JC Puny
Week of 06/14/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Compares Trump To Jesus And All Hell Breaks Loose
–– Didn’t Jesus get Judas to pay Mary Magdalene hush money?
Vladimir Putin’s soft underbelly has been revealed
–– We’ve already seen flabby titties.
For Trump, Doug Burgum Emerges as a Safe Option, and a Wild Card
–– Only question, ‘is he fully dumb enough?’
Trump Demands Biden Remove Ad of Him Calling Dead Soldiers ‘Suckers’ and ‘Losers’
–– He’s always projecting.
Donald Trump Reveals Why Son Barron Won't Have 'Hurtful Conversation' About His Guilty Verdict
–– Believes parenting is about consistency –– lie about everything.
Democrats seize on disputed report that Trump called Milwaukee ‘horrible’
–– Milwaukee bruisers.
Hunter Biden Gun Case Goes to Jury as Prosecutors Wrap Up Closing Arguments
–– Dopin’ and shut case.
MAGA Nation Finds Reason to Be Furious Over Hunter Biden Conviction
–– Was convinced punishment for offense was drawing, quartering.
Johnson says House will go to court for Biden recordings after DOJ says it won’t prosecute AG Garland
–– Hit rewhined.
Tiffany Haddish Bumped Foreheads With Joe Biden And Caught His Smell
–– Must’ve been quite the collision.
Opinion / In calling out Trump, Harris finds her mission
–– So quit WH, get own talk show.
Obama Marks Milestone in Construction of Presidential Center
–– Building Barack by Barack.
Supreme Court retains full access to key abortion medication mifepristone
–– Is one of lady justices preggers?
Supreme Court rejects ‘Trump Too Small’ trademark
–– Couldn’t wrap hands around it.
Supreme Court strikes down Trump-era ban on bump stocks, gun accessories used in 2017 Vegas massacre
–– Feels there just aren't enough death penalty cases in system.
Opinion: Mocking Trump’s appearance reveals an ugly truth
–– Am pathetic.
Justice Alito’s Wife, in Secretly Recorded Conversation, Complains About Pride Flag
–– Tried hanging upside down, but still looked like rainbow.
In Secret Recordings, Alito Endorses Nation of ‘Godliness.’ Roberts Talks of Pluralism.
–– Next to Canada's 'Cleanliness.'
Clarence Thomas raised him 'as a son.' Now he's facing 25-plus years on weapons and drug charges.
–– Blessedly had time to impart values.
New documents show unreported trips by Justice Clarence Thomas
–– Why he acts high as f**k?
Tesla shareholders to vote whether Elon Musk deserves billions judge struck down
–– Testing Musk rat love.
Blinken expresses frustration at changes to Gaza ceasefire deal requested by Hamas
–– Holding out until actual death count of countrymen equals estimates.
US intelligence suggests Sinwar believes Hamas has upper hand in negotiations with Israel, officials say
–– Upper hand seventy feet underground, but y'know…
Ukraine shows even the toughest tanks can't go to war anymore without cage armor to shield them from exploding drones
–– What a great lesson.
Israeli minister Benny Gantz resigns from war cabinet in blow to Netanyahu
–– Gantz with the wind.
G7 vows action against 'unfair' China business practices
–– Or 'Chinese business practices.'
How Pope Francis became the AI ethicist for world leaders and tech titans
–– G7 couldn’t find anyone older.
Stephen Colbert and Whoopi Goldberg Met the Pope in the Vatican. No Joke.
–– The hee-hee-heathens?
It's OK to joke about God but don't offend, Pope tells comedians
–– 'He's a gotta t'in skin.'
France’s Macron defends decision on snap legislative elections, urges voters to defeat far-right
–– And make oui-oui.
Brawl breaks out in Italian Parliament ahead of G-7 summit
–– The goon hits your eye like a big pizza pie.
JoJo Siwa Drinks From Vodka Bottle at L.A. Pride and Drags Online Troll Who Called Her a Man: ‘I F—ed More Girls Than Him’
–– We’re all proud of different things.
Steamboat Willie Horror Film ‘Screamboat’ Casts ‘Terrifier’ Star David Howard Thornton as Murderous Mouse (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Mickey mental.
A new Disney ride opens soon, splashing right out of the culture wars
–– Soke.
‘Hit Man’ Says Contract Killers Aren’t Real. Here’s the Truth.
–– Not real.
Bewitched Star Elizabeth Montgomery Once Made an Insulting Remark About Her Husband's Penis While Babysitting Griffin Dunne
–– Could not ride like broomstick.
