Cynic Boom
Week of 04/05/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Job growth zoomed in March as payrolls jumped by 303,000 and unemployment dropped to 3.8%
–– So Biden approval rating dropped how much?
Why Are Older Americans Drinking So Much?
–– Look around you, genius.
Biden to Make Second Attempt at Large-Scale Student Loan Forgiveness
–– Don’t you just hate presidents who try to help non-megadonors?
GOP Rep. Bacon Admits ‘No Evidence’ of Crimes Found in Biden Impeachment Prob
–– All shit, Sherlock.
Donald Trump Puts Outrageous Condition On Potential Debate With Joe Biden
–– His mouth open whole time.
'Grifter' Lara Trump Ripped Over Desperate Plea For Cash From Poorest Supporters
–– Bum roll, please.
In civil fraud case, Donald Trump submits corrected bond following rejection by N.Y. courts
–– Tried to get away endorsing as John Barron.
Trump posts $175M bond to keep N.Y. authorities from seizing property
–– Justice is blind to our need for pleasure.
Trump Posts $175 Million Bond Thanks To Billionaire Don Hankey
–– Waived Hankey.
“Things just got very real”: Legal experts say Jack Smith appeal threat “puts Cannon on notice”
–– Cannon backfires.
Trump Media auditor warns that losses 'raise substantial doubt' about company's ability to continue
–– How did they miss April Fools as first day on NASDAQ?
Trump Media Shares Slump as Early Fervor Fades
–– Fever bitched.
Why Trump's alarmist message on immigration may be resonating beyond his base
–– Lots of empty, echoey skulls.
Virginia Democrat slams proposal to name airport after Trump: ‘I’d suggest they find a federal prison’
–– And they did.
Mitch McConnell says he’ll serve out Senate term, warns US in ‘most dangerous time’ since Cold War
–– Confirms he believes it’s 1972.
Former House Speaker launches campaign to unseat lawmakers who removed him
–– Revenge of the Shit.
Supreme Court abortion case brings 19th century chastity law to the forefront
–– Chastity pro bono.
Opinion | ‘DEI mayor’ insults prove that unapologetic racism is back
–– Unapologetic, but still sorry.
Rep. Lauren Boebert underwent emergency surgery to remove blood clot in her leg
–– Doctors leave clod in head.
You’ll Never Guess What RFK Jr. Says Really Causes Mass Shootings
–– If it's not vaccines, we're not interested.
Dozens of migrants unexpectedly flown to Martha’s Vineyard can sue the transport company, federal judge rules
–– Transport company offers $5 Black Dog gift certificates in compensation.
Mayor Eric Adams addresses bill to change NYC squatter’s rights
–– So he was doing squat all these months.
Abbott responds to NYC mayor’s invitation to spend the night in a migrant shelter
–– Will only do if he can bring goon squad to rough up 'illegals.'
IDF says aid convoy attack was ‘serious violation’ of procedures
–– Must be deep comfort to victims’ families.
Joe Biden to Confront Binyamin Netanyahu over Gaza aid convoy attack
–– Will threaten to suspend free shipping on war planes.
Michigan GOP Congressman Suggests Using Nuclear Strikes Like ‘Hiroshima’ in Gaza
–– Little Boy blew?
Watch: Swastikas ‘need to be taken in context’, Met officer tells Jewish woman
–– So she's victim of circumstance?
Russia: US shares blame in a concert hall attack claimed by Islamic militants
–– Also 19th-century Crimean War, 5th-century invasion of Huns.
Taiwan rocked by 7.4 magnitude earthquake, leaving at least 9 dead and nearly 1,000 injured. What to know.
–– That’s not it?
‘Game of Thrones’ Showrunners Reveal Their Favorite Deaths of the Series
–– Last season when they killed series?
Hannah Waddingham Says ‘Horrific’ Waterboarding on ‘Game of Thrones’ Led to ‘Chronic Claustrophobia’: ‘I Wasn’t Expecting’ That
–– Washed out.
What Cary Grant Told Me About Getting Dressed. I’ve Never Forgotten It.
–– ‘Zip up, old man.’
Christian Combs, Diddy’s Son, Accused Of Sexually Assaulting And Drugging Woman In Looming Lawsuit
–– Didn’t know he was weaver.
Lizzo Clarifies She’s Not Quitting Music: “I Quit Giving Any Negative Energy Attention”
–– Quit pro quote.
