Scraping the Bottom
Week of 10/25/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Inside the Last-Ditch Hunt by Harris and Trump for Undecided Voters
–– What ditch are nitwits in?
Are the Menendez Brothers About to Go Free?
–– In time to join Trump team?
Washington Post Surprise: Paper Now Won’t Endorse Presidential Candidates
–– Bezos predicts Red Origin.
LA Times editorials editor quits after billionaire owner reportedly blocked paper from endorsing Harris
–– Bucks trend.
New York Post Endorses Donald Trump For President
–– Will it sway budgies in their cages?
Trump’s former chief of staff says he fits ‘fascist’ definition and prefers ‘dictator approach’
–– Can't quite fit into 2016 SS uniform.
13 former Trump officials sign open letter backing John Kelly's criticism of the former president
–– And 1,300 other members of his Schitzstaffel?
‘Makes me sick as hell': Hear Walz's fiery response to Atlantic report on Trump
–– Sick heil.
McConnell says ‘MAGA movement is completely wrong’ and Reagan ‘wouldn’t recognize’ Trump’s GOP
–– 'But ah'm completely wrong and wouldn't recoginize Reagan, so's ah'm votin' for him.'
Johnson and McConnell: Harris calling Trump ‘fascist’ could invite assassination attempt
–– Then add selves to list.
Trump kicks off a Pennsylvania rally by talking about Arnold Palmer's genitalia
–– Putters around.
Arnold Palmer's Daughter Revealed What Her Dad Really Thought Of Trump
–– Was even bigger dick.
Donald Trump groped me in what felt like a ‘twisted game’ with Jeffrey Epstein, former model alleges
–– His classic 'dope-a-grope' maneuver.
I visited JD Vance’s hometown. Here’s what I learned about young male voters
–– Even dumber than he is.
Trump cooks fries at McDonald's as he attempts to cast doubt on Harris' earlier employment at the chain
–– Super sighs it.
75 people got E. coli after eating at McDonald's: How can you avoid it?
–– Don’t let Trump in kitchen.
Her billionaire marriage broke up. Her VP campaign fizzled. Now she’s a Trump-world star.
–– QVC for fascists.
Opinion Usha Vance isn’t following the script
–– How brave.
Sen. Lindsey Graham to Republicans supporting Harris: ‘What the hell are you doing?’
–– Mumbling through mouth filled with Trump.
23 Nobel Prize-winning economists call Harris’ economic plan ‘vastly superior’ to Trump’s
–– Swing state voters big fans of macro-economic theory.
Bill Maher, HBO Hit With Laura Loomer Defamation Lawsuit After Donald Trump Relationship Joke
–– Can image of Loomer, Trump mating even be considered joke?
Trump’s ‘Schlonged’ Comment Nearly Broke ‘SNL’s’ Colin Jost
–– Schlong time no see.
Newsom on new Trump nickname: ‘What an embarrassment’
–– Oldscum meet Newscum.
Donald Trump Mocks ‘Loser’ Mark Cuban’s Golf Game: ‘Really Low Clubhead Speed, a Total Non-Athlete!’
–– Speed in his clubhead zero.
Suspected drunken driver heading wrong way passes Vice President Kamala Harris’ motorcade on interstate in Milwaukee
–– Brewers' fan?
Pelosi reportedly not 'happy that the only bloody fingerprints on the knife' to oust Biden were hers
–– You don’t oust with knife –– you stab victim and, in this case, self.
Olivia Nuzzi and New York part ways after review finds no bias or error
–– Did Nuzzi that coming.
In Israeli footage of the last minutes of Hamas leader's life, some see a symbol of defiance
–– Need to have inside of heads examined, like Sinwar’s.
Possible successor to Hezbollah leader killed in attack about 3 weeks ago, Israeli military says
–– Wow, now Israel pre-assassinating.
FBI investigating alleged leak of Israel war plan documents
–– Iran up flagpole.
Chinese Hackers Are Said to Have Targeted Phones Used by Trump and Vance
–– Even dictators need laughs.
Why Is North Korea Deploying Troops to Help Russia? Here’s What to Know.
–– Soldiers requested posting in Ukraine war zone for 'change of scenery.'
‘Blade Runner 2049’ Producers Sue Elon Musk, Tesla and Warner Bros. Discovery, Alleging Copyright Infringement
–– C’mon, design of Musk replicant clearly foreign knockoff.
