Don! Pow! Ka-Mal!
Week of 07/26/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump’s New Rival May Bring Out His Harshest Instincts
–– We really, really hope.
Melania Trump to Release a Memoir This Fall
–– If ChatGPT can finish in time.
Trump struggles to find line of attack against Harris: ‘They are literally grasping at straws’
–– The suckers.
Alone and Abandoned, Biden Learns That Friends Are More Dangerous Than Enemies
–– Et tu, Don-kay?
With Surprise Reversal, Biden Rewrites His Legacy and Makes a Play for History
–– He always dreamed of one day being forced out of office before opponent’s landslide victory.
Mark Hamill, Kathy Griffin, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and More Hollywood Reactions to President Biden’s Decision to Drop Out: ‘He Restored Honesty’
–– He honestly told DNC to go f**k itself.
Donald Trump Fumes Over Biden Leaving Race In Unhinged Late Night Rant: 'It's Not Over!'
–– 'I'm still on the pot!'
Nephew Says Trump Suggested Some Disabled People ‘Should Just Die’
–– After he kicked them.
Democratic consensus solidifies around Harris, should Biden step aside
–– Like Crazy Glue.
Can Kamala Harris Step Up? Asking for a Friend.
–– Magic 8 Ball replies, ‘Ask again later.’
Harris Narrows Gap Against Trump, Times/Siena Poll Finds
–– Yippee! She’s losing by less to worst human who ever sought highest office!
Major Shifts Beneath the Surface in a New Trump-Harris Poll
–– Do they count ‘beneath-the-surface’ trends November 5th?
Harris heads to Wisconsin, powered by endorsements, money and delegates
–– Did she leave Cheesehead home?
‘You think you just fell out of a coconut tree?' Kamala Harris meme resurfaces after Biden drops out
–– Media milking it.
George Clooney Endorses Kamala Harris for President After Controversial Op-Ed
–– Little Sir Echo.
Why Obama Hasn’t Endorsed Harris
–– He’s met her.
Can Barack Obama serve as vice president? Constitutional scholars disagree
–– And other pointless questions.
Barack and Michelle Obama Endorse Kamala Harris for President: “This Is Going to Be Historic”
–– Cagey enough not to say how.
In 2021, Biden asked Harris to tackle the 'root causes' of migration. Here's what followed.
–– She deepened roots.
Joe Scarborough Says Donald Trump and Republicans Are ‘Freaking Out’ Over Joe Biden’s Withdrawal: ‘Suddenly, He’s the Oldest Guy in the Race by a Long Shot’
–– Then chill when they think of Harris.
Biden dropping out 'fundamentally changes the race,' Chris Christie says
–– Thank God for expert analysis.
Axelrod: Trump ‘pretty substantial favorite’ over Harris
–– As one Democrat steps away from bong.
Agency retracts announced firing of key Baptist leader who had praised Biden’s withdrawal as a ‘selfless act’
–– Creepiness is next to godliness.
Historians say Biden’s withdrawal shows American democracy is working
–– Get back to us November 6th.
Charli XCX called Kamala Harris ‘brat.’ Here’s why that’s a strong endorsement for the candidate whose meme stock is bullish
–– If only brain-damaged 14-year-olds could vote.
Jon Stewart Has Legendary 1-Word Response To Joe Biden Dropping Out
–– Me!!!
‘Foolish, self-destructive escapade’: History professor slams Democrats pushing for Biden to drop out
–– Mercifully, party came to senses and heeded… oh, dear.
GOP VP nominee J.D. Vance is linked to Catholic Integralism. What is it?
–– Ever hear of the Inquisition…?
JD Vance Suggests Libs Think Diet Mountain Dew Is Racist, Mockery Ensues
–– Do the doo.
The Controversy Over J.D. Vance’s ‘Childless Cat Ladies’ Comment
–– Mewl train.
–– He was between pillows with gerbil?
The Evolution of Usha Vance
–– Let us praise wife of venal lickspittle.
‘Few Democrats willing to buy a Tesla' after Elon Musk backs Trump, investor warns
–– Musk’s rat love.
New Yahoo News/YouGov poll: Just 28% of Americans say assassination attempt 'changed Trump for the better'
–– Unsuccessful attempt never woulda.
Haley said in January that if Trump was GOP nominee, Harris would be president. Hear her thoughts now
–– If you can call them thoughts.
Johnson and Jeffries officially announce bipartisan task force on Trump assassination attempt
–– So you’ll have to watch failed head shot couple million more times.