Jimmy Kimmel Calls USA ‘A Filthy and Disgusting Country’ After Trip to Japan: ‘The Whole Country Is Disneyland and We’re Living in Six Flags’ | Video
–– Hoity toity.
Kid Rock Appears Confused, Drink in Hand, When Asked Why He’s Wearing a Budweiser Hat on Fox News | Video
–– When does he not appear confused?
Chelsea Green Claims She Was Kicked Out Of NYC Hotel After Being Mistaken For An Escort
–– Escorts duly offended.
Cillian Murphy Reveals Post-Oscar Project: New Versace Icons Campaign With Anne Hathaway
–– Wants to really stretch acting muscle.
Warren Beatty ‘Doesn’t Want to Be Seen in Public’ Amid Private Health Battle
–– All fall down.
Bob Iger Thinks “Woke Disney” Critics Don’t Even Know What “Woke” Means
–– His execs clearly do.
A billionaire helped bring ‘3-Body Problem’ to Netflix. His business partner ensured he never lived to see its premiere
–– He should’ve offed series.
Steve-O Says He Asked Bill Maher Not to Smoke During Interview Due to His 16 Years of Sobriety, Claims Maher Refused and Called It a ‘Dealbreaker’
–– Think about him doing those stunts sober.
‘Quiet on Set’ Directors Return With Bonus Episode and Reveal Their Cameras Are Still Rolling
–– And want us to turn off?
Martin Short to Be Inaugurated as Mayor of Funner, California
–– Declares Funyuns town fruit.
‘Reacher’ Star Alan Ritchson Says He Quit the Modeling Industry After Being Sexually Assaulted
–– Reacher round?
Ricky Martin on His Return to TV in ‘Palm Royale’: “I’d Be Stupid to Say No”
–– ‘So I said no, but my agent overruled me.’
GloRilla Tears Up Listening to Surprise Message From Her 'Extremely Proud' Dad
–– Magilla.
Shakira Says She and Her Sons Found ‘Barbie’ “Emasculating”
–– Spanish-speaking version included comic ‘Barbie as urologist’ sub-plot.
'Sopranos' star Drea de Matteo told son he wouldn't have nice 's - - t' if she didn’t 'show my ass' on OnlyFans
–– It’s really sweet story when you know he’s 12.
Kristen Stewart Admits She "Crashed and Burned and Barreled" Through Her 'Twilight' Era
–– Are those words all slang for ‘stumbled?’
The Matrix 5 Has Nowhere to Go But Down
–– After Resurrections does that mean underground?
Danny McBride Accidentally Heard Robert Downey Jr. Going to Pee While in Character on 'Tropic Thunder' Set: 'He Was Talking to Himself’
–– Stream of consciousness?
LSU’s Kim Mulkey, Angel Reese reveal what they told Iowa's Caitlin Clark after Elite Eight loss
–– Mul-ar-key.
Twins nearly lose Byron Buxton to Milwaukee sausage collision
–– Wurst case scenario.
Elizabeth Hurley Finally Addressed Rumors She Took Prince Harry's Virginity
–– ‘Took it? I couldn’t even find it!’
King Charles, Hoping to Reassure Public, Attends Easter Service
–– Crown with bunny ears deemed ‘less than reassuring.’
Opinion: This Easter, reflect on how your Bible came into being
–– Not sure where it was printed or who put it in drawer of hotel night stand.
Ready or not, self-driving semi-trucks are coming to America’s highways
–– Gangway!
The end of 6% real estate commissions could result in 'numerous and significant' repercussions, expert warns
–– To greedy agents’ bank accounts.
Some Colleges Will Soon Charge $100,000 a Year. How Did This Happen?
–– Ask idiots applying.
When surgery was a public spectacle
–– This week on endless medical TV shows.
They met hiking Machu Picchu but didn’t swap details and never expected to meet up again. That’s not how it worked out
–– They met again, swapped details!
Disillusioned with life in the US, she moved to Mexico seven years ago. Here’s how it completely changed her life
–– And enhanced all Americans’.
Alabama murderer gives up appeals and asks to be executed so that victims’ families have ‘justice’
–– Oh, that Dear man.
Virginia au pair murder: Fetish plot, affair, gun range tied to double homicide at home, prosecutors say
–– Nice try, Fox News, but we pass.
Orlando city commissioner charged, accused of using 96-year-old's money on personal expenses
–– Employed nana tech.
