Felon Groovy
Week of 05/31/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump Hoped ‘My Juror’ Would Save Him From Conviction
–– What he calls Jesus.
Trump says he will appeal historic conviction
–– Stuns nation.
Donald Trump guilty on all 34 felony charges
–– Adds to growing collection: Trump Org’s conviction on 17 counts ($355 mil penalty pending), rape conviction against E. Jean Carroll (over $90 mil penalty pending.)
Kaitlan Collins asked Todd Blanche if he regretted not having Trump take the stand. Hear his response
–– ‘Did you want a conviction on 44 counts?’
Trump will likely be allowed to vote, despite felony convictions
–– What difference does one more Floridian a-hole make?
Opinion | In closing, Trump’s team takes the jurors for idiots
–– Based on number of asshats who swear they’ll still vote for him.
Jimmy Kimmel Addresses Trump Verdict: “How Long Before He Starts Bragging About This?”
–– With conviction.
Eric Trump Slammed For ‘Particularly Disgusting’ Memorial Day Weekend Post
–– Another selfie?
Trump is trending on Chinese social media, and many are rejoicing
–– On SikFok.
Emerging Portrait of Judge in Trump Documents Case: Prepared, Prickly and Slow
–– Pro-Trump, incompetent and obstructive.
Jack Smith preparing legal kill shot for Aileen Cannon in Trump documents case. experts say
–– How do you take down dumb beast?
Biden Mocks Reporter's 'All 4 Years' Question: 'Did You Fall On Your Head Or Something?'
–– Balanced response.
Why Are People So Down About the Economy? Theories Abound.
–– All failed math?
Alito Refuses Calls for Recusal Over Display of Provocative Flags
–– Furled again.
Trump Virtually High-Fives Samuel Alito for Refusing to Recuse Himself From January 6 Case Over Flag Incidents
–– Needs all law-breakers he can get.
Amy Coney Barrett’s Husband Has a New Client—and It’s Disturbing
–– Only if you care about fair play, rule of law, Constituion.
Chase Oliver nominated as Libertarian presidential candidate
–– Campaign will kick off with Missing Person notice in post offices.
Opinion | Grover Cleveland owned up to a sex scandal. This is how it helped him.
–– Grovel Cleveland.
Opinion Russia is flooding Europe with disinformation. The U.S. elections are next.
–– One thing they were really lacking.
Biden gives Ukraine permission to carry out limited strikes within Russia using US weapons
–– Each time must ask ‘May I?’
Russia’s most modern battle tank hit by ‘disco head’ glitch
–– Shimmering, rotating ball blinding drivers.
Biden says Israel has offered a new ‘roadmap’ to bring about a ceasefire in Gaza
–– All bombed-out potholes.
‘All Eyes on Rafah’ Surges on Social Media After a Deadly Israeli Strike
–– Isn't that song by Raffi?
Israel confirms its forces are in central Rafah, defying international condemnation of operation in southern Gazan city
–– All oys on Rafah.
White House says attack at Rafah camp did not cross Biden’s red line over supporting Israel
–– Was in disappearing ink.
John Fetterman receives standing ovation after removing Harvard hood during Yeshiva University commencement
— Lot easier than Netanyahu trying to remove Gaza hoods.
Arab-Muslim lawyer files lawsuit against Chicago-based firm over revoked job offer
–– Can't she get job with Hamas?
How China Pulled So Far Ahead on Industrial Policy
–– Murderous autocracy might’ve given them edge.
The Dizzying Rise and Damp, Deflated End of Prime Minister Rishi Sunak
–– Hope he wipes that thang.
A synthetic drug ravages youth in Sierra Leone. There's little help, and some people are chained
–– To…?
Box Office Meltdown: ‘Garfield’ Claims Victory Over ‘Furiosa’ With Worst No. 1 Memorial Day Opening in Three Decades
–– Would still love to see Dementus run over obnoxious fur ball.
I Did Not Expect Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes' Heartbreaking Opening, But I Agree With Why It Had To Happen
–– No nit to pick?
