I Am the Very Model of the Modern President-i-al
I am the very model of the modern President-i-al,
I’ve got opinions impolite, alternative, and skeptical,
I know the kinks of enemies, and I quote my feuds historical,
From Rosie O to Khizr Khan, in order categorical;
I’m very well-acquainted too with tactics most diversional,
I’m quite-informed of Twitter storms, both the viral and perversional,
Red States, white men and blue chips know exactly what to make o’ me.
While CNN, the Times and Post’s reporting is pure fakery.
No deals have been more clever since the dawning of the hominid,
My brilliant plan is to undo whatever it is Obama did;
In short, in matters impolite, alternative, and skeptical,
I am the very model of the modern President-i-al.
I know our U.S. history, from Lincoln to Old Hickory
I admire Ron’s right-wing cheer, but much prefer Dick’s trickery,
I enumerate on Fox & Friends all the crimes of Crooked Hillary,
And remind my sex accusers of how many more had Bill than me.
Porn stars and Playmates want me so: I must accept it as my curse,
I often miss my former life when I got t’grope Miss Universe,
Only I can ground Rocket Man and lift cruel taxes on the rich,
I listen first to Jared’s line, and then I go with Who-sits’ pitch.
The nasty women screech at me, say my attitude is pigly,
But they’re the losers and the dogs, I am always winning bigly
Therefore, in matters impolite, alternative, and skeptical,
I am the very model of the modern President-i-al.
Left-leaning critics dare to doubt my deft schemes economical,
And they pretend my travel ban and border wall are comical,
My foreign team’s the smartest yet led by some guy not named Mattis,
And soon they will explain to me just what this ‘kompromat’ is,
When pale dudes with black lungs chant, for me there’s no disputin’,
If not for fraud I’d’ve won each state, who says I needed Putin?
So why’s my genius Russian ruse been disparaged as collusion?
Watch Mueller’s unfair Witch Hunt burn on my pyre of confusion.
You’d best judge this tree by its fruit: Eric, Donny, hot Ivanka,
This Father of the Country’s proud any guy would wanna bonk ‘er;
And so in matters impolite, alternative, and skeptical,
I am the very model of the modern President-i-al.
by Martin Kozlowski with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan
01/25/19
