Miscarriage of Justice
Week of 09/06/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Donald Trump gets the ‘inside straight’ he’s been hoping for in court
–– By being outside bent.
Putin backs Harris for US president, with wry smile
–– Witty as Hannibal Lecter.
‘It’s disastrous’: White evangelicals waver after Trump’s shifts on abortion
–– Christian right shocked he can't be hypocritical enough to stick with politically suicidal position.
Former vice president Dick Cheney says he will vote for Kamala Harris
–– Dick's around.
Trump says he had ‘every right’ to interfere in election
–– Flashes Get Out of Jail card with SCOTUS stamp on it.
Trump calls Harris a Marxist, a communist, even a fascist. Why his wild punches don't land
–– Except in own face.
Judge Orders Donald Trump to Stop Using ‘Hold On I’m Comin’ at Rallies
–– And in bedroom.
Adam Kinzinger's Way-Too-Specific Description Of Trump Body Odor Might Make You Gag
–– BOlogical survey.
Amazon Says Alexa’s Differing Responses About Voting for Donald Trump vs. Kamala Harris Were an ‘Error’ That It Has Fixed
–– Even Alexa smart enough to ding him.
George Clooney Says Biden Is ‘Most Selfless’ President Since George Washington for Dropping Out of Presidential Race Against Trump: ‘All the Credit Goes to Him’
–– Big of George, not acknowledging self as pivotal figure in U.S. history.
White House Press Secretary Shuts Down Fox News Reporter Over ‘Insane’ Question About Kamala Harris’ ‘Betta’ Accent
–– From 'worstest' correspondent.
Tim Walz’s Brother Is ‘100% Opposed to All His Ideology’
–– Walznuts.
Former Miss Teen USA Contestant Rebukes Vance for Using Her Flub to Attack Harris
–– Son of flubber.
JD Vance endorsed a report that criticizes people watching pornography — especially married women
–– So he's anti-education, too?
Honestly, Mark Robinson’s Porn Scandal Is the Least of His Worries
–– Except for JD Vance.
Biden Administration May Cement Asylum Restrictions at the Border
–– Insane nation needs all asylum restrictions lifted.
Linda Sun, former Kathy Hochul aide, arrested months after FBI raid on home
–– Stick where Sun don't shine.
Trump-backed US Senate candidate faces scrutiny for derogatory comments about Native Americans
–– Orangeface slur.
Damning Audio Exposes Ginni Thomas’s Real Thoughts on Supreme Court
–– If you can call them thoughts.
Opinion | Alan Dershowitz leaves Democratic Party, cites DNC: 'I was disgusted'
–– Democratic Party, 'I was delighted!'
Flurry of Inquiries Raises Doubts About Adams’s Ability to Run New York
–– Adams raises doubts about Adams's ability.
Strike over Netanyahu hostage policy brings parts of Israel to a halt
–– Trying to remove scab in Beit Aghion.
U.S. plans to present ‘take it or leave it’ Israel-Gaza cease-fire deal soon
–– Haven't they all been?
Netanyahu pushes back against new pressure over Gaza and hostages: 'No one will preach to me'
–– He’s totally outta preach.
Lavrov warns US not to mock Russia's 'red lines'
–– Nor varicose veins.
Putin gifted Kim Jong Un 24 purebred horses as payment for the artillery shells North Korea sent to Russia: report
–– None can support Porky’s weight.
Germany’s far-right party AfD set to win one state election, and is level in another, exit polls show
–– Nazi level.
Maduro decrees Christmas will start in October as Venezuela cracks down on dissent
–– Will gift self Presidency for life.
New Zealand's Maori anoint new queen, bury late king
–– Maori me, Maori me!
Ketanji Brown Jackson Recalls Being Scene Partners With Matt Damon in Harvard Drama Class
–– Now playing second banana to clown Clarence Thomas.
Musk’s Twitter investors have lost billions in value
–– What you’d call ‘fun read.’
Elon Musk and others urging people to have more kids are essentially calling for a Ponzi scheme, experts say
–– Is stud’s name Ponzi?
‘Who dreams this crap up?’: Kevin O'Leary slams new rule that allows employees to ignore their bosses after hours
–– You mean idiotic ‘Mr. Wonderful’ nickname?
Ian McKellen says ‘Lord of the Rings’ filmakers ‘better be quick’ if they want him back as Gandalf
–– I may not pass.