Polish Film Institute’s Recently Fired Former Director Facing Allegations of Mishandling Funds: ‘We Are Dealing With a Scandal’
–– Claims he rubbed złoty then put back.
Will Smith and Martin Lawrence Aren’t Ready to Pass ‘Bad Boys’ Torch: “The Back Ain’t Went Out Quite Yet”
–– Babies got back?
Billie Eilish Says Doing Three-Hour Concerts Is “Literally Psychotic”
–– Ever the wordsmith.
“F*** This, Let’s Just Talk About It”: Jodie Foster, Jennifer Aniston, Sofía Vergara Let Loose on THR’s Drama Actress Roundtable
–– Golly, gals can cuss, too?!
Millie Bobby Brown and Jake Bongiovi are married, says Jon Bon Jovi
–– Mrs. Millie Bobby Bonnie Brownie Jovi!
‘I just didn’t recognise him!’ TikToker interviews Baz Luhrmann without knowing who he is – and they talk group sex
–– Moron rouge.
Lenny Kravitz and His Leather Workout Pants Are Celibate
–– Except with each other.
Paul Reubens’ Longtime Home He Bought with “Pee-wee's Big Adventure ”Paycheck Is for Sale a Year After His Death
–– Buyer will need to replace foam furniture.
Pixar, struggling for a new strategy, predictably turns to reboots, sequels, and "mass appeal"
–– No more multi-million dollar cartoons about tween menses?
How Jerry Bruckheimer Rescued ‘Young Woman and the Sea’ From Streaming
–– Still all wet.
Madonna Hit With Lawsuit in California Over “Sexually Explicit Content” at Celebration Tour
–– She really needs to cover up face job.
–– To be fair she had trouble making lips move.
Eminem Reacts Bashfully to SZA's Unexpected Cover of 'Lose Yourself'
–– Like red M&M.
Fans Attack Mindy Kaling, 44, With 🔥 Emojis After She Posts New Swimsuit Pics
–– Stunburn?
Catherine, Princess of Wales portrait becomes latest royal painting to spark debate
–– But only because it sucks.
MLB integrates Negro League statistics into all-time record book with Josh Gibson now career batting average leader
–– No gray areas?
Caitlin Clark makes WNBA history in Indiana Fever loss to Los Angeles Sparks
–– Became first rookie, fourth player to finish with 30 points, five rebounds, six assists, three steals and three blocks game. Get out marble slab, chisel.
The Brothers Grimm Did Much More Than Tell Fairy Tales
–– Ran Grimm Reapers farm equipment shop in Göttingen, Germany.
The Women of Greek Myths Are Finally Talking Back
–– In 21st-century wokespeak.
Better late than never! Book borrowed in 1939 returned to Finnish library after 84 years
–– Did reader finnish?
I’m a pro shopper — here's my wishlist from Lululemon's We Made Too Much drop
–– We quit after initial declaration.
As crypto cash floods Washington, Congress eyes gentler regulations
–– Virtual flood 'cause, y'know, it doesn't really exist.
AI career coaches are here. Should you trust them?
–– When they strongly suggest salary in crypto in shared cold wallet?
What AI thinks a beautiful woman looks like
–– AI can go f**k self.
Google scales back AI search answers after it told users to eat glue
–– We’re telling Google to eat s**t.
AI is cracking a hard problem–giving computers a sense of smell
–– Makes no scents.
Man tries exotic fruits in Mexico, before cashew nut shell leaves him with third-degree burns on his face
–– Tried bobbing for in roaster.
José Andrés steps down as CEO of his restaurant group
–– Tapas out.
This cookout staple is an American favorite. I’m not a fan
–– Why you're a wiener.
I tried the biggest burgers at 5 fast-food chains and my favorite tasted fresh off the grill
–– Even after regurgitation.
Amtrak’s Acela upgrades its menu to match its speed
–– Meals will traverse digestive tract double time.
My Husband Came to Me With a Baffling Sexual Proposition. And Somehow I’m Actually Considering It.
–– Solving Rubik’s Cube during anal.
‘I Run Kinky Sex Parties, Here’s What I Want Men To Know About Female Pleasure’
–– I take Venmo.
