Whiners Never Quit
Week of 07/05/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Should Biden Quit? Democrats Weigh Potential Rewards and Steep Risks
–– Lone reward: glowing editorial in NY Times.
L.B.J. Did It in 1968. Biden Can Do It, Too.
–– Remember how well that worked out for Dems?
Democrats start moving to Harris as Biden digs in
–– Afraid they might at least win popular vote in November.
Disney heiress, wealthy Democratic donors say they won’t finance the party until Biden drops out
–– Back assisted political suicide.
Biden’s Lapses Are Said to Be Increasingly Common and Worrisome
–– See, our Editorial Board is right!
White House: Biden ‘Absolutely Not’ Dropping Out of Presidential Race
–– Don't switch donkeys in midscream.
White House now says Biden was seen by his doctor days after debate
–– Afflicted with Dementia.
White House explains ‘We finally beat Medicare’ debate flub
–– Flubber.
Biden tells Democratic governors he needs more sleep and plans to stop scheduling events after 8 p.m.
–– Proposes attending state dinners in jammies.
Questions about Biden’s age echo similar concerns that Reagan faced in 1984
–– When administration, family, party lied about senility and he won landslide? That's lesson for Democrats.
US Supreme Court rules Trump has immunity for official, not private acts
–– Suggests you consult King Solomon to distinguish one from other.
Biden issues a warning about the power of the presidency – and Trump – after Supreme Court’s immunity ruling
–– There's a bad immune on the rise.
Legal Conservatives’ Long Game: Amp Up Presidential Power but Kneecap Federal Agencies
–– And see if guillotine might replace lethal injection.
Justice Amy Coney Barrett is charting her own path on the bench
–– How, WaPo, by agreeing with every disastrous far-right decision?
Manhattan Prosecutors Agree to Delay Trump’s Sentencing
–– Need two-month sit down to take in madness of immunity ruling.
Opinion The Trump immunity decision isn’t the end of democracy — but it is bad
–– Thanks, WaPo, for clarification.
‘Hello from my Black job’: Black Democrats share workplace photos after Trump’s bizarre debate line
–– Black-and-blue collar?
The Supreme Court rules for a North Dakota truck stop in a new blow to federal regulations
–– Rules federal regulators blow North Dakota truckers.
Rep. Victoria Spartz charged with weapons violation at Dulles Airport
–– Spartz and labor.
The U.K. Elects a No-Drama Prime Minister After Years of Post-Brexit Chaos
–– Takes by Starmer.
Ex-Labour Leader Corbyn Wins As Independent In UK Election
–– Hamas home message.
As Britain Votes, Change Is in the Air. Optimism, Not So Much.
–– Brits flipping coins to choose.
Vote-Hunting Rishi Sunak Left Stunned by Britain’s Most Tattooed Woman
–– Didn’t realize she carried taser.
Rishi Sunak apologises after historic Tory defeat
–– Admits to being Rishi-washy.
Turnout Is High in France’s Snap Elections
–– Been banging back vin rouge like crazy.
Far Right’s Surge in France Lays Bare Deep Divisions
–– Droite's up?
US calls new Hamas ceasefire proposal for Gaza a ‘breakthrough’
–– And 'an epic, three-hankie, click-up-your-heels, crowd-pleasing smasheroo.'
Hezbollah Fired 200 Rockets at Israel. Here’s What to Know About the Escalating Tensions.
–– Headline could’ve been written any time in last 30 years.
Putin tells Orban he is ready to discuss 'nuances' of Ukraine conflict
–– Because he’s subtle kinda guy.
I stayed at a North Korean summer camp. We polished statues and played a game where we destroyed the White House.
–– And performed version of Annie where we took out Daddy Warbucks with anti-aircraft gun.
Vatican excommunicates former US ambassador Vigano, declares him guilty of schism
–– Reportedly schizzed in confessional.
A.I. Begins Ushering In an Age of Killer Robots
–– Know where bots are buried.
Eddie Murphy is still stung by that David Spade joke on ‘Saturday Night Live’
–– You mean ultra-rare funny one?
'30s sex symbol Mae West had 'passionate affair' with man 40 years younger before he left to serve God: book
–– And pray for death.
Kate Beckinsale Moons London Department Store as Way to Cope With ‘Horrific News’
–– Her dead pussy.
