Time In Memorial
Week of 05/24/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
5 things to know about Memorial Day, including its evolution and controversies
–– 1. Dead is dead.
Raisi’s Death Threatens New Instability for Iran
–– Just when they really had shit together.
Cognitive Decline? Trump Melts Down After Reports on Freezing Episode
–– Cold as ass.
Defense rests without ex-President Trump taking the witness stand in his New York hush money trial
–– Must be exhausted toting his manure for five weeks.
Trump’s Social Media Company Posts Q1 Revenue of $770,500 and Net Loss of $327.6 Million
–– Average Trump split.
SE Cupp: Nikki Haley’s mind-boggling U-turn on Trump
–– To boggle you first need mind.
Donald Trump’s Potential VP List Now Includes Tom Cotton, the Guy Who’s Called for Vigilante Justice on Protesters and Ripping People’s Skin Off: Report
–– Cotton’s to him?
Donald Trump Tells Bronx Rally Of His Heroic Wardrobe Struggles
–– Just getting trousers on must be epic.
Senate again fails to advance border security bill in election-year showdown vote
–– Wall-to-wall carping.
Mortgage rates fall for the third straight week, dipping below 7%
–– Realtors, ‘Damn Biden!’
Ohio governor calls special session to ensure Biden gets on ballot
–– Perfectly normal to have to protect right of sitting president to run for own office.
4 big questions as Bob Menendez’s corruption trial enters its second week
–– 3. Is one of charges gold-bricking?
Here's Why Everyone Is Calling Marjorie Taylor Greene "Bleach-Blonde, Bad-Built, Butch Body"
–– Truth in advertising?
Greene posts workout video after Crockett fundraising crack
–– Bad body bitch built.
Boebert ridiculed for fumbling sign of the cross during House Oversight Committee hearing
–– Was trying to sign inverted crucifix of Satanists.
A Different Way of Seeing Justice Alito’s Blame-the-Wife Defense
–– Wait, check that –– there’s only perspective of cowardly liar.
Samuel Alito Dumped Bud Light Stock at Quite a Suspicious Time
–– Brett Kavanaugh outraged when he heard he dumped beer.
Sununu slams Dem governors: Newsom's ‘just a prick’
–– Son of dick should know.
Opinion | Young voters aren’t as liberal as you think
–– Yeah, you, progressive with worm in brain.
Fani Willis campaigns to keep her job — and continue prosecuting Trump
–– After already demonstrating soundness of judgment.
Fat Leonard bribery cases fall apart because of prosecution blunders
–– Slim hopes for punishment.
Governor signs bill classifying abortion pills as controlled substances into law
–– Removed syringe filled with heroin to do so.
Texas doctor who said nine-year-olds can safely give birth appointed to maternal mortality committee
–– First order of business marriage licenses for kiddies.
Factbox-What happens if an Iranian president dies in office?
–– Or in helicopter crash?
The Death of Iran’s President Does Not Bode Well
–– For upcoming birthday party.
‘Technical failure’ caused helicopter crash that killed Iran’s president, state media says
–– God of Abraham refuses credit?
After Raisi’s Death, Speculation Over Succession Turns to Ayatollah’s Son
–– A-hole doesn’t fall far from tree.
I Carried Out the Strike That Killed Soleimani. America Doesn’t Understand the Lesson of His Death.
–– It's not like it was rocket science… ohh…
Iran hangs two women as surge in executions intensifies: NGO
–– For necking?
International Criminal Court Prosecutor Requests Warrants for Netanyahu and Hamas Leaders
–– To share double billing.
Biden criticizes ‘outrageous’ ICC arrest warrant ask for Israeli leaders
–– Demands instant replay review from Hague.
What is the ICJ, the U.N. court ordering Israel to halt Rafah offensive?
–– Ever heard term 'empty vessel'?
Germany ‘would arrest Netanyahu if ICC issues a warrant’
–– Still have old SS uniforms in storage.
Opinion | If Biden thinks Israel’s liberals are doves, he’s dreaming
–– Left out in cold.
With Europe’s support, North African nations push migrants to the desert
–– Do provide each family with bottle of Evian.
Russia unlikely to 'swallow the West whole', Hungary's Orban says
–– ‘But I tell Putin I would swallow your west hole.’
Courteney Cox Says Matthew Perry Visits Her “A Lot” After His Death
–– Still trying to bum dope?
Demi Moore on Full Frontal Nudity With Margaret Qualley in ‘The Substance’: ‘A Very Vulnerable Experience’ but I Had a ‘Great Partner Who I Felt Very Safe With’
–– ‘I’ve been like this with my vanity for years.’
