Fore! Naught
Week of 09/20/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Golf courses — in particular Trump’s — have long proved a difficult assignment for Secret Service
–– His have worst lies.
Gingrich: Harris acted like ‘spoiled teenager’ at debate
–– Trump like ‘spoiled ham.’
Trump’s golf outings have long concerned Secret Service
–– And not just for rampant cheating.
Donald Trump Marked Safe as FBI Investigates ‘What Appears to Be an Attempted Assassination’ at His Florida Golf Club
–– Mean ball Trump shanked, nearly killed aide?
Man accused of trying to kill Trump wrote a book urging Iran to assassinate the ex-president
–– Turned out to be DIY manual.
Republicans outraged over possible assassination attempt: ‘They are going to keep trying to kill Trump’
–– Are they just trying to cheer up Dems?
Trump Asks for Cash Hours After Second Assassination Bid
–– To purchase kevlar golf vest.
Trump says if he loses election, Jewish voters would have ‘a lot’ to do with it
–– Also eyeing El Niño for blame.
Musk Posts 'No One Is Even Trying to Assassinate Biden/Kamala’
–– Musk only killing own brands.
Elon Musk steps up political giving with six-figure donation to House Republicans
–– X marks the snot.
Hollywood Can’t Ditch Its Teslas Fast Enough: “They’re Destroying Their Leases and Walking Away”
–– EekVs.
Trump quips he wishes Biden hadn’t called him: ‘He was so nice to me’
–– Don’t sweat it, was bullshit.
11-year-old Florida student arrested for threatening to commit a mass shooting, authorities say
–– All his GI Joes.
Chris Cuomo Says He Called Trump to Say ‘Sorry’ After Assassination Attempt: ‘He Is Not a Despot-in-Waiting, OK?’
–– 'And I'm utterly irrelevant in news biz so nothing I say has any impact so why am I apologizing?'
Donald Trump Declares ‘I Hate Taylor Swift’ After Pop Star’s Kamala Harris Endorsement
–– Wants to ‘pull her hair out.’
'She's Hot,' Trump Says Of Singer Nicky Jam, Who Is A Man
–– So that’s his jam?
Trump Rallygoers Say They Are Experiencing Mysterious Eye Injuries
–– Having to stare at his fat ass for 2 hours.
’Apprentice’ Producers Recall Particular Set ‘Stench’ They Just Couldn’t Shake Off
–– Like Aks body spray.
Producers had to heavily edit The Apprentice to stop Trump from looking like a ‘complete moron’, authors claim
–– And failed.
Howard Stern Hates Trump Voters and Says ‘They’re Stupid’; Trump Fires Back by Claiming Stern ‘Went Woke’ and His ‘Ratings Have Gone Down the Tubes’
–– Baby boohooey.
Trump lashes out at Nasdaq over routine trading halt of Truth Social
–– Shares displeasure.
Column: Trump and his family jump into crypto, which the FBI calls a hive of 'pervasive' criminality
–– Family or crypto?
Opinion | Trump says crime is up. The FBI says it’s down. Who’s right?
–– This National Review meatball trusts Trump.
JD Vance’s Blood-and-Soil Nationalism Finds Its Target
–– Blood and soil-your-pants.
Vance says ‘I’ve learned my lesson’ on speaking for Trump
–– Had mouth washed out with lie soap.
Stumping for Trump, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said he was being investigated for his handling of a whale carcass.
–– Spouting off.
New York Magazine’s Olivia Nuzzi on Leave for Alleged ‘Personal Relationship’ With Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
–– Nuzzi on Nutsy action?
Bill Maher Says Trump’s Racist Haitian Conspiracy Theory Is ‘Like Noah’s Ark, if Noah Was a Fat A-hole’ | Video
–– And only had loons aboard.
Johnson said he believes Trump ‘understands’ House GOP doesn’t have the votes to pass SAVE Act
–– SAVE it, fellator.
Communication Failures Plagued Deadly Trump Rally, Secret Service Finds
–– Between shooter’s synapses.
Joe Rogan praises Harris campaign with a ‘chef’s kiss’ gesture
–– Goof housekeeping seal of approval.
Pro-Trump Georgia election board votes to require hand counts of ballots
–– Now need to find poll workers who can count to ten.
Chief Counsel to Eric Adams Resigns Amid Federal Investigations
–– Hizzdizzhonor.
‘I’m a black NAZI!’: NC GOP nominee for governor made dozens of disturbing comments on porn forum
–– Big Black Cock-up.
Porn site user linked to Mark Robinson also praised Hitler’s Mein Kampf
–– And Mein Kumpf.
