Lose Lips Sink Shits
Week of 06/07/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Biden to offer forceful defense of democracy in Normandy speech commemorating D-Day
–– As Trump defends larceny in 'abnormaly' speech.
Opinion | Don’t call Trump a ‘felon’
–– OK, ‘mother-f**king felon.’
British PM Sunak sparks outrage after leaving D-Day memorial early
–– Took Sunak break.
At 102, a WWII veteran died on his way to Normandy to commemorate D-Day
–– Big D-Day.
‘Spacey Unmasked’ Reveals Kevin Spacey Allegedly Masturbated During ‘Saving Private Ryan’s Normandy Beach Invasion Scene
–– Privates risin’.
Trump verdict vindicates N.Y. prosecutor who quietly pursued a risky path
-– Earned Bragging rights.
Trump claims he never called for Hillary Clinton to be locked up
–– Said he just reposted message from crowd through mouth.
Bombshell Report Reveals Team Trump Is Rewarding Key Trial Witnesses
–– With Milk-Bones!
Appeals court halts Trump's Georgia case during appeal of order allowing Willis to stay on case
–– More Fani business.
Damning Report on Judge Cannon Reveals She's Prone to Exploitation
–– Made grind house flick Cannon Blast: Death Sentence.
Trump Did A Weird Thing With His Mouth And You'll Never Unsee It
–– Removed it from Putin’s dick?
Several Pa. House Republicans boo officers who defended Capitol on Jan. 6
–– Could someone please smash heads in door?
Donald Trump Shares Surprising Admission About His Morning Routine
–– Has destroyed two dozen toilets.
Trump bashes Biden’s border order as ‘bulls–t’ at fiery Arizona rally — first event since NYC conviction: ‘Joe, you’re fired!’
–– Carefully laying out platform.
Latest jobs report shows accelerating job growth despite high interest rates
–– Trump calls jobs ‘dog s–t’. adds ‘Joe, you’re rehired, and fired again!’
Biden and Trump share a faith in import tariffs, despite inflation risks
–– Import expert business.
Judge Orders Bannon to Surrender for Prison Term by July 1
–– And, 'clean yourself up before reporting.'
Steve Bannon’s Lawyer Goes Ballistic Over Prison Sentence
–– Bullet-headed geek.
Steve Bannon Prison Sentence Sparks MAGA Meltdown
–– How do you melt down puddle?
Hunter Biden’s wife eviscerates ex-Trump aide at gun trial: ‘Nazi piece of s***’
–– And finds gutless.
The women in Hunter Biden’s life are telling us something
–– Loyalty is foreign concept.
Hunter Biden’s Stripper Ex Dishes on Drug Abuse at Gun Trial
–– Exposes boob.
Hunter Biden Gets Emotional as Daughter Naomi Testifies About His Sobriety Journey: ‘I Knew That He Was Struggling with Addiction’
–– Almost cracks.
Alito’s former neighbor says justice is ‘at best mistaken’ in flap over upside-down US flag
–– In latest slang for 'lying like a rug.'
Clarence Thomas, in Financial Disclosure, Acknowledges 2019 Trips Paid by Harlan Crow
–– As Crow files.
Clarence Thomas Is Hiding Even More Money Than We Knew
–– That's not all him under robes?
Alex Jones agrees to liquidate his assets to pay Sandy Hook families, in move that would end his ownership of Infowars
–– Hook lyin' and sinker.
Ocasio-Cortez: There are ‘rules’ against what happened to Crockett
–– Although Robert has been dead since 1923.
Rupert Murdoch marries wife Elena Zhukova in vineyard wedding
–– Somebody had to be smashed.
Elon Musk may ‘step back’ if shareholders reject $56bn pay package, Tesla chair warns
–– He's worth every penny of it… to remove.
Mexico’s Sheinbaum blazes trail as first woman president, under mentor's watchful eye
–– Cartels literally set trail ablaze.
Mexico’s New President Has a Daunting Job: Stop the Blood Bath
–– And shampoo narcos.
A Careful Dance: How Hezbollah and Israel Have Kept the Lid on a Wider War
–– Hezbollah looks at pix of Gaza.
Singer Taylor Momsen bit by a bat while performing on stage
–– Escaped from Ozzie Osborn’s mouth in balcony.
Netflix’s new thriller is a massive hit, with fans and critics calling it “one of the best shark movies ever made” and even comparing it to Jaws
–– Odd because there are so many other shark movies for comparison.
Opinion: ‘Hit Man’ does what ‘Double Indemnity’ couldn’t
–– Inspire asinine op-ed?
