Dork & Stormy
Week of 04/12/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Stormy Daniels: Woman at center of Trump hush money trial is porn star-turned-ghostbuster
–– And reformed Trumphumper.
Trump’s $175 Million Bond Is Even Shadier Than It Looks
–– Co-signed by 'Gary U.S. Bonds.'
Trump said abortion laws should be left to the states: 'It's all about will of the people'
–– ‘And the fact I might someday need to dump a sucker.’
Georgia Trump Prosecutor Urges Appeals Court to Decline Disqualification Case
–– Doesn't want to get her affair in order?
"Nowhere to go": Experts say Judge Cannon reversed herself because Smith had her "dead to rights"
–– Judge had to actually follow law?
The internet is having a blast with these photos of Melania Trump looking peeved at a fundraiser
–– Arresting bitch face.
Montana GOP Senate candidate says he lied to ranger about gunshot wound in 2015
–– Sounds like it might’ve been in head.
Trump wildly claims Biden ‘soiled’ himself on White House Resolute desk in latest baseless rant
–– While he kept looking for corner of Oval Office to piss in.
Where Kamala Harris Lives, a Little-Known History of Enslavement
–– We know Administration's held her back, but, c'mon…
Biden and Kishida Agree to Tighten Military and Economic Ties to Counter China
–– Signing ceremony unexpectedly set to Kesha.
How ‘All in the Family’ Explains Biden’s Strength Among Seniors
–– Archie bunk.
Woman sentenced to prison for stealing and selling Biden’s daughter’s diary
–– Where she'll have plenty of time to fill hers.
The U.S. counterintelligence head says the list of threats is long and getting longer
–– ‘In case you had any thought of cutting our gargantuan budget.’
Scathing Kevin McCarthy says he was ousted as Speaker because Gaetz allegedly ‘slept with a 17-year-old’
–– Legally blunt.
Saying prosecutors should focus on Antifa, judge frees white supremacist in beating
–– The aiee! for an oy! code.
NYC will pay $17.5M to settle lawsuit alleging women were forced to remove hijabs in mugshots
–– Epic veil.
Latter-day Saints leader addresses congregants without a word on racial or LGBTQ+ issues
–– Apparently wheelchair-bound 99-year-old didn’t speak word about anything.
Vatican Document Casts Gender Change and Fluidity as Threat to Human Dignity
–– And pedophilia as ‘diversion.’
Greene defends claim that eclipse, earthquake signs to repent
–– In loonier eclipse.
Pediatrician on way to see solar eclipse dies after falling out of Airstream: Reports
–– Briefly saw stars.
Charles Barkley Has Something to Say to the ‘Losers’ Who Watched Monday’s Eclipse
–– Blinking ridiculous.
Baltimore bridge collapse could wipe out emergency federal highway fund
–– Feds need bridge loan?
Former Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot hired to investigate so-called 'worst mayor in America' at $400 an hour
–– Expert witless.
‘Hamas financier’ found riddled with bullets in Lebanon villa
–– Mossad, 'Riddle me that!'
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson raises eyebrows after saying he regrets endorsing Biden in 2020
–– Raising own eyebrow is only thing we trust him to do.
Did Lauren Sánchez Break White House Protocol in $2,300 Skin-Baring Gown at State Dinner?
–– With Jeff Bazooms.
Angelina Jolie Had a Rare Night Out With Her 20-Year-Old Son Pax
–– Pax it in.
Meek Mill Says Rumors About His Sexuality Have Started To Affect His 12-Year-Old Son
–– He's like, 'Eek! I'm ill!'
The deeply silly, extremely serious rise of ‘Alpha Male’ Nick Adams
–– Alpha dork.
Matt Lauer and Girlfriend Shamin Abas Hold Hands During Rare Outing at Don Lemon's N.Y.C. Wedding
–– Who’d they out, Lemon or husband?
‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ Finale Recreates ‘Seinfeld,’ Divides Fans: ‘Most Larry David Thing Ever’
–– Has anyone released Michael Richards yet?
Rebel Wilson Says There’s No Amount of Money That Will Get Her to Work With Sacha Baron Cohen Again
–– No amount of money will get him to offer her any amount of money.
All Six of ‘The Omen’ Movies, Ranked
–– From 0 to -6.
’Bewitched’ star Elizabeth Montgomery walked away from hit series for this reason, author claims
–– Why didn’t she use broomstick?