Michael Keaton Says ‘A Lot of People Are Making a Lot of Money With Superhero Movies’ Because of Tim Burton’s ‘Choice and Vision’ for ‘Batman’
–– Joker all the way to the bank.
7 Actors Who Allegedly Had A "No Eye Contact" Rule, And 8 Other Wild On-Set Demands
–– 7) Roy Orbison, 6) Andrew Blinkoln, 5) Iris Apatow, 4) Lid Whitfield 3) Eddie Blurry, 2) Retina Fey, 1) Iona Stye.
Isabella Rossellini on Hollywood Ageism, Playing a Scene-Stealing Nun in ‘Conclave,’ and Becoming a Long Island Farmer
–– So three things we care nothing about.
Isabella Rossellini Wanted to ‘Protect’ Her Body Double During ‘Death Becomes Her’ Nude Scene: I Was ‘Like a Mother’
–– But didn't cover her ass.
The Truth About Patti LuPone and Mia Farrow
–– Patti's even more annoying than Mia… no, wait, is it other way around…?
HBO defends ‘House of Dragon’ choices after George R.R. Martin criticizes show in blog post
–– Blowing smoke.
Why people are upset about Glenn Close in ‘Deliverance’
–– Scene where she squeals like pig?
Netflix Dates Ellen DeGeneres’ Final Standup Special
–– Took to dyke bar for cosmos.
Sara Haines stuns “The View” cohost Whoopi Goldberg with cornhole reference: 'Not THAT cornhole'
–– With husky laugh.
Tobey Maguire’s Ex-Wife Jennifer Meyer Engaged To Nigerian Billionaire Heir
–– He sent her email proposal along with request for passwords.
We Just Realized Miley Cyrus’ Wild Grammys Dress Was Made Of 14,000 Safety Pins And Now I’m Even More Shook
–– Stuck on that?
‘Sanatorium Under the Sign of the Hourglass’ Review: The Quay Brothers’ Surreal Stop-Motion Fantasia Is a Mouthful, an Eyeful and a Mind-Melt
–– ¿Qué?
‘How Is She Wearing Fur?’: Unprecedented Venice Heat Wave Leaves A-List Stars and Their Handlers Dripping in Sweat
–– And selling perspiration to fans.
Pedro Almodóvar Speaks on His New Film ‘The Room Next Door’ Being in ‘Favor of Euthanasia’: ‘There Should Be the Possibility’ to Do It ‘All Over the World’
–– Has he considered for his career?
US Open star’s ‘terrible behaviour’ slammed as ball girl left ‘humiliated’
–– Let loose.
The $10 million cocktail everyone is drinking at the US Open
–– Do you leave $2 mil tip for that?
Raygun apologizes to breakdance community for backlash to her Paris Olympic performance
–– She didn’t create backlash, just crappy dance.
National Novel Writing Month faces backlash over allowing AI: What to know
–– AI edited this article.
‘The point is to exist’: W. Paul Coates on his decades running Black Classic Press
–– And his thoroughly uninspiring ambition.
If you inherit $1 million—or any amount—this is the first thing you should do, says financial planner
–– Really? $5? $7.50?
Duckbill CEO explains how app can be a "personal assistant in your pocket"
–– Sounds like goosepoop.
Decorating the inside of your fridge with picture frames and flowers? That’s ‘fridgescaping’
–– That's 'fringecrazy.'
Who Can Pull Off a Jean Jacket?
–– Anyone smart enough to remove arms from sleeves.
Girlfriend defended online for refusing to let boyfriend pick her up from dentist
–– Mouthing off.
My Daughter Was Being Bullied. I Thought It'd Eventually End — Until I Had A Chilling Realization.
–– She deserved it?
Passengers bought berths on a 3-year cruise. Months on, the ship is still stuck in Belfast
–– Currently renting berths at local pub.
Want to see a city like a local? Take the subway.
–– Tunnel vision.
I Asked 3 Mexican Chefs To Name the Best Tortilla Chips—They All Said the Same Thing
–– 'Guac you!'
We Asked 3 Chefs to Name the Best Frozen Chicken Nuggets and They All Said the Same Thing
–– 'Who eats this shit?'
Hormel Just Released a New Bacon We Never Saw Coming
–– Sizzling strips got us in chokehold.
