Close Hoarse
Week of 11/01/24
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump embraces violent rhetoric, suggests Liz Cheney should have guns ‘trained on her face’
–– Like he’s had?
Opinion | There’s a better term for Trump than ‘fascist’
–– In family newspaper?
Harris to Make Closing Campaign Argument on Ellipse, Site of Trump’s Jan. 6 Speech
–– Where memories of Trump’s sedition will eclipse.
Trump Rally Speaker Tony Hinchcliffe Calls Puerto Rico ‘Floating Island Of Garbage’—Campaign, GOP Lawmakers React
–– Then why isn’t Trump running for Governor there?
Biden goes off script — again — causing a distraction for Harris in campaign's home stretch
–– Right, calling Trump supporters at racist rally ‘garbage’ is real problem for her supporters.
Trump says he is going to protect women whether they ‘like it or not’
–– Insists he can barely rape own wife these days.
TV news anchor fired after telling Kamala Harris supporters to ‘stay home’ on Election Day
–– Now idiot Trumpite can, too.
TechScape: Tech CEOs hedge their bets and make nice with Trump
–– Apple polishing? Saying he’s simply Amazon? Making Googley eyes at him?
‘Who Booked This F-cking Jerk?’: Trump Allies Pressed Campaign to Denounce Rally Comedian
–– Is that any way to refer to headliner?
Hulk Hogan, Dr. Phil, Elon Musk Speak at Donald Trump’s Insult-Filled Rally at Madison Square Garden
–– Three human obscenities.
Elon Musk took the stage at a Trump rally to talk about taxes and the 'Department of Government Efficiency'
–– Needs to change name from Musk to Dank.
On Elon Musk’s X, Republicans go viral as Democrats disappear
–– Viral as in sick.
Elon Musk says the real threat to democracy is the people who accuse Trump of endangering it
–– See above.
Confederate anthem ‘Dixie’ played at Trump’s Madison Square Garden rally
–– For dixie cucks.
Madison Square Garden Owner Responds to Criticism Over Trump Rally: “We Are Neutral in Political Matters”
–– Dolan out favors.
Joe Rogan asked Donald Trump for specifics on how 2020 was stolen. Then could only laugh at the answer
–– Gave up after Trump claimed IM agent Ethan Hunt dropped down on cable, swiped hard drive.
Megyn Kelly Savages Trump’s ‘Bro-tastic’ MSG Rally: ‘Do They Have No Women Advising Their Campaign?’
–– Clueless ditz like you?
Jesse Watters tells his wife that secretly voting for Kamala Harris would be like ‘having an affair’
–– Voting for Trump like rimming you.
What Giuliani Is Losing: The Co-op. The Yankees Swag. The Convertible.
–– What he’s keeping: Infamy. Contempt. Shame.
Rudy Giuliani bumbles through hearing with sex assault accuser that ends with personal attacks and a mute button
–– His nickname for limp Lil’ Rudy.
RFK Jr. said Trump promised him ‘control’ of HHS and USDA
–– Not National Institute of Mental Health?
Buzz Aldrin, 94, Sends a Bold Political Message With Presidential Endorsement
–– 94-year-old’s Trump pick achieves zero gravity.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Endorses Kamala Harris in Blunt Post: 'I Want to Tune Out. But I Can't'
–– When even children of Nazis reject Trump.
As Democrats court Haley supporters, the former UN ambassador is still waiting to hear from Trump
–– Haley's commit?
‘Bob’s Burgers’ Actor Sentenced to One Year in Prison for Role in Jan. 6 Riot
–– Fried after grilling.
The economy is booming, but inflation is on voters’ minds as election nears
–– Due to mental deflation.
Man serving 30 years for attacking Nancy Pelosi’s husband gets a life term on state charges
–– Judge drops hammer.
After non-endorsement, 250,000 subscribers cancel The Washington Post
–– Black Eye Day for Bezos.
Post editorial board members step down in wake of endorsement decision
–– Stumble slightly in darkness.
Washington Post newsroom in uproar over Jeff Bezos' 'tone-deaf' op-ed defending non-endorsement, staffer says
–– Suggest this.
Tim Walz accused of pushing Chinese official’s daughter to brink of suicide
–– Own campaign planted item to make him sound sexy.
Cardi B shares she was not going to vote until Harris entered the race
–– Female rapper demo key to victory.
CNN bans conservative guest for telling Muslim journalist 'I hope your beeper doesn't go off'
–– Dumbass rhymes with Hamas?
Stephen Bannon Is Released From Prison
–– Is Stephen cooler nickname?
Steve Bannon Released From Prison, Says Black and Hispanic Inmates ‘Detest’ Kamala Harris
–– Guilty of reshitivism.
