DOGE Style
Week of 12/06/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump has assembled an uber-wealthy Cabinet, raising risks of ethics conflicts
–– Did we übermenschen they're all unqualified?
Who's Kash Patel, Trump’s pick for FBI director?
–– Imagine Inspector Clouseau with lobotomy.
Trump says he will replace FBI Director Wray with loyalist Kash Patel
–– Kash drain.
Ex-Mike Pence Aide Olivia Troye Says Kash Patel Threatened to Sue Her for Calling Him a ‘Delusional Liar’ on MSNBC
–– Because she didn’t add 'devastatingly handsome fantasist.'
GOP’s thin House majority could complicate Trump’s policy plans
–– Especially in cranial circumference.
Washington DC reacts to President Biden pardoning son Hunter in shock decision
–– Decided to act shocked?
Stephen Colbert Says He’s Not Sure if Biden Was Right to Pardon Hunter, but He ‘Earned That World’s Greatest Dad Mug’ | Video
–– Only bigger uproar if he hadn't pardoned.
Was the Trump administration going to pursue Hunter Biden? There were clues
–– #1: They would be Trump administration.
Jon Stewart Says the Media Is Making Americans Think 'We're Plunging to Our Deaths' After Trump's Win: It's Not Helpful to 'Get Us S—ing Our Pants This Much'
–– Same media, including you, convinced enough idiots Biden Administration was hell on earth.
White House staffers angry they might not get goodbye photos with President Biden
–– Hunter will fill in for $20 a pop.
Opinion - Biden needs to issue one more pardon before his term ends — for Donald Trump
–– Opinion – this writer is high.
Biden, in Africa, pushes to cement ties before leaving office
–– Are cement ties local fashion?
Centrist Democrats should stop blaming progressives for Harris’s loss
–– No matter how guilty.
Canada’s ambassador says Trudeau told Trump the Canadian border can't be compared to Mexico's
–– Hours-long explanation of differentiating North from South went nowhere.
Does Trump want to annex Canada?
–– How many properties has he got there?
After Trump's tariff threat, Mexico says Canada wishes it 'had the cultural riches Mexico has'
–– C'mon, look at popularity of poutine restaurants, Gordon Lightfoot craze.
Trump threatens 100% tariff on BRICS countries if they pursue creating new currency
–– Unless it has his face on it.
Dollar Tree may stop selling some products because of Trump’s tariffs
–– OK, so there's one plus.
China bans exports to US of gallium, germanium, antimony in response to chip sanctions
–– Threatens to cut back on adamantium, unobtanium.
TikTok Faces U.S. Ban After Losing Bid to Overturn New Law
–– Which could result in catastrophic loss of fads.
Bernie Sanders and Elon Musk are on the same page about auditing the Pentagon and slashing the defense budget
–– Another reason why it will never happen.
Tesla cofounder says humanity is underperforming and could stand to 'crank up the intensity' like Elon Musk
–– While marketing designer meth.
Rep. Crockett compares meeting with Musk, Ramaswamy about DOGE to visiting Jan 6 defendants in jail
–– Doozy Crockett.
Village People Founder Doubles Down on Letting Trump Use ‘Y.M.C.A.,’ Slams ‘Gay Anthem’ Label
–– Offers president elect full body massage.
Trump Defends Hegseth as ‘Fantastic’ for Defense Secretary
–– As in ‘conceived or seemingly conceived by unrestrained fancy.’
Pete Hegseth’s Mother Accused Her Son of Mistreating Women for Years
–– Sentenced to maternal damnation.
Ann Coulter Slams Controversial Trump Cabinet Nominee As 'Sleazy' Serial Adulterer
–– Reaches Coulter sack.
Pete Hegseth vows he won't drink 'a drop of alcohol' if confirmed as defense secretary
–– But that’s just coke talking.
David Frum Says MSNBC’s ‘Efforts to Appease’ Trump by Apologizing for His Joke About Pete Hegsesth’s Drinking Are ‘Very Ominous’
–– A minor hiccup?
Cheryl Hines Posts Video of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Showering to Promote Beauty Products
–– That’s pretty, pretty, pretty grim.
Giuliani was indicted, found liable for defamation and nearly bankrupt. Now he could land in jail
–– Go on!
McConnell cries foul after 2 Democratic judges cancel retirement after Trump victory
–– Or it might be due to soiling own pants.
Mike Johnson says he’s aiming to ax 75 percent of all federal agencies with Elon Musk’s help
–– Remember when government is bigger in four years.
Speaker Johnson on UK assisted dying bill: ‘Shameful day for the English-speaking world’
–– Which discounts half of House Republicans.
Pelosi Secretly Orchestrating Another Attempted Shake-Up of Dem Leadership
–– ‘Cause first one went so great.
Trump selects Jared Kushner’s father, Charles Kushner, for ambassador to France
–– Figures French love a rogue?
