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Almost Defame Us
Week of 01/19/24

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Photo-illustration spoof of an advertisement for Ally McBeal with the title character replaced by Trump defense attorney Alina Habba and  renamed Ally McBile. Standing beside her is the animated Dancing Baby from the show with Trump's head. The ad copy reads 'Habba-Habba -- She's One Kooky Law Bunny!' and 'The Laughs Will All Rise When She Pleads for Defame & Fortune!"Judge Unleashes on Trump’s Lawyer in Testy Exchange During Carroll Case
–– Habba-dabba-doo.

Sheryl Sandberg to leave Meta board
–– Sandbagged.

Judge Threatens To Remove Donald Trump From Courtroom During E. Jean Carroll Damages Trial
–– Has two burly Teamsters with hand truck standing by.

Trump lawyer Tacopina withdraws from Manhattan legal team
–– Maybe only just as stupid as he looks.

5 Takeaways From Trump’s Runaway Victory in the Iowa Caucuses
–– 1. All hope lost.

Opinion The last remnants of the Republican Party died in Iowa
–– Kool-aid replaced with straight rat poison.

Judge in Trump Georgia case orders hearing on Fani Willis misconduct claims
–– Shakes Fani.

Fani Willis accuses wife of special prosecutor of interference in Trump case
–– In latest episode of Real Prosecutors of Atlanta.

Judge hints that Trump’s election interference trial might be delayed
–– Talk about delayed gratification.

McConnell, Republican lawmakers sign Supreme Court brief that supports Trump remaining on 2024 ballot
–– So-called Suicide Pact Act.

A warning from Trump to the Supreme Court if he's not on Colorado ballot: 'chaos, bedlam’
–– Or business as usual.

America Stares Down a Trump-Biden Repeat in Disbelief and Denial
–– And dyspepsia and despair.

Jamie Dimon: Trump was right about key issues and bashing MAGA will hurt Biden
–– Dimon dog.

Nikki Haley Is Chasing Independents. They Have a Mind of Their Own.
–– And she's not too quick.

DeSantis faces a bleak path ahead as he shifts resources to S.C.
–– Rest of life with self.

Vivek Ramaswamy drops out of 2024 presidential race, endorses this candidate
–– Let's see if we can guess… is he old, traitorous, orange?

Hutchinson suspends presidential campaign
–– One already hanging by thread?

Civil War talk in presidential contest reveals fresh divisions on race
–– For the purposes of this piece.

Susquehanna Founder Gives Record $6 Million to Greg Abbott
–– Aiding and Abbotting.

Trump Back in White House? Lagarde Says ‘Let Me Have Some Coffee’
–– ‘Laced with strychnine.’

US Supreme Court sidesteps fight over transgender student bathroom access
–– Stalls out.

The pressure is building on Netanyahu over hostages – his only option is an ‘all for all’ deal
–– Prefers 'Musketeers' alternative.

Israel Unearths More of a Subterranean Fortress Under Gaza
–– Rats had plush holes.

Gaza's oldest mosque, destroyed in an airstrike, was once a temple to Philistine and Roman gods, a Byzantine and Catholic church, and had engravings of Jewish ritual objects
–– And what were former lives of human casulaties?

Blinken says Arab countries not keen to rebuild Gaza if it will be 'leveled' again
–– Not even tent cities?

The ruling-party candidate strongly opposed by China wins Taiwan's presidential election
–– Has Taipei personality.

China Told Women to Have Babies, but Its Population Shrank Again
–– Because there's nothing sexier than Party directive.

North Korea tests ‘underwater nuclear weapon system’
–– Kim fears Aquaman threat.

Pakistan’s ex-Prime Minister Imran Khan indicted on charge of violating marriage law
–– Would've done better jealously killing wife.

Modi's promised Ram temple is set to open and resonate with Hindus ahead of India's election
–– Ram down Muslims throats.

Brunei’s ‘Hot’ Prince Marries Commoner in Grandiose 10-Day Royal Wedding Ceremony
–– Deemed ‘hot’ because he stole everything in sight.

’Jobs may disappear’: Nearly 40% of global employment could be disrupted by AI, IMF says
–– But think of all the content AI will create to entertain jobless.

Baltimore Sun’s New Right-Wing Owner Kicks Things Off by Insulting Everyone on Staff
–– Setting Sun.

Business Insider stands by reporting on Bill Ackman’s wife, Neri Oxman, says stories ‘are accurate’ with ‘no unfair bias’
–– Like 'ack', man.

“The Jeffersons ”Star Marla Gibbs Wows on the Emmys Red Carpet at Age 92!
–– Attendants clean up.

Joan Collins Pulls Off Her Signature Bold Lip at 90 (Yes, 90!) on Emmys Red Carpet — and We Are Obsessed
–– She put them back on for show.

