Donkey Punch
Week of 06/28/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
’10 minutes to destroy a presidency’: how US and global media reviewed the Biden-Trump debate
–– Two thumbs down throat.
Democratic Donors’ Big Question: What’s Plan B?
–– Time to abort?
Biden-Trump CNN Presidential Debate Watched by More Than 51 Million Viewers Across 17 Networks, According to Nielsen (UPDATED)
–– Lies and Whispers.
Jon Stewart Blasts Biden and Trump's Incoherent Presidential Debate: 'Both of These Men Should Be Using Performance-Enhancing Drugs'
–– PEDantry.
Biden calls Trump a ‘lying, dog-faced pony soldier’ after debate, reviving slur he used against voter
–– Or lying pony-faced dog soldier. Whichever.
California Gov. Newsom says he would "never turn my back" on Biden after debate performance draws scrutiny
–– Afraid he might be stabbed when he tries to steal nomination.
Supreme Court rules in favor of Jan. 6 rioters in obstruction case
–– Alito attaches mash note from wife to opinion.
Supreme Court blocks controversial Purdue Pharma opioid settlement
–– Won't oxycondone.
Supreme Court Upholds Ban on Sleeping Outdoors in Homelessness Case
–– Justice Thomas recommends camping trips for unhoused.
Supreme Court overturns 1984 Chevron precedent, curbing power of federal government
–– Court gassed.
Opinion In 1858, Lincoln made a mistake. President Biden, don’t make the same one.
–– And remember how he lost election. Oh right, was bullet, not ballot.
What Joe Biden Could Learn From Betty White About Aging in Public
–– More sex jokes.
Judge partly lifts gag order in Donald Trump’s hush money case
–– Exposes canines.
Trump is still courting coal workers. This county shows why it matters.
–– Has lump in pants.
Marco Rubio’s eight-year evolution on Donald Trump: From opponent to VP hopeful
–– In latest slang for disgrace.
Monica Lewinsky says Judge Cannon should be impeached
–– Cannon fired?
Abortion Debate Shifts as Election Nears: ‘Now It’s About Pregnancy’
–– Was it about indigestion before?
Texas' anti-abortion heartbeat law aimed to save babies, but more infants died.
–– Skipped a beat.
Gun violence is getting worse. Can a shift in perspective be the solution?
–– Yeah, look at lying flat behind rock.
‘Intense phase of war with Hamas about to end,’ focus to shift to Lebanon border, Netanyahu says
–– Vows to lob bombs.
Israel-Hamas war protests have disrupted Pride marches across the U.S.
–– From the LGBT to the Q.
NATO Will Offer Ukraine a ‘Bridge’ to Membership, Hoping That’s Enough
–– Have got some spannin' to do.
Iran’s Onerous Hijab Law for Women Is Now a Campaign Issue
–– Finally running in 19th-century.
Barack Obama's sister speaks to CNN after getting tear gassed during Nairobi protest
–– Kenya understand her?
Campaign to decriminalise suicide in four Caribbean nations gains momentum
–– Can’t they encourage it?
‘Freaky Friday 2’ Set for Theaters in 2025; Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis Reunite in Behind-the-Scenes Look as Filming Kicks Off
–– Will almost-middle aged/senior citizen play as cute?
Katy Perry wears barely-there cutout dress for Vogue World: Paris
–– Matches vocal talent.
Katy Perry Wore Ripped Tights and No Top to the Balenciaga Couture Show
–– Almost in Roar.
Gigi Hadid and Kendall Jenner Ride Horses Through the Streets of Paris for Vogue World — Watch!
–– Buck ‘em.
Kendall Jenner Walks Barefoot Around the Louvre (No, Really) in the Dreamiest Date-Night Dress
–– Barefoot? The Louvre?! Incroyable!!!
Shailene Woodley Isn’t Worried About the Planet. She’s Worried About You.
–– Howzabout she worries about acting lessons?
New Deadpool And Wolverine Poster Includes An Absolutely Disgusting Reference If You Look Closely
–– Deadpoo.
Head of France’s cinema agency sentenced to three years for sexual assault of godson
–– The Godfather Part Eww.
Sean Penn Says He ‘Went 15 Years Miserable on Sets’ After ‘Milk’ and Could Not Play Gay Role Today Due to a ‘Timid and Artless Policy Toward the Human Imagination’
–– After Milk, soured.
Dick Van Dyke on Ageist Knocks Against Joe Biden: “I’ve Got All My Marbles, and I’m Old Enough to Be His Father”
–– ‘And I could bang Jill as we speak.’
