Black Ish
Week of 08/02/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Donald Trump falsely suggests Kamala Harris ‘happened to turn Black’
–– Like his soul.
Is stress causing my eyelid to twitch?
–– Or this *!#@in’ election!?
US-Russia prisoner swap frees Evan Gershkovich, more than a dozen others
–– All this, and Evan too.
Biden tells Americans freed from Russian detention, 'Welcome almost home'
–– ‘When you see the shape of this country, you might want to go back.’
Putin’s arrest tactics pay off as Russia brings home its own — even a killer
–– Are you trying to tell us he’s not good guy?
JD Vance credits Trump for prisoner swap Biden negotiated
–– But only because he’s fuzzy-faced liar.
Biden endorses Supreme Court reforms, amendment to limit immunity
–– As senile dotards do.
Harris raises $310 million in July as campaign shakeup energizes donors
–– Filling HOPE chest.
Opinion | Harris’s electoral path will probably be more like Biden’s than Obama’s
–– Not Hillary’s?
GOP senator, Fox News host battle over Harris ‘ding dong’ remark
–– Kennedy should be kneed in dang dong.
Young climate advocates think Harris will ‘set that bar’ on environment—despite Biden’s past wins
–– And mostly because he's old.
Trump urges Christians to vote: ‘You won’t have to do it’ in four years
–– ‘After I’ve initiated Armageddon.’
With Vance’s rocky debut, Republicans ask if Trump’s VP bet will pay off
–– Crap’s out.
Inside the powerful Peter Thiel network that anointed JD Vance
–– Got Thiel of approval.
Usha Vance told friends Trump appalled her. Now she’s working to elect him.
–– Usha Daddy?
Vance defends Trump over former president’s false claims about Harris’ racial identity
–– Insists own wife only ‘happened to turn Indian.’
WSJ editorial board slams Vance over cat lady remark
–– Puss in perspective.
Trump’s Truth Social nears lowest audience mark since its launch, report says
–– The awful Truth.
Fred Trump III in New Interview: ‘My Uncle Donald Is Atomic Crazy’
–– Is that what causes orange glow?
Gunman at Trump Rally Was Often a Step Ahead of the Secret Service
–– They were this Clouseau.
Judge permanently blocks part of Florida’s ‘Stop WOKE Act’
–– Put to sleep.
Judge temporarily bans Wayne LaPierre from returning to lead the National Rifle Association but does not appoint a monitor
–– LaPierre, ‘Aw, shoot!’
Hamas chief's killing in Iran fuels fears of retaliation, Israel stays silent on incident
–– Can’t world just sit back, enjoy for minute?
Israel to send delegation to Cairo for Gaza ceasefire talks; Hamas calls it 'empty statements'
–– But will still send life-size cutout of Haniyeh.
Bomb Smuggled Into Tehran Guesthouse Months Ago Killed Hamas Leader
–– Offered exceptional boom service.
The Israel-Hezbollah war that no one wants could finally blow up
–– MSM: ‘We hope, we hope, we hope.’
The Gaza archaeologist: Inflation is 500% – and the tents are like an oven
–– On bright side, rents are way down.
Pentagon tells Israel it will adjust US troops in Middle East
–– To deploy squad of chiropractors.
US reaches plea deal with alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed
–– Pleads the filth.
World leaders cast doubt on Maduro’s claim of victory in Venezuelan election
–– Are convinced he was forced out in 2014.
Blinken: ‘Overwhelming evidence’ González won presidential election in Venezuela
–– Can he Caracas case?
North Korean officials seek medicines for Kim's obesity-related health problems, Seoul says
–– How about natural treatment like muzzle?
Kim Jong Un Drives Into Deep Flood in His Lexus LX 600
–– Seen reaching into water to feed on fish.
Kim Jong Un's daughter in training amid reports from South Korea that father's health may be declining
–– Downing buckets of deep-fried pork ribs, banging back quarts of vodka.
Was Josh Hartnett a Millennial Gay Stepping-Stone? An Investigation.
–– You must be Joshing.
Jimmy Kimmel, John Mulaney Both Pass On Hosting Oscars Ceremony
–– Least rewarding job in show biz after Kevin Spacey's intimacy coordinator.
Robert Downey Jr. Back as Doctor Doom for Two ‘Avengers’ Movies
–– He's victor Von Doom.
Jeremy Renner Says Robert Downey Jr. Kept His Marvel Return a Secret From the Original 'Avengers' Cast: 'The Son of a B—- Didn't Say Anything!'
