Grave Reckoning
Week of 08/30/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Arlington National Cemetery officials confirm an 'incident' during Trump's visit
–– Attempt to douse Eternal Flame by peeing on it?
Opinion | Was CNN’s big Kamala Harris interview a dud?
–– Needed more Walz to Walz carping.
John Bolton Says Trump Made 'Forbidden' Move After Controversial Arlington Visit
–– ’It looked like Lambada.’
Vance defends telling Harris to ‘go to hell’ for nonexistent cemetery criticism
–– And visit MAGA complex Satan building there.
'You Scum': Rocker Jack White Rips Trump A New One, Threatens Lawsuit Over Music
–– White snipes.
The Supreme Court is sowing confusion over how it will handle election disputes this fall
–– Ginni Thomas sewing confusion with woolen MAGA gavel-warmers.
Trump campaign casts fresh doubt on September debate with Harris over microphone dispute
–– Why wouldn’t know-nothing felonious dotard want to debate former prosecutor in prime?
Trump’s pledge to be ‘great for women and their reproductive rights’ angers advocates
–– ‘Great’ like he was for women in dressing rooms.
Team Trump Is Freaking Out Over Corey Lewandowski’s Return
–– One man Polish joke punch line.
Chris Hayes Says Trump Gets Away ‘With Mafia Style Gangster Threats’ Because Republicans ‘Straight up Help Him’ | Video
–– This week in ‘Stating Obvious.’
Nebraska Supreme Court to decide on laws allowing those with felony convictions to vote
–– Make own convicted Trump joke here.
She’s the sitting vice president. She's the candidate of change. How Harris is having it both ways
-– In your editorials.
Why Harris’ Barrier-Breaking Bid Feels Nothing Like Hillary Clinton’s
–– Be honest, NY Times, with Black woman, it’s riskier.
Republican group cites notorious Dred Scott ruling as reason Kamala Harris can’t be president
–– See above.
Opinion | Why Democrats shouldn’t count their chickens, or votes
–– Vicious Wild Turkey on other side.
MSNBC Compares JD Vance’s ‘Awkward’ Donut Order With Tim Walz at a Sandwich Shop: ‘Suffering from Vicarious Embarrassment’ | Video
–– There’s hole in one.
J.D. Vance Booed by Entire Crowd During Dumpster Fire Speech
–– Can't say he didn't fire up.
How Biden’s Senate Allies Helped Push Him From the Race
–– Schumer opened bus door, Pelosi shoved him towards back wheels.
Tim Walz and Kristi Noem once had a warm working relationship. Now it’s gone ice cold
–– Like Nome.
Trump is expected to tie Harris to chaotic Afghanistan War withdrawal on 3rd anniversary of attack
–– Was curious to see how many more than 13 might’ve died in three years.
RFK Jr. says he's been asked to serve on Trump's transition team
–– Should be Donna J. Trump this time next year.
RFK Jr.: Wife’s reaction to Trump endorsement ‘opposite of encouraging’
–– More 'career-salvaging.'
RFK Jr. is stuck on 3 swing-state ballots. That’s a headache for Trump.
–– Swing low sweet idiot.
Trump vowed to release all remaining JFK files. What could they contain?
–– Ted Cruz's dad's mug shot?
Tulsi Gabbard, who ran for 2020 Democratic nomination, endorses Trump against former foe Harris
–– Providing hedge for crazy childless cat lady vote.
DeSantis in middle of Florida feud pitting marijuana against hemp
–– Doobie bothers.
Ukraine keeps crossing Russia’s red lines. Putin keeps blinking.
–– Like two yellow traffic lights.
Why Putin is struggling to repel the Ukrainian troops that invaded Russia
–– We heard Ukrainians find him totally repellent.
Russia warns the United States of the risks of World War Three
–– Can’t even beat Ukraine.
Chinese government hackers penetrate U.S. internet providers to spy
–– Providers only paid for massage.
Brazil Blocks X After Musk Ignores Court Orders
–– Muks about.
Nicaragua closes US Chamber of Commerce and 150 other organizations
–– No more Flapjack Networking Breakfasts in Managua.
Peter Dinklage Is Optimistic ‘Toxic Avenger’ Reboot Will Get Released and “Have Its Day in the Toxic Sun”
–– We expect zero sump gain.
Oasis’ Liam and Noel Gallagher Drop Biggest Hint Yet That Group Is Reuniting
–– For comedy tour smashing watermelons.
Matthew Perry’s “Street Dealer” Managed High-End Rehab Where Client Died
–– Erik Fleming even made film about client.