Why Did Halle Berry Learn How To Skin A Squirrel Ahead Of Thriller ‘Never Let Go’?
–– She knew catering would stink?
Mel Gibson Emotionally Admits He and Robert Downey Jr. Wouldn’t ‘Exist’ Without Each Other
–– Two pees in a specimen jar.
Clint Eastwood 93, spotted in rare appearance at event with Jane Goodall
–– Clyde his plus one.
Olympic 'Blade Runner' Oscar Pistorius who shot girlfriend struggles to find job after prison time: report
–– Hasn't tried monster.com?
Country star Morgan Wallen arrested after throwing chair off rooftop for 'no legitimate purpose,' police say
–– Old lady on street didn’t need seat?
Zendaya Says She Got “Really Lightheaded” While Wearing Viral Mugler Robotic Bodysuit
–– Writer got really really lightheaded in reporting this.
Nicola Peltz Beckham, a billionaire’s daughter, made a movie about abject poverty. It’s as bad as you think
–– Abject of contempt.
’28 Years Later’: Nia DaCosta in Talks to Direct Second Film in Sony Trilogy
–– One Marvels at second chance.
Actor Jonathan Majors sentenced to probation, avoiding jail time for assaulting ex-girlfriend
–– Not Majors offense?
Model Named as Sex Worker in Lil Rod's Lawsuit Against Diddy Refutes Claim as 'False Allegations'
–– Lil Rod big dick?
Kelsea Ballerini Goes Pantsless at the CMTs and Fires Back at Critics: ‘It Looks Hot, Period’
–– Did she keep on toe shoes?
‘Golden Bachelor’ Star Gerry Turner and Theresa Nist to Divorce Three Months After Wedding
–– So soon after Golden Shower!
Phish is a jam band run by a control freak. That’s perfect for the Sphere.
–– Renamed Phish bowl?
Sheryl Crow’s Financial Woes: ‘It’s the End of the Music Business as She Once Knew It’
–– Has to eat Crow?
Britney Spears would make $100M a year on OnlyFans, expert says — after pop icon vowed she’d ‘never return to the music industry’
–– Before she disSpears.
‘Dawn of the Dead’ at 45: A Zombie Love Affair That Never Died
–– Deader than ever.
Jessica Alba Steps Down as the Honest Company’s Chief Creative Officer
–– We honestly don’t care.
Jenny McCarthy Says She Prayed for a Man Who Was Not 'Half-Baked' Before Meeting Husband Donnie Wahlberg
–– He was totally high.
Dave Chappelle Says Dinner With Kanye West And “Naked” Bianca Censori Was “Uncomfortable”
–– Especially when he requested milk for coffee.
Chris Farley Biopic in the Works With Paul Walter Hauser to Star, Josh Gad to Direct
–– Producers hoping to find 'brave caterer.'
Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan announce two new Netflix series, including a lifestyle show
–– Lifestyles of the Rich and Fame Lust.
The Record-Breaking Number Of Beers That Andre The Giant Could Drink
–– Only matched by urinals he destroyed.
How NBA star Sean Elliott switched to a kidney-friendly diet
–– We don’t give a piss.
Stephen Strasburg retires, will be paid remainder of contract after standoff with Nationals
–– Nationals' debt.
‘Fraud on a massive scale’: Baseball star Shohei Ohtani’s ex-interpreter faces federal charge after allegedly stealing $16M
–– It wasn’t for hairstylist.
UConn routs Purdue to win first back-to-back men’s NCAA basketball titles since 2007
–– Wow, since Dark Ages?
Tiger Woods looks like a Masters afterthought. Just don’t tell him that.
–– OK, we’ll keep in mind at brunch tomorrow.
Q: Who Found a Way to Crack the U.K.’s Premier Quiz Show
–– A: Who gives fig?
I Used AI To Turn 27 Disney Characters Into Dogs, And They're So Cute I Wanna Cry
–– Utterly fake tears.
David Chang’s Momofuku draws heat over its ‘chile crunch’ trademark
–– FOMO cuckoo.
Consumer Reports says Lunchables ‘should not be allowed on menu’ for schools, petitions USDA for removal
–– Should not be allowed near actual food.
In-N-Out’s billionaire heiress says she stood in line for 2 hours to land a job at her own store when she was just a teenager to shake the ‘stigma of being the owner’s kid’ and ‘earn respect’
–– Even offered to pay for gas in waiting limo.
