Bibi Or Not Bibi
Week of 05/10/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Biden’s Rafah warning sends immediate shockwaves through US and global politics
–– Hit Rafah patch.
Trump’s son Barron, 18, pulls out of political debut
–– Will join actual freak show.
Biden Condemns a ‘Ferocious Surge’ of Antisemitism in the United States
–– ‘And that’s just with my new no-aid-to-Israel policy!’
Wait. Why are 3 of Trump’s 4 criminal trials delayed indefinitely?
–– Justice is blind drunk.
‘He could see the damage she was doing’: Trump reacts to Stormy Daniels testimony
–– ‘Stripping away his lies like they were pasties.’
Jon Stewart Calls “Penis-to-Penis” Trump Trial Coverage “Numbing”
–– Though appropriate for total dick.
Trump escalates attacks on prosecutors, says Democrats run ‘a Gestapo administration’
–– ‘Which I respect, but don’t they know I’m 100% Aryan?’
The accounting firm that Trump hired for his media firm’s IPO was caught copy-and-pasting previous audits and is now banned forever
–– Pasted and cut.
The One Thing Trump Knows He Wants in a Running Mate
–– His fist.
At a Dinner, Trump Assailed Climate Rules and Asked $1 Billion From Big Oil
–– Dressed salad with crude.
Paul Manafort, poised to rejoin Trump world, aided Chinese media deal
–– Manafort destiny.
NYT: RFK Jr. says worm ‘got into my brain and ate a portion of it’
–– Making parasite crazier.
RFK Jr. revealed he had a parasitic brain worm. Here’s what to know.
–– Never got license for it.
House votes to block Greene’s effort to oust Johnson from speakership
–– Polished Johnson's whacks.
Greene booed as Republicans turn on her over bid to oust Speaker Johnson
–– Greene grosser.
Johnson says he does not see national abortion ban next year, even under Trump
–– Is this guy trying to convince us he’s human?
Marjorie Taylor Greene says she reported Jimmy Kimmel to Capitol Police after Will Smith joke
–– Any mention of black men freaks her out.
For Laura Loomer, a Trump comeback is everything
–– Loomer ticks.
Noem acknowledges removing Kim Jong Un claim from book, continues to defend dog killing
–– Claims she shipped meat to Kim for dinner.
Justice Kavanaugh touts transparency, consistency to build trust in high court
–– So he’s been consistently transparent liar.
Netanyahu says Israel can ‘stand alone’ after Biden threatens arms halt
–– In army boots U.S. gave them.
After a U.N. official says there is famine in northern Gaza, Israel pushes back.
–– Insists Palestinians just practicing intermittent fasting.
UN assembly approves resolution granting Palestine new rights and reviving its UN membership bid
–– This week in Symbolic Gestures.
Hamas’s Offer to Hand Over 33 Hostages Includes Some Who Are Dead
–– No disrespect, but shouldn’t those count halfsies?
Twitch streamers are stepping up their coverage of campus protests
–– On misinformation superhighway.
Hillary Clinton Accuses Protesters of Ignorance of Mideast History
–– Bastards of deplorables.
Mark Rudd led antiwar students at Columbia in 1968. He says Gaza protesters are repeating his mistakes
–– Marks crud.
Macklemore criticizes Biden in new song supporting pro-Palestinian student protests
–– Finally, we hear from actual authority.
Colson Whitehead Cancels His Commencement Speech at UMass Amherst
–– Showed some commence decency.
China Is Buying Gold Like There’s No Tomorrow
–– On gilt trip.
How Pope Francis opened the Vatican to transgender sex workers
–– Unlocked back door.
The global synthetic drugs crisis has hit West Africa, where people are digging up human bones to make a drug called 'kush'
–– Real kushy job.
DEI is getting a new name. Can it dump the political baggage?
–– It is political baggage.
Keanu Reeves and Longtime Girlfriend Alexandra Grant Stun in Monochromatic Outfits During Rare Public Appearance
–– With matching taser holsters.
Bette Midler Calls Sitcom ‘Bette’ a “Big, Big Mistake”
–– Bette it was.
“Superman” first look unveils David Corenswet as James Gunn's Man of Steel
–– Coren looks swetty.
Rihanna Skips 2024 Met Gala After Coming Down with the Flu: Source (Exclusive)
–– Laziest woman in showbiz with lamest excuse.