Denzel Washington on His ‘Gladiator II’ Role: “I’m Putting This Dress On, These Rings, and I’m Going Crazy”
–– “Watch out, RuPaul!”
‘Juror No. 2’ Could Be Clint Eastwood’s Last Film — So Why Is Warner Bros. Burying It?
–– David Zaslav is piece of shit?
Chris Pratt blasts stars with 's---ty attitudes': 'Oh, are you having a hard time living your dream?'
–– Prattles on.
Zoe Saldaña Says Marvel Movies Can Be ‘Deep’; She Wants to Reshoot ‘Avengers’ Movies Because ‘I Was Not Quite Understanding’ of Gamora’s Arc
–– Kevin Feige agrees, pledges $500 mil to remake.
Bruce Springsteen says paying his band 'a tremendous amount of money' has been key to his career success and longevity
–– Easy Street Band?
Helen Mirren Says ‘It’s So Sad Kurt Cobain Died When He Did Because He Never Saw GPS’
–– She was routing for him.
Howard’s End? How SiriusXM Will Survive After Stern
–– Foster hope?
Mel Gibson Says Kamala Harris Has 'Got the IQ of a Fence Post,' Voices Support for Donald Trump
–– Spoken like rock.
Zachary Levi Says Actors Are Telling Him They're 'Terrified to Publicly Say They'd Vote for Donald Trump' Because 'There's Ramifications for This S—'
–– Yes, S__’s second term would have ramifications for all.
‘Say hello to my little pen’: 14 things we learned from Al Pacino memoir
–– 6. Don’t write jokey headlines that seem to impugn manhood.
Pete Davidson emerges after rehab looking better than ever
–– Or like same smug jerk?
A24’s ‘Heretic’ Will Make These Movie Theaters Smell Like Blueberry Pie During One Pivotal Scene (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Dingleberry the rest.
Lily Allen Says Her OnlyFans Feet Pictures Make More Money Than Spotify Streams: ‘Don’t Hate the Player, Hate the Game’
–– How about we just mercilessly mock player?
A New, Even Shorter Version of ‘Harry Potter and the Cursed Child’ Is Headed to Broadway
–– Will check out when they get down to 30 minutes.
Steve Martin’s Cryptic Instagram Post Suggests Two Of His ‘Only Murders in the Building’ Co-Stars Are More Than Friends
–– Short story short.
Eva Mendes Says ‘I Wasn’t a Great Actress’ and ‘I Was Never In Love With Acting’; Got Told ‘She’s Too Ethnic’ For Many Roles: ‘It Was So Crazy’
–– Which part? Pursuing career?
Judge Again Dismisses ‘Romeo and Juliet’ Lawsuit Over Underage Nude Scene
–– Starkers-crossed lovers.
Harvey Weinstein In Court: Judge Consolidates Charges for New Trial
–– Has to print in agate type single-spaced to get on one legal-sized page.
Sean Diddy Combs Children Express “United” Support for Dad Amid His Sex-Trafficking Charges
–– Learned about getting behind from father.
‘We might watch Peppa Pig, and then some hardcore porn’: What it’s like to work at the BBFC
–– With Peppa Pig!
Cher says her 2 divorces were easier than getting into Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in rousing induction speech
–– Musical partners certainly suffered more.
Queen Elizabeth Had the Perfect Trick to "Shut Up" Her Corgis
–– Ball gags, leather restraints.
GOP senator: Trump energy helped push Steelers to victory over Jets
–– When Jets owner Woody Johnson is human equivalent of Trump jock strap?
Jordi Fernandez is set up for success with Nets: 'I think he's got the whole package'
–– According to shower room attendant.
NYC honors WNBA champions NY Liberty with ticker-tape parade through Canyon of Heroes
–– Not fined for traveling?
'The Merry Gentlemen' Trailer: Chad Michael Murray Goes 'Magic Mike' in Netflix Christmas Movie
–– Dangles candy cane.
The Headless Horseman shares her secrets
–– Has icky bod?
Americans are hoarding their friends
–– Especially Mongols.
I had a mini face and neck lift –– here’s what happened
–– After I shrunk head.
Brain surgeon reveals theory behind why people have erotic dreams and what they can mean
–– Does it really take brain surgeon?