Shapiro forgets ID, denied alcohol while trying to celebrate canned cocktails law
–– Insists he be asked repeatedly and incredulously ‘You’re over 18?!’
Alaska man charged with threatening to kill six Supreme Court justices
–– Have to get elected President to do that.
Russia is furious over reports that a commander sent his best drone operators to die as infantrymen because they criticized him
–– Automatic expulsion.
Exploding pagers injure hundreds in attack targeting Hezbollah members, Lebanese security source says
–– What the ‘beep’?!
Secrecy is the cornerstone of Hezbollah’s military strategy. Deadly pager blasts expose a key weakness
–– Stupidity other cornerstone.
Israel Says It Killed Top Hezbollah Commander in Beirut Strike
–– Hezbollah didn’t confirm, but then they have no cell service.
–– Got message.
GOP senator tells Arab American witness at hate crimes hearing to 'hide your head in a bag'
–– He should hide head under white hood.
South Korea removed 1,300 cameras from its military bases after discovering they're designed to feed back to a Chinese server
–– Ones in shower rooms to Xi’s personal suite.
Taliban begins enforcing new draconian laws, and Afghan women despair
–– Very old new laws.
Zimbabwe to cull 200 elephants to feed citizens left hungry by drought
–– Jumbo dogs with Grey Poupon.
John Leguizamo Flips Script On Right-Wing 'DEI Hire' Insult At Emmys
–– Speech was Dreary, Egotistical, Inessential.
"Actual Comedies Deserve Better": The Internet Is Outraged That "The Bear" Is Taking Home Emmy Awards That Could Have Gone To Comedians
–– Bear: a grudge.
Billy Crudup Calls Wife Naomi Watts a 'Piece of Eye Candy' in 2024 Emmys Acceptance Speech
–– Hard and sour.
Emmys: Pommel Horse Hero Stephen Nedoroscik Lands Gold With Girlfriend
–– For mount?
‘SNL’ Turns 50. Now What? Lorne Michaels, Colin Jost and Michael Che on Election Insanity, Succession Plans and Trying to Make America Funny Again
–– No reason to start now.
Lynda Carter, Original Wonder Woman, Tells Arizonans Not To Vote For Her Sister
–– Nor Amazonians.
Don Johnson Says Being an '80s Heartthrob Was Dangerous: 'We Had to Have 24/7 Security' (Exclusive)
–– Now it’s just medical alert monitor.
Margaret Qualley Is Getting the Hang of Being a Movie Star
–– By watching real ones?
Critic’s Notebook: 76th Primetime Emmy Awards Oscillate Between Freshness and Fatigue
–– Like broken fan.
Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs Charged With Sex Trafficking, Racketeering and Transporting for Prostitution
–– Diddy? Apparently.
Sean 'Diddy' Combs back in court to request bail, complains of 'horrific' New York City jail conditions
–– ‘I wouldn’t keep a sex slave there.’
50 Cent Mocks Diddy Over Obscene Amount Of Lube Found In His Homes During Raids
–– Creams him.
Diddy's Attorney Says He Came to N.Y. to Cooperate with Authorities. Feds Believe They Found Drugs During Arrest
–– If they believe really hard, they did.
Kelly Osbourne claims rehab was 'university on how to be a better drug addict'
–– She graduated Summa Cum Loopy.
Gene Simmons Says Oasis Fans Can ‘F— Off’ If They ‘Don’t Like the Ticket Pricing': 'Don’t Buy a Ticket'
–– Not ‘Kiss Off’?
Perry Farrell’s Wife Offers Dramatic Account of Why He Assaulted Dave Navarro During Jane’s Addiction Show: ‘Perry Was a Crazed Beast for the Next Half an Hour’
–– Jerk’s addiction.
Jane’s Addiction Releases New Single ‘True Love’ — Four Days After Onstage Fight and Tour Cancellation
–– That was true hate.
Dave Grohl Reportedly Accused His Wife Of 'Flirting' With Her Tennis Coach While Hiding His Own Affair
–– Love deuce?
Look of the Week: Rihanna’s fluffy bathrobe
–– World’s laziest pop star wanted to attend product launch on divan.
Shakira Leaves Stage at Miami Club After Noticing Fan Filming Up Her Skirt
–– Checking if hips lied?
Sebastian Stan Says Bashing Marvel Movies Is ‘Really Convenient,’ but ‘I Get Protective’ Because Their ‘Intention Is Really F—ing Good’
–– Takes Stan.
‘Transformers One’ Director Josh Cooley on the Influence of Art Deco, ‘Ben-Hur’ and the Original 1986 Animated Film
–– On utter junk.