Jerry Seinfeld Shuts Down More Pro-Palestine Hecklers During Set in Australia: You ‘Just Gave More Money to a Jew’
–– Heckle and jackal.
Will Smith doesn't need a redemption tour
–– Public loves thugs.
Céline Dion suffers 'unimaginable' medical crisis on camera: Her doctor explains what happened
–– It’s OK, we can imagine.
Eddie Murphy says the ‘Beverly Hills Cop’ movies are among his most important work. Here’s why
–– Um, how big is that i?
Jared Padalecki Says He Struggled With Suicidal Ideation at Height of ‘Supernatural’ Success
–– Is that like poltergeist?
Scream Queen Lupita Nyong'o names A Beautiful Mind as the scariest movie on Hot Ones
–– Even scarier than Crowe's The Exorcism?
Jeremy Renner Says 'Avengers' Cast Love Is Real and 'Not Just For Instagram. We F—ing Hate That S—': I'd Rather 'Go to Jail With Downey Jr. Than Do Something Amazing by Myself'
–– 'I mean, I'd rather be his jailhouse bottom than an arthouse top!'
Queer creator of ‘gayest’ Star Wars series claps back at haters who claim it’s ‘woke’ propaganda with ‘lesbian space witches’
–– Jedi minge trick.
Scarlett Johansson Calls 'Jurassic World 4' Script 'Incredible'; She's Wanted to Join the Franchise for Over 10 Years, Even If It Meant Dying 'in the First Five Minutes!'
–– Couldn’t wait for premise to be totally played out.
Paul Walter Hauser Says It's a 'Blast' to Reveal Actors Who 'Mistreat People' as He Calls Out Vin Diesel
–– Hoser?
Bob Weir Says Dead & Company at Sphere Is ‘Like Opera,’ and He Hopes Band Will Return With Even More Mind-Blowing Tech: ‘We’re Only Scratching the Surface Here’ (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Yeah, overlong, bombastic, incomprehensible.
Foo Fighters’ Dave Grohl Seemingly Mocks Taylor Swift at Band’s London Concert: ‘We Actually Play Live’
–– Didn’t add, ‘sorta decent songs?’
Beethoven was a classical and romantic composer, but his body was full of heavy metal
–– Not more like Lead Zeppelin?
'Price is Right' host Drew Carey says contestants are often drunk or high while on stage: 'It's not unusual'
–– 'I deal to them.'
Gabbi Tuft, First Openly Trans Former W.W.E. Star, Returns to Wrestling
–– Tuft luck.
Jonathan Van Ness Was “Walking on Eggshells” Waiting for ‘Queer Eye’ Exposé to Drop
–– Louche Ness monster.
Suzy Eddie Izzard shows off toned legs in a pair of tiny denim shorts
–– Daisy pukes.
Tom Hanks and Robin Wright Are De-Aged by Decades in ‘Here’ First Look Photos; Robert Zemeckis Reveals the Camera Never Moves in 104-Minute Film
–– His films never move.
Happy 100th birthday, Eva Marie Saint! Her best films – ranked
–– Saint's alive?
Actor Anthony Mackie and marine biologist Jasmin Graham talk sharks
–– Don’t makos laugh.
Travis Kelce Says Prince William Was “The Coolest Motherf***er” at London Eras Tour Meet-Up
–– Must been room full of real playahs.
Officially Stepping in for Prince William Could Be Sending a Major Message
–– Crown thinks subjects amused by idiotic hats.
'Poop protest' and other issues face 2024 Paris Olympic Games
–– Totally in Seine.
Warren Buffett believes the vast wealth gap in America is due to 1 'inevitable consequence'
–– ‘We robbed the dumb bastards blind! No, no, I mean, of a market economy.’
National Cathedral’s dying pipe organ is getting a $14.5 million renovation
–– Organ transplant?
How a 1933 Book About Jews in Magic Was Rescued From Oblivion
–– Almost went ‘poof’?
Grace Coddington on the Secrets of Reinventing Yourself
–– Could you became someone we never hear from again?
Washington Post’s editor drama only exposes its lack of ‘ethics’ after debasing Trump for years
–– This editorial only exposes NY Post’s lack of ‘sanity’ after enabling Trump for years.
A.I. Is Getting Better Fast. Can You Tell What’s Real Now?
–– Looks like it’s still writing stupid headlines.
Peter Thiel supported Elon’s X as an ideological project but worries about it as a ‘financial thing’
–– Thiel the deal.
Walgreens will close a significant number of US stores, shutting down many unprofitable locations
–– Down on the pharma.
