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Cuckoo Coup
Week of 06/23/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Photo-illustration spoof of a horror film poster for Dracula vs. Frankenstein retitled Vladula vs. Prigozhin depicting Russian President Putin as a vampire struggling with Wagner Chief Progozhin as the Frankenstein Monster under the heading The  Kings of Horror Battle to the Death. The tagline below reads The Monstrous Clash the Word Wanted.Putin in crisis: Wagner chief Prigozhin declares war on Russian military leadership
–– 'Putin down' rebellion?

Hunter Biden reaches deal to plead guilty in tax, gun case
–– Craven the Hunter.

Russian army is retreating, Wagner boss claims in anti-war tirade
–– Tongue Wagner.

Putin in crisis: Wagner chief Prigozhin declares war on Russian military leadership, says ‘we will destroy everything’
–– 'Starting with me.'

Wagner mercenary boss faces arrest over ‘incitement to armed rebellion’
–– Has obviously been working on insanity plea.

Trump and House Republicans slam Department of Justice and Hunter Biden plea deal 
–– Claim defendant used incriminating pix of Lady Justice in hotel to sweeten terms.

House Republicans Desperately Searching to Find a Reason to Impeach Joe Biden
–– And excuse to keep breathing.

Boebert moves to force vote on impeaching Biden over handling of border
–– On hysteria.

Supreme Court rejects Texas effort to force Biden administration to change deportation policy
–– Boebert waiting for aides to finish flash cards so she can review.

Justice Alito Defends Private Jet Travel to Luxury Fishing Trip
–– Insists Justice should be swift.

Trump: I wanted to ‘get all my personal things out’ of classified doc boxes ‘and I was very busy’
–– Feared losing used condom collection.

At the Heart of the Documents Case: Trump’s Attachment to His Boxes
–– Cut little glory holes in them.

FBI resisted opening probe into Trump’s role in Jan. 6 for more than a year
–– Wanted to let other felony investigatons 'breathe.'

Ex-Trump attorney to face attorney disciplinary proceedings for 2020 election plot aimed at Pence
–– Eastman: Co-dick.

Schumer launches ‘all hands on deck’ push to regulate AI
–– Not ‘all hands on tech?’

The Boebert vs. Greene fight isn't just happening in a ladies' bathroom anymore — it's out on the House floor and uglier than before
–– Can’t they dig mud pit for ‘em?

A lawyer for the far-right Oath Keepers was deemed incompetent and her trial over the Jan. 6 Capitol riot will be delayed
–– Isn't that exactly when prosecution wants her on stand?

Dobbs Turns One
–– Into SCOTUS hater.

In a scathing dissent, Neil Gorsuch compared the Navajo Nation's plight to the experience of 'any American who has spent time at the Department of Motor Vehicles'
–– Permit us to disagree.

Ron DeSantis Is Young, Has Little Kids and Wants America to Know It
–– Hiding fact he has IQ of third-grader.

Former Texas Rep. Will Hurd launches 2024 bid for GOP presidential nomination
–– Have you Hurd?

A different way of visualizing the 2024 Republican race
–– With eyes closed until Nov. 6, 2024.

The new reality about Latino voters that Democrats must accept
–– Was old fantasy that they were

Greg Abbott Axes Water For Texas Construction Workers Amid 3-Digit Temperatures
–– It's his dry sense of humor.

Abbott signs bill banning ‘sexually oriented performances’ in Texas
–– How about him teabagging residents?

Poppers Cause AIDS, the Environment Makes Boys Trans Says Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
–– What makes political scions crazy?

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Says Russia Acted In 'Good Faith' In Ukraine Invasion
–– R u F**king Kidding?

Ketanji Brown Jackson’s ancestors were enslaved. Her husband’s were enslavers.
–– Seems like there’s marriage joke in there somewhere.

NYC approves hikes for some 1M rent-stabilized apartments
–– Close 'stable' door after lease bolted.

Modi’s U.S. visit sends a big, if quiet, signal to China
–– Like Kali flipping 4 birds.

As Modi visits, Biden praises India’s democracy despite critics
–– Without Modi-cum of irony.

Narendra Modi Is Not Who America Thinks He Is
–– Most Americans couldn’t tell him from last Uber driver.

Iran Is the Middle East’s Most Dangerous Tinderbox
–– Has UL-94 HB flammability rating.

Millions reach Mecca for huge Hajj in Saudi heat
–– Hajj-cha-cha-cha!

The Idol’ Co-Creator Reveals How He Sold The Weeknd on Playing a Creep: Imagine All the Dreams You Have, But ‘None of the Talent’
–– Not much of leap.