Barron Trump heard in clip of dad asking UFC’s Dana White, ‘Can we make him into a fighter?’ makes supporters freak out: ‘Such a gentleman!’
–– And more tall tales.
Trump Promises ‘All Hell to Pay in the Middle East’ if Hamas Does Not Release Hostages by Inauguration Day
–– Will share some of hell he’ll visit on U.S.?
Tiffany Trump’s father-in-law Massad Boulos to become senior presidential adviser on Arab affairs
–– Her nanny undersecretary of Latin Affairs.
Trump hires Pete Navarro, who just served a four-month prison stint for contempt of Congress, as senior counselor
–– Which is how criminals operate.
How Kristi Noem, Trump’s homeland security pick, became an immigration ‘zealot’
–– Shared RFK Jr.’s worm.
Ted Cruz, GOP lawmakers urge SCOTUS to end 'Mexico's assault on our Second Amendment'
–– Because, like, we share Constitution.
Joe Rogan Says He Endorsed Trump Due to Concerns About Tim Walz’s Honesty
–– This week in ‘that makes perfect sense.’
Jeff Bezos Says He Is “Proud” of Decision to End Endorsements at Washington Post, “Very Optimistic” About Second Trump Term
–– Insists his bullshit, “even taste great.”
Director of ‘2000 Mules’ Acknowledges the Conspiratorial Film Was Flawed
–– That would be old 1 Ass, Dinesh D’Souza.
Nick Fuentes facing battery charge after 'your body, my choice' confrontation at his Illinois home
–– Has nuts attached to electrodes?
Texas is gearing up in a big way for Trump’s mass deportation campaign
–– Considering mass celebratory piñata burnings.
Mexican Cartels Lure Chemistry Students to Make Fentanyl
–– And receive PhD in Highest Ed.
Zelensky willing to cede territory to Russia in exchange for NATO protection — in stark departure from previous stance
–– Cede error of his ways?
National security advisor Jake Sullivan says Biden told him to oversee a 'massive surge' of weapons deliveries to Ukraine before his term ends
–– Parting shots?
South Korean Lawmakers Vote to Defy President, Demanding an End to Martial Law
–– Crackdown backdown?
South Koreans call for president's impeachment as he’s investigated for insurrection
–– Seek to impose partial law.
South Korea president survives impeachment after governing lawmakers boycott vote
–– Yoon swoon.
Syrian rebels take Hama, a second major city, in another blow to Assad
–– Ready to drop Hama.
Pressure Mounts on Syria’s Assad as Rebels Threaten Damascus From South and North
–– Couldn’t happen to nastier guy.
Assad’s family ‘flees’ to Russia – but Kremlin ‘won’t come’ to Syrian leader’s rescue
–– Did consider sending war dead from Ukraine as literal cannon fodder, but no regime troops left to fire them.
Iran passes controversial ‘chastity’ law imposing even harsher dress restrictions. The president doesn’t like it
–– Wants to wear sexy dress he chooses.
Protesters gather for third night of demonstrations after Georgia announces suspension of EU talks
–– In Tbilisi peach pies thrown in anger.
Los Angeles Times Owner Plans to Launch Tech-Driven “Bias Meter” On Articles Next Year
–– Sounds like by ass meter.
Jodie Turner-Smith on Portraying a Sudanese Woman in ‘The Agency’: “We Should All Be Able to Play Each Other”
–– How wee is that ‘we?’
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin support daughter Apple at debutante ball debut
–– Was she listing?
Dick Van Dyke Says He’s “Not Afraid” of Dying Ahead of 99th Birthday, Reflects on Life and Career in Coldplay’s New Music Video
–– Thinks it's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Jenna Bush Hager Admits She Sometimes Gets 'the Ick' with Husband Henry Hager
–– How can he not get ‘the ugh’ with her?
Golden Globes: Ted Danson to Receive Carol Burnett Award for Career Achievements
–– Will need to wrest from brittle old fingers.
Ariana Grande and Jonathan Bailey Say Their Shared Broadway Background “Gave Us Fizz” in ‘Wicked’
–– And fizzle.
Margot Robbie Says ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ Full Frontal Nudity Was Her Idea; She Turned Down Scorsese When He Said: ‘Maybe You Can Be Wearing a Robe’
–– Attributes subsequent career to beaver shot.
Look of the Week: Pamela Anderson’s still repping her bare face
–– Barely clearing 10%.
Betty Gilpin Taking Over Lead Role in ‘Oh, Mary!’ on Broadway
–– Todd-a!
Bob Dylan Is Sure Timothée Chalamet Will Be “Completely Believable as Me” in ‘A Complete Unknown’
–– Like a rolling log.
‘Swept Away,’ Avett Brothers’ Musical About a Brutal Shipwreck, Ending Broadway Run
–– Not ashore bet.