Long-lost copy of US Constitution found in filing cabinet sells for $9 million
–– In ‘dead file’ folder.
Playboy Rejects $100 Million Buyout Bid Led by Hugh Hefner's Son
–– Won’t hop to.
America’s New Millionaire Class: Plumbers and HVC Entrepreneurs
–– Cash flowing: hot bucks, cool millions.
How to Build a Magnetic Culture for Entry-Level Talent
–– Is that attractive idea?
Onions recalled by McDonald's supplier as officials expect E. coli outbreak cases to rise
–– Came up again and again.
What we know about the McDonald’s E. coli outbreak investigation
–– You’ll wanna sit down.
Jimmy John's unveils a new sandwich with giant pickles instead of bread: See what's on it
–– Our contempt.
The corporate takeover of ‘craft beer’ leaves a nasty taste in the mouth
–– Which is extremely appropriate.
Employees At Mexican Restaurants Tell Us The Customer Orders They Hate The Most
–– Fahaters? Detestadas? Enchiloathers?
Kids are sucking down baby food pouches at record rates. ‘We’re going to pay for it,’ experts say
–– Parents: ‘Thanks.’
Costco Is Selling a 170-Piece Le Crest Set for a Shocking Price
–– $10,000,000!
A couple walked from opposite ends of China’s Great Wall and met in the middle. Then they broke up
–– Laughing at selves for dopey stunt.
Number of Young People Accused of Serious Crimes Surges in New York City
–– Mayor Adams brags his comparatively petty.
‘Law & Order’ Actor Reveals He Was Raped and Tortured by John Wayne Gacy
–– Yet doesn't have fear of clowns.
Abercrombie, Pushing a New Image, Confronts Accusations Against Ex-C.E.O.
–– Rapey chic.
Do animals cross breed with other species in the wild? How and why interbreeding between different species happens
–– Appears answer to question is yes.
Animals Keep Inexplicably Evolving Into Crabs. Could Humans Be Next?
–– Well Auntie Ruth getting pretty darn ornery.
Polar bears are suffering from painful, football-sized 'ice blocks' on their paws – climate change to blame, say experts
–– Paws that refreshes?
Endangered zebra Manilow born at safari park
–– Looks like we made it.
DNA testing reveals skull found in a wall belonged to teen who died 150 years ago
–– Why she kept no one knows.
First dinosaur fossils found in Hong Kong cause a stir
–– Toe bone used to mix drinks at hotel bar.
’Bodies were dropped down quarry shafts’: secrets of millions buried in Paris catacombs come to light
–– Chute alors!
Preserved tracks suggest non-avian dinosaurs used their wings to run
–– Did not suggest explanation for this unintelligible claim.
"99 per cent of the species that have ever lived have gone extinct": Why life needs extinction and how it can be a force for good
–– Quoth Thanos.
Scientists Are on the Cusp of Resurrecting a Fearsome Australian Predator
–– Isn't it little late?
NASA astronaut hospitalized after return from space station
–– Host and xenomorph doing well.
Justin Trudeau Testifies That Russia Funded Tucker Carlson and Jordan Peterson in Support of Their Anti-Vax Covid Claims | Video
–– Lacked scruples not rubles.
Chicago’s dirty water may be keeping invasive species at bay
–– Three cheers for toxic dumping.
US needs to cut red tape to get renewable energy projects ‘into the end zone,’ White House’s top climate official said
–– Fumbling metaphor.
Rio Tinto signs MOU with China's Nanjing steel on decarbonisation
–– We suspected as much.
Kentucky lawmaker dies weeks after plunging into an empty swimming pool on a mower
–– Unfulfilled.
BBC’s Michael Buerk slammed for calling Liam Payne ‘drugged up, faded boyband singer’
–– Was Buerk berk?
Liam Payne’s ex Danielle Peazer says she’s not ‘mentally strong enough’ to face reality of singer’s death
–– Sounds like perfect match.
What Is Pink Cocaine? Liam Payne’s Autopsy Reveals He Took the Drug Known as ‘Tusi’ Before His Death
–– Wha Tusi?
Phil Lesh, Bassist for the Grateful Dead, Dies at 84
–– Felt gratitude?
Jack Jones, “Wives and Lovers” and ‘Love Boat’ Theme Singer, Dies at 86
–– Stops Jonesing.