Aubrey Plaza Looked Like a Beautiful Pin Cushion at the 2024 Emmys
–– Has writer never seen pin cushion?

Celebs Were 'Revolted' By The Food At The Critics' Choice Awards, Including 'Pizza In A Bag’
–– Vegetarian alternative left out rat.

Critics Choice Awards Host Chelsea Handler Takes a Jab at Golden Globes Host Jo Koy
–– Low Jo blow.

‘The Brothers Sun’ Co-Creator on Subverting Asian Male Stereotypes and Why Michelle Yeoh Has Limited Fight Scenes
–– She’s 61, let her rest.

‘Succession’ Star Sarah Snook Says a Film Producer Told Her to Stop Eating Cake
–– Wanted to take Shiv to him.

Supermodel Beverly Johnson admits she used cocaine to stay thin, ate just a bowl of rice and two eggs a week
–– Ostrich eggs, but still…

Arnold Schwarzenegger held at Munich airport after failing to declare expensive watch
–– Did time?

Tatiana Maslany says She-Hulk: Attorney At Law has likely been thrown out of court
–– Viewers charged with contempt.

Pauly Shore to Play Richard Simmons in Feature
–– Thanks for warning.

Kelly Osbourne calls her remarks about Trump and Latinos the 'worst thing I've ever done’
–– Kelly, dear, this might be moment for honest self-reflection.

Greg Daniels Inching Closer to New Take on ‘The Office’
–– Fire away.

When Superman and Batman Copyrights Expire in a Decade, Will It Be Kryptonite for DC?
–– Kal-el the franchise?

Snoop Dogg turned down $100M OnlyFans deal: My wife won't let me 'pull that thang out’
–– His meat blunt?

CBS’ Taylor Tomlinson Late Night Series ‘After Midnight’ Premieres: ‘It’s Gonna Be Fun, Right?’
–– Only if every other form of comedic entertainment disappears.

‘Supersex’ Trailer: Netflix Series About Porn Star Rocco Siffredi Teases Steamy Scenes
–– Nutflix.

Is It Now Full Steam Ahead for Small Businesses to Use Mickey Mouse?
–– Willy or won't he?

Thomas Keneally: ‘When I met Barbara Kingsolver I burst into geriatric tears’
–– ‘You should’ve seen her outfit!’

With Kate, Charles and William out of action, Queen Camilla left to front the family
–– First decree: 'Horse jokes shall be punished by death.'

Prince Harry drops libel case against Daily Mail after damaging pretrial ruling
–– Promises to keep whining about his victimhood.

Queen Elizabeth II Reportedly Furious Over Harry and Meghan Naming Debacle
–– From beyond grave?

Why did the Philadelphia Eagles collapse? The roster isn't as talented as we all thought
–– Aerie coincidence.

Knicks owner James Dolan accused of sexual assault in lawsuit
–– Knickers in a twist.

Report: Colts’ Jim Irsay was found ‘unresponsive’ in home last month
–– Irsay evidence.

Bill Belichick's hidden playbook – the 19th century origins of 'The Patriot Way’
–– Says here ‘hire Tom Brady.’

NBA player Josh Giddey won’t face charges following investigation into alleged relationship with a minor
–– And yes, he’s feeling giddy.

Apparently it’s now acceptable to storm the court against the No. 11 team in the country
–– Don’t wanna get stormed? Make it to top 10.

Sports Illustrated’s publisher lays off most of its staff, union says
–– Will rename Sport Illustrated, exclusively cover dog racing.

Was This Man’s Weakness Related to Recent Oral Surgery?
–– And clamp doctor left in mouth?

At 93, he’s as fit as a 40-year-old. His body offers lessons on aging.
–– Don’t even bother reading, you lazy bastard.

Softball-sized hole found in Atlas Airline flight out of Miami
–– In head of short stop on board!

How Sweden Quit Smoking Without Quitting Nicotine
–– Total snusfest.

How Much Water Do I Need to Drink
–– How many effing articles do we have to read asking same stupid question?

BodyArmor thinks eliminating this one ingredient will help it topple Gatorade
–– Cat urine.

Rusty Nail: The 2-Ingredient Cocktail Beloved By Frank Sinatra
–– Reminded him of what he had thug drive into punk’s skull.

‘There won’t be any beer come March’: US Anheuser-Busch workers threaten strike
–– There isn’t any beer in Bud Light cans now.

14 False Facts About Canned Beans You Thought Were True
–– 11. Not ‘good for your heart.’

The Type Of Oil You Should Usually Avoid When Frying Eggs
–– 10W-30.

America’s Best Champagne Restaurant Is a Fried Chicken Joint
–– ‘Joint’ where ‘bucket’ costs $38 per person.

Burger King owner will buy out its biggest franchisee in US for about $1 billion
–– Designate franchisees Burger Serfs.