LL Cool J Says “Humbly” That “One Day People Are Going To Wake Up” & Say He “Is The Most Important Rapper That Ever Existed”
–– Pretty brutal takedown of rap.
How far she went: why did the Moana films become such a phenomenon?
–– Lei, lady, lei.
‘Mufasa’ Director Barry Jenkins Says CGI Filmmaking Is “Not My Thing”
–– He’s about to prove at box-office.
Bill Murray Admonishes ‘SNL’ Fans Who Call the Show ‘Lousy’ Today, Says Current Cast Does Sketches ‘Just as Good’ | Video
–– True, was always this unfunny.
Pete Davidson Says ‘SNL’ Paid ‘Like Three Grand an Episode’ at the Start; Jason Sudeikis Adds: ‘You Don’t Make Enough Money’ for ‘Big Purchases’
–– Or 10x what he was worth.
Ryan Reynolds Defends Comedy Acting After He's Mocked for Doing Variety's 'Actors on Actors' for Playing Deadpool: 'It's Meant to Look Effortless'
–– And that smarmy?
Lisa Ann Walter Burst Into Tears When Finding Out Talia Shire Would Play Her Mom on ‘Abbott Elementary’
–– Thought she was dead.
Donnie Wahlberg on filming final ‘Blue Bloods’ dinner scene: ‘I started crying and didn’t stop’
–– He exclaimed between sobs.
Is Hollywood’s Addiction to Sequels Cannibalizing Its Future?
–– To eat his own.
Mark Cuban says that if it weren't for his teens, he wouldn't know what 'skibidi' means
–– And we all really need more gibberish.
Danica Patrick Keeps Sharing Gruesome Pictures of Her Starbucks Burn
–– Sure they’re not skid marks?
Sex workers in Belgium now have maternity leave and sick pay in world first for employment rights
–– F**k yeah.
When male puberty hits, parents need to be prepared
–– Get those disposable wipes ready.
Did the World Need a Hot Santa? It Got One Anyway.
–– It’s getting hot North Pole.
TV Ratings: Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade Hits All-Time High for Second Straight Year
–– Floats to top.
‘Brain rot’ is Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the year
–– Demonstrated by editors’ choice.
People Are Just Realising Why Sweatshirts Have That V Under The Collar, And It's Gross
–– V-knock swatter.
Voltaggio brothers say new Frederick chophouse is their ‘missing piece’
–– Masterpiece sounds better.
Stoli vodka files for bankruptcy in the United States
–– We’ll drink to that.
Notre Dame is back – but not quite as you knew her
–– We dated briefly in 1880s.
When a medical insurance CEO was shot dead, people celebrated his death. What does this tell us about American healthcare?
–– What does this tell us about Americans?
Torrent of Hate for Health Insurance Industry Follows C.E.O.’s Killing
–– Industry needs to walk it off.
Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield reverses decision to put a time limit on anesthesia
–– Execs afraid of being put out.
‘Deny,’ ‘Defend, ‘Depose’: What To Know About Words Reportedly On Shell Casings Tied To UnitedHealthcare CEO Shooting
–– Out of nut work.
Fearful of crime, the tech elite transform their homes into military bunkers
–– Siri, Alexa receive fire arms training.
Man severely injured in polar bear attack while defending wife in Ontario
–– Polar ice scraps.
Chicken turtle, sarcastic fringehead and pleasing fungus beetle – meet 10 animals with the weirdest names
–– 10) pusillanimous whelk, 9) smash-and-grab gnat, 8) I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-marmoset, 7) Custer’s last stink beetle, 6) flibbertigibbon, 5) Sloop John beetle, 4) massive throbbing chigger, 3) lightly toasted lorus, 2) Pauly Shore's son of a slug, 1) cX Æ A-Xii.
Fossilized Footprints Reveal Two Extinct Hominin Species Did, In Fact, Live Side By Side
–– No ad hominin attacks?
MTG was mocked for weather-control claims. Now Florida has a new bill to ban ‘weather modification’
–– Aimed specifically at ‘thunder gods.’
How many species could go extinct from climate change? It depends on how hot it gets.
–– This week in ‘you don't say!’
A galaxy named for its resemblance to a sombrero looks distinctly different in new image
–– More serape-like.
Agriculture Department to Require Testing of U.S. Milk Supply for Bird Flu Virus
–– Recommends sneeze guards in chicken coops.
–– Will be used again in four years to blame Democrats for something.
Bob Bryar, Former My Chemical Romance Drummer, Dies at 44
–– Due to romance with certain chemicals.
Zayn Malik Dedicates Song to Liam Payne While Performing in Late Singer’s Hometown: “I Hope You’re Seeing This”
–– Zayny comment.
Tell Us Your Memories of Keiko, the Whale From ‘Free Willy’
–– Don’t make us blubber.