A 20-year-old’s perplexing place in the catalogue of American gunmen
–– Because Oswald, others all made perfect sense.
Secret Service says it denied Trump additional resources in recent years even as his team complained
–– Campaign did reject suggested MAGA cap ear flap.
Nancy Mace Tells Secret Service Chief: ‘You’re Full Of Sh*t’
–– And she would know.
Authorities saw gunman on roof 18 minutes before Trump stepped on stage, Secret Service chief admits
–– Waved fingers disapprovingly at him.
Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle resigns
–– Couldn’t cheatle death.
John Hinckley Jr. and the Madness of American Political Violence
–– Foster hatred.
Bob Menendez will resign his US Senate seat effective August 20, sources say
–– Will go into private thievery.
Gov. Gavin Newsom issues executive order for removal of homeless encampments in California
–– And relocation to Beggarsfield.
Trump meeting with Netanyahu for first time since departing White House
–– Trump requests pix of corpses for scrapbook.
Trump tells Netanyahu there will be 'third world war' if he loses in November
–– 'And this time without the Viet Cong!'
NORAD intercepts Russian and Chinese bombers operating together near Alaska in apparent first
–– Countries claim they were practicing Christmas gift delivery run.
Sanctions Crushed Syria’s Elite. So They Built a Zombie Economy Fueled by Drugs.
–– Inspiring autocratic thugs world over.
Co-founder and alleged leader of Sinaloa Mexican drug cartel in US custody, DOJ says
–– Narcokleptic.
What to know about the Sinaloa cartel after the arrest of ‘El Mayo’
–– Mayo smeared on white bread.
Mexico wasn’t told of cartel arrests until kingpins were in U.S. custody
–– Upset they couldn’t shower with parting gifts.
Microsoft blames EU rules for world’s biggest IT outage
–– Then throws Clippy under bus.
CrowdStrike to vendors: Sorry for the global tech outage. Here’s a $10 Uber Eats voucher
–– Vendors: ‘Thanks, but we already ate s**t.’
Andrew Garfield’s Girlfriend Kate Tomas Denies ‘Horrific Accusations’ She ‘Used Magic to Seduce’ Him
–– We heard she was hex fiend.
Ryan Reynolds Met Madonna in Person to Ask if ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ Could Use ‘Like a Prayer,’ and She Had One ‘Great Note’ After Watching the Scene
–– Didn’t think she can still hit any great notes.
Dislikes Movie Multiverses: “The Death of Storytelling”
–– True, but his Indiana Jones time travel twist didn't exactly revive form.
‘Twisters’ Reignites Debate Over Steamy Scenes in Movies
–– Steamy? Not even humid.
Madonna and Twin Daughters Are Surprise Guests on Red Carpet at ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ N.Y. Premiere
–– Singer looked both parts.
Jocelyn Moorhouse Describes ‘The Fabulous Four’ As A Little Bit ‘The Golden Girls,’ A Little Bit ‘Steel Magnolias’
–– A little bit ‘much.’
James Woods Says 'Oppenheimer' EP Credit Was Kept Quiet After It Was 'Suggested' His Pro-Trump Twitter Could Screw Up the Rollout: 'It Was Painful…I Took One for the Team'
–– Lost in Woods.
Wayne Brady Shared Why He Waited So Long To Come Out To His Ex-Wife: "The Answer Is Easy"
–– Trapped in walk-in closet.
Nicole Kidman Saya Stanley Kubrick “Was Mining” Her Marriage to Tom Cruise For Eyes Wide Shut
–– From which he extracted cinematic lump of coal.
Mark Wahlberg Takes His 4 A.M. Workouts to the Next Level with a 2 A.M. Training Session: 'Get a Head Start'
–– When do acting lessons begin?
‘Barbie’ Was Supposed to Change Hollywood for Women. Why Didn’t It
–– It was a freakin’ doll advertisement!
Mattel Unveils Blind Barbie
–– Parents horrified previous versions could see.
When Barbie learned what a gynecologist was, so did many other people, according to new study
–– Hole new understanding.
Country Star Lainey Wilson Splits Pants During Faster Horses Festival Set: ‘Just Got a Real Show’
–– Reversed cowgirl.
FBI Named British Royal in Massive Sex and Spying Scandal Documents
–– Philip’s Profumotive behavior.
Princess Charlotte Is Ditching Her "Sweet Girl" Wardrobe For a "Tween Vibe"
–– This is 9-year-old they’re drooling over.
