Picking His Knowns
Week of 11/15/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Speaker Johnson says he’s going to request Ethics Committee not release Gaetz report
–– Will instead text link to underage porn site.
Former Pence adviser: Don’t underestimate Hegseth
–– No worries: we couldn't have lower opinion.
Matt Gaetz once faced a sex trafficking investigation by the Justice Department he could now lead
–– Which to Trump is like parking ticket.
Gaetz resigned days before ethics investigation report expected
–– Crime boss provided escape vehicle.
‘Wholly unqualified’ Gaetz couldn’t get hired by the FBI, McCabe says
–– He couldn’t get clearance to watch FBI on CBS.
Trump Chooses Tulsi Gabbard for Director of National Intelligence
–– Trump Chooses Tulsi Gabbard for Director of National Intelligence.
‘Worst cabinet-level appointment in history’: Bolton on Trump picking Gabbard
–– Trump only competing with self.
Tulsi Gabbard Questioned U.S. Intelligence. Now She Is Trump’s Pick for Top Intelligence Role.
–– U.S. questioned Tulsi Gabbard intelligence.
Elise Stefanik, Trump’s pick for UN ambassador, declines to stand by previous support for Ukraine joining NATO
–– Awaiting translation of Putin's latest directive.
Jimmy Kimmel on Trump Tapping RFK Jr. as Health Secretary: ‘Who Better to Be in Charge Than a Guy Whose Brain Was Partially Devoured by a Worm?’
–– Working for parasite.
Senate Republicans choose John Thune to replace Mitch McConnell as majority leader
–– Too Thune?
Breaking Tradition, Melania Trump Rejects Jill Biden’s White House Invitation
–– Had to get teeth filed.
Opinion Could ‘Fox & Friends Weekend’ prepare Pete Hegseth to run the military?
–– Not even to locate Pentagon on map.
Top general faces brewing storm after Trump’s Pentagon pick
–– Facing replacement by General Insurance.
Haley on Trump administration snub: ‘I know the game he was playing’
–– Anything where you can cheat.
Mike Pence Says He Is ‘Literally Praying’ Trump Doesn’t Pardon Jan. 6 Rioters Who Attacked Police
–– So doing nothing.
Lara Trump: ‘I would seriously consider’ replacing Rubio in Senate if asked
–– Only possible worst candidate is own husband.
I Study Guys Like Trump. There’s a Reason They Keep Winning.
–– Limitless dupes.
Former Harris Director Says Biden Should Resign and Make VP the President | Video
–– How about sash, robe, tiara?
Former Sanders adviser: ‘Never a chance in hell’ Harris would win
–– Well, we are sort of in hell…
Opinion Trump’s first major decision was a good one
–– Chose Filet-o-Fish?
Mike Huckabee once said that ‘there’s really no such thing as a Palestinian’
–– ‘At least I can spell A-rab.’
CNN host Dana Bash confronts Jim Jordan with claim MAGA only cries election fraud when Trump loses
–– Will coinkydinks never cease?
Five reasons why Kamala Harris lose to Donald Trump
–– 1) Brat worst.
Pelosi Says Harris Would've Been 'Stronger' Candidate If Biden Stepped Down Sooner
–– And America had several more weeks to really dislike her.
Column: Lots to blame for Harris' dismal finish, including blunders by Obama and Biden
–– You’re not giving her nearly enough credit.
LA Times Owner Says Gaza War Was ‘One of the Reasons’ for Not Endorsing Kamala Harris
–– Gutlessness No. 1.
Chris Christie: Most effective Trump ad was ‘Kamala Harris is for they/them’
–– Lost in trans late.
John Oliver Urges Viewers to Not Blindly Blame Joe Rogan, Young Men or Latino Voters for Kamala Harris Loss: ‘I Get the Appeal, but It’s Too Early to Have a Definitive Answer’
–– He means ‘not just’, right?
Democrats Could Have Won. Our Excuses Mask a Devastating Reality.
–– We’re political idiots.
Stop Blaming ‘Celebrity Endorsements’ for Kamala Harris’ Loss: We Need to Hear From Artists Now More Than Ever
–– Just not about their presidential choices.
Dana Carvey Says Kamala Harris “Bent Over Laughing” at His Joe Biden Impression for ‘SNL’
–– Supporters bent over crying.
Elon Musk Reacts to Dana Carvey’s ‘SNL’ Impression, Says Show Has ‘Been Dying Slowly for Years’: ‘They Are So Mad’ Trump Won
–– His own self-destruction surprisingly fast.
Trump Completely Humiliates Elon Musk in Front of House Republicans
–– Squeezes their balls in his pocket to get them to sneer.