Obama recalls unwanted attention as president: ‘Old ladies’ were ‘grabbing my butt’
–– He’s being little tough on Hillary.
Texas man is arrested for ‘punching poll worker who told him to remove his MAGA hat’
–– Didn't want to expose worm burrowing in skull.
Florida Stopped Being a Swing State Slowly, Then All at Once
–– It came off hinges.
Gavin Newsom to Announce Proposal to Boost California Film Industry
–– Sports Hollywood.
Polls show California Proposition 36 passing by a landslide. Do they tell the whole story?
–– Let's ask the criminals.
In boom-and-bust San Francisco, voters look to mayor’s race for rescue
–– Bust-and-buster.
Hezbollah Names Naim Qassem as Its New Leader
–– Hedges by not committing to name plate, business cards.
Bill Clinton Justifies The Mass Killings Of Palestinians In Racist Michigan Speech
–– As ‘racist’ qualifies for most abused adjective in English language.
Ukraine’s surrender hotline is tempting North Koreans to desert, promising they'll be well fed
–– Soldiers, ‘With dirt and bark hot pot like mom makes?’
8,000 North Korean troops in Kursk could join Ukraine war in days, Blinken says
–– Rice-based fodder.
Opinion Americans, your calls and texts can be monitored by Chinese spies
–– Hopefully we can bore enemy to death.
Tucker Carlson claims he was mauled by a demon while asleep, leaving claw marks on his body
–– And dried turd in head.
Kathryn Hahn Makes History as First Female in MCU to Show Her Bare Butt: 'It's Like I Walked on the Moon'
–– Or 'mooned.'
‘Venom: The Last Dance’ bricks at the box office
–– Box office poison.
Zoë Kravitz & Channing Tatum's Relationship Allegedly Ended Over A Common Hurdle
–– In last mile of relay race.
Matthew Lillard Thought ‘Scooby-Doo 2’ Would Make Him ‘No. 1 on the Call Sheet for the Next 10 Years.’ Then It Flopped and His Career Became ‘Irrelevant’
–– What kind of Doobie-scoo was he smoking?
Flash star Sasha Calle was originally set for multiple Supergirl appearances: "It was very heartbreaking for me, and it was very confusing"
–– Clarification: it, you stunk.
Quentin Tarantino Refuses to Watch Denis Villeneuve’s ‘Dune’ Movies Because ‘I Don’t Need to See That Story Again’: It’s One Remake After Another
–– Worms out of it.
‘Joker’ Director Todd Phillips Tells Movie Theaters to ‘Stop Showing Commercials’ Before Films: ‘They Take the Air Out of the Room’
–– After his movie suffocated.
Tom Hanks Says He and “Forrest Gump” Costar Robin Wright 'Picked Up Right Where We Left Off' When Reuniting for New Film
–– Nauseating America, world.
–– Boy, how many times have we used that useful phrase.
Hugh Jackman's Ex-Wife Deborra-Lee Was Reportedly 'Suspicious' Of His Broadway Co-star Sutton Foster
–– Because she looked like own daughter.
Judith Light says her long-distance marriage of nearly 40 years works because of their love for one thing
–– Flying.
Shirley MacLaine recalls meeting Donald Trump in the '80s: 'I could see he was undressing himself and me'
–– Threw up a little in own head.
Martha Stewart reveals she kissed a stranger on her honeymoon after announcing affair
–– In midst of extremely tasteful orgy.
Marilyn Monroe’s ‘More Natural and Candid’ Side Revealed in Unearthed Photos: See the Pictures
–– Some like it luke warm.
Alexandra Daddario Is a Mom! Actress Welcomes First Baby with Husband Andrew Form
–– Discovers new life Form?
How ‘Cutthroat Island’ Cost — Then Lost — a Fortune, Sank Carolco Pictures and Sent Renny Harlin and Geena Davis Into Perilous Straits (EXCLUSIVE)
–– News flash from 1995.
Jimmy Fallon Reveals He Visited John Belushi's Grave and Had a Beer with Him: 'I Might Go Back'
–– Fallon would have beer with Jim Belushi’s shadow.
Matt LeBlanc Quietly Made a Major Career Move After Matthew Perry's Death Led Him to 'Rethink' Life
–– On minor career?
Rick Astley: I’ve sung Never Gonna Give You Up a million times, but I don’t ever go ‘oh this s--t again’
–– That’s for audience.
P. Diddy ‘Kept Meticulous Records’ of His Parties and ‘Has Enough Dirt to Hang Half of Hollywood’
–– C'mon, he's too much a gentleman to blackmail, oh, say, a judge.