‘Strange Darling’ Star Willa Fitzgerald Breaks Down the Shocking End of Her Acclaimed Thriller
–– Willa or won't she?
Christopher Reeve’s son recalls the last time he saw his dad on his feet in new ‘Super/Man’ trailer
–– Stepped on toes early 1995.
If Liza Minnelli’s Jewelry Could Talk
–– It’d slur incoherently.
Matt Lauer’s Daughter Romy Reportedly Leaves Scene After Crashing Car Into Fence in the Hamptons
–– Credits dad with example.
John Stamos Was Kicked Out of Scientology as a Teen: ‘I Was F––ing Around So Much They Said Get Out’
–– ‘And take your Thetan with ya!’
No Brad, No Angelina, No Lady Gaga: Stars Snub Venice Film Festival Press, Drawing Protest
–– Which their fans can't read.
Angelina Jolie Weeps Through Rapturous 8-Minute Venice Standing Ovation for ‘Maria,’ Launching Oscar Buzz
–– Better than any acting in movie.
Disillusioned Tim Burton finds himself again in Beetlejuice sequel
–– In Shrinker?
Winona Ryder Gets Frustrated by Her Younger Co-Stars Who ‘Are Not Interested in Movies’: ‘The First Thing They Say’ Is ‘How Long Is It?’
–– 'And not just for pornos.'
Winona Ryder Says She Was Called a ‘Witch’ at High School After Release of First “Beetlejuice” Movie
–– ‘Bitch’ before.
Michael Keaton Says He 'Sucked' in 'Dumbo' and It's the 'One Movie' Where He Let Tim Burton Down: 'It Bugs Me to This Day. I Was Clueless'
–– Dumbo will never forget.
Aubrey Plaza Never Watched ‘White Lotus’ Because ‘I Had Trouble Opening My Max Account’ and ‘Couldn’t Figure Out the Password … I’d Love a DVD’
–– Aw, Brey, you’re so kooky!
Cate Blanchett Jokes She’s ‘Going Naked’ to Venice Premiere of ‘Disclaimer’ After Reporter Brings Up Cannes Dress Some Interpreted as Pro-Palestinian Statement
–– And expose Hamass?
Glen Powell Shuts Down Producer’s Claim That Ryan Gosling’s Appeal Is ‘Limited to Females’ While All Genders Love Powell: ‘Ryan Is a Legend. I’m Just Glen’
–– Glen chary, Glen cross.
I Just Found Out Reacher Actor Alan Ritchson Stays Under 10% Body Fat. Here’s How He Does It
–– Stores extra lipids in head.
Insiders Reveal the Allegedly Overwhelming ‘12-Hour Shifts’ Kylie Jenner’s Nannies Go Through
–– Almost as long for kids.
Jennifer Lopez Is on ‘Mission to Get as Ripped as Possible’ Amid Messy Divorce From Ben Affleck
–– As is Affleck, in bar.
Ice T Got Asked If ‘Law & Order: SVU’ Will Go ‘Back to Normal’ After It ‘Started Going Woke.’ He Responded: ‘What the F Is Woke? Like I Give a F—‘
–– How about awake?
Martin Shkreli ordered to give up all copies of one-of-a-kind Wu-Tang Clan album
–– So not ‘one-of-a-kind’?
'Fan only blows when you hot': Deion Sanders reacts to Paul Finebaum remarks
–– By recalling locker room action when he was actual star.
U.S. Open begins, Jannik Sinner’s doping case remains a focus
–– Too late to change name?
Look of the Week: Naomi Osaka’s subversive US Open walk-on look reclaims girl power
–– How would actual win look on her?
Is It Better to Be Over- or Underdressed?
–– Nude.
The Finest, Funnest, Most Freeing Footwear
–– The foulest, funkiest, most foolish f**k-you.
Burning Man festivalgoers experience travel headaches again due to rain
–– Extinguished hopes.
Telegram CEO Pavel Durov detained at airport in France
–– Warrant delivered by delivery boy on bike.
Psychedelic pioneer is unfazed about MDMA’s prospects, despite FDA setback
–– Vows to fight like 'I'm in MMA.'
The Marshmallow Test and other predictors of success have bias built in, researchers say
–– Soft at core.
Neck fans are everywhere. We tested them in the summer heat.
–– We love necks, but refused test.
Costco Will Give You Free Groceries for Your Old Electronics — Here’s What To Do
–– Mint Zune nets peanut.
McDonald’s Serves Up the 14-Ounce ‘Big Arch,’ Its Biggest Hamburger Ever
–– Exits body like special sauce.
Here's Why Your Server Is Asking You to Order All Your Food at Once
–– Lazy bastard wants break.
