense.

Biden retains confidence in Austin despite hospitalization secrecy
–– On General principles.

Hunter Biden makes surprise appearance at House committee hearing to hold him in contempt
–– Making it easier for enemies to do so.

House Oversight Hearing Turns Raucous When Hunter Biden Makes Unexpected Appearance
–– Had previously been merely madcap.

Judge says Donald Trump won't give own closing argument at civil fraud trial after disputing rules
–– Would consider letting him perform as vetrilouqist act with Eric as dummy on knee.

Trump melts down on Truth Social after “the judge cut me off in court”
–– Rendered verdict.

Trump warns of ‘bedlam’ if criminal cases bar him from White House
–– So he’ll finally check self into madhouse?

Filing alleges ‘improper’ relationship between Fulton DA, top Trump prosecutor
–– Sounds like prosecution never rested.

Allegations Against Prosecutors Bolster Trump’s Criticism of Georgia Case
–– Shakes Fani.

Opinion: Trump spreads birther lie about Nikki Haley
–– Thinks Americans born yesterday.

Trump says his businesses got money from foreign governments because he was 'doing services' for them
— Nowadays you need to refer to as sex worker.

Trump sounds off on the Civil War, again goes after John McCain and criticizes magnets
–– Magnets apparently interfering with metal plate in head.

Trump Says We Should Have Negotiated Around the Civil War. Here’s What Would Have Happened.
–– Civil War.

Melania Trump’s Stylist Shares Personal View of Former First Lady’s Mother
–– Top of scalp.

Schiff would abolish filibuster, end the Electoral College in his pro-democracy plan
–– Or Trump Initiative.

Roger Stone reportedly said leading Democratic congressman ‘has to die’
–– Like no one ever said that about Stone.

Senator Menendez Says He Can Explain Gold Bars, Cash Seized by FBI
–– Had holiday break to make up story.

Why Some Suspect Christie's Hot Mic Moment Was No Accident
–– Because he's always been vindictive sore loser?

Dean Phillips: I’m Being Blackballed — and It’s Joe Biden’s Fault
–– Offers to display sack on TV.

Police investigation finds Colorado U.S. Rep. Lauren Boebert didn’t punch ex-husband as he claimed
–– Decided he must’ve already been punch drunk when he married her.

Michigan Republicans vote to remove chair Kristina Karamo as she promises not to accept result
–– Results disoriented.

Jelly Roll urges Congress to pass anti-fentanyl legislation
–– How about anti-tats, anti-obesity?

Things Have Gotten Pretty Weird With New York’s Mayor
–– Like Addams Family episode.

Inside the Mayor’s Closet
–– Behind skeletons?

Arrests made after clash between Hasidic Jewish worshippers, police over secret tunnel
–– Like Kosher Hamas?

Gavin Newsom slams WSJ on wealth-tax editorial: ‘Shameful’
–– Newsom thing was up.

Park Service retracts decision to take down William Penn statue at Philadelphia historical site
–– Was to be replaced by giant semi-abstract crystals, state renamed Methsylvania.

Mississippi governor, in second inauguration, says he wants young people to stop leaving the state
–– Young people want him to start leaving.

Wayne LaPierre spent millions on trips to Bahamas, private jets and other personal items, AG tells jurors
–– Don't tell us LaPierre wasn’t straight shooter!

US and UK launch strikes against Houthi rebels in Yemen
–– Wish Yemeni happy returns.

Israeli President Isaac Herzog Says Displacing Palestinians ‘Officially and Unequivocally’ Not Israel’s Goal | Video
–– ‘Uh, what’s unequivocally mean again?’

At World Court, Israel to Confront Accusations of Genocide
–– They respond with charges of Hamas lack of diversity.

Russia's Medvedev says any UK troop deployment to Ukraine would be a declaration of war
–– Sure, let’s see Wagner Group storm White Cliffs of Dover.

Kremlin foe Navalny says he's been put in a punishment cell in an Arctic prison colony
–– Putin on ice.

Russia's use of North Korean missiles in Ukraine will help the US figure out how effective they really are
–– Silver lining in cloud of bomb’s smoke.

A Nikon camera could be on board a North Korean spy satellite
–– Kim’s missing one?

Gabriel Attal becomes France’s youngest and first openly gay prime minister
–– Does it matter Attal?