Mick Jagger Jokes About Stormy Daniels, Celebrates His Own ‘F-king Sandwich’ at Rolling Stones’ New Jersey Concert
–– Big Mick with special sores?
Kevin Costner Can’t Hold Back Tears as His Western Epic ‘Horizon’ Earns 7-Minute Cannes Standing Ovation, Promises ‘3 More’ Installments
–– Audience just saddle sore after sitting though it.
Jeff Daniels Says Agents Wanted Him Off ‘Dumb and Dumber’; He Feared Toilet Scene Might End His Career Until Jim Carrey Said: ‘It’s Going to Be Great … Go All the Way With It’
–– Dump and dump 'im.
Actress Barbara Eden, 92, Glows in a Cherry Red Blazer and Wedge Heels on Rare Outing
–– After hitting bottle.
Trump Campaign Vows To Sue ‘The Apprentice’ Filmmakers Over Scene Of Ivana Trump Rape By Then-Real Estate Mogul
–– Ivana turn away.
Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs Admits to Assaulting Cassie in 2016 Video: ‘I Was F—ed Up’
–– Well, that explains it.
Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs apologizes over video of assault: ‘I hit rock bottom’
–– Just wait.
Selena Gomez, Zoe Saldaña and Karla Sofía Gascón on Crafting Cannes Standout ‘Emilia Pérez’: ‘This Movie Is About the Power of Femininity’
–– Did multiple award-winning director/co-screenwriter Jacques Audiard have anything to do with it?
Tina Knowles Says Beyoncé Gave Sage Advice to Blue Ivy After Haters Bashed Her Performance: 'Go and Work Harder'
–– Or, ‘I agree.’
Eddie Vedder Calls Harrison Butker a ‘F—ing P—y’ Mid-Concert Over Sexist Speech: ‘There’s Nothing More Masculine Than a Strong Man Supporting a Strong Woman’
–– Didn’t Butker up.
Sophie Turner Denied Rumors Of Buccal Fact Removal And Explained How Her Eating Disorder Led To Her Face Changing
–– Buccal’s under.
‘Seinfeld’ Star Michael Richards Says ‘I’m Not Racist’ or ‘Looking for a Comeback,’ Nearly 18 Years After Racist Outburst: ‘I Have Nothing Against Black People’
–– 'Not that there's anything wrong with that.'
‘The Floodgates Opened’: How Paul Scheer Confronted Childhood Trauma in His New Memoir
–– And this trickled out.
George Lucas Rejects ‘Star Wars’ Critics Who Think the Films Are All White Men’: ‘Most of the People Are Aliens!’
–– Yeah, Lucas, but entitled ones!
Taylor Swift’s cats have condition that causes constant pain, say experts
–– They can hear her sing.
Why King Charles and Prince Willian Have Suddenly Canceled All Their Royal Engagements
–– Lightly-trained monkeys to take place.
Former Red Sox pitcher arrested in Florida in an underage sex sting, sheriff says
–– Low balled.
Caitlin Clark’s expletive-filled outburst leads to 1st career technical foul as Fever remain winless
–– Our hero!
Antonio Brown files for bankruptcy despite a reported $80 million in NFL career earnings
–– Spiked fortune.
In Berlin, a painter of angst and isolation draws crowds for his 250th
–– Berlin mostly crowds of angst, isolation.
I Cannot Overstate How Hilarious These 21 Tweets By Women Are
–– But just did.
Heart checkups you should have and those you can probably skip
–– A beat?
Weight-loss promoters are reeling after TikTok crackdown
–– No loss.
ADHD diagnoses are rising. 1 in 9 U.S. kids have gotten one, new study finds
–– Way more than who score As in English.
Doctors Are Still Figuring Out Adult A.D.H.D.
–– Taking so long because they have.
I slept in my car and showered in the factory to work 12-hour shifts at Tesla. I still got laid off after 5 years.
–– Nobody likes sucker.
Could Brittany Hensel Feel Jealousy When Conjoined Twin Abby Is Having Sex? Intimacy Expert Weighs In
–– Could his friends?
I’m an American mom living in France. I've never seen a screen out during meal time and French kids are always well-dressed.
–– Know how to raise oui ones.
Helping My Best Friend’s Husband Collect a Sperm Sample Was the Hottest Hand Job Ever
–– Was spurt of the moment decision.
My Boyfriend Gave Me the Green Light for a Sexy Photoshoot. He Doesn’t Know the Full Story.