Jaleel White Reveals That Playing Steve Urkel on “Family Matters ”Left His Voice Damaged for Years
–– Left acting chops ragged.
Erik Menendez Blasts Netflix Series ‘Monsters’: ‘Ryan Murphy Cannot Be This Naive and Inaccurate’
–– Of course he can.
Florence Pugh Says ‘We Live in Time’ Inspired Her to “Be Active in My Decisions” and “Find Love”
–– So did she really say anything at all?
Demi Moore Says $12.5 Million ‘Striptease’ Salary Wasn’t About Being Compared to Bruce Willis: ‘If I’m Doing the Same Amount of Work, Why Shouldn’t I’ Be Paid?
–– ‘And there was cost of boobs.’
Kate Winslet Credits Testosterone Replacement Therapy For Her Revitalized Sex Life At 48
–– As she twirled mustache.
Dakota Fanning Says She and Sister Elle 'Would Have Died' If They Knew as Kids They'd Befriend Paris Hilton
–– Of embarrassment?
Sister Co-Founder Jane Featherstone Reflects on ‘A Difficult Few Months’ for Production Sector: ‘People Are Losing Their Jobs’
–– Weak Sister.
Harrods ‘utterly appalled’ by allegations that former owner Mohamed Al Fayed raped staff
–– We’re appalled he can’t face charges.
Texans’ Joe Mixon was hurt on apparent hip-drop tackle, but it wasn't penalized
–– Refs not hip?
Los Angeles Dodgers’ Shohei Ohtani becomes first player to join 50/50 club
–– Or did he found club?
Soccer player arrested in connection with almost $800,000 worth of cannabis seized at airport
–– Takes header.
Opinion | Does having kids make us happier?
–– Probably not miserable brats you raised.
Lego’s 2024 Advent calendars include festive new Star Wars and Marvel sets
–– In manger God says, ‘Luke, I am your Father.’
How woman with coconut placard was tracked down, taken to court - and acquitted
–– Milked for all it was worth.
Farewell to a Lost Love of Lunches Past: Liverwurst
–– Coldest cut of all.
Boar’s Head plant closure could wreck this tiny Virginia town
–– No bologna?
The Customized Drink Is Out of Control
–– Last seen careening down highway after hitting lamp post, cow.
Coffee could be more than a morning pick-me-up, according to new research
–– Sure, could be mid-afternoon pick-me-up, evening pick-me-up…
Is streetwear finally over?
–– Question keeping us up at night, too.
’I tried to say no repeatedly': More men accuse ex-Abercrombie boss over sex events
–– A&F AF.
‘I am a rapist just like all the others in this room,’ says Frenchman accused of mass rape of wife
–– Outraged Pepe LePew, “Moi?!”
Search for suspect in Kentucky highway shooting ends with discovery of body believed to be his
–– He'd collected several.
Mouse crawling out of meal forces plane to make early landing
–– Flight attendant warned what would happen if she gave him cookie.
4 Alaska Airlines flight attendants were taken to hospital after reporting an 'unidentifiable odor' that caused plane to divert
–– 5th attendant blamed taleout from airport Chili's.
He bought a cruise ship on Craigslist and spent over $1 million restoring it. Then his dream sank
–– This week in ‘relatable stories.’
Why do big dogs die young?
–– They’re only good boys?
Runaway penguin found on the shores of Japan
–– More waddleaway.
Discover the world's oldest wild bird — still going strong in its 70s
–– Emergency alert button around Albatross neck.
Huge python grabs Thai woman in her kitchen, squeezes her two hours before she can be freed
–– Turns out he was just happy to see her.
Rare polar bear shot dead by police in Iceland after being thought a threat
–– Was drunk on Brennivín, talking crazy about geysers.
Remarkable 200-Year-Old Rock Painting May Depict a Strange Animal That Went Extinct 250 Million Years Ago
–– You do math.
A space rock is about to become Earth’s new ‘mini-moon’
–– Quote marks very scientific.
Boeing head of troubled defense, space unit to depart immediately
–– Through blown cabin door.
A bottle of water per email: the hidden environmental costs of using AI chatbots
–– Also amount metaphorically pissed down back.
Running an electric car is twice as expensive as a petrol one
–– Plug ugly.
Superbug crisis could get worse, killing nearly 40 million people by 2050, study estimates
–– How about alter ego, common cold?
Tito Jackson, brother of Michael Jackson and Jackson 5 co-founder, dies at 70
–– Tito on rocks.
JD Souther, Singer Who Co-Wrote Eagles Classics Like ‘New Kid in Town,’ Dies at 78
–– Gone Souther.
