A Vance to the Rear
Week of 08/09/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
How Trump-Vance and Harris-Walz Made It to the Presidential Ticket
–– A God that hates us.
Trump Media reports $16.4 million quarterly loss
–– On top of content which is total loss.
Whirlwind Harris Veepstakes Reaches Its Most Eager Phase Yet
–– Still plenty of time to blow it.
How Kamala Harris Trusted Her Gut and Picked Tim Walz
–– Had to cut one.
'Tampon Tim': How internet users have redefined the Trump campaign's attack on Tim Walz
–– For other idiot internet users.
Walz’s ‘couch’ quip, and Democrats’ growing comfort in going low
–– Casting 'couch.'
JD Vance Attacked Tim Walz’s Military Record. This Former John Kerry Strategist Has Thoughts.
–– Gave it a swift boat?
Tim Walz is riding the wave of the vibes election
–– Can you mail-in vibes on November 5?
Steve Martin Turns Down Playing Tim Walz on ‘SNL’
–– Walz's off.
Trump Pulls Out of ABC Debate With Harris, Makes Pitch for Fox News
–– Had plenty of practice with Melania.
Donald Trump Says He Once Feared for His Life when His Helicopter ‘Went Down.’ His ‘Witness’ Says It Never Happened
–– ‘Helicopter’ his term for intern who kept hovering over him.
Emhoff acknowledges affair during first marriage after tabloid report
–– First gentleman’s second lady.
Opinion Biden’s candidacy is over, but Biden’s presidency still excels
–– But who really wants effective Commander-in-Chief?
Appeals court blocks Biden student debt plan as Supreme Court battle brews
–– A loan again, naturally.
Pelosi Says She Pushed Biden to Step Aside Because of Need to Defeat Trump
–– If only she’d considered next step.
Has Harris finally broken Trump? He's flailing, glitching and running scared.
–– Current polling pretty scary.
Opinion Harris’s border portfolio was irrelevant to America’s immigration challenges
–– And this from admiring supporter.
Defense secretary abruptly revokes plea deal with alleged 9/11 mastermind KSM, co-conspirators
–– Austin powers down.
Trump slams Stephanopoulos over ‘nasty and totally inappropriate’ Donalds interview
–– Has he gone completely schizoid?… oh, Byron Donalds.
Pakistani national with ties to Iran charged in connection to a foiled assassination plot potentially targeting Trump
–– Hopes Trump campaign.
JD Vance’s Marine buddies back his service over his politics
–– Back his Diet Mountain Dew jokes over his politics.
JD Vance’s Wife: My Husband Only Meant to Insult People Who Actively Choose Not to Have Kids Not People Who Are Trying but Are Unsuccessful
–– And who treat their cats like children, not eat stray ones like hillbillies.
’We lost sight of him’: Radio traffic shows failed search for Trump rally shooter
–– Sad when social misfit isn’t seen.
Man who shot Reagan reacts to Trump's assassination attempt
–– Registers 2.4 on Hinckley scale.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Says He Dumped a Dead Bear in Central Park in Video With Roseanne Barr
–– Somehow lowers Barr.
Joe Rogan Supports Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for President: ‘He’s the Only One That Makes Sense to Me’
–– ‘Same worm ate both our brains.'
Jill Stein recruiting Palestinian Americans for her running mate position
–– Expects to name Secretary of Health and Hamas Services.
‘Squad’ member Cori Bush will lose Democratic primary in Missouri, CNN projects
–– Beats Bush’s.
Has the Long Friendship of Bill Gates and Warren Buffett Reached Its Final Act?
–– Will Warren rebuffett his advances?
Can Fed Officials Still Nail the Landing? As Rate Cuts Near, It’s a Moment of Truth.
–– On balance?
Wall Street banker bonuses forecast to rise 35% this year
–– Prediction takes crystal balls.
Trump congratulates Putin over deal that brought Evan Gershkovich home
–– The art of the deligitimate.
Putin vows support to North Korea after devastating floods
–– Scum together.
War Shatters Dating Scene for Women in Ukraine
–– Have to Netflix and jill.
Hamas announces Yahya Sinwar as head of political bureau
–– Painting second target on back for Israel.
Israeli strike kills senior Hamas figure in south Lebanon
–– Sledge Hamas.
Hamas May Emerge Battered, but Not Beaten, From Israel’s Latest Blows
–– Claim Western analysts who have no fucking idea.