Jessica Biel Bathed in 20 Lbs. of Epsom Salt to Slip into 2024 Met Gala Dress, Attends Without Justin Timberlake
–– Life of brine.
Lana Del Rey's Met Gala Look Is Giving Eldritch Horror, And I'm Low-Key Obsessed
–– Not eldritch clever.
How Alexandra Daddario Transformed Into a “Woodland Nymph” for the 2024 Met Gala
–– Dryad and failed.
At the Met Gala, Celebrities Are Nearly Nude. Are We Not Aroused?
–– Not are we.
Mama Cass 'didn't choke to death on a ham sandwich', daughter says
–– If you can swallow that.
Apple TV+ Cancels ‘Constellation’ After Single Season
–– Shooting stars.
’The Fall Guy’ Fizzles With $28 Million in Ticket Sales
–– Stunted.
Chris Pine Says ‘Poolman’ Was the “Best Thing to Ever Happen to Me” Despite Negative Reviews
–– ‘Even better than kidney stones.’
Chris Pine Was “Stunned” That ‘Wonder Woman 3’ Was Canceled
–– ‘But it’s still second best thing to ever happen to me.’
‘The Office’ spinoff is set at a daily newspaper
–– Only paper cheaper than ream of 20 lb bond.
Kendrick Lamar vs. Drake Beef Goes Nuclear: What to Know
–– Is drake beef a cut of duck?
Brian Wilson, Beach Boys co-founder, to be placed under conservatorship, judge rules
–– In his room.
Jerry Seinfeld Can No Longer Be About Nothing
–– But this article is.
Jerry Seinfeld asked Chris Rock to recreate the Will Smith Oscars slap for his Netflix movie. Rock turned him down.
–– Palmed it off.
Jerry Seinfeld Issues Apology After Inadvertently 'Insulting' Howard Stern: 'I'm Sorry'
–– Thought he was made of Sterner stuff.
Law Roach Names “Big Five” Designers Who Refused to Dress Zendaya: “If You Say No, It’ll Be a No Forever”
–– Roach clip.
Emma Corrin on Journey to Coming Out as Nonbinary, Thoughts on Gendered Awards Categories
–– Oh, please, a map of their journey!
John Leguizamo Turned Down ‘Mr. & Mrs Smith’ Because Jolie and Pitt Were ‘Getting $20 Million and They Were Going to Pay Me Scale. I Felt Dissed’; He Regrets It Now
–– Why is every Leguizamo story him feeling dissed?
Elon Musk blasts obsolete education system for failing to reach kids: ‘You don’t want a teacher in front of a board’
— ‘You want an AI program brainwashing them.’
Ian McShane: ‘When I was about to get it on with Richard Burton, he said I reminded him of Elizabeth’
–– 'With half the bum.'
King Charles Takes Military Role From Prince Harry and Gives It to William
— Royal tin soldiers in steadier hands.
Trea Turner imposter scams 70-year-old Phillies fan suffering from Parkinson's disease out of $50,000
–– Felt betreaed.
Aaron Hernandez’s fiancée speaks out after jokes during Tom Brady roast. ‘It’s sad’
–– ‘When we’ve stooped so low as to make jokes about murdering thugs.’
Locks of Beethoven's Hair Are Unraveling the Mysteries of His Deafness and Illnesses
–– And chronic unkemptness.
I’m a stay-at-home mom, raising 3 kids while also working part-time. I wake up at 3 a.m. to get everything done.
–– With plans to kill my lazy husband.
Texas couple welcomes identical quadruplet girls: 'Holy moly!'
–– May the fours be with you!
Hawaii is poised to make the ‘shaka’ its official state gesture
–– Shaka con?
Miss Teen USA Resigns From Her Post, Following Miss USA
–– Post brand flakes.
Apple apologizes for iPad Pro ad showing hydraulic press destroying guitars, piano
–– Admits it meant to include Samsung president.
Scarecrow laws threaten to make middle-aged Americans financially responsible for their parents’ medical bills
–– Or have their eyes plucked out by blackbirds.
Parents of boy whose heart stopped for 19 hours were stunned when it started beating again
–– Celebrated thumping success.
Homeless woman was living inside Michigan rooftop store sign with computer and coffee maker
–– Without blessing of church!
Amish youth experience a rite of passage called Rumspringa. It’s not what you might think
–– We think it’s when they get drunk on rum and spring at one another.
Too Racy for Times Square? An Ad for Lactation Cookies Is Replaced.