Chrissy Teigen Says She’ll Be ‘Icing the Hooha’ After Ziplining Wardrobe Fail
–– No longer strapping youth.
The ‘House of the Dragon’ Full-Frontal Nude Scene Changed Everything
–– When Aemond gets up in brothel to drain his?
'Star Wars' Finally Explains How Yoda Was Able To Hide On Dagobah Without The Empire Finding Him
–– Finally!
The World’s Next Big Drag Queen Is Brazilian
–– Will wax poetic.
‘Beverly Hills Cop’ Director Mark Molloy Kept Saying No to Jerry Bruckheimer Until ‘Axel F’ Came Along
–– Said he wouldn't Axel again.
Kevin Bacon Dons Elaborate Disguise To Experience Life As Non-Famous Person, Concludes “This Sucks”
–– Bacon for attention.
‘I wish my parents were alive so I could tell them I’m a concept’: Tilda Swinton and Julio Torres on elves, slaps and giving dignity to toilets
–– Poof of concept.
Susan Sarandon’s Daughter Eva Unapologetically Defended Her Plunging Wedding Dress
–– Totally up-front about it.
Natalie Portman Admits She Gets Mistaken For Another Actress 'All The Time' And We Can Totally See It
–– Daily or Knightley?
Jennifer Lopez's crochet mini shorts and pastel pink halter top serve major holiday wardrobe inspo
–– If you spend 4 hours a day in gym.
‘Jeopardy!’ contestant who earned second-lowest score in show history reveals reason for her flop
–– Couldn’t quite dumb self down to lowest.
Ayesha Curry Shares Glimpse of Newborn Son With Husband Stephen Curry: ‘The Sweetest’
–– And little ’spicy?’
Daughter, Zara Tindall, ‘Shaken to the Core’ by Princess Anne’s Amnesia
–– Admits she rarely remembered her before accident.
Pat Tillman’s mother ‘shocked’ by Prince Harry getting son’s award
–– Tease for the Tillman.
Lakers Agree to Overpay Bronny James Just Hours After Dad Strikes Big Deal
–– Scored Bronny points.
Philadelphia radio host Howard Eskin suspended from Phillies home games over 'unwelcome kiss'
–– Without Eskin?
Transgender runner Nikki Hiltz is headed to the Paris Olympics
–– Runs balls out.
Marathon Runner with Double Mastectomy Races Topless to ‘Normalize Mastectomy’ — and Is Now a Guinness Record Holder
–– Got off chest.
Gayle King is on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit at 69. Why it matters.
–– Doesn’t.
Aging Might Not Be Inevitable
–– These idiotic claims are.
“Coffee Badging" Is The Newest Return-To-Office Trend That's Stirring Up Controversy — Here's What You Need To Know
–– Not new, not trend.
26 Extremelyyyyyy Useful Industry Hacks That Companies Don't Want Customers To Know
–– Y, oh, Y?
Schools face a math problem: Money is running out and kids are still behind
–– Problem is schools can’t add.
Dear Abby: My son is disabled and our neighbor is making him a target
–– Tell kid to stop hanging from tree.
Pattern of Brain Damage Is Pervasive in Navy SEALs Who Died by Suicide
–– Shot in head’ll do that.
How to avoid the ‘stupid American’ stereotype while traveling abroad
–– Stay home.
Clash of the Hamptons Cultures: “We Don’t Want People Wearing Shorts”
–– On clothing optional beaches will allow money belt.
Elon Musk mocks Mark Zuckerberg's big hydrofoil swag moment, says he prefers to work instead of having fun on yachts
–– Surfs him right.
Man dies after placing lit firework on his head during Fourth of July party
–– Was he wearing blast cap?
Patrick Bertoletti wins Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest; Miki Sudo sets new women’s record
–– Wiener takes all.
Joey Chestnut nearly eclipses Nathan's contest winner during exhibition at Army base in Texas
–– On a roll.
Paige Spiranac Plans to Celebrate July 4th by Eating as Many Hot Dogs as She Can
–– And charging male fans to watch.
National Fried Chicken Day is Saturday: Here's where to find food deals and discounts
–– Breading: the day.
The Dangerous Fish Defrosting Mistake You'll Want To Avoid
–– Using blowtorch.
A Crescent-Ring Sandwich Is The Easiest Way To Feed A Crowd
–– Poorly.