Pakistan’s top court upholds death for late dictator Musharraf
–– No exhumation to issue corpse ruling directly?

Pakistan's former PM Sharif to launch election campaign as front-runner
–– Oh, more Sharif?

Mehdi Hasan Exits MSNBC After Cancelation of His Sunday Show
–– Hasans to exit.

Elon Musk throws more fuel on the racial fire burning down his X advertising revenue by weighing in on diversity debate about Black people’s intelligence
–– Malcontent X.

Golden Globes Host Jo Koy Confronts Bad Reviews, Admits Taylor Swift Joke Was ‘Weird’ and ‘Flat’: ‘I’d Be Lying’ If I Said Backlash ‘Doesn’t Hurt’
–– Koy fishes for compliments.

Why Gillian Anderson and this dress shocked the red carpet at the Golden Globes
–– Slit dress.

Oscars diversity rules are anitsemitic, claim Jewish Hollywood stars
–– Only if you’re also white.

Sally Field reveals Burt Reynolds refused to attend the Oscars with her the year she won
–– Insisted, 'No more Rae.'

’Color Purple’ Struggles at Box Office After Big Christmas Opening
–– Purple as in mourning.

Taraji P. Henson Fought for Drivers to Take ‘Color Purple’ Cast to Set After ‘They Gave Us Rental Cars,’ Told Oprah ‘We Gotta Fix This’ When No Food Was at Rehearsals’
–– Good God, how did they survive?

Taraji P. Henson Is Tired of Fighting
–– We’re tired of hearing about it.

Netflix pulls Indian film after backlash from rightwing Hindu groups
–– Sari situation.

I’m 24 and I Just Watched Pretty Woman for the First Time. These Were My Thoughts
–– If you can call them that.

‘Game of Thrones’ Showrunners Break Silence on Backlash, Why They Turned Down ‘Dragon’ Money
–– They knew they'd screw up another ending.

Bernice King Says Her “Mother Wasn’t a Prop” After Jonathan Majors Compares Girlfriend to Civil Rights Icon
–– More of a jet?

‘Anatomy of a Fall’ Actor Accused of Rape by Crew Member on New Film
–– Was his fall guy.

Food Network Star Darnell Ferguson Arrested on Strangulation and Burglary Charges
–– You don't want him kneading dough.

Natalie Portman says method acting is a ‘luxury that women can’t afford’
–– Maybe she should take out loan.

‘Sopranos’ Cast Reunites in Little Italy for 25th Anniversary
–– Cannoli imagine.

‘Julia’ Canceled After Two Seasons at Max
–– Sent back to kitchen.

Country Singer Chely Wright Calls New York Times Op-Ed Speculating About Taylor Swift’s Sexuality “Upsetting”
–– Ain't Wright.

Riley Keough Admits She's 'Not Much of a Songwriter' and Is Wary of a Music Career — but 'Never Say Never’
–– Never.

‘Luther: Never Too Much’ Director on Tackling Vandross’ Legacy and Struggles in New Doc: “He’s the Soundtrack to America”
–– “But far be it from me to make absolutely asinine claims for the importance of my documentary’s subject.”

Jonathan Majors Dropped From Dennis Rodman Movie After Assault Conviction
–– Conviction's net effect.

Bill Belichick, Patriots to reportedly 'part ways' after 24 seasons, 6 Super Bowl titles
–– Pat response.

Why Bill Belichick Fit In So Well, for So Long, in New England
–– Lotsa grumpy pricks up there.

The End of the Bill Belichick Hoodie Era
–– Yes, NY Times, exactly what all sports fans are thinking.

Aaron Rodgers Appears on ‘Pat McAfee Show’ One Day After Host Said NFL Star Would Not Return Amid Jimmy Kimmel Feud
–– Been inoculated against controversy?

Former gang leader charged in killing of Tupac Shakur is allowed $750K bail and house arrest
–– And right to record rap song bragging about it.

What’s decided and what isn’t on the final Sunday of the NFL regular season
–– So we’re agreed to stop watching weekly brain injury bowl?

Botox Destroyed What I Liked About My Face
–– We can’t tell by expression if you’re serious or not.

Tired of Meditation? Try Looking for Clams.
–– In a steaming bowl of linguini with bottle of chianti.

More Teens Who Use Marijuana Are Suffering From Psychosis
–– Wait, what –– hallucinogens f**k with your head?

