A Hope in Hell
Week of 05/03/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Hope Hicks Recalls Campaign Crisis After Emergence of ‘Access Hollywood’ Tape
–– Grabs pussy on trial.
Columbia’s administrators failed crisis management 101
–– Gut-wrench course.
Trump closed his eyes during Hope Hicks' testimony. Ex-'Apprentice' contestant has theory why
— Imagining her blowing something besides his cover.
House passes GOP antisemitism bill amid college unrest
–– Zion into law.
The Student-Led Protests Aren’t Perfect. That Doesn’t Mean They’re Not Right.
–– Or that you are.
Columbia protester mocked after asking for food for occupiers
–– Strictly Halal snacks.
Colombia is the latest and largest country to sever ties with Israel
–– Columbia students claim victory.
Gazans thank US university protesters as Israel calls for students to be expelled
–– Maybe they can matriculate at Gaza City U.
Female student arrested after she chained and glued herself to a bench outside NYU Tandon School Of Engineering
–– Took top chem engineering student to free.
What is Zionism? The movement college protesters oppose, explained.
–– To them?
Judge fines Trump for violating gag order, warns of jail time as testimony continues in the criminal hush money case
–– Hush tag.
Trump Had 'Different Devices' To Keep Him Awake. You Can Guess What Happened.
–– Electrified nut clamps actually lulled to sleep.
Trump Reveals Exactly Who He’d Go After in a Second Term
–– If he can keep awake.
Prosecutors: Docs in boxes seized from Mar-a-Lago were inadvertently jumbled
–– Dermatologist in Proctologist's, vice versa.
A Trump-Rubio 2024 Ticker Could Spark a Constitutional Crisis
–– And perpetual motion joke machine.
Joe Biden Stings Trump At White House Correspondents’ Dinner: “Donald Has Had A Few Tough Days Lately. You Might Call It Stormy Weather"
–– "Or Daniels' boon."
My week sitting inches from Donald Trump – and why I nearly got thrown out of his trial
–– Wasn’t for sitting inches from Trump?
Biden just signed a potential TikTok ban into law. Here’s what happens next
–– Ink dries.
RFK Jr. ballot access consultant charged with assault
–– Stuffs ballot with enemy’s head.
Arizona Senate votes to repeal 1864 abortion ban. What it means, and what’s next.
–– Arizona has entered latter half of 19th century.
Justice Stephen Breyer's blunt message to Supreme Court conservatives: 'Slow down'
–– 'Savor the destruction of 250 years of constitutional law.'
US poised to ease restrictions on marijuana in historic shift, but it'll remain controlled substance
–– Toke turn for better.
With U.S. aid resumed, Ukraine will try to dig itself out of trouble
–– Sending thousands of shovels.
The Price We Pay for Having Upper-Class Legislators
–– And lower-class voters.
A Ukraine-born congresswoman voted no on aid. Her hometown feels betrayed.
––Kyiv until it hurts.
Canada charges three Indian nationals for assassination of Sikh separatist
–– Sikhed on him.
Sunday’s presidential election in Panama is ‘most important’ in decades, say experts
–– Don't switch that Canal.
We Sent Ralph Nader Some of Our Favorite Pens. He Dismissed Them All.
–– Insisted they were unsafe at any screed.
Drew Carey is never quitting ‘The Price Is Right’
–– Until contestants are guessing price of coffin.
Ethan Hawke Lost the Oscar for ‘Training Day’ and Denzel Washington Whispered in His Ear That Losing Was Better: ‘You Don’t Want an Award to Improve Your Status’
–– After tapping him on shoulder with statuette he just won.
Chris Pine’s latest red carpet look puts a new spin on ‘method dressing’
–– There’s Method to his modness?
Chris Hemsworth: “I Became a Parody of Myself” in ‘Thor: Love and Thunder’
–– And got hammered.
Robert Downey Jr. Rejects Chris Hemsworth’s Thor Criticism and Claim That Marvel Co-Stars Got Cooler Lines: He’s the ‘Most Complex Psyche Out of All Us Avengers’
–– All of 'you' comic book characters.