–– Back alley traffic's strictly red light.
I Need to Tell My Daughter That Her Days of Nudity Must Come to an End
–– She’s 52, can’t keep breasts out of soup at restaurant.
Almost 2 months after it destroyed Baltimore’s Key Bridge, the Dali cargo ship has been moved and docked. Here’s what’s next
–– In surreal scene.
Just how dangerous is turbulence?
–– Depends if you’re upset.
What is BORG drinking, and why is it a dangerous trend? An expert explains
–– Refreshment is futile.
How Red Lobster’s misguided endless shrimp promotion drove it into bankruptcy
–– Dumbo shrimp.
‘No pickles? No deli’: archetypal American ‘secular Jewish space’ gains due regard
–– Schmear mortals ryes above it.
You’ll Never Guess What Jacques Pépin Puts on His Hot Dogs
–– Salt and Pépin!
This McDonald's burger from 1995 is perfectly intact — and even rats won't eat it
–– And their special sauce is pus.
Teleport Yourself to the Streets of Thailand With These Party Meatballs
–– Those wack jobs screw up every get-together.
Boy Scouts love this scenic Va. river. Locals say they’re ruining it.
–– Love peeing in it.
Kenyan mountaineer dead and Nepali sherpa missing after trying to summit Everest without supplemental oxygen
–– Live, er, and learn.
Whoever Figures Out How to Remove Microplastics From the Human Body Is Going to Make a Fortune
–– We’re betting on tiny vacuum cleaners.
He fell ill on a cruise. Before he boarded the rescue boat, they handed him the bill
–– If he didn’t pay, would set adrift on inner tube.
Florida priest accused of biting a woman during communion
–– Thought she said, ‘take, eat.’
Killer whales keep ramming and sinking boats. Scientists now may know why, report says
–– We now may doubt it.
New Zealand Man Who Belly Flopped Onto Orca Learns His Fate
–– Let out killer wail.
Puppy Abandoned Tied to Pole in Parking Lot in Pennsylvania
–– Staś called authorities when he couldn’t undo knot.
New study confirms most dogs ‘hate’ this human show of affection
–– Nude spooning.
Veterinarian Explains What Pets Want Before They Pass & It's Devastating
–– Humans to smell it.
Penguin Chick's Excitement Over Ball Pit at Akron Zoo Wins the Internet
–– Coupon for free pizza would be better prize.
Crows can count much in the same way as human toddlers, scientists say
–– On their fingers, toes?
What scientists learned after reconstructing DNA of extinct New Zealand bird
–– Absolutely nothing.
They have arrived! Millions of cicadas emerge over weekend in Western Springs
–– After us writing continuously about reappearance since for 13 years.
'One in a million': 2 blue-eyed cicadas spotted in Illinois as 2 broods swarm the state
–– Offered modeling contracts.
What’s the biggest crab in the world?
–– Not Larry David?
Rare fish that lives in complete darkness washes ashore on Oregon beach
–– With eyes closed!
New discovery shows how scales became feathers in dinosaurs
–– You nutty paleontologists are not gonna give up on the bird-brained theory, are ya? They're freakin' lizards!
Hundreds of mammoth bones discovered in Austrian wine cellar
–– Dumb beasts couldn't open bottles with tusks.
Archaeologists Found an ‘Anomaly’ Near the Pyramids That May Reveal an Ancient Portal
–– Waking from nightmare after watching Stargate.
Metal detectorist unearths 700-year-old artifact linked to young king, photo shows
–– Royal binky.
Boeing continues to struggle with spacecraft problems ahead of human flight
–– Make that human fright.
A Plasma Rocket From Nasa Could Send Humans to Mars in Just 2 months
–– Wish it existed.
Why this company is turning 6 million pounds of glass back into sand
–– Booming Tibetan sand mandala sector?
‘It’s in our rivers and in our cups. There’s no escape’: the deadly spread of salt water in Bangladesh
–– Sounds like you're in your cups, alright.
Water temps soar in Florida Keys. Can coral reefs stand another bout of extreme heat?
–– No, they’re gonna melt.
Former Train bassist Charlie Colin, 58, died after slipping in the shower. Here's why experts say bathrooms are uniquely hazardous places.
–– Bop bath and beyond.
Morgan Spurlock, documentary filmmaker behind 'Super Size Me,' dies at 53
–– Don’t tell us it was Big Macs.
Ivan Boesky, epitome of Wall Street trading scandal, dies at 87
–– It's bull market in Hell.