Why Jimmy Nardello Peppers Are the New ‘It’ Vegetable
–– They look like Jimmy’s pene.
Bringing Meat to Room Temperature Before Cooking — Myth or a Must? Here's What Chefs Have to Say
–– Rub yours vigorously till it tingles.
Celebrated LA deli is pushed to the brink by drugs and crime
–– In pickle.
Dye in Doritos used in experiment that, like a 'magic trick,' created see-through mice
–– With insides like yours after eating few bags.
–– Says brain-damaged diabetic.
Costco Used To Sell Barrels Of Jack Daniel's And We Want Them Back
–– They were yours?
How a Leading Chain of Psychiatric Hospitals Traps Patients
–– With leather straps, typically.
Woman Sues Ozempic Manufacturer After Alleging Medication Led to Colon Removal: 'It Could Happen to You'
–– Resulting in headline: Woman Sues Ozempic Manufacturer After Alleging Medication Led to Colon Removal 'It Could Happen to You’?
The Loneliness Epidemic Has a Cure
–– Draw face on fist, nickname Jack.
Hiker Found 'Alive, But Not Well' After Month-Long Disappearance: 'May Have Only Had Another Day Left'
–– Down to final box of Clif bars.
Tompkins Square Park is getting an in-ground pool
–– Instead of working bathrooms.
New York law now mandates that major retail stores add ‘panic buttons’ for workers
–– Attached to nothing.
Hard drugs illegal again in Oregon as first-in-nation experiment ends
–– Surprisingly only most wasted junkies.
Wild moment woman hit by high-speed train while posing for pics
–– Took tracking shot.
Car crashes into home as couple relaxes with their dogs
–– Quintet were sharing champagne soak in tub.
We spoke to hundreds of prison gang members – here’s what they said about life behind bars
–– 'We simply love it!'
‘Depraved’ electrician watched customers in their homes on secretly installed cameras
–– Got charge out of it.
A school cop admitted to sexually abusing two students. He got probation.
–– And had to write ‘I will not grope minors’ 100 times on blackboard.
Jail put ‘violent’ inmate in man’s cell and he was killed within 45 minutes, suit says
–– Dead pool had at 35 minutes.
Father of suspected Apalachee High School shooter charged in murders; FBI received warnings in 2023
–– Sins of the sons…
Cat makes surprise return home four days after being ‘cremated’
–– Renamed Sooty.
Science is rewriting the history of horse domestication
–– Giddy? Yup.
Burmese python eats even bigger reticulated python alive, in 1st-of-its-kind encounter
–– Excretes what appears to be trans-Siberian pipeline.
7-foot alligator bites elderly woman while she was walking her dog in South Florida
–– We thought they only had 4.
Man says sex life ruined after being stung by scorpion at Las Vegas resort: lawsuit
–– Stinger no longer works.
A celebrity 'Russian spy' whale spotted with harness found dead in Norwegian waters
–– Spout’s off.
Why don’t deep-sea animals implode? Here's how they survive extreme pressures at the bottom of the ocean
–– ‘Ludes.
Pregnant shark monitored by scientists eaten by a larger predator
–– Who got dessert free.
’Pinnacle Man’ was found dead in a cave in 1977. He finally has a name.
–– Pinnacle Mann.
We Now Know Exactly Where In The World Humans And Neanderthals Hooked Up
–– In toilet of night club (after using club.)
’Very bright’ fireball lights up Appalachia and vanishes over North Carolina, NASA says
–– Escaped from moonshiner’s still.
Ancient asteroid 20 times larger than the one that wiped out the dinosaurs likely hit Jupiter’s moon Ganymede
–– For crater good.
Maui wildfire survivors say insurers are failing to clean up toxic damage to their homes
–– Woe we Maui.
Remote Indigenous tribe kills two loggers encroaching on their land in Peru
–– With arrows they wanted for toothpicks.
‘Dark’ tanker crash exposes dangers of China’s thirst for cheap oil
–– For their woks.
There’s a “Pretty Alarming” Amount of Microplastics in Our Brains
–– I mean, like, they're writing this report!
Fatman Scoop, a D.J. and Rapper, Dies
–– Scoop out.
James Darren, actor in ‘Gidget’ and ‘TJ Hooker,’ dies at 88, Variety reports
–– Hooker line and sinker.
–– A samba moment.