–– What’s wrong with milk ’n’ cookies?
Virginia school board votes to restore Confederate names to two schools
–– Stonewall jerks on.
San Francisco Residents Outraged Over Cost of Providing Tiny Houses For The Homeless
–– And their dolls.
Couple misses flight departure time after waiting four hours to get through airport security
–– Did have 48 suitcases.
Chinese climbers stuck on cliff for more than an hour due to overcrowding
–– Alledgedly.
Oldest living Japanese American, 110, shares her longevity tips and the 1 food she eats every day
–– Remained soba minded.
‘I’m a Neurologist, and This Is the Type of Nut I Swear by for Alzheimer’s Prevention'
–– 'The kind that insists he's Jesus.'
The Simple Way To Thicken Soup That Requires No Extra Ingredients
–– Except your dandruff.
Another Sriracha Shortage May Be on the Horizon. What Happened?
–– Spice racked.
McDonald’s, Wendy’s shareholders demand companies tackle child-labor problems
–– While serving same shitty food?
High levels of ultra-processed foods linked with early death, brain issues
–– But amazing sugar highs.
Time-Restricted Eating Linked to Higher Risk of Cardiovascular Health
–– As opposed to all-day bingeing of ultra-processed foods.
Elizabeth Holmes sees more months trimmed from prison release date
–– She'll be out in blink of an eye (or 8+ years.)
Missouri man admits to strangling hospitalized wife to death because he couldn't afford her medical bills
–– With mustache!
Maine woman screams 'Don't think I will?' at boyfriend in fatal shooting on newly emerged video: report
–– Believe it or shot.
Authorities Reveal How Missing Surfers from U.S. and Australia Found at Bottom of Well in Mexico Died
–– Not bobbing for manzanas?
Dog deserted by family ‘cries endlessly’ and needs new home. ‘Personality is dimming’
–– Along with our patience for heart-rending dog tales.
Blind Man and His Service Dog Kicked Out of Restaurant: ‘You Don’t Look Blind’
–– Replies: ‘You don’t taste that stupid.’
Man’s Sweet Cuddle Session With Tiny Donkey Is Giving People ‘Baby Fever'
–– Sounds like he tapped that ass.
Third member of great horned owl family found dead in Chicago's Lincoln Park
–– Investigators suspect murder/suicide.
Sanctuary Pig Gives Rescue Worker a Grateful Kiss After Having Sunscreen Applied
–– To anus.
Swimming Beneath Sand, It’s ‘the Hardest of All Animals to Find’
–– And last you’d want to.
44-Foot Whale Found Dead on Bow of Cruise Ship Coming Into New York
–– After trying to make out with it.
50-foot sea creature washes up on Delaware shore. But rescue proves too ‘treacherous’
–– For scaredy-cat Coast Guard.
Tuna Crabs, Neither Tuna Nor Crabs, Are Swarming Near San Diego
–– More like tuna with crabs.
Scientists are starting to decode what sperm whales are saying
–– Mostly jerk-off jokes.
China’s hype video for its lunar base showed what looked like a NASA Space Shuttle lifting off, which it then realized and tried to fix
–– Seemed fair as they stole 90% of technology.
A New Study Suggests Aliens Aren’t Little Green Men. They’re Purple People Eaters
–– And suggests researchers are higher than UFO.
Boeing forced to scrub first crewed Starliner launch to the space station
–– Keeping on brand.
A huge solar storm is slamming into the Earth. Scientists say you should look up
–– The reasons.
The next global crisis could come from the sun. We should prepare now.
–– We’ve got our parasols.
How 'Earth's twin' Venus lost its water and became a hellish planet
–– With really dry skin.
The ‘world’s largest’ vacuum to suck climate pollution out of the air just opened. Here’s how it works
–– Pervy eco-warriors already using to pleasure selves.
Giant Batteries Are Transforming the Way the U.S. Uses Electricity
–– California grid takes 3 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA lithium batteries.
North America’s biggest city is running out of water
–– Seca to none.
Sean Burroughs, Little League hero and former MLB player, dies at 43
–– Burroughs into ground.
Ramón Fonseca, co-founder of law firm in ‘Panama Papers’ leak, dies at 71
–– Filed away.
Frank Stella’s Greatest Legacy Was as a Master Sadist
–– Stella by scar light.
Confined by early praise, Frank Stella found freedom in extravagance
–– Exited into-Stella space.