Old Navy Is Selling a 'Beautiful' $14 Crossbody Purse That Looks Just Like an Iconic Designer Style More Than 163x the Price
–– ‘Beautiful’ requires extra sets of quote marks.
This country has a national happiness index. But what is it really like to live there?
–– Bhutan clan.
Mt. Everest tourists throw punches over the perfect selfie position
–– Must’ve been pretty high.
All-out brawl on Carnival cruise caught on viral video: ‘Got out of hand very, very quickly’
–– Anyone get decked?
Why so much is riding on the 777X, Boeing's newest long-haul plane that is already 5 years late and costing billions
–– So nothing is riding on it.
Tennessee cancels driver’s license of 77-year-old Navy veteran saying he isn’t a US citizen
–– This week in 'Who Gives a Shit.'
Stripper sues Florida over new age restrictions for workers at adult entertainment businesses
–– Must be old enough to go to poles.
Teacher who had sex with two schoolboys jailed
–– Was trying to get them to spell ‘throuple.'
Woman allegedly beat man to death over unpaid sex on NYC street: sources
–– Beat him off gratis.
Firefighter Interrupted Ex's Date at Olive Garden with New Woman, Then Keyed Car Before They Vanished
–– Investigators just scratching surface.
Who Is Wade Wilson? Jury Recommends Death Penalty for ‘Deadpool Killer’ After Being Convicted of Murder
–– Wade, Wade, don't tell us…
’Ghost ship' belongs to Texas man whose world sailing dreams might be dashed
–– Now let him circumnavigate… hell.
My partner gifted me a dog that became like a child to us. When we broke up, custody of the dog got complicated.
–– Child we were sexually abusing.
Vet Nurse Adopts Injured Puppy Brought To Be Euthanized & Turns Him Into Happiest Boy
–– Using some really weird-ass sorcery.
Golden and Dalmatian Have Real-Life ‘Lady and the Tramp’ Moment in Adorable Clip
–– Or ‘looked at each other through window.’
Overheated dog dies on airplane in front of heartbroken family: ‘We want some sort of change’
–– Died humping leg.
The One Thing a Pet Behaviorist Is Begging Dog Parents to Stop Doing ASAP
–– Frenching poodles.
Black-Footed Ferrets 'Flirting' During Breeding Season Are Too Cute To Handle
–– Ferrets ‘fucking’ are too scary to look away.
Bunny Meets Nervous Foster Kitten and Immediately Goes Into Mama Mode
–– Makes us wanna womit.
These owls spread from east to west. Not everyone is pleased.
–– Those in north, south?
Giant alligator lunging at cars in NC road shooed away after firefighters take clever approach
–– Alligator shoos.
Greenland sharks live up to 500 years, but what's their secret?
–– You tap on shoulder, ask.
Washed-up giant shark removed from beach by forklift
–– Career totally over.
New Zealand’s annual cat-killing competition condemned after record death toll
–– Pussy wimped.
Meet the mysterious olm – a weird and extremely rare cave-dwelling predator nicknamed the 'human fish'
–– Olm – my - god!
Meet the Taxidermists Who Care for the Animals at your Favorite Museums
–– This is Norman, he also runs a motel with his mom. Wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Archaeologists discover ancient relic believed to be tied to Moses and the Ten Commandments
–– Ribbon around finger reminding him to include ‘covet your neighbor’s ass.’
French ‘Excalibur’ mysteriously disappears after 1,300 years stuck in a rock
–– Finally sunk in?
Denisovans were living on the Tibetan plateau surprisingly recently, scientists say
–– Thanks for update, we’d lost contact when they moved.
The hidden ‘eagle’s nest’ city that Alexander the Great couldn’t conquer
–– Aerie coincedence.
12,000-year-old ritual passed down 500 generations may be world’s oldest
–– Shaving of genitals with fish scales.
Watch: Chinese rocket crashes into mountain after unexpected launch
–– Premature ejectulation.
Scientists say they’ve confirmed a slowdown in Earth’s inner core rotation. Now what?
–– Economists suggest pay increase.
Death Valley Set to Break Its Own Record for Earth’s Hottest Place
–– Has been sweating out.
Bud S. Smith, Editor of ‘Sorcerer,’ ‘The Exorcist’ and ‘Flashdance,’ Dies at 88
–– Down Bud, nod out.