–– Irony, man.
Jonathan Majors ‘Heartbroken’ Over Robert Downey Jr.’s Doctor Doom Replacing Kang in Next ‘Avengers’ Films; He’d Still Return to MCU ‘If That’s What Marvel Wants’
–– Just Kang believe it.
Harrison Ford Says Red Hulk Acting in 'Captain America 4' Required 'Not Caring' and 'Being an Idiot for Money, Which I've Done Before. I Don't Mean to Disparage It'
–– He could use some disparage counseling.
Jamie Lee Curtis Vows to “Do Better” After Saying MCU Was in a “Bad” Phase
–– And really express how terrible recent fims are.
Keanu Reeves Thanks His Mom for “Life, for Storytelling, for Love” at Comic-Con
–– Cool it, dude, ladies already love you.
Mel Brooks Recalls Many, Many Notes on ‘Blazing Saddles’ from Warner Bros.: ‘I Would’ve Had an 11-Minute Movie’
–– More than enough for film’s 3 funny jokes.
Why Was Jessica Chasten and Anne Hathaway’s New Movie Buried?
–– One that made $2,682,210 worldwide in nearly 5 months?
Jennifer Lopez Swaps Her Engagement Ring from Ben Affleck to Her Right Hand: See the Photos
–– Ahh-huh?
’SNL’ Castmember Punkie Johnson Departing After Four Seasons
–– Steam Punkie.
Molly Kearney Leaving 'Saturday Night Live': 'It Was Such a Dream Come True'
–– Whole cast fantasized about her departure.
Meshell Ndegeocello Could Have Had Stardom but Chose Music Instead
–– Because stardom is merely matter of choice.
’Your jokes are great, but you’re just dressed too f***ing sexy.’ Why what these comedians wear on stage matters
–– Gabriel Iglesias, ‘Why, thank you.’
Equestrian riders at Paris Olympics 'horrified' by video of Dujardin whipping a horse
–– They beat metaphorical dead horse.
Dozens of Princess Anne Photos Were Taken During Surprise Olympics Appearance—But I Noticed Something Strange About Every Picture
–– Princess Anne!
Let them eat lobster! France spent over $500,000 on a state dinner for King Charles
–– Camilla had crabs.
Speaker Johnson blasts Olympics for mocking Christians, Last Supper
–– He's last sucker.
Olympics ‘Last Supper’ Star Threatens to Sue Her Right-Wing Haters
–– And crucify in court.
“It didn’t taste great”: Olympic swimming in the Seine finally happens
–– Coaches wait on shore with Stanley Cups filled with Bordeaux.
Simone Biles Seemingly Takes Jab at Donald Trump After Paris Olympics Victory: “I Love My Black Job”
–– Flip remark.
The internet is in love with South Korea’s record-breaking Olympic shooter
–– Until squirrel caught eye.
Pictured: ‘Curious kiss’ between Macron and French sports minister
–– Looks like love all for former tennis pro.
USA Gymnastics' Jade Carey explains fall on floor, says she hasn't been feeling well
–– Floored.
Italy's Carini abandons fight against Khelif, fuelling gender debate
–– Left her careeny.
Tearful Gauff Complains of Being ‘Cheated’ as She Crashes Out of Olympic Singles
–– Gauff figure!
US women's saber fencers lose Olympic bouts overshadowed by a match-fixing investigation
–– Saber toot.
Why do Olympic medal winners get a cardboard box – and what’s in it?
–– Clean urine.
Antidoping Agency Acknowledges Concern Over Use of Tainted Food as Excuse
–– Or ‘aliens abducted and drugged me’ defense.
Kendall Jenner Is Literally Dressed as an Athlete at the 2024 Olympics
–– Which event do you wear jeans, loafers?
What adults lost when kids stopped playing in street
–– Some goddamned peace and quiet!
A Bat Flew Into My Bedroom and Reminded Me of All We Take for Granted
–– Took rabies steps.
Can ‘nose blindness’ keep you from smelling your bad breath?
–– Can ‘eye blindness’ keep you from seeing own ugly face?
Delta CEO lashes out at CrowdStrike: This cost us $500 million and they offered us nothing
–– Delta dawn.
‘The crew is vomiting': United Airlines flight diverted after 'biohazard' reported
–– Passenger dropped payload.
The ‘secret language’ hidden behind those ‘ding’ sounds on an airplane — here’s what they really mean
–– Ding along.
‘Dancing With Death’: What It’s Like to Dismantle a Ship
–– Wearing ballet slippers.