Diddy Allegedly Used a Scale to Ensure ‘Freak Off’ Guests Weighed Less Than 140 Lbs: Party Planner
–– Had nude lubed Zoomba classes to 'freak off' pounds.
The Drew Scott and Linda Phan Reveal Their Adorable Family Halloween Costume with Kids Parker and Piper (Exclusive)
–– Phan fiction.
Moon Knight director says although there have no been talks over the Marvel character's future, "there could be a film"
–– If he has own 8mm camera.
Matthew Perry's Jaw-Dropping Net Worth Will Leave a Lasting Legacy
–– Wasn't wealth had jaw dragging on floor.
Brian Austin Green Recalls Getting to a Point in Marriage to Megan Fox That 'Everything Annoyed Her'
–– Second or third week?
Met Opera and Singer Injured in Onstage Fall Settle Decade-Old Lawsuit
–– Made mezzo it.
After sloppy, bitter disappointment in World Series, Yankees turn attention to keeping Juan Soto
–– After one soso Series.
Handsy fans disrupted a World Series game. Here are 5 notable MLB interference cases
–– 3. Ruth pantsed Cobb in 1924 Fall Classic.
Yankees ban fans who ripped ball out of Mookie Betts’ glove, give World Series tickets to pediatric cancer patient
–– Wouldn't adult assholism patient be more a propos?
Rob Gronkowski Went to College with Ejected Yankees Fan, Congratulates Him 'for Shining When Your Moment Came'
–– You'd expect more from University of Arizona grad?
Australian golfer Jeffrey Guan vows to ‘be back’ after freak accident leaves him blind in one eye
–– Whole in one?
A Dying Artist Left His Legacy to MoMA. Today He’s Almost Forgotten.
–– We can’t even remember name for headline.
My Co-op Says It Can Take Away My Parking Spot. I Say No.
–– We say, good luck.
We moved from California to Idaho with small-town retirement dreams but moved back after 4 years.
–– Weren't into potato carving, suvivalist scrap-booking, white nationalist chair yoga.
‘Brain dead' man trapped inside body heard staff debate about turning off his life support
–– Informed reporter via telepathy?
"Third Man Syndrome" Has Fascinated Me For Months, So Here Are 24 First-Hand Accounts Of People Who Experienced It And Lived To Tell The Tale
–– Including Orson Welles!
New Mom Tells Grandma Not to Kiss Newborn: 'Going to Do Whatever I Can to Avoid Making My Daughter Sick' (Exclusive)
–– Did encourage her to French husband.
McDonald’s to resume selling Quarter Pounders in all restaurants after beef patties in Colorado test negative for E. coli
–– And U. mami.
Florida man randomly assaults sleeping United passenger in bloody mid-flight beating, feds say
–– In moment of self-awareness he was 'Florida man.'
A mother intentionally went over Niagara Falls with her 2 children, police say
–– Forgot barrel.
The Vessel in NYC’s Hudson Yards reopens with safety netting 3 years after spate of suicides. But is it any better?
–– Not for morbid journalists.
The Menendez brothers built a green space in prison. It’s modeled on this Norwegian idea
–– Aw, gee, what a swell pair of guys!
A Florida woman who zipped her boyfriend in a suitcase for hours until he died found guilty of second-degree murder
–– Packed off to jail.
Social media star Peanut the Squirrel has been euthanized after being seized from NY home
–– Cracked.
Video shows moment dog recognizes owner after being lost for five months in the wilderness
–– Ditsy lady survived on rainwater, dandelions.
Scientists are training an army of gigantic rats in Africa to sniff out animal body parts. Here's why
–– They’re total perverts.
Deer Hunter Is Killed in Apparent Bear Attack in Alaska, Authorities Say
–– Sure it wasn’t abbaby bear?
The Murder Mystery Linking a Bird Specimen at the National Museum of Natural History to the Mysterious Death of an Arctic Explorer
–– Not Admiral Byrd, we presume.
Archaeologists Unearth 'Astonishing' Wooden Spade, Preserved in an English Trench for 3,500 Years
–– Next to iron club, quartz diamond, papyrus heart.
The world acted too late to avert climate catastrophes. Now the US effort to deal with them is struggling.
–– When it's already 'too late?'
Spain’s floods have killed more than 200. Why have they been so deadly?
–– Aguavated assault.
Woman lives to 107 despite 4-inch ‘longevity horn’ growing from her forehead
–– Despite?
Liam Payne Was ‘Leading a Devastating Double Life’ Before His Tragic Death
–– Now not even living half.
Tom Jarriel, Globetrotting ABC News Reporter, Is Dead at 89
–– ABC ya later.
Teri Garr, the offbeat comic actor of 'Young Frankenstein' and 'Tootsie,' has died
–– Parked Garr.