Adele Tells Off Audience Member Who Yelled ‘Pride Sucks’ at Las Vegas Show: ‘Are You F—ing Stupid?’
–– He admits he doesn’t know date’s name.
Cher Reacts to Boyfriend Alexander 'AE' Edwards' Fight with Travis Scott at Cannes Party: 'I'm Proud'
–– ‘I gave him hug and a quarter.’
Jennifer Lopez’s Canceled Tour, and Society’s Twisted Pleasure in Seeing Strong Women Fail
–– J.Lo blow.
Miley Cyrus Says She Wasn’t ‘Taken Seriously at the Grammys’ Until ‘Flowers’ Wins: ‘If You Want to Talk Impact on Culture, Then Where the F— Was I?’
–– Pebble in shoe.
Lana Del Rey Lauds Taylor Swift Ahead of U.K. Tour: “She’s Told Me She Wants It More Than Anyone”
–– Her praise?
Henry Winkler explains how his 30-year feud with Tom Hanks began
–– Has Fonz memories.
Kevin Costner made ‘a promise’ to Whitney Houston to take care of her - and he kept it
–– He offed her?!
Kevin Bacon was burned 'badly' after hard-boiled egg exploded in his mouth while on the road with his band
–– Can only wish band was half as hot.
Evangeline Lilly Is ‘Stepping Away’ From Acting and ‘Might Return to Hollywood One Day’: ‘I Am Happy’
–– Hollywood: ‘That’s nice, what’s your name, again?’
Gaby Hoffmann Embraces Nude Scenes: ‘I Can Barely Watch Somebody Get Punched, but a Breast? That’s Beautiful’
–– Except when, well… hers.
Howard University Revokes Sean “Diddy” Combs’ Honorary Degree Following Release of Cassie Assault Video
–– Empire Beauty School takes back Combs' Honorary Hair Master degree.
Do Trigger Warnings Need Spoiler Alerts?
–– And snowflake monitors?
Sophia Loren Is Not Slowing Down
–– To eye of sloth.
Diane von Furstenberg Has No Regrets: ‘I Will Laugh When I Die
–– OK, we’re in.
Amandla Stenberg and Leslye Headland Thought the ‘Star Wars: The Acolyte’ Twist Would Leak Much Sooner
–– Oh, it leaks, alright.
Matthew McConaughey’s Wife Camila Alves and Daughter Vida, 14, Radiate in Red Looks at N.Y.C. Hermès Event
–– Hosed down with decontaminant foam.
Katie Holmes Reveals She Gave Her Viral Cashmere Bra to a Friend
–– Made her sick, too.
Marlon Wayans Says People Need to 'Laugh Again at Inappropriate Things' When Asked About 'White Chicks' Sequel
–– ‘Or unfunny things, like my stuff.’
Pat Sajak, the Cool, Unflappable, Reliable Host, Signs Off
–– Evaporates from den floor like spilt Diet Coke.
Vanna White says an emotional goodbye to Pat Sajak on ‘Wheel of Fortune’
–– Even though frown is permanently upside down.
MLB bans Padres infielder Tucupita Marcano for sports betting violations
–– Padre mio!
Iga Świątek continues pursuit of fourth French Open title with semifinal victory against Coco Gauff
–– And chance to add additional accent to last name.
Coco Gauff Tearfully Tells Umpire 'You Should Be Ashamed!' in Argument During French Open Loss
–– So should her parents.
Monet Painting at the Musée d’Orsay Vandalized by Climate Activist
–– You mean climate asstivist.
Washington Post editor and CEO clashed on reorganization before her exit
–– Buzbee berzerkly.
Washington Post C.E.O. Promised Interview for Ignoring Scandal, NPR Reporter Says
–– Quid pro quote.
Morale plummets inside The Washington Post as staffers express alarm over publisher’s attempts to squash story
–– Post part dumb depression.
Why restaurants are so loud, and what science says we can do about it
–– Shut your piehole.
What Happens To Costco Rotisserie Chickens That Exceed The 2-Hour Shelf Life
–– Get up, walk away.
This Peruvian Chicken Dish Is Kept Secret For A Reason
–– Sabe a basura.
‘McCheapest Map’ Tool Will Help You Find the Cheapest Big Mac But You Might Have to Drive a Bit
–– Depending on distance from nearest dumpster.
McDonald’s loses ‘Big Mac’ trademark battle with Irish fast food chain
–– Where special sauce is whiskey.