Charlamagne tha God says Trump won 'dinner table issues,' Harris has 'nothing to be ashamed about'
–– Not even needing reassurance from clown?
Charlamagne tha God Visibly Shocked Trump Held 33% Support of Nonwhite Voters: ‘No, Really?’ | Video
–– Exclaimed, 'Holy Roman Empire!'
Scientific American editor steps down after election comments draw backlash
–– From non-believers in science.
Disney’s ‘Snow White’ Rachel Zegler Apologizes for Trump Re-Election Reaction
–– About 75 million mental dwarfs?
Megyn Kelly Calls ‘Snow White’ Star Rachel Zegler a ‘Pig’ for Wishing Trump Voters ‘Never Know Peace’
–– In lamest Evil Queen impersonation.
Sylvester Stallone Hails Donald Trump as the ‘Second George Washington’ Introducing President-Elect at Mar-a-Lago
–– This week in CTE.
Joe Rogan says many in the entertainment industry had privately 'thanked me for endorsing Trump'
–– 'And confirming their worst suspicions.'
Commentary: I am a Mexican American who voted for Trump. No, I don’t hate myself
–– Another stupid decision.
Transgender-rights advocates say the election of Trump and his allies marks a major setback
–– GLAAD they’re paying attention.
Powerful Republican lawmaker detained at Virginia airport after mixing sedative with alcohol
–– Or had Trumptini.
Bill Clinton Opens Up About 'Frustration' Over Monica Lewinsky Scandal Question In New Memoir
–– Real blue balls situation.
Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor to remain at post as some call for her to step down
–– Because, sure, Biden can get replacement approved in next eight weeks.
’I feel betrayed’: For Black women, Harris’s loss creates new wound
–– Politics all about the feels.
The Onion Buys Infowars, Alex Jones’s Site, Out of Bankruptcy
–– Unfunniest Onion headline ever.
Alex Jones Is Having a Total Meltdown Over The Onion Buying Infowars
–– Curses 'blooming Onion!'
Germany’s Scholz calls Putin, ending Western isolation over Ukraine
–– What? ‘Thug’? ‘Evil dwarf?’ Tyrannical POS?
Trump talked to Putin, told Russian leader not to escalate in Ukraine
–– Putin explains laughter was just him remembering joke he heard earlier.
Donald Trump Jr mocks Zelensky by suggesting that he’s just weeks away from ‘losing allowance’
–– And brags own coke budget doubled.
Israel’s Netanyahu acknowledges pager attack, says he sees ‘eye-to-eye’ with Trump on Iran
–– With worm's-eye view.
Amsterdam bans protests for three days following violent attacks on Israeli soccer fans
–– To celebrate Dutch courage.
After a Mayor’s Beheading, Mexican Authorities Arrest His Top Security Official
–– Must’ve lost head.
The Clint Squint
–– Two Mules for Sister Sclera, The Eyesore Sanction, Where Eagles Stare, The Good, the Blink & the Ugly, Every Which Way But Open.
Susan Sarandon Says Hollywood Used Her As An 'Example Of What Not To Do' After Palestine Rally Remark
–– Her finest role yet.
Lori Loughlin Is Reportedly Putting Pressure on Daughter Olivia Jade & Her BF Jacob Elordi
–– To go back to college.
Bob Iger Defends Disney’s Pricey 2019 Fox Acquisition – Emmys, ‘Avatar’ Came From That Deal, “I Could Go On And On"
–– “Making more shit up.”
’Joker 2’ Actor Says It’s ‘the Worst Film Ever Made’ and People on Set Said ‘This Is Going to Bomb’: ‘It’s Not Even Hate-Watchable. That’s How Terrible It Is’
–– So he quit in protest to save his dignity, right?
Dwayne Johnson Says Controversy Over Set Behavior Is ‘Bulls—‘ but Admits to Peeing in Bottles and Being Late to Filming: ‘Yeah, That Happens’
–– Assistant AD carrying empties: “Yeah.”
Nicole Kidman: ‘I Want to Work with Martin Scorsese, if He Does a Film with Women’
–– Good Fillers?
Actress Sydney Sweeney slams ‘fake’ female empowerment in Hollywood
–– Topless.
‘The Last Showgirl’ Trailer: Discover Why Pamela Anderson Is Earning the Best Reviews of Her Acting Career
–– Previous roles so bad.
Why Is Everyone So Angry at John Krasinski for Being People’s Sexiest Man Alive?
–– Have to be hard-on him?
Go Inside Leonardo DiCaprio's Blow-Out 50th B-Day Party and the Absolutely Stacked Guest List
–– Kinda crude way to refer to ladies’ racks.