Tom Cruise Shot ‘Mission: Impossible 7’ Motorcycle Stunt on Day One So the Crew Would Know: ‘Do We Continue or Is It a Major Rewrite’ If I Fail?
–– Could've fulfilled subtitle Dead Reckoning.

‘Yellowstone’ co-creator Taylor Sheridan says he’s ‘disappointed’ about Kevin Costner’s show exit
–– Pushed panic Dutton.

Pixar’s New Movie Is So Bad It Makes Me Worry About the Studio’s Future
–– Happens when you reward director of your biggest bomb second crack.

Michael Shannon says he turned down a role in 'Star Wars' because he doesn't find big blockbusters 'very stimulating' work: 'The world doesn't need more mindless entertainment'
–– Just more 'pretentious twaddle.'

‘Life of Pi’ to Close on Broadway in July
–– After 4 months producers get Pi in face.

Opinion: We’re in the midst of anti-sex backlash that has ensnared Jennifer Lawrence’s new romcom
–– Or was it flaccid script?

‘Rocky Horror’ Creator Richard O’Brien Reveals Gender Struggles: “I Have So Much Girl in Me”
–– Which sounds like song from show.

Christopher Nolan Says Some ‘Oppenheimer’ Viewers Walk Out ‘Devastated’ and ‘They Can’t Speak’: ‘It’s Kind of a Horror Movie’
–– Always trust what director thinks of own new film.

'Asteroid City': Maya Hawke applauds how Wes Anderson 'cut all the fat and ridiculousness' on movie set
–– And put on screen.

Sylvester Stallone says Adele made keeping Rocky statue a deal breaker in buying his house
–– Ticked all boxers.

Henry Cavill's Bond Audition Was 'Tremendous,' Says 'Casino Royale' Director: 'If Daniel Craig Didn't Exist, Henry Would've Made an Excellent 007'
–– 'And if Green Lantern didn't exist, I'd have a decent reputation.'

Steven Spielberg, Martin Scorsese, Paul Thomas Anderson Meet With WBD Chief David Zaslav Following TCM Layoffs
–– Discovery: he's jerk.

Elliot Page Reveals a Famous Actor Told Him Being Gay ‘Doesn’t Exist’ and Threatened: ‘I’m Going to F— You to Make You Realize You Aren’t Gay’
–– Wanted to turn Page.

There’s a reason Black Sabbath's Geezer Butler doesn't have tattoos, and it involves Nazis
–– Is this story worth ink?

"For a while, it was the worst song on the album…" The story behind Rush's Tom Sawyer
–– Like until today.

Orville Peck Postpones Tour Due to Mental and Physical Health Struggles
–– Would it harm either if we admitted we have zero idea who he is?

Mark Zuckerberg Wants to Fight Elon Musk in a ‘Cage Match’: ‘Send Me Location’
–– Should be hamster cage.

Khloé Kardashian Says Son Was 'Not Able to Keep Anything Down' as Mom Kris Jenner Reflects on Nursing
–– After one look at fake boobs.

At Louis Vuitton, Pharrell Williams rewrites fashion for the celebrity age
–– And clowns.

Madonna Reportedly Made Her 29-Year-Old Boyfriend Sign An NDA To Stop Him From Spilling A Specific Secret
–– And Non-Diss Agreement.

Boots Riley on ‘I’m A Virgo’ Series: “I’m Not Really Making Stuff to Just Enlighten People”
–– Good, because you’re just not.

I Fell for a Famous, Much-Older Artist. Then He Got Violent
–– Beard blast.

Spotify executive Bill Simmons calls Harry and Meghan ‘grifters’ after podcast deal ends
–– Charges Royal Scam.

What America Could Learn From ‘Skip and Shannon: Undisputed’
–– If America is turning to Bayless & Sharpe it’s brainless & dull.

The Texas Rangers are MLB’s only team without a Pride Night. That’s unlikely to change
–– Being in state without pride.

Can chess be a team sport? Magnus Carlsen wants to find out.
–– When you cheat.

National test scores plunge, with still no sign of pandemic recovery
–– We’d tell you by what percentage, but we flunked math.

Moms for Liberty Uses Hitler Quote To ‘Scare’ Parents
–– Goosestep parents.

Bosses’ New Task Is Figuring Out Who’s High at Work
–– While hiding own buzz.

Musician Embracing AI Can Balance Technology With Integrity
–– And their innate laziness, lack of creativity.

Country Music Has Never Been More Gay
–– C'mon.

I’ve lived in Paris for 12 years—here are 15 questions French people ask to make small talk more interesting
–– 9. 'Pouvez-vous vous tenir sur la tête quand vous dites, 'il fait beau temps’?*

Mom Declares She's 'Not Doing Any Housework' After Husband's Snide Comment About Her Cleaning (Exclusive)
–– Some dust-up.