An American tourist ordered a medium-done burger in Toronto and was shocked when they had to sign a waiver
–– Rare occurence.

In the Ozempic Age, Has ‘Craveable’ Lost Its Selling Power?
–– Ads to stress food products ‘taste like cardboard.’

Dave Ramsey: If You’re Asking This Question When Buying a Car, You’ll Likely Stay Poor
–– ‘Can you spare a quarter?’

Your New $3,000 Couch Might Be Garbage in Three Years. This Is Why.
–– Brother-in-law sleeping on it.

Should you change clothes when you get home? These people say yes.
–– These people work in slaughterhouse.

This mother-in-law’s outrageous request went viral. Why 'grandmas' are rejecting that title.
–– Want to be called 'sagalicious.'

First Known Piece of Mail Sent Using a Stamp Goes to Auction
–– Sotheby’s still awaiting delivery.

Venice entry fee tickets go on sale. Here’s how they work
–– Buy, present, enter.

EBay to pay $3 million after employees sent live spiders, funeral wreath and fetal pig to critics
–– Got them from own site.

Woman Says She Got Diarrhea for Life After ‘Bowel Injury’ From Ozempic
–– You’re not supposed to inject box rectally.

UC Irvine Students Hospitalized After Hackers Sent Disgusting Images to Their Discord Server
–– Hospitalized? America's Greatest Generation redux.

North Carolina police chief ousted after asking captain's wife for nude photos: report
–– C’mon, he was just investigatin'…

L.A. County to pay $1.75 million to woman who alleged illegal cavity searches by sheriff's deputies
–– Digital display.

‘Carry-on luggage with multiple firearms': TSA official describes what he's seen at airport security checkpoints
–– And let through for heck of it.

Gilgo Beach Serial-Murder Case Hangs on a Single Strand of Hair
–– Don't have to get snippy about it.

Judge denies motion to dismiss charges against ex-Marine in Jordan Neely NY subway killing
–– In for a Penny, in for a pounding.

Heather Mack sentenced to 26 years in federal prison for mother’s coarse Bali ‘suitcase’ murder
–– New definition of 'coarse': bludgeon mom to death, shove in valise.

Anti-Trafficking Crusader Tim Ballard Faces 4 New Sexual Assault Charges
–– C’mon, he was just investigatin'…

10,000-Year-Old Chewing Gum Reveals Stone Age Diet And Poor Oral Health
–– And pretty funny Bazooka Joe comic.

1,000-year-old cemetery with dead wearing dramatic rings on their necks and buckets on their feet found in Ukraine
–– Shouldn't that be 'comical buckets on their feet'?

Archaeologists discover intact medieval gauntlet at Kyburg Castle
–– Throw it down.

Stone balls worshiped in India revealed to be dinosaur eggs
–– Were nicknamed Rama's Nads.

New cloned monkey species highlights limits of cloning
–– Zero fun in barrel.

Cicadas will emerge together for the first time in over 200 years
–– On Still Chirpin’ After All These Years Tour.

Strange Mutations in Wild Dogs Near Chernobyl Suggest They Are Rapidly Evolving
–– Researchers provide video evidence.

He’s 17, missing teeth and lost his owner. Now, Teddy has a new home.
–– Guarding dentist's office!

‘The pigs have disappeared’: swine fever threatens food source for millions as disease hits wild herds
–– But stink lives on.

Why small, scary, and 'non-charismatic' lost species are harder to rediscover
–– Sometimes you forget you even met them.

Traps Scented Like Mink Butts Could Be Key to Removing the Invasive Species From the U.K.
–– We might lose some fur fetishists along way.

These goats are so exhausted by heat that they’d rather risk the wolves at night, study shows
–– And that’s verbatim quote.

Crippled Peregrine moon lander expected to crash to Earth today carrying human remains
–– Remains to be seen.

'If it had had a payload, it would have made it to orbit.' Elon Musk reveals cause of Starship explosion (video)
–– Load of an excuse.

New EPA rule could save 4,200 lives a year. Industry warns it could cost Biden his reelection.
–– Could also produce thousands of other speculative results.

Climate change terrifies the ski industry. Here's what could happen in a warming world.
–– Let’s guess: um, less snow?

Genetic sequence of coronavirus was submitted to US database two weeks before China’s official disclosure, documents show
–– We hope you're not suggesting China snuck virus by us?

Joyce Randolph, Trixie on ‘The Honeymooners,’ Dies at 99
–– Turn Trixie.

Lynne Marta, Actress in ‘Joe Kidd,’ ‘Footloose’ and ‘Love, American Style,’ Dies at 78
–– Kidd thee not.

Tom Shales, Pulitzer-winning TV critic of fine-tuned wit, dies at 79
–– Closeout Shales.