Cate Blanchett Says 'No One Got Paid Anything' to Film 'Lord of the Rings': 'I Basically Got Free Sandwiches'
–– Samwich Hamgee, Pulled Orc, Baggins Lettuce & Tomato.
White House fury as Israeli minister attacks Gaza ‘surrender’
–– As Israelis surrender to bloodlust.
Iran Arrests Dozens in Search for Suspects in Killing of Hamas Leader
–– Have Shi'a Holmes on case.
Mossad hired Iranian agents to plant bombs in Haniyeh’s residence
–– Provide burn down service.
Rioters attack hotels used to house asylum seekers amid worst UK disorder in years
–– Infestation by louts.
Maduro lost election, tallies collected by Venezuela’s opposition show
–– So he calmly stepped aside and accepted… what?
Bangladeshi Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina resigns and flees country
–– Sheikh a leg.
Elon Musk Responds to Don Lemon Lawsuit, Claiming Journalist Made a ‘Series of Impressively Insane Demands’
–– To ‘entirely bonkers boss.’
Taylor Swift's Vienna shows canceled after thwarted terror attack
–– Disasters averted.
‘Eyes of Tammy Faye’ Actor Gabriel Olds Arrested, Charged With Seven Felony Sexual Assault Counts
–– Even he can’t believe it.
David Lynch Reveals Emphysema Diagnosis, Can’t ‘Leave the House’ or Direct in Person: ‘I Would Do It Remotely if It Comes to It’
–– All his direction seemed pretty remote.
Kourtney Kardashian’s Son Mason Decides ‘Not’ to Live With Mom Anymore: She’s ‘Heartbroken’
–– 14-year-old mixed best martinis.
Liza Minnelli Is Writing a Memoir Because She’s “Mad as Hell”
–– We already knew she was a little off.
Kate Winslet Says Crew Member Told Her to ‘Sit Up Straighter’ to Hide Her ‘Belly Rolls’ on Camera; She Fired Back: ‘Not on Your Life! It’s Deliberate’
–– Choose fat.
Addison Rae Steams Up Car Windows on a Sexy Drive in Music Video for New Single 'Diet Pepsi'
–– Isn’t that sweet.
Joaquin Phoenix Abandons Todd Haynes’ Gay Romance Movie, Just Five Days Before Filming
–– Pulls out of back end deal.
Tom Cruise Was ‘Protective’ of Gina Gershon While Filming Her First Sex Scene, Even When She ‘Kneed Him’ in the Face: ‘I Just Broke His Nose’
–– That how he went down?
Jamie Lee Curtis Asks Crew to Wear Name Tags to Get Rid of Any 'Hierarchy' That Exists Among the Actors and Them on Set: 'I Want It to Be Equitable'
–– Not cover for incipient senescence.
Andy Warhol’s Long-Lost Portrait of Blondie Singer Debbie Harry Resurfaces in Delaware
–– The tedium is high.
The internet is changing how we see art. Maybe that’s okay.
–– Because we have no taste.
House of the Dragon’ Fans Upset by Season 2 Finale: “Wait, That’s It?!”
–– Fire off complaints.
Marina Abramovic Wants to Live, Laugh, Love
–– She's always been life of party.
I Went to a Movie Theater to Watch 73 Minutes of Cat Videos
–– Want pity or contempt?
Breaking the Pastel Barrier: How ‘Miami Vice’ Changed Menswear Forever
–– Like pastelence.
Prince Harry Thought King Charles Would Have Forgiven Him For Everything By Now
–– Even exploding whoopee cushion?
The White Sox narrowly avoided a record losing streak. They’re still a mess.
–– Sox beyond belief.
US swimmer Alex Walsh loses a bronze because of a DQ, less than an hour before her sister won a gold
–– Bloated on Blizzard?
French Pole Vaulter’s Bulge Costs Him an Olympic Medal
–– Pole fault.
Simone Biles, in Paris finale, stumbles but still shines
–– Because editors won’t let us tarnish beatification narrative.
Paris Eatery Instantly Regrets Turning Away Serena Williams
–– Due to her grand slam level of entitlement.
Paraguay’s Luana Alonso Kicked Out of Olympic Village After ‘Creating an Inappropriate Atmosphere’
–– French cheese just didn’t agree with her.
