Under the Weathers
Excerpt from the script for Season 3, Episode 22: Stay the Coarse of the network sickcom.
Scene 1: Evening in the suburban living room of Walt & Wendy Weathers.
Wendy: (to bloated coronavirus sprawled on couch) Um, can I get you anything else?
Cory: How about another plate of your Buffalo T-Cells? They wuz delicious.
Walt: (sarcastically to Cory) Yeah, is every little thing OK?
Cory: (spreading his legs) Actually, Walt, my left lower spike itches. Wanna scratch? (laughter)
Walt: (in stage whisper) Jeez, Wendy, is this infection ever going to leave? He’s been here since our 10th anniversary party. In 2020!
Wendy: Oh, Walt, we can’t be rude. My Aunt Vax always said Friendliness is next to Godliness. (appreciative murmur)
Walt: Aunt Vax who Cory infected? Now she’s next to Godliness! (uneasy titters)
Cory: Ooo, dat was sad.
Walt: Hey, didn’t they tell you –– guests like fish start to smell after three days?
Cory: I heard it wuz bats. And they put up quite a stink. (laughter) Besides, I believe it was Dante who said the Tenth Circle of Hell wuz reserved for Bad Hosts.
Walt: Hold on a second. In the Inferno Dante only refers to Nine Circles. (knowing chuckles)
Cory: Oh, I wuz talkin’ about Dante Boombatz, an auto mechanic I landed in the ICU. (laughter)
Walt: I don't care what Jesus would do –– overstaying your welcome this long is a sin!
Cory: Like do not COVID thy neighbor's wife? (eyes Wendy lustily)
Walt: (pointing to his watch) That's it. I want you out of here in one hour! Wendy, get his coat.
Cory: Y’know I can’t hear you through that mask. C’mon, take that silly thing off and come sit next to me where we can talk all intimate-like.
Wendy: (reaching into the front closet) Maybe you should do him that courtesy, Walt. Besides the CDC’s guidelines on PPE have been AFU. (some tees, some hees)
Cory: (to camera, winking) CDC…my favorite. The Centers for Disease Confusion. (gales)
Walt: I’m not taking off this mask until you leave.
Cory: (rolling eyes) Hey, Halloween is coming up. Maybe youse can go as Dr. McDreamy and that Pompeo chick.
(Walt stares stonily as Wendy holds out Cory's jacket for him to put on)
Walt: Nice jacket, where'd you get it? Bug's Wearhouse?
Cory: No, I ordered it online from Hell Hell Bein'. (roars) Now, Walt, you don't really want me outta here. Let's watch Outbreak again. Or Delta Force. The Omega Man?
Walt: No way! I want (coughs lightly) …you to (hacks again, louder)…y'know. I'm asking that …(goes into coughing fit)
Cory: (with mock concern) Hey, big fella, you OK? (aws)
Walt: (slumps into chair still hacking) I'm …I'm feeling …
Wendy: Oh, Honey, let me get you some bleach over ice for that. (snickers from audience member who gets reference)
Cory: Yo, Walt, you wanted to ask me somethin'?
Walt: (head in hands, shoulders heave) I…(cough)… I can't remember…
Cory: (does little softshoe as he grins into camera) Y'see, folks, I got me some new symptoms. Like …amnesia! (explosive guffaws, foot-stamps, torched seats)
08/10/22