’A point of no return:’ Why Europe has become an epicenter for anti-tourism protests this summer
–– Suffering Tourist's Syndrome.
NYC seeks rat mitigation ambassadors
–– Rat migration ambassadors did job too well.
It’s not 8 glasses a day anymore. Here’s how much water you should drink each day
–– Believe us, never was.
Panda Express brings back beloved menu item after significant public pressure: 'I've never been so happy and thankful'
–– Confucius say, ‘It is time to reevaluate your entire existence.’
Americans keep turning their backs on McDonald’s
–– And releasing wind in general direction.
11 Dishes You Should Avoid Ordering From The Cheesecake Factory
–– And other 230-odd that taste like microwaved styrofoam.
Bartenders Agree: This Is the Only Cocktail You Should Drink With a Burger
–– Most expensive on menu.
The Ultimate Ingredient That Adds A Final Sprinkle Of Flavor To Chicken Salad
–– Meth.
Lululemon pulls new leggings line that gives customers ‘long butt’
–– Impacts bottom line?
Man dies after attempting illegal BASE jump at the Grand Canyon: NPS
–– Not Particularly Smart?
A Pattern of Lavish Spending at a Leading L.G.B.T.Q. Nonprofit
–– GLAAD to hear about it.
California education official embezzled over $16 million, hid cash in mini fridge
–– Cool cash.
Green Power Ranger actor sought for alleged Idaho assault of elderly man
–– Should follow example of previous star.
Starving American Yoga Student Chained to Tree ‘For 40 Days’
–– Finally branched out.
DNA tests are uncovering the true prevalence of incest
–– Results grandfathered in.
Taylor Swift ‘in shock’ after stabbing rampage at English children’s dance class leaves three dead and more injured
–– She’s injured party when children knifed to death in Southport, England?
Do fish have tongues?
–– Kiss and find out.
Can fish move from pond to pond on duck's feet?
–– Firstly, can fish have duck feet?
For Marine Species Across New York Harbor, the Oyster Is Their World
–– Clam up!
Komodo dragons have iron-tipped teeth, new study finds
–– Bitchin’ grills.
Taco-Shaped Creature Had a 'Major Edge' in Evolution—and 30 Pairs of Spiny Legs
–– Not exactly Taco Belle.
Why Are Giant, Ancient Tropical Trees Dying?
–– They’re ancient?
How did Neanderthals disappear? New DNA analysis sheds light on the mystery
–– Knew ‘Evanesco.’
Archaeologists Uncovered a Mysterious Ancient Tablet With Major Historical Implications
–– Inscription reads, ‘Forget all that 2012 Calendar bullshit.’
Archaeologists Dug Up a Wall-and Uncovered Proof of Spartacus’ Legendary Rebellion
–– Kirk Douglas’ loincloth.
Egyptian Mummy Dubbed ‘Screaming Woman’ May Have Died in Agony
–– Or laughing hysterically at Luxor.
Pot overflowing with gold coins discovered in ancient Greek city in Turkey
–– Beside fossilized leprechaun wearing chiton.
Parasites Are Everywhere. Why Do So Few Researchers Study Them?
–– They’d only hit up for cash.
No, Dinosaurs Did Not Trudge Through Thick Rainforests
–– Researchers find traces of primordial zip lines.
Human Consciousness Is An Illusion, Scientists Say
–– We don’t believe they exist.
Surprising element found in traces of Tycho Brahe’s alchemy lab confounds scientists
–– Wonder Brahe.
These Scientists Were Shamed for Claiming Signs of Life on Venus, But Now They're Back With More Evidence
–– Because they love abuse.
A surprising byproduct of wildfires: Contaminated drinking water
–– Liquid Death?
COVID surging in California, nears two-year summer high. 'Almost everybody has it'
–– Absurd anecdotal exclamation really bolsters credibility.
‘The virus wants to live.’ Why California’s big COVID spike isn’t going to ease anytime soon
–– Seen drunk at Spago flashing Amex black card, at Lambo dealership asking about ‘fully-loaded model’, at tattoo parlor getting ‘Kill ‘Em All’ tramp stamp.
Richard Simmons' Housekeeper of 35 Years Breaks Her Silence: 'He Died Happy' (Exclusive)
–– After massage?
Gospel group may have suffered 'dark terror' in fatal plane crash that killed 7: expert
–– In shorts.
William Calley, convicted over the My Lai massacre in Vietnam, dies aged 80
–– My Lai in state.