Imane Khelif wins Olympic boxing gold medal, ending trying Games with triumph
–– Trying too be woman.
Spectator dragged from arena for holding up Taiwan banner during Olympic badminton match
–– By shuttled cocks.
Utah Bans 13 Books From All Public Schools
–– One for each literate student.
The Misunderstood Reason Millions of Americans Stopped Going to Church
–– Latin.
Single Man Rents Billboard to Find a Date, Promises He 'Has Normal Hobbies' and 'Can Cook (Well)’
–– Ans 'isn't least bit desperate.'
FDA rejects MDMA as a psychedelic treatment for PTSD
–– But want to keep testing to see if it relieves stress of testing.
Supplying Saks Was a Soapmaker’s Dream Until He Got a $74 Check
–– Bar minimum.
How to use a meat thermometer for the most accurate results
–– Bend over…
Happy 100th to Caesar salad, born in Mexico and celebrated worldwide
–– Crouton
Don't Skip This Step When Making Lobster Rolls
–– Overcharge outrageously.
The Controversial Ingredient Audrey Hepburn Used In Her Pasta Sauce
–– Air.
I Reviewed Restaurants for 12 Years. They’ve Changed, and Not for the Better.
–– Wells done.
Our food critic’s 8 restaurant red flags to avoid a bad meal out
–– 3) Stars and Bars.
‘My teeth are 3 shades lighter': This popular electric toothbrush is down to $15
–– Now pleasing taupe.
The Zombie Pharmacies That Are Holding Back New York City Retail
–– And the absolutely awful skin care products they offer.
Could ‘world’s smallest mountain range’ get new name? What Sutter Buttes could be called
–– Subtle Butts?
‘Worst season ever’: How things got ugly on Greece’s ‘Instagram island’
–– Feta worst than death.
This US woman drove solo from Georgia to Mongolia via Russia. It wasn’t the fun overlanding expedition she expected
–– Expected more opportunities for antiquing.
Woman dies after becoming trapped in baggage claim equipment at Chicago O’Hare airport
–– What goes around…
US woman found chained to tree in India tied herself, say police
–– Embarked on long-term relationship.
U.S. fugitive dubbed "The Devil" caught in Mexico after 20 years on run
–– And are his cloven feet sore!
Woman begged for boyfriend to be sectioned day before he killed her
–– Cut into little pieces?
The wild ways animals get drunk and high in nature
–– Supplied by push babies.
Which animal has the most sex?
–– Push push babies.
Dogs Are the Best! But They Highlight Our Hypocrisy.
–– About pigs! Oh, Nicky, you’re a hoot. A snort?
My Husband Abandoned Our Dog After the Divorce. Now He’s Back With Unbelievable Demands.
–– Doggy-style privileges, hourly ear rubs, unlimited treats.
Veterinary Office Staff Band Together to Give Pit Bull a Nail Trim and Cute Chaos Ensues
–– No longer have own nails to clip!
Bear walks into classroom ahead of 1st day of school
–– Ready to teach young males way of wild.
Intimate photos show chimps using insects as medicine to treat each other's wounds in Gabon
–– ‘Treat’ as in rub ineffectually over them.
"It looks like a rotting plastic bag." Astonishingly strange half-a-billion-year-old slug discovered in China
–– Not "totes adorable?"
Stunning specimen of rare ‘demon duck’ fossil unearthed in Australian dig
–– Scientists describe as an 'more dastardly Daffy.'
Fossils Shed New Light on Small 'Hobbit-Like' Humans That Lived on a Remote Island
–– Shire accommodations.
Archaeologists Found a Secret Stash of Gold Coins That Rewrite the History of War
–– Though slowly with not-great writing implements.
Boeing Starliner astronauts have now been in space more than 60 days with no end in sight
–– And Marooned,
Humans Could Warm Up Mars for Space Travelers by Spraying Tiny Metal Rods Into Its Atmosphere
–– Or massive orbiting heat lamps. Or, like, huge sterno cans. Nuclear tiki torches?
Hurricane Debby walloping Florida towns still recovering from Idalia, Ian
–– When will these yahoos get message?
Is COVID endemic yet? Yep, says the CDC. Here's what that means
–– We give up.
Charles Cyphers, ‘Halloween’ Actor, Dies at 85
–– DeCyphers.
Ina Jaffe, stalwart NPR correspondent, dies at 75
–– Makes deadline.