‘Squid Game’ Creator Actually Lost ‘Eight or Nine’ Teeth Filming Debut Season, Says ‘Money’ Convinced Him to Do a Second One: ‘I Didn’t Make Much’ the First Time Around
–– Sadly not knocked out in game.
T.J. Miller Calls Ryan Reynolds a 'Good Friend Now,' Two Years After Saying 'I Would Not Work With Him Again': Returning for 'Deadpool 4' Would Be 'Awesome'
–– 'Now that I got a good look at my bank statement.'
Kevin Costner Found Out John Dutton’s Fate After ‘Yellowstone’ Episode Aired: ‘That Doesn’t Make Me Want to Rush to Go See It’
–– Wasn’t gonna kill himself.
Mattel Pulls ‘Wicked’ Dolls After Mistakenly Listing Adult Porn Site on Packaging
–– Which was still more enchanting than film.
Bobby Flay Signs New Multiyear Deal at Food Network (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Flay of soul.
Sara Haines walks off “The View” shot after Whoopi Goldberg reveals 'I like to be eaten from time to time' on 69th birthday
–– What went down.
Timothée Chalamet Details How He Transformed Into Bob Dylan for Movie
–– Like a role in stone.
Timothée Chalamet Says An Agent Once Told Him To “Put On Weight” To Help Book Blockbuster Roles
–– Valid of a thin man.
Art Garfunkel Cried at Reunion Lunch With Paul Simon and Asked ‘What Happened? Why Haven’t We Seen Each Other?’: I Wanted to ‘Make Amends Before It’s Too Late’
–– A Hazy Shade of Whimper.
Kaley Cuoco, Stephanie Hsu and Zosia Mamet Celebrate ‘Killer Women in Comedy’ With Peacock and The Hollywood Reporter
–– Presumably not themselves.
49ers’ Ricky Pearsall scores first career touchdown just 10 weeks after shooting
–– Bullet pass to chest.
‘Change the Game’: Saudi Arabia Takes a Stride Into Women’s Tennis
–– Veily ball.
Tennis Channel removes analyst indefinitely after comment about Barbora Krejčíková’s forehead
–– Brow beaten.
Olympic Breakdancer Raygun Relives Kangaroo Hop In Surprise Appearance After Announcing Retirement
–– Breaking bad.
Was Wallis Simpson Really a Sex-Crazed Spy?
–– Or Homer’s misunderstood grandmama?
Don't get cuffed into a situationship—there's a better way to stay warm
–– Writer should be cuffed into unconciouship.
Three-Quarters of U.S. Adults Are Now Overweight or Obese
–– Scale: new heights.
McDonald’s spends $100 million to lure customers back after E. coli outbreak
–– Include Hamburglar toilet paper with Happy Meals.
‘The Disneyland of American grocery stores’: How Trader Joe’s became a tourist hot spot
–– Where only frozen foods any good.
Zita Cobb Runs a $1,780-a-Night Inn on a Small Island. Is She the Most Radical Person in Travel?
–– Or just the greediest.
10-year-old walks alone a mile away from Georgia home, leading to his mother's arrest
–– Who insisted she could still hear violin he was practicing.
Georgia’s Fulton County Jail subjects inmates to ‘inhumane, violent’ conditions that threaten their safety, DOJ finds
–– One can only dream Trump was one of them.
Texas Woman, Who Left Home Without Phone or Car, Found Safe but 'Severely Dehydrated': Police
–– ‘Out of touch, wheelless.’
A police chief was accused of paying $100 to rape a teen — and trying to cover it up.
–– Wasn’t proud of high price?
Why Australian zoo is asking Sydney residents to catch deadly funnel-web spiders
–– Funnely enough.
This ‘Ghost’ Fish Seemed Extinct, Until It Turned Up in Unexpected Places
–– Flying Dutchman!
These Fossil Teeth From an 11-Year-Old Reveal Clues to Why Humans Developed an Unusually Long Childhood
–– Something to chew on.
Scientists Solve Riddle Of World’s Best-Preserved Dinosaurs
–– Botox.
’Possibility of a catastrophic failure’: Inside the space station leak problem that has NASA worried
–– Scientists trying diapers on incontinent astronaut.
Space trash is falling from the sky. And that’s not the worst of it.
–– It's missing landfills!
The ultimate cosmic question: How fast is the universe expanding?
–– Quickest response: no one knows.
Measles is debilitating, deadly and making a comeback, WHO and CDC warn
–– Developing remake of Saturday Night Fever.
Timothy West, British Star of Stage and Screen Known for ‘Coronation Street’ and ‘EastEnders,’ Dies at 90
–– West ender.
Tony Todd, ‘Candyman’ and ‘Final Destination’ Actor, Dies at 69
–– Reached his.