Drew Barrymore explains how she accidentally left a list of her romantic partners at Danny DeVito’s house
–– And list of favorite sex toys at Regis Philbin’s.
Dan Schneider Sues ‘Quiet on Set’ Producers for Defamation In Docuseries
–– Nick of slime.
Former Nickelodeon actor Victoria Justice said she was 'uncomfortable' filming her first sex scene with 'random dudes in the room breathing and watching you'
–– Prefers bonking in morgues.
Nude Cara Delevingne Carries XXL Falabella Bag in Stella McCartney Campaign
–– And XXS fun bags.
Sharon Stone Talks Mental Health, Says 'We're All Trying to Confront Our Demons — Me Too'
–– Demons: 'What you waiting for, bitch, we're right here.'
Busy Philipps reveals she was diagnosed with ADHD when her daughter was
–– By Psychiatrist Barbie!
Dwayne Johnson Blasted For Alleged Unprofessionalism, Peeing In Water Bottles And Allegedly Being Hours Late To Set Everyday
–– Rock has kidney stones?
Tom Selleck is 79 and, whew, just look at this magnificent specimen
–– He provided his doctor.
Ryan Reynolds, Dwayne Johnson reportedly had ‘huge fight’ on the set of ‘Red Notice’
–– ‘Roid notice.
Ryan Gosling Reveals the Sweet Name His Daughters Call Him: 'Kills Me Every Time'
–– Ted Bundy.
Katy Perry's "Haircut" Has Caused Absolute Chaos and Panic Among Her Fans
–– One below belt?
Tennis legend Boris Becker discharged from bankruptcy court in England
–– Handback smash.
Pope makes landmark visit to Venice Biennale and proclaims that ‘the world needs artists’
–– ‘But notta dese hacks!’
Baring it all: Breasts take center stage at this major exhibition
–– Knockers themselves out.
'Liberty Leading the People' Returns to the Louvre After a Breathtaking Restoration
––Her bazongas seem to leap off canvas.
Sex in Movies Has Dropped Sharply, Yet Gotten More Graphic, Study Says
–– Hard to believe.
Photos shine a light on Taiwan’s ‘betel nut beauties’
–– Betel juiced.
Makeup brand criticized for creating deep black foundation shade following backlash
–– Blacklash.
Jobs Data Revives Wall Street’s Hopes for a Rate Cut
–– Boulevard of broker dreams.
Opinion: The next Census could reveal a very different America
–– As long as questions are rewritten to create more division.
Marijuana’s Health Effects Are About to Get a Whole Lot Clearer
–– Once we sober up.
Woman Contemplated Divorce After Learning Her Husband Is Her Cousin. Now They’re Stronger Than Ever (Exclusive)
–– Raising idiot children.
Imagine living in a 4-foot body that doesn’t develop chronic diseases
–– But you can never reach top shelf.
When does old age begin? Science says later than you might think
–– Concludes you’re only as old as you self-identify as.
Sexsomnia: An embarrassing sleep disorder no one wants to talk about
–– Because it’s not real.
Our Son Is Going to Be a Teen Dad. We’re Debating the Terms of His Punishment.
–– Sounds like he’ll be punished enough.
Say goodbye to Ruby Tuesday and Chili’s. These are the hot new restaurants at the mall
–– Never said hello.
Bartenders Are Explaining The Very “American” Thing We Do Wrong When Drinking Before Dinner
–– Ordering food from their bars.
What went wrong at Red Lobster
–– Couldn't keep traps shut.
Dining chat: a fancy restaurant charged us $900 — two months ahead of dinner
–– Including 20% sucker surcharge.
Opinion: How robots making your burger and fries can lead to greater income inequality
–– With robots frying your chicken.
Californians fed up with fast food chains hiking prices are now biting back — by taking their business elsewhere
–– How about own kitchens?
Gas Stove Pollution Risk Is Greatest in Smaller Homes, Study Finds
–– Like Barbie DreamHouse.