Nvidia surpasses Apple to become the second-largest public company in the US
–– Chips away at lead.
’When can I have one?’: The world’s largest 3D printer is building cozy homes from wood
–– When existing 3D printer outputs couple million bucks.
Toyota apologizes for cheating on vehicle testing and halts production of three models
–– Howzabout some vehicular seppuku?
Couple finds safe stuffed with $100,000 cash while magnet fishing in New York
–– Still disappointed magnets weren't biting.
How a peak boomer lives 'perfectly comfortably' on less than $30,000 a year after moving from Texas to tiny homes in New York and Florida
–– With, shall we say, ‘lowered expectations.’
Man behind dress that ‘broke the internet’ jailed for throttling his wife
–– Some authorities see choking, others throttling.
Woman Who Dated Serial Killer Realized Later He Was Drugging Her Repeatedly: 'Oh My God, I Can't Wake Up'
–– Or was he boring her to death?
Delaware County crossing guard supplied middle school students with narcotics: DA
–– Took high road.
Accused double murderer allowed to cover swastika and skeleton face tattoos — but they’re still showing
–– We think they make him more sympathetic to Satanists on jury.
Florida woman’s Apple Watch traces lost luggage to airport worker’s home
–– In damnedest coincedence.
Why Miami’s Approach to Addiction Is Working
–– Creating more addicts, right?
What one man learned living alone in the wilderness for 40 years
–– Don’t wipe self with bark.
Killer bear: Woman's death inside her home marks California's first fatal black bear attack
–– Should never have asked, 'who's been sleeping in my bed?'
Shark regurgitates whole echidna in shocking first sighting
–– Was able to thoroughly pick teeth after meal.
Hungry giraffe lifts toddler out of truck at drive-thru safari
–– What necks?
Prehistoric mini-ape discovered in Germany the smallest to ever live
–– So small could've caused fun in thimble full of them.
Baby Gorilla Erupts Into Fits of Laughter While Playing with Beloved Dad
–– Homer Simpson!
The world's most dangerous bird is at risk of extinction
–– Good news? Bad news?
It’s illegal to lock dogs in your car. It’s also illegal to rescue dogs from a locked car
–– We just leave ours keys.
Police shooting of blind dog leaves city in turmoil
–– Cops insist he was carrying.
German naturists fear for future of lifestyle amid falling interest
–– Flabbier than their backsides.
‘We sold everything off, even the semen flasks’: the film about the farming couple who struck gold by rewilding
–– Even jizz jiggers?
Have Wine for Breakfast, Put On a 51-Pound Suit and Get to the Battlefield
–– Russia's new army recruitment come-on.
Dutch tourist accused of graffitiing ancient Roman villa in Herculaneum
–– Tagged Klootzak.
Humans and Neanderthals only had sex for a brief period, but it still fundamentally changed our DNA
–– Was wham, bam, thank you ape man.
Paleontologists Uncover Rare Skull of 500-Pound 'Thunder Bird' in Australia
–– Celebrate with quart of Thunderbird.
Fighting in the Buff: Did Celtic Warriors Really Go to War Naked?
–– Or just for 'swordfights' when training?
New technology could shrink bulky MRI machines
–– To take body scans of mosquitoes.
Bowel disease breakthrough as researchers make ‘holy grail’ discovery
–– Extracting cup extremely messy.
Boeing Starliner docks with space station after encountering new issues
–– Exit hatch luckily stayed on.
SpaceX soars through new milestones in test flight of the most powerful rocket ever built
–– And no, this is not Musk-approved ad copy.
The World’s Largest Fungus Collection May Unlock the Mysteries of Carbon Capture
–– Claims collector ‘Mike the Shroom Monster.’
Heat dome set to bring more sizzling temperatures to the West a day after Death Valley hit 122 degrees
–– Just like tourist brochures promise.
The hottest place on Earth is cracking from the stress of extreme heat
–– Referring to self as Death Mesa.
How Wednesday’s historic Maryland tornado outbreak happened
–– Wind, mostly.
Massive melon-size hail could be a Texas record
–– Bigger that average cranium.
NYC had a plan to make it hard for cars to enter the city. Here’s why the governor blocked it.
–– Smoked tail pipe.
In the pandemic, we were told to keep 6 feet apart. There’s no science to support that.
–– Just following our noses.
Fauci Testimony Turns Chaotic: ‘Most Insane Hearing I’ve Attended’
–– And he met regularly with Trump.
Fauci Torches “Crazy” MTG for Her Insane Attacks
–– Afflicted by mad cow.