I've been living off the grid on a remote tropical island for 3 years — this is the worst part
–– Us hearing from you.
Millions of Women Have Them. They’ve Radically Improved. Why Do Many of Us Understand So Shockingly Little About How They Work?
–– C’mon, don’t be coy –– say dildo if you mean dil… an IUD?
Dear Therapist: I’m the Golden Child, and My Siblings Resent Me for It
–– Well, it was awful movie.
I just found out who my real father is. What do I do now?
–– Take a number.
Boys Are Struggling. Male Kindergarten Teachers Are Here to Help.
–– Not as career models.
How to lift and carry heavy things without getting injured
–– Let other guy do it.
Are white noise machines bad? Here’s what the latest science says.
–– They lack ‘soul.’
Is It OK to Secretly Medicate Your Manic Husband?
–– If alternative is murder.
‘Too many old people’: A rural Pa. town reckons with population loss
–– It’s rural Pa., there are plenty of guns.
Sinkhole swallows soccer field in Illinois in shocking video
–– Wait for belch.
McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish Just Got Even More Convenient
–– Comes with nautically-themed barf bag.
McDonald’s Fans ‘Going to Lose it’ Over New Milkshake Flavor That ‘Tastes Like Summer’
–– Sandy McKelp.
Not lovin' it: McDonald's McPlant burger failed, customers shunned non-meat option
–– Wasn’t clogging arteries quick enough.
How To Properly Clean Your Pizza Stone
–– Whosoever may remove the sauce from the stone…
Prosecutors recommend DOJ charge Boeing over 737 Max crashes, sources say
–– Will get off with flight sentence?
She's fighting to stop the brain disease that killed her mother before it gets her.
–– Good luck!
Wife Recalls Being Electrocuted with Husband in Hot Tub — and the Moment She Heard He ‘Didn’t Make It’
–– Came up short.
Robert Crimo III, accused in July 4th parade mass shooting, backs out of plea deal in court hearing
–– Crimo chicken.
Texas court exonerates man who spent nearly 20 years on death row for 1977 murder
–– And he’s white, death penalty lovers.
He flipped off a trooper and got charged. Now Vermont is on the hook for $175,000
–– Smile at the birdie.
What we can learn from a sea creature orgy
–– There are actually things less erotic than Kardashian sex tape.
3 Fireworks-Related Injuries That Land People In The Emergency Room
–– Aren’t there at least 10 for each finger you can blow off?
How to keep your dog or cat calm during Fourth of July fireworks noise
–– Aim rockets away from them.
Dogs forced to walk on dangerously hot fake lawns during heatwaves, finds new study
–– Should only play on natural grass.
‘We fell in love with her face’: Scotland’s loneliest dog finds a home
–– ‘So we cut off head and mounted on wall.’
Unlikely Wild Animals Are Being Smuggled Into U.S. Ports: Corals
–– But they won’t get far on foot.
Comb jellies won’t give into the extreme pressures of deep-sea life
–– Won't take part.
A Woman Thrifted This Ancient Maya Vase for $3.99—and Then Gave It Back to Mexico
–– They caught her thrift.
Ancient bone shows how Neanderthals cared for the vulnerable, study says
–– Sure, one fossilized ear bone from 40,000 years ago could do that.
Archaeologist claims lesbianism was accepted in ancient Egypt
–– Mummy queerest.
NASA is paying SpaceX to destroy the International Space Station
–– Sending up Musk with sledge hammer.
Pollution from Ohio train derailment reached 110 million Americans
–– State's greatest contribution to nation.
Why Mount Rainier is the US volcano keeping scientists up at night
–– Pretty darn noisy.
The Island Known as the Birthplace of Apollo Is Sinking
–– What’s Delos with that?
We’ve been accidentally cooling the planet — and it’s about to stop
–– OK, we’re flummoxed –– mission accomplished.
Right-wing shift may slow, not reverse climate action
–– Reassuring to know help may eventually be on way when drowning.
Dangerous heat is shifting this week. Here’s where it will go next
–– We caught glimpse of its GPS.
Why Mexico City is worried about Day Zero
–– Has dry heaves?
Why water is the best drink during a heat wave
–– Hoping they’d say vodka?
Seth Binzer, lead singer for Crazy Town who was known as ‘Shifty Shellshock,’ dead at 49
–– We’re only memorializing nickname.
Kinky Friedman, Provocative Musician, Author and One-Time Politician, Dies at 79
–– Kinky boot.
Martin Mull, Comic Actor in ‘Fernwood 2 Night,’ ‘Clue,’ ‘Arrested Development,’ Dies at 80
–– Mull and void.