Florida locals infuriated as spring breakers caught dumping overfilled trash cans into the ocean
–– In insufficient quantities.
California superintendent fired for allegedly threatening students who didn't clap for her daughter
–– Have to hand it to her.
Disneyland Is Politely Tying To Crack Down On An Annoying Trend, And It's About Time
–– Dopey farting loudly while taking selfies with fans.
Wild fight breaks out between group of moms with strollers at Disneyland
–– Huey, Louie & Dewey trading blows with their rattlers.
America’s appetite for McMansions is devouring modern architecture
–– Homes fit for orange-haired clowns in loud yellow suits.
GNC is struggling. It hopes Ozempic can give it a boost
–– But isn’t that for reducing?
A new barbershop in Denver is staffed with formerly incarcerated people
–– Let them pick your locks.
How pilot’s drunken all-nighter in Dallas forces cancellation of Japan Airlines flight
–– Air traffic contoller even drunker.
Man accused of slicing victim’s stomach open during argument in Gages Lake
–– Victim refused to reveal what he’d had for lunch.
Student accused of viciously beating aide in viral video blames school in new lawsuit: 'Ticking time bomb'
–– Demands pep bomb squad.
Body Cameras Show Police Fatally Shooting Queens Man Holding Scissors
–– Wasn’t cut out for it.
Southern California woman pleads guilty in $150-million counterfeit postage scheme
–– Stamps feat.
Mexican man wins typo case against Cartier, keeps earrings bought for $13
–– In fur-lined typo case.
Dead bodies are left behind on Mount Everest, so why are hundreds of climbers heading into the ‘death zone’ this spring?
–– To check for jewelry?
I Always Knew I Was Different. Still, I Was Shocked To Hear My Doctor Say These 4 Words To Me.
–– What are you? Different?
Nervous drivers pay to be whisked across America’s scariest bridge
–– By Rodan!
It’s been two years since the UK’s poop-engulfed beaches became a national scandal. Now it’s even worse
–– Nobody notices.
Underwater superyachts? A CEO is pitching fantastical ships that can go 800 feet down and stay submerged for weeks
–– Not luxury submarines?
Man allegedly pours bleach into Oregon hatchery tank and kills 18,000 salmon
–– Trumpite thought he was protecting from Covid.
Mass fish die-off in Vietnam as heatwave roasts Southeast Asia
–– Bao to inevitable.
Orangutan in the wild applied medicinal plant to heal its own injury, biologists say
–– Or decorated face with decorative leaf.
Venomous snakes likely to migrate en masse amid global heating, says study
–– In very narrow canoes.
Penguins Enjoying a Bubble Machine at the Indianapolis Zoo Are Making Everybody Smile
–– In Simpleton Ward.
Bizarre sea creatures become ‘all-you-can-eat-buffet’ off SoCal coast
–– Red Lobster to feature Endless Jellyfish-like Blobs.
Tobago shark attack: Peter Smith now 'able to communicate'
–– We gave him your number.
Woman Is Convinced Her Dog Is Trying to Warn Her About a Ghost in Their House
–– Ghost trying to keep from laughing.
Ancient text reveals details of Plato’s burial place and final evening, experts say
–– With 'Platonic' friend.
After 96 Years, Archaeologists Finally Found the Missing Part of a Legendary Statue
–– Had been searching between Queen Nefertitis.
Wyoming Goes Wild: The Mad Dash for ‘Brown Gold’
–– In Dick Cheney's master bathroom.
Boeing sending first astronaut crew to space after years of delay
–– Double-check those doors.
The world’s 100 worst polluted cities are in Asia — and 83 of them are in just one country
–– Like Trash Mahal.
The world dumps 2,000 truckloads of plastic into the ocean each day. Here’s where a lot of it ends up
–– Legoland.
2 new COVID variants called 'FLiRT' are spreading in the U.S. What are the symptoms?
–– Exhausted WHO now letting TikTokers make up names.
Paul Auster, author who explored New York and life’s riddles, dies at 77
–– Paul ouster.