Céline Dion Took Up to 90 Milligrams of Valium During Health Struggles: 'It Could Have Been Fatal' (Exclusive)
–– Or nearly twice her weight.
Goldie Hawn says 'LA is terrible' after becoming victim to multiple home break-ins in 4-month span
–– Reserves judgment on Milwaukee.
Dakota Johnson Says Her Neighbor Sean Penn Once Left His Flip Flops at Her House for Three Months
–– Wow, real Hollywood Babylon anecdote.
Russell Crowe at 60: “I’ve Got a Sh** Ton of Regrets”
–– It’s called filmography.
Russell Crowe Says Actors Expecting Comic Book Movies to Be ‘Life-Changing Events’ Are ‘Here for the Wrong Reasons’: ‘These Are Jobs. Here’s Your Role, Play the Role’
–– 'As broadly, idiotically as possible.'
Dick Van Dyke Makes History as Oldest Daytime Emmys Winner Ever, at 98
–– But younger than average Days of Our Lives viewer.
Jon Cryer Says He Isn't Still Mistaken for Fellow '80s Heartthrob Matthew Broderick: 'He Has Hair' (Exclusive)
–– More recently for Egghead.
Jennifer Lopez, Bad Bunny and Justin Timberlake are struggling to sell concert tickets: Here’s why
–– Musical taste?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: It’s a “Red Flag” When Comedians “Complain About Political Correctness”
–– Comment not spun-worthy.
Four Tops Singer Sues Hospital After They Didn't Believe He Was in Legendary Group and Ordered Psych Evaluation
–– Thought he was loco in Acapulco.
‘Late Night With Seth Meyers’ Is Losing Its House Band
–– In new definition of ‘loss.’
Pat Sajak Passes ‘Wheel of Fortune’ Hosting Baton to Ryan Seacrest and Tells Him: ‘You’re Never Going to Find a Better Job’ or ‘a Better Co-Host’ in Vanna White
–– Was that stick up ass?
Kevin Spacey Says He Owes ‘Many Millions’ in Legal Fees and Has No Money as Home Goes Into Foreclosure: ‘I’m Not Sure Where I’m Going to Live Now’
–– House of cards?
‘Shogun’ Creators Tease Going Beyond James Clavell’s Book and “Darker Chapter” for Season 2
–– And just ‘make shit up.’
Animal that was model for Donkey in ‘Shrek’ is ailing. Fans stepped in.
–– Shot him.
Young Thug's defense lawyer placed in custody
–– Middle-aged thug.
Talking Heads’ Tina Weymouth Says ‘The Band Wasn’t Started by David Alone’ in Tense Moment at Brooklyn Reunion
–– Yeah, right, like she was burning down the house.
Simon Cowell credits his son for saving him from a ‘downward spiral’
–– Used as human trampoline.
Random Man on the Street Turns Out to Be the Fonz AGAIN
–– Man behind mic Richie Cunningham!
Man arrested, charged with voyeurism at Taylor Swift’s Eras tour show in Edinburgh
–– Didn't he pay to gawk?
Katie Holmes Doesn’t Get the Fascination With Her Style
–– We finally get Katie Holmes.
Who Is a ‘Rodent Man’?
–– Ratso risible.
“We’re Looking to Be More Aggressive”: Teamsters Leader Lindsay Dougherty Reveals Her Approach to 2024’s Negotiations
–– More aggressive than old days when they carted opponents to dump?
Prince Harry and Estranged Father King Charles Are ‘Closer Than Ever’ Amid Health Crisis
–– Can now bear to be in adjoining rooms.
Insiders Claim Prince Harry Is Reportedly ‘Pulling Strings With His Own Contacts’ for Meghan Markle’s Potential Next Era
–– As a puppet.
‘A deep moral rot’: Coast Guard leader grilled by senators at hearing on sexual assault cover-up
–– Sink to new low.
Opinion | I’m a single mom. This Father’s Day, I celebrate the bonus dads.
–– Who whisper, ‘Who’s your Daddy?’’
Get Z Thinks Everyone Is Doing the Heart Sign Wrong
–– We do with just middle finger.
Legs up: Photographer Juergen Teller’s playful take on an age-old fertility myth
–– Photo spread?
His ‘Death by Chocolate’ Cake Will Live Forever
–– After killing him.
Anthony Bourdain's 5-Ingredient Sandwich Is My Favorite—It's So Delicious
–– With dead meat?