The wellness drink for sober people that some say they can’t stop drinking
–– Drunk on powder.
The embarrassing story of the time my child received an unexpected gift from the dentist
–– An IOU from Tooth Fairy.
Eye Doctors Are Practically Begging You To Never, Ever Do These 9 Things
–– 6) 3 Stooges routine.
I’ve Had the Same Problem With Every Penis I’ve Encountered. Some Would Say It’s a Good Thing.
–– Like Martha Stewart?
My Husband Offered Me Permission to See Other Men. But What I Did on a Work Trip Crossed a Line.
–– Laid entire road gang on airport access road.
That Time My Father and I Fell for the Same Woman
–– Daughter muffs chance.
Parents can’t function they’re so stressed, surgeon general warns
–– Doing mammal wrong.
What to expect from the new Boeing 777-9 – the world’s longest and widest passenger plane
–– Trouble, obviously.
‘Barely surviving’: Some flight attendants are facing homelessness and hunger
–– Didn’t they warehouse salty snacks?
Lilly launches lower-price weight loss drug without injector pen
–– Pricks interest.
Opinion | Men are having a health crisis. Why aren’t we paying attention?
–– Haven’t you paid attention? Man bad.
Parisians Are Choosing Bikes Over Cars. Will New Yorkers Do That, Too?
–– We call connerie.
‘A Box of Surprises’: a Rotterdam Apartment That’s Only 74 Square Feet
–– Like coffin with Jack-in-Box inside.
Death Toll Rises to 9 From Listeria Linked to Boar’s Head Meats, C.D.C. Says
–– Talk about deli belly.
New investigation finds insects, mold and mildew in Boar's Head plant linked to listeria outbreak
–– Ingredients in new White Meat Mystery Loaf.
Fare Evasion Surges on N.Y.C. Buses, Where 48% of Riders Fail to Pay
–– And are treated with same contempt by drivers as other 52% of suckers.
Claw machine games are Rio de Janeiro's new public enemy
–– No talon what’ll happen.
Italian prosecutor opens manslaughter probe in Lynch yacht sinking
–– Madre Natura retains counsel.
Ship captain who saw Mike Lynch’s yacht sink blames ‘extreme mast’
–– Mast ‘laying low.’
Officials probe death of Wells Fargo employee found in her cubicle 4 days after last scanning into work
–– With no loss in productivity.
New York county’s ban on wearing masks in public leads to first arrest
–– Gearing up for Halloween.
Texas megachurch faces exodus of worshippers after a sex abuse scandal set off a summer of turmoil
–– Pedo pastor robbed manger.
Pinnacle Man mystery finally solved four decades after he was found frozen in cave
–– Interest peaked.
Arrest in case of couple missing from Californian nudist ranch
–– Bear couldn’t bare bodies.
Excavators Dug Up an Ancient Burial Chamber About 4,000 Years Ago in a U.K. National Park
–– We just got carved stone postcard with news today.
Europe’s most dangerous volcano rumbles, and Italians weigh the risk
–– Then open another bottle of Montepulciano, chin flick Phlegraean Fields.
Benedictine Sisters of Erie find unique solution to battle invasive species
–– Shot guns.
Deadly mosquito virus has Mass. towns urging people to stay in at night
–– Mainly because it’s so deadly boring.
How Agonizing Is It to Be a Pug?
–– Pug ugly.
Newborn rattlesnakes at a Colorado 'mega den' are making their live debut
–– Performing Shake, Rattle and Roll.
Workers breach key Klamath dams, allowing salmon to swim freely for the first time in a century
–– Naked and free!
Blind Rescue Baboon Tucks 'Her' Puppy Into Bed Every Night
–– Upside down so dog suffocates.
Does anything eat porcupines? Surely its spiky quills protects it from predators?
–– Unless they want to pick teeth during meal.
Nasa makes discovery ‘as important as gravity’ about Earth
–– Lawyers for Isaac Newton threaten suit over claim.
Boeing Might Not Get Starliner Working Before the Space Station Is Destroyed
–– Places ad on ET craigslist.
Oceanographers find underwater mountain bigger than Mount Olympus
–– Poseidon masquerading as Zeus.
‘The ocean is overflowing’: UN chief issues global SOS as new reports warn Pacific sea-level rise outstrips global average
–– Our cup runneth over our heads.
Tom Brown Jr., World-Renowned Survivalist, Is Dead at 74
–– Barely made average male life expectancy.
Scott Thorson, Liberace’s Lover and Key Witness in Wonderland Murders Trial, Dies at 65
–– To be buried beneath the candelabra.
