License to Kill
Week of 04/26/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
The president could "assassinate" political rivals and still enjoy total immunity, Trump lawyer says
–– But only with gun on Fifth Avenue.
How to change your career after 40
–– Get new job.
The Court Just Sealed Everyone’s Fate, Including Its Own
–– Legally bombed.
After Biden signs TikTok ban into law, ByteDance says it won't sell the social media service
–– Finally, some good news.
They found safe spaces on TikTok. A ban could devastate their communities.
–– Or they could let China.
Walgreens has a cult ‘peelable’ candy, courtesy of a TikTok craze
–– See what a profound loss TikTok would be?
Marjorie Taylor Greene calls on Johnson to resign after foreign aid bills pass: ‘If he doesn’t do so, he will be vacated’
–– ‘Or I will vacate on him.’
Ex-publisher details ‘catch and kill’ at Trump’s hush money trial
–– Pecker would.
How Trump has become angrier and more isolated on Truth Social
–– Really, how's that possible?
Trump’s Manhattan Criminal Trial Will Not Be Televised
–– Even cameras have shame.
Trump Privately Rages About His Sketch Artist, Courtroom Nap Reports
–– If only Ivan Albright were available.
‘Visible difference’: Sketch artist details moment Trump’s behavior changed in court
–– 'With human life forms.'
Trump says courthouse being kept too cold ‘on purpose’
–– That’s how you keep dead meat.
Key Witness Says Trump Knew About Every Single Hush Money Payment
–– Couldn’t shut up about it.
Deceased protester who lit himself on fire outside Trump hush money trial once worked for Democrat congressman
–– Great investigative work, Fox.
How Toxic Is Trump? Republican Group's Hidden Camera Reveals Uncomfortable Truth.
–– This device more useful.
FBI code name for Trump classified documents probe was ‘Plasmic Echo,’ court records show
–– Also name of unreleased Jefferson Airplane LP.
Secret Service says agent on Harris’ detail was removed from assignment after distressing behavior
–– Sanded, wrinkled jeans.
Congress extends controversial warrantless surveillance law for two years
–– Bugger all.
New Evidence Shows Matt Gaetz Might Be Skeezier Than We Thought
–– We assure you, not possible.
Minnesota State Sen. Nicole Mitchell burgled stepmother's home to get father's ashes, sentimental items, charges say
–– Favorite lock picks, money sack, ski mask.
Rep. Schiff reportedly robbed in San Francisco, forced to attend ritzy campaign dinner with no suit to wear
–– Had to Schiff for self.
George Santos ends comeback bid for Congress after raising no money
–– And not spending on fancy wardrobe, vacation in Barbados, golden butt plug.
George W. Bush ‘Crashed’ into a Garage, Jenna Bush Hager Recalls, After Laura Bush Gave Him Tough Love
–– Guess she had tough love when she 'crashed' into ex-boyfriend.
Tennessee passes bill to let teachers carry guns, a year after mass shooting
–– Students lobby for switchblades.
Kristi Noem describes killing dog after bad hunting trip in new book
–– And loving it!
Iran’s supreme leader tacitly acknowledges that Tehran hit little in its attack on Israel
–– Ayatollah ya so.
Erdogan meets Hamas leader amid reports terror group wants to relocate
–– Were shown spacious lair w/fully updated safe rooms, bonus torture chamber, mosque vu, finished tunnels.
Columbia student who joined NYU anti-Israel protests admits she doesn't know she's protesting
–– Missed class where they covered irony.
NYPD responds to AOC, says officers 'have to teach' anti-Israel mobs the 'consequences of their actions'
–– Only schooling they’re currently getting.
Patriots owner Robert Kraft: 'Jew hatred' on U.S. college campuses is another parallel to Germany in 1930s and '40s
–– Semite tough.
Columbia Bars Student Protester Who Said ‘Zionists Don’t Deserve to Live’
–– Zion's own death warrant.
Mexican presidential favourite stopped by masked men ‘seeking an end to cartel violence’
–– And ‘campaign contributions’ donated to them.
Tensions are so high at Columbia ahead of Passover that all classes will be virtual today
–– The lazy doth protest too much, wethinks.
Alec Baldwin Seemingly Slaps Person’s Phone Away After Being Harassed in Coffee Shop
–– Seemingly should’ve aimed higher.