–– Each one with loosest definition.
Can Peacock Podium? NBCUniversal Bets Big on Olympics to Boost Streaming Service
–– With brass?
Saboteurs Targeted a Rail Network So Vast That It’s Impossible to Fully Secure
–– Medal in arsonery.
Snoop Dogg will carry the Olympic torch on its final leg to Paris
–– And light spliff with it.
Celine Dion Poised to Make Comeback Performance at Paris Olympics (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Another reason not to watch.
Team USA swimmers reveal one ‘foul’ habit they all do in the pool: ‘That’s just how it goes’
–– Go for the golden.
Andy Murray says Paris Olympics will be his ‘last ever tennis tournament’
–– We guess his mom cares.
This word is the ‘key’ to being treated well in France, experts say
–– Merde.
The Home Depot’s 2024 Halloween decor is here — and things are already selling out
–– How doers get more dumb.
The Amex Gold card gets a makeover: Are new Dunkin’ and Resy credits and a white gold design worth the $75 annual fee increase?
–– Dunkin’? We’d pay $750!
Woman divorces her husband after he sat in the car for too long
–– Taking dump.
This Miami billionaire just spent $44.6 million on the ‘most valuable fossil ever sold’
–– ‘My old lady!’
Pan Am is returning to skies in 2025, and packages start at $65K: What’s included?
–– Snacks from 1991.
Mass protest on Spanish island Mallorca calls for ‘limits on tourism’
–– Biting hands that feeds them euros.
The $8 Barbecue “Secret” Sauce I Can’t Stop Putting on Everything (I Wish I Tried It Sooner!)
–– Does make hoo-ha sting a bit.
Chicken wings sold as boneless can include bones, court rules
–– In Ohio where 'senators' can include J.D. Vance.
Chipotle’s CEO weighs in on the burrito bowl portion size debate
–– Insists it’s directly linked to toilet bowl size.
Experience: I’ve tried 50,000 beers
–– Since last week!
Human Consciousness Is a Side Effect of Psychedelics, Scientists Say
–– Stoned scientists.
Here Are The Specific Things Astronauts Avoid Eating And Drinking In Space, And Why
–– Well, chili, prune juice, obviously.
Philadelphia mass shooting: 3 killed, 6 injured at possible block party as suspects sought
–– Investigators can’t even establish if it was block party?
Ted Bundy’s cousin dishes on the dark family history that made a serial killer
–– Spills bloody tea.
Delaware County teacher arrested for exposing himself, school district reveals in letter to parents
–– Show and tell.
The Smell of Human Stress Leads Dogs to Make More Pessimistic Decisions, Study Suggests
–– Like desultorily chewing owner’s socks to shreds.
Baffin the polar bear dies by drowning after 'rough play' at Canada zoo
–– Got into some crazy BDSM with older bear.
Was a taxi driver from Washington, USA, the biggest ape who ever lived?
–– Or did his cab just smell that way?
Scientists Opened Up a 3,000-Year-Old Crocodile. The Contents Left Them Awestruck.
–– An alarm clock!
This 13-Year-Old Stumbled Upon a Roman-Era Ring While Hiking in Israel
–– Pretty clumsy to trip over that tiny thing.
Italy's "Tomb Of Cerberus" Has Been Opened, Revealing Incredible 2,000-Year-Old Mummy
–– Hot as Hell.
Botanists Vote to Remove Racial Slur From Hundreds of Plant Species Names
–– Fewer bigot trees?
Accidentally exposed yellowish-green crystals reveal ‘mind-blowing’ finding on Mars, scientists say
–– Marvin is so high!
Moon cave that could shelter astronauts found beneath the Sea of Tranquility
–– In case they’re attacked by Selenites?
How Soon Might the Atlantic Ocean Break? Two Sibling Scientists Found an Answer––and Shook the World
–– Wouldn’t it have to freeze first?
Jasper National Park engulfed in flames: Shocking before and after photos show famous Maligne Lodge burning as Alberta wildfire spreads
–– Maligned.
Alberta premier fights tears over Canada wildfires despite climate crisis denial
–– Suggests firefighters try sobbing flames away.
Seafood Is Getting Riskier to Eat Due to Climate Change, According to Science
–– Heat rays causing mutations!
A Final Word About My Husband, Dan
–– Fraught Collins.
John Mayall, Tireless and Influential British Blues Pioneer, Dies at 90
–– Blues breaker.