When You Return Those Pants, There’s a Price You Don’t See
–– Let your ass look too big, save the planet.

The last Sears in the New York area is closing. Just over a dozen remain in America
–– Seers couldn't have predicted.

Why Does My Sister Want to Be Paid for Being the Executor of My Mother’s Will?
–– Having to deal with bitches like you.

Teen who lost shirt due to hole in plane moved to sit with her. Hear what happened next
–– They already made porno based on this?

‘Welsh Tidy Mouse’ Tidies Tiny Welsh House
–– Adowable.

You Accidentally Left Your Soup Out Overnight. Is It Still Safe To Eat?
–– Mouse seemed to enjoy it.

The Reason Époisses Cheese Is Illegal In The US
–– Epoisons cheese? No wonder!

CosMc’s Breakfast Blows McDonald’s Away
–– Also blows lunch.

Why You Should Think Twice Before Buying Baby Carrots
–– Have to be house trained.

Fruit Stripe gum to be discontinued
–– Having reached goal of rotting teeth.

Maryland hails ‘remarkable’ year for young oysters in the Chesapeake Bay
–– Aw, shucks!

Supreme Court rejects appeal by ex-officer Tou Thao, who held back crowd as George Floyd lay dying
–– Found it not sexy enough.

Mass. woman suspected of poisoning husband with soup after push from soap opera scammer
–– Could’t at least poison bar of soap?

Why Are American Drivers So Deadly?
–– Let’s Google that… oh, shit, an oncoming vehi…!!

Flowers Are Evolving to Have Less Sex
–– Go pluck themselves.

Opinion | I killed a deer in my bathroom
–– Thought it is was a roach.

Smart elk herds careless tourist into his own personal pen at Yellowstone
–– Needed fourth for game of bridge.

World’s Most Poisonous Spider Just Found a Home at Australian Reptile Park
–– Joined staff as webmaster.

‘Toadbusters’ take on exploding cane toad population in Queensland with gloves, bucket and torch
–– And lots of towels to clean up mess explosions make.

Husky escaping pet shelter throws a party for one
–– Needs to watch fattening snacks.

Affectionate Rottweiler Eagerly Cuddling With Her Napping Human Dad Has People Smiling
–– Next pic with half of face in mouth less so.

Adorable but deadly little wildcat may be inbreeding at 'alarming' rates, study finds
–– With your sister!

Why a third of all sharks are swimming toward extinction, despite efforts to save them
–– They’re not too bright.

‘Superstructure’ bigger than Idaho has been growing on the seafloor by Fiji since the dinosaur age
–– You should see size of deep-sea taters.

Newfound T. rex relative was an even bigger apex predator, remarkable skull discovery suggests
–– Did skull discovery write headline?

23 million-year-old petrified mangrove forest discovered hiding in plain sight in Panama
–– Passersby assumed it was maybe 18-20 million-year-old.

Rare skin fossil is oldest by 130 million years
–– Signs deal to appear in Gold Bond ad.

Archaeologists unearth 4500-year-old Ancient Egyptian tomb
–– Ankhs-ridden.

Two Golden Tongues Discovered In Mummies Buried In Ancient Egyptian Town
–– Gals had smiles on face.

The Biggest Ape That Ever Lived Was Not Too Big to Fail
–– But too small to admit it.

After part of a plane’s wall blew out, feds ground some Boeings
–– And take away crash privileges.

What happened on the Alaska Airlines flight after the door plug blew out?
–– Several anal plugs did same.

Vulcan Rocket Prepares for First Launch of Moon Lander Mission
–– Live long and prosp… oops. See below.

Navajo Nation’s objection to landing human remains on the moon prompts last-minute White House meeting
–– Turns out they had nothing to worry about. See below.

Astrobotic lunar lander carrying NASA science, human remains has ‘anomaly’ en route to the moon
–– Was feeling peckish?

Peregrine mission abandons moon landing attempt after suffering ‘critical’ fuel loss
–– A disaster? Abso-falcon-lutely!

Planet’s most abnormally cold air to surge into Lower 48 states
–– This week in meteorological doomcasting.

Bottled water contains thousands of nanoplastics so small they can invade the body’s cells, study says
–– And tap water forever chemicals that can make offspring grow third leg.

Mets Hall of Famer Bud Harrelson dies at 79
–– Suffers short stop.