A millennial forged his mom's signature and sold her Rolls-Royce to pay off debts racked up on nightclub dancers
–– How he Rolls.
Drunk Florida man beaten after making fun of guest with Down syndrome at Disney World resort bar: police
–– Goofy takes Down.
Man on drugs warns he may act ‘out of line’ at BBQ, then kills guest, Texas cops say
–– Ribs rub-out.
Woman Accused of Smashing Car Windshields With Brick
–– Wasn't AC working?
Hearing postponed for man accused of taking leg from crash scene
–– Takes in stride.
What to know about the false pedophile claims made against 'Game of Thrones' star Joseph Gatt, as actor sues LA for $40 million
–– Just kidding.
Arkansas mom arrested after 7-year-old son found walking 8 miles to school, reports say
–– Yeah, shouldn’t be more than mile per year.
Canada: Indigenous fishermen left to walk shoeless after officers seized boots
–– Dumb waders.
Pilot in fatal hot air balloon crash in Arizona had elevated levels of ketamine in his system, report finds
–– Didn’t stay high.
Florida airboat flips sending 9 passengers into gator-infested waters, operator arrested
–– Story lacks snap.
Captain of Holland America ship wept said cruise passengers when he announced 2 crew members died on board in an 'accidental steam release’
–– Not in spa we hope.
Taylor Swift fan sues Delta Air Lines after being sexually assaulted by mechanic on flight
–– Any other random facts about her designed to make us care?
The Benefits of Living in the Same Place for a Long Time
–– Moss.
U.S. Charges 8 in Beer Heists That Targeted Trains and Warehouses
–– Trouble brewing.
Former high school wrestler subdues man who allegedly caused disturbance in a Subway restaurant
–– Puts foot-long in toehold.
Customer points gun on Burger King employee after getting a discounted breakfast, police say
–– Charging customer for extra ketchup saved life.
They moved from the US to cook American food in deepest Italy. Here’s what happened
–– Natives sauteed in olive oil, ate them.
The Country That Drinks The Most Wine Probably Isn't What You Think
–– Drunk?
The latest drinking trend is alcohol-free
–– Trend? Isn’t that just drinking?
Your dog is probably on Prozac. Experts say that says more about the American mental health crisis than pets
–– And vets' moral crisis.
Wait, does America suddenly have a record number of bees?
–– Wait, is 90% of crisis reporting bullshit?
Excavator operator collapses bear den in New York — and ends up with a tiny stowaway
–– Cave-in to temptation.
Ringleader of global monkey torture network, 'The Torture King', is charged
–– Notorious for spanking monkey.
Patient With Transplanted Pig Kidney Leaves Hospital for Home
–– Which is total sty.
100,000 Live Salmon Spilled Off a Truck. Most Landed in a Creek and Lived.
–– Then attempted to swim upstream directly into boat propellers.
Decades-old Cans of Salmon Reveal Changes in Ocean Health
–– And researchers' when they inadvertantly ate.
Monster 14-foot crocodile stalked pets, evaded capture for weeks — until now. See it
–– Disguised self as fallen tree.
Archeologists investigate claims of giant human skeletons found in Nevada cave with size 29 sandal
–– Open toe could fit kielbasa!
Ancient Water Striders Found In Amber Have Been Stuck Doing The Deed For 100 Million Years
–– What a way to go!
NASA Picks 3 Companies to Help Astronauts Drive Around the Moon
–– But buggy designs don’t include moon roof!
Florida man says space object crashed into his house. Why NASA is taking him seriously
–– He’s grown two additional arms.
Earthquake rattles Northeastern U.S., shakes felt in New York City, New Jersey, Connecticut
–– Pizza slices shaken from rats’ mouths.
Our Mom Is 75. We’re Moving Heaven and Earth for This Eclipse.
–– Who is she, Leto?
New York is suing the world’s biggest meat company. It might be a tipping point for greenwashing
–– If meat's green it needs washing.
Chance Perdomo Remembered by ‘Gen V’ and ‘Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’ Co-Stars: “This Hurts”
–– That’s what he said.
Joe Flaherty, ‘SCTV’ and ‘Freaks and Geeks’ Actor, Dies at 82
–– Maudlin story.
Barbara Rush, Star of ‘It Came From Outer Space’ and ‘Peyton Place,’ Dies at 97
–– Rush to Judgment.
Christopher Durang, Beloved Playwright of Dark Comedic Farces, Dies at 75
–– Before Durang and after.