Pauly Shore Says He ‘Was Up All Night Crying’ After Richard Simmons Said He Did Not Approve Planned Biopic
–– Sobbin’ to the oldies.
The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame 2024 inductees are…
–– A joke.
Taylor Swift Has Given Fans a Lot. Is It Finally Too Much?
–– Headache’s yea big.
Harvard’s Taylor Swift Scholars Have Thoughts on ‘Tortured Poets’
–– We have thoughts on ‘Taylor Swift Scholars.’
Heart kept themselves from starving in their early days by stealing Bachman Turner Overdrive's food
–– Particularly liked BTOs –– bacon, tomato, onion.
Artists are all-in on vinyl. See how records are made in 2024.
–– Spin however you’d like.
Americans’ New TV Habit: Subscribe. Watch. Cancel. Repeat.
–– Forgot ‘Retch.’
Tom Cruise ‘dumbfounded’ guests at Victoria Beckham’s 50th birthday bash with breakdancing and splits
–– Bananas splits?
Ellen DeGeneres: I was ‘kicked out of show business’ for being ‘mean’
–– Duh generous to a fault.
Salma Hayek Kicks Off swimsuit Season in the Most Salma Hayek Way Possible
–– Um, wears swimsuit?
Megan Thee Stallion Denies Allegations She Forced Cameraman Watch Her Have Sex
–– Wild horses couldn't drag us to see.
Megan Thee Stallion accused of harassment, Beyoncé reveals natural hair
–– More below-the-belt reporting.
New Johnny Cash Album, ‘Songwriter,’ Brings to Light 11 Original Compositions He Recorded but Never Released in 1993
–– Talk about Cash cow.
Jerry Seinfeld Thinks the Movie Business Has Been Replaced With ‘Depression,’ ‘Malaise’ and ‘Confusion’
–– That is movie biz.
Derek Hough and Wife Hayley Erbert Reveal They Do an Ice Bath After Every Dance Show: ‘A Non-Negotiable for Us’
–– In freeze-for-all.
'The Simpsons' killed off a 35-year-old character — and fans are shocked
–– Can’t believe Larry was only 35.
’Family Guy’ Star Patrick Warburton Says His Parents Still ‘Hate the Show’ After 25 Years; His Mom Tried to Get It Canceled Even Though His Salary Helped Support Her
–– Can she help it if she’s humanitarian?
Dave Bautista Said No One Would Hire Him For A Rom-Com, And Now A Star Wars Alum Wants To Be His Co-Star In One
–– Rom-com or Ab-scam?
John and Chrissy's Key to Parenting Is “an Incredible Amount of Nannies”
–– Legend has it.
Huw Edwards Leaving BBC on “Medical Advice” After 40-Year Career
–– From Dr. Who.
Funeral Plans for King Charles "Dusted Off" as Source Says His Condition Is "Not Good"
–– Palace denies claims they've considered recycling Elizabeth's casket.
After Joaquin Phoenix’s Napoleon Portrayal Was Called ‘Truly Terrible,’ The Historical Advisor On Ridley Scott's Film Is Speaking Out
–– ‘He was period-appropriately awful.’
New York Yankees manager Aaron Boone ejected after apparent case of mistaken identity and spat with umpire
–– Blind ump mistook for Daniel Boone.
An ode to perhaps the greatest Jewish baseball player on Passover
–– Greenberg no schnook other days of year.
Tiger Woods gets $100m equity payment for staying loyal to PGA Tour
–– Imagine if he'd won more than one major in last 16 years?
‘Americans just work harder’ than Europeans, says CEO of Norway’s $1.6 trillion oil fund, because they have a higher ‘general level of ambition’
–– We say, 'Norway, José!'
Blades fall off Moulin Rouge windmill in Paris
–– Drop like ecdysiast’s fans.
Restaurants Don’t Want Your Party of Six
–– So hide the little guy under your coat.
What Happens to Your Body When You Eat Peanut Butter Regularly
–– We prefer smearing on our noses.
11 Foods You Should Always Score Before Cooking, According To Chefs
–– 11. Green Onions, 8. Savoy Truffles, 4. Brown Sugar, 1. Tutti Frutti.
Perkasie PorchFest can't go on as planned May 11. Here's why town pulled plug
–– Was read veranda rights.
A Passover Pleasure: Matzo Pizza
–– Shonda rest of year.