Watch Out For The 'Can You Hear Me?' Phone Scam Happening Now
–– Can we listen for, instead?
Is Apple Cider Vinegar Really a Cure-All?
–– Who besides Johnny Appleseed thinks so?
The Troubling Trend in Teenage Sex
–– You must be choking.
Dear Abby: My terminally ill wife is cheating on me — I want to leave but I can’t
–– Abby, ‘Let her go first.’
Mount Everest: Nepal to remove trash and dead bodies from world’s tallest mountain
–– Paid for by 'Adopt-a-Really-High-Way' program.
Men punching random women in NYC: A desperate last gasp of the male rage fueling MAGA
–– In author’s iMAGAnation.
A mother releases video of her autistic son being hit by an aide on a school bus to raise awareness
–– Did it raise his awareness?
Venezuelan ‘migrant influencer’ who encouraged squatting complains from jail he’s victim of persecution
–– Comments worth squat.
Crash of 18-wheeler into Texas Department of Public Safety office was likely ‘criminal act,’ sheriff says
–– Or ‘epic bit of irony.’
Man’s dying words lead to arrest of friend accused of gunning him down, Texas cops say
–– For first time ever outside of movie.
Pacific castaways’ ‘HELP’ sign sparks US rescue mission – and an unexpected family reunion
–– See previous.
Cousin of executed inmate says his death was ‘absolutely unnecessary’
–– We want to hear from relative who was thrilled.
‘Shocking’ failures led to shooting of Richneck teacher by 6-year-old
–– Not typical revolver, 'rithing, rehab?
Woman Dies After Getting Hit by Conch Shell in Bar Fight Over Golf Cart Crash
–– Last thing she heard was ocean.
Air Force contractor who walked into moving propeller had 'inadequate training' when killed
–– ‘Walking Into Moving Propeller’ exercise reserved for advanced students.
Dog’s water bowl slurpfest overtakes owner's online meeting
–– Cheek by jowl.
Roger, a Failed Drug Dog, Becomes a Hero of Taiwan’s Quake Response
–– Whacked on coke he never turned in.
Adorable but Deadly Fluff Balls, Better Known as Pygmy Slow Lorises, Born at the Smithsonian's National Zoo
–– Or fluffer nutters.
Meet the green banded broodsac, a deadly - and frankly - weird zombie parasite that turns a snail’s eyestalks into colourful, pulsating glowsticks
–– Unlike most run-of-the-mill zombie parasites.
Can a green anaconda swallow a human? Learn all about these impressive and feared serpents, including where they live, what they eat and how they mate
–– And how they’ll eat your mate.
Ötzi the Iceman’s 61 tattoos weren’t made in the way archaeologists first thought
–– Amazed there were rub-ons in 3100BC.
Why Are Some People Left-Handed? Scientists Identify Rare Genetic Variants That May Be Linked to the Trait
–– Bah sinister.
This Man Knows Way Too Much About Area 51-and the FBI Wants to Know Why
–– Way the hell too much time on hands.
Major US lake expected to completely fill after years of historic drought: 'We're feeling very good'
–– Shastastic!
Why the death of North Sea oil is a disaster for Britain
–– Rigger mortis may set in.
Storm Kathleen waves wash over cars on Isle of Man
–– Saving residents buckets in car wash bills.
Mt. Etna Puffs Perfect Smoke Rings Into Sicilian Sky
–– Puff Daddy.
German transport minister under fire for weekend driving ban threat
–– Autobomb.
2023 was warmer than any year before it, will this year be even hotter?
–– Skorting disaster.
Comic Book Artist Dies By Suicide, Blames Online Bullying in Final Letter
–– Inked inside thought balloon.
‘1923’ actor Cole Brings Plenty found dead, police and family confirm
–– Plenty of misery.
Robert MacNeil, Earnest News Anchor for PBS, Dies at 93
–– Canada die.
O.J. Simpson, Football Player and Actor Accused of Murdering Ex-Wife, Dies at 76
–– If the casket does fit, you must bury shit.
How the O.J. Simpson murder case changed trials forever
–– For the better!
The unlikely but enduring bond between Norm Macdonald and O.J. Simpson
–– Take stab at it.
Kato Kaelin thinks O.J. Simpson was guilty, wonders if he did penance before his death
–– Should ponder why anyone would give damn about his opinion.