I Had No Idea The "Unusual" Thing My Body Did Was, In Fact, Not "Normal," And I Feel So Validated By These 24 People Who Had The Same Experience
–– Puke when reading nonsense like this.
What Happened After I Stopped Taking a Weight-Loss Drug
–– I could stop wearing diapers.
’My clients are freaking out about Ozempic face’
–– I tell them death mask will look fabulous.
“Parasitic Infection Is Common": This Doctor Is Sharing The "Brain Worm Warning Signs" You Should Know
–– 1. Convinced you must vote for Trump in November.
Transplant patient stable and on dialysis after pig organ removed due to ‘unique challenges’ with heart, kidney health
–– Pig out.
Anger Does a Lot More Damage to Your Body Than You Realize
–– Taking it on chin preferred?
What does it take to buy a house? Increasingly, Mom and Dad.
–– Mortgage or less.
Black passengers sue American Airlines, alleging they were thrown off a plane because of false body odor complaint
–– Something certainly smells funny.
’Bad Breath Rapist' caught across the country after 16 years on the run
–– During daring Altoids burglary.
Cop is charged after hosting ‘teen sex party’ for underage girls
–– In what he insists was elaborate sting operation.
Red-light cameras installed at Bucks County intersections will bring fines for those running lights
–– Or frequenting streetwalkers standing under them.
Scott Peterson suffers big setback in effort to prove he did not kill wife, unborn son
–– He did.
Giant pandas are returning to D.C.’s National Zoo. Meet Bao Li and Qing Bao.
–– After officials bamboozled by departure.
Elusive 'octopus squid' with world's largest biological lights attacks camera in striking new video
–– Enraged scientists can’t make up mind on species.
Hooks, barbs and bristles: why damselfly penises wouldn’t look out of place in a medieval torture chamber
–– For ants?
Amid roadkill epidemic, California builds world’s largest wildlife bridge
–– With ‘affordable’ toll.
Our son is named after a cartoon dog. He loves having an unusual name.
–– We hope to have him paper-trained before third grade.
I Checked My Husband's Dashcam After Our Dog Went Missing. What I Found Made Me Irate
–– He lent mutt keys!
Unusual ‘salty licorice’ cats share a newly discovered genetic mutation
–– And secret ingredient in new Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Trove of 600 Looted Italian Artifacts Worth $65 Million Comes Home
–– Trove in Fiat.
What Britain's famed Roman Baths could teach out about microbes
–– Strigils can't beat soap.
World's 1st carved horse: The 35,000-year-old ivory figurine from Vogelherd cave
–– 1st? Prove it.
Dinosaur hunter stumbles across million-dollar find
–– Triposaurus.
Why scientists say we need to send clocks to the moon — and soon
–– Space missions always late.
Scientists may have finally solved the problem of the universe’s 'missing' black holes
–– Can’t see when standing in front of ebon void.
This lens is just three atoms thick and works like a quantum lighthouse
–– More Apple iPhone camera ad copy?
Market value of carbon offsets drops 61%, report finds
–– Offset set off.
Louisiana’s coast is sinking. Advocates say the governor is undermining efforts to save it.
–– Only inches above state’s low brow.
Another N.C. beach house just fell into the ocean. Others may follow.
–– Need cooling dip.
Americans Are Moving to These 2 Southern Cities — and Both Have Stunning Beaches, Great Weather, and Low Cost of Living
–– Indoor pools in every room.
Hurricane Ian walloped Cape Coral, Fla. Two years later housing costs have spiked
–– Houses, borrowers underwater.
‘La Niña Really Can’t Come Soon Enough’
–– The bitch.
Covid will still be here this summer. Will anyone care?
–– Those who get it?
What’s next for bird flu vaccines
–– Flu into a rage?
Bette Nash, world’s longest-serving flight attendant, dies at 88
–– To be interred in overhead rack.
Al Ruddy, Oscar-Winning Producer of ‘The Godfather’ and ‘Million Dollar Baby,’ Dies at 94
–– Ruddy set, go.