Pilot proposes to flight attendant girlfriend in front of passengers
–– Co-pilot passes out, plane crashes.
460 Years Ago, Shakespeare Was Born Here. Or Somewhere.
–– Why they call NY Times ‘paper of record.’
Fact Check: The Truth About Hitler's Condition That Made Him Pass Gas a Lot
–– Please clear air.
Harbor-UCLA doctor is fired after county finds he regularly gawked at patients' genitalia
–– And he was eye surgeon!
Surgeons perform first combined heart pump and pig kidney transplant
–– Donor ‘in hog heaven.’
Dear Abby: I am attracted to my husband’s married friend — I’m starting to fall in love with him
–– Dear Homewrecker: Don't look at me.
A woman said her tattoos got her rejected for a job, but experts say personality is far more important
–– Someone needs to get her mirror.
Daily showers are purely 'performative' and have no real health benefit, experts insist
–– Especially when done at fire hydrants.
Former Wisconsin college chancellor fired over porn career is fighting to keep his faculty post
–– After his and wife's gap year.
Squatters in one of Gordon Ramsay's London restaurants say they are staying, report says
–– Smell better than anything on menu.
Behind a Vegan Chef’s Holistic Empire, an Ugly Reality
–– Have you seen slop he serves?
Mom’s heartbreaking last words as she died from poison mushroom meal
–– ‘Anyone want some mo…?’
Here’s why Harvey Weinstein’s New York rape conviction was tossed and what happens next
–– OK, we’ll say it, the freakin’ patriarchy.
What Weinstein’s Overturned Conviction Means for His California Case
–– It can’t hurt.
NJ rabbi found dead in prison decades after hiring hit men to kill his wife
–– Boy, Yahweh took his time.
L.A. student dies after safety team member allegedly does not intervene to try to prevent fight
–– Learned valuable lesson for final.
Owner of exploding Michigan building arrested at airport while trying to leave US, authorities say
–– This week in Coinkydinks.
Man convicted in killing of two Dartmouth professors is set to be released on parole
–– May resume classes.
Diver pinned under water by an alligator figured he had choice: Lose his arm or lose his life
–– Wave bye-bye.
Opinion | Dogs are our greatest creation. And we might be theirs.
–– Dogs or gods?
No, there is no federal law banning the ownership of pit bulls | Fact check
–– That's leash Congress could do.
An arthritis drug helps old dogs, but some owners worry about side effects
–– And learning new tricks.
Ohio company to sell a ‘flamethrower-wielding robot dog’ called the Thermonator
–– Presumably not modeled after Dalmation.
Chiropractor works on giraffe, is nuzzled: ‘Giraffes are just giant dogs?’
–– He’s clearly not vet.
Why Your Vet Bill Is So High
–– Ex-GI cousin living with you developed expensive tastes in Kandahar.
Escaped army horses run amok in central London
–– And a mile.
Riding the baddest bulls made him a legend. Then one broke his neck.
–– With garrote.
Baffling (yet adorable) footage of a Tasmanian wombat foraging in the ocean has scientists stumped
–– Adorable (yet meaningless.)
See how parents got more than they bargained for after gifting son an octopus
–– Y’think?
Lab mice might be doing their own experiments
–– Investigators find fragments of itsy-bitsy test tubes.
1 in 5 samples of pasteurized milk had bird flu virus fragments, FDA says
–– Pasteur due date?
This 8-foot-long ‘saber-toothed’ salmon wasn’t quite what we thought
–– Was BS exactly like we thought.
Giant Ancient Snake Found In India Could Have Been As Long As A T. Rex
–– Or a Model T. Or whatever.
Archaeologists Found Two Epic Treasures Under the Floors of George Washington’s Mansion
–– Neither one wood polish for teeth.
Archaeologists Found a Smoking Gun Behind the End of the Maya Kingdom’s Reign
–– Aztecs had musket?
A dentist found an ancient human jawbone embedded in his parents’ tile floor
–– Wouldn’t extract without insurance.
Scotland Made Big Climate Pledges. Now They’re ‘Out of Reach.’
–– Ower th' brae 'n' far awa'.
Skies turn orange over Athens as hot Saharan dust sweeps Mediterranean
–– Forecast looks less peachy.
New Delhi chokes as trash mountain fire spreads hazardous fumes
–– Plans for Trash Mountain flume suspended.