Can I Tighten My Saggy Neck Without Surgery?
–– Let us try with this noose.

Meet the Woman Behind the Stigma-Breaking 'Menopause Cafe': 'Why Does Nobody Talk About This?'
–– Doctors, family, friends not enough?

Is the Army’s New Tactical Bra Ready for Deployment?
–– Apparently.

A Psychic Was Once Awarded Nearly $1 Million After A CAT Scan Made Her “Powers” Vanish
–– And left cat familiar bald!

Washington County hairstylist charged for allegedly running prostitution business appears in court
–– Blowouts were 50 bucks.

Andrew Tate indicted on human trafficking and rape charges in Romania
–– Tate breeds hate.

Troy Bohling ID’d as man arrested for pushing two women over ravine at German fairytale castle: report
–– Ravine lunatic.

Indigenous woman reported missing after her first night in Denver, police say
–– So Sioux me.

Domino’s will deliver your next pizza without an address
–– So sit back, relax and wait.

’Drinkflation’ comes for the British pint. Brewers sell weaker beer but don’t cut prices
–– Piss pour.

Pink lemonade’s origin story begins with a disgruntled circus clown
–– Splooging in pitcher of lemonade.

Satisfying your sweet tooth is about to get more expensive
–– Suck on this.

Fans are just noticing that an iconic Good Humor ice cream treat no longer exists
–– Since last year. Must be huge fans.

6 Ways to Never Tire of Grilled Chicken
–– 1. Serve it bi-monthly.

31 dead, seven injured in gas explosion at restaurant in China
–– Guess they'll take Extra Spicy Fried Cabbage off menu.

Mormon Crickets Are Creating Havoc in Nevada
–– Going door-to-door.

He wanted to pet dogs for his 100th birthday. Hundreds lined up.
–– All the treats had nothing to do with it.

If You See A Dog With A Yellow Ribbon On Its Collar, Do Not Approach It
–– Just slap owner for embarrassing pet.

Fact or Fiction: Why Are Small Dogs So Aggressive?
–– Is there debate whether question exists?

Tiny Frogs Wearing G-Strings Reveal Insights Into Amphibian Rainforest Navigation
–– And tadpole dancing.

Parrots Are Taking Over the World
–– Demanding ‘more crackers!’

This dolphin ancestor looked like a cross between Flipper and Moby Dick
–– So like 'big dolphin.'

’Largest underwater scanning project in history’ gives never-before-seen view of Titanic
–– Titanic waste of money.

A search and rescue operation is underway for a submarine touring the wreckage of the Titanic
–– And we can’t decide which will get more clicks: triumphant rescue or horrible death.

Missing submersible near Titanic wreck has dwindling oxygen, official warns
–– For last gasp effort.

OceanGate Was Warned of Potential for ‘Catastrophic’ Problems With Titanic Mission
–– Did they let sink in?

He took an OceanGate sub trip to the Titanic. Now he has “survivor’s guilt.”
–– Now we’re supposed to pity rich asshole who didn’t die stupidly?

Titan sub: Coke can shows how 'implosion' may have happened
–– Can smartest commentator yet.

Opinion | He has flown 23 million miles. Here are his travel secrets.
–– 1. Stay out of submersible subs.

JPMorgan fined $4 million for deleting 47 million emails including some requested in subpoenas
–– Cut to Chase.

‘Rude’ Frontier Airlines employee barks at passengers while rushing them through boarding gate
–– Because he’s dog!

The Tropicana, a Relic on the Las Vegas Strip, Could Be Demolished
–– All bets are off.

Face of Anglo-Saxon teen girl from the seventh century revealed
–– She died painfully at 16 so why’s she smiling?

We’re Watching the Sky as We Know It Disappear
–– Open your eyes!

NASA’s Mars Sample Return has a new price tag—and it’s colossal
–– Not 'out of this world?'

The Universe Has a Pressure Cooker, and It Makes Black Hole
–– And tasty stews.

NASA’S Juno Spacecraft Captures Green Lightning on Jupiter
–– In a bottle?

3M Reaches $10.3 Billion Settlement in ‘Forever Chemicals’ Suits
–– Attempts to have them reclassified diamonds.

Ocean temperatures are off the charts, and El Niño is only partly to blame
–– Certified platinum.

Texas heat wave is so bad, meteorologists are apologizing for it
–– No excuse for Abbott's behavior.

US climate change lawsuit seeks $50 billion, citing 2021 heat wave
–– Cool $50 billion.

Paxton Whitehead, Stage Veteran and ‘Back to School’ Actor, Dies at 85
–– Whitehead squeezed.

*Can you stand on your head when you say, ‘nice weather we’re having”?