The Best Girl Scout Cookie for Your Zodiac Sign
–– Are you Do-Si-Do with S'more rising?
Nathan’s hot dog eating champ Joey Chestnut out of this year’s contest over vegan beef… sponsorship
–– Made from chestnuts!
Hot dog eating champs Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi to face off on Netflix
–– Netflix and ill.
No Tables for Anyone Under 30 at This St. Louis-Area Restaurant
–– Nor entree.
Howard Schultz, former Starbucks CEO, says Steve Jobs ‘screamed in his face’ telling him to fire his entire leadership team—and he was right
–– And he was drinking decaf tea.
Foraging on Public Lands Is Becoming More Limited
–– Not foraging ahead?
People Who Were Introverted as Children Usually Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
–– 6. Ability to tell researchers to f**k off.
The ‘bottom whisperer’ will see you now. Back there.
–– Be sure to 'whistle' back.
I Have Incontinence. How Can I Avoid Accidents When I Leave Home?
–– Piss off.
If You Know What ‘Brainrot’ Means, You Might Already Have It
–– Or lived in America since advent of television.
Woman Thought Baby's Facial Feature Was Trait from Dad, Then Realizes It's Symptom of Childhood Dementia (Exclusive)
–– Her thinking it was trait from dad?
The Disturbing Truth About Hair Relaxer
–– Will make your toes curl.
I Had a Difficult Childhood. It Made Me an Amazing Employee.
–– In S&M dungeon.
She’s Fighting to Save America’s ‘Last Best Place’ From Suicide
–– If Montana’s ‘last, best place’, we’ll kill ourselves.
Vintage polaroids of female prisoners paint an intimate picture of womanhood and identity
–– Only interested if they include Pam Grier.
US man dies after being electrocuted in jacuzzi in Mexico resort tow
–– Talk about hot tub.
Violence erupts inside and outside Walt Disney Concert Hall during graduation event
–– Group didn't know how to conduct selves.
She Was Pronounced Dead –– Then They Found Her Gasping for Air in a Body Bag
–– Asked if she would please make up mind.
Why avoiding light blue, green swimsuits could be life-saving
— Sharks simply loathe those colors.
‘A unicorn’ of a cat discovered at Oregon shelter. Find out why the kitten is so rare
–– Horn in middle of forehead?
Why a 3-Legged Lion and His Brother Swam Across a Crocodile-Filled River
–– Paw excuse: to get to other side.
Every Elephant Has Its Own Name, Study Suggests
–– None Dumbo.
Scientists Found the Tiniest Great Ape Ever—and It Could Change Human Evolution
–– Is that like jumbo shrimp?
A giant 'sunbathing' fish that washed ashore in Oregon turned out to be an unexpected oddity
–– Despite ‘sunbathing’ being typical fish behavior.
Is This the First Recorded Footage of a Colossal Squid Living Freely
–– Caught on CCTV at Salty Spitoon spending money like drunken sailor.
More centuries-old bottles of fruit found at George Washington’s home
–– Martha too polite to tell dinner guests to stop bringing.
Ramesses II’s lost sarcophagus was hiding in plain sight, research suggests
–– Ram I sees or I don't.
Uranus In 4K - James Webb Space Telescope Sees The Planet, Rings And Moons
–– And gerbil you shoved up there.
Apollo 8 astronaut William Anders who took iconic ‘Earthrise’ photo dies in plane crash
–– Earth rose too fast.
Experts urge people to fish and eat crab species invading coastlines and wreaking havoc: 'One of the most invasive species in the marine environment'
–– If only Red Lobster could feature Infinite Crabs.
This word was rejected by geologists. But it’s already taken over the world.
–– We just heard frustrated Uber driver exclaim, 'Whatta you expect, it's the Anthropocene?'
Ancient Genomes Reveal Which Children the Maya Selected for Sacrifice
–– In heartless acts.
Harvard Scientists Say There May Be an Unknown, Technologically Advanced Civilization Hiding on Earth
–– Or in their heads.
Heavy rain and ‘life-threatening flooding’ hit South Florida, prompting the governor to declare an emergency
–– When weathercasters mention 'climate change.'
Environmental Group to Study Effects of Artificially Cooling Earth
–– With absolutely massive ice maker.
El Niño is dead. Here’s what to expect in the coming months
–– Pretty cold head about infanticide.
Tony Lo Bianco, Actor in ‘The French Connection’ and ‘The Seven-Ups,’ Dies at 87
–– Put away for life.
