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Cut and Pasty
Week of 05/19/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Photo-illustration of House Speaker Kevin McCarthy and President Joe Biden doing upside down head stands on the ceiling of the House of Representatives chamber symbolizing their awkward negotiations to get the debt ceiling raised.Democrats warn Biden against cutting debt ceiling deal with McCarthy
–– Generous to a default?

Kaitlan Collins to anchor new 9 pm show on CNN
–– Really earned it with Trump Forum.

Liberals grow fearful Biden may reward GOP for weaponizing debt ceiling
–– Trigger warning.

Joe Biden is definitely going to prison! As soon as the GOP finds its missing informant.
–– Have proctologists working 'round clock.

Trump wished the 'Mothers, Wives, and Lovers' of 'Marxists' and 'Communists' a happy Mother's Day — but didn't send well wishes to Melania
–– She already knows fascists are close to his heart.

Chris Christie Says Trump Town Hall Audience Had ‘Same Faces’ From 2016 Primary: CNN ‘Went in the Tank’ to Get Former President (Video)
–– One where algae's growing.

Opinion The Durham investigation was a flop. But it’s a propaganda triumph.
–– Bull Durham.

Trump says he’ll bring back Michael Flynn if he wins in 2024: ‘He’s some man’
–– ‘iac.’

Former National Security Advisor John Bolton says world leaders saw Trump as a 'laughing fool' and disputes that the ex-president could have stopped Russia's invasion of Ukraine
–– Could've ignored it 1000 times better than Biden.

Disney ends nearly $1 billion Fla. project in DeSantis feud’s latest salvo
–– Grumpy vs. Dopey.

Disney to close $5,000 Star Wars: Galactic Supercruiser hotel
–– Millennium folly.

Donald Trump Jr.’s New ‘Non-Woke’ Men's Magazine Gets Shredded By Critics
–– MAGA Witnesses going door-to-door with Asleep!

Rudy Giuliani said Jewish people need to 'get over the Passover' because it was 'like 3,000 years ago,' adding 'the red sea parted, big deal,' lawsuit says
–– Suggests they drink vast quantities of Manischewitz wine.

Rudy Giuliani 'demanded oral sex while on phone to Trump'
–– Giving boss figurative blow job.

MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell asked supporters to buy stock in his online channel because his campaign to overturn the 2020 presidential election cost him $40M
–– Made his bed now lies in it. Repeatedly.

Steve Bannon 'swatted' again. The right-wing commentator was live-broadcasting his 'War Room' podcast when the police raided his home.
–– It’s what you do with pesky insects.

John Fetterman suggests failed Silicon Valley Bank executives should have the same work requirements 'Republicans want' for families receiving food stamps
–– We suggest same work requirements as inmates.

Staff Members Attacked With Bat at Congressman’s Virginia Office
–– Lose swing vote.

Abbott knocks Dominion over Tucker Carlson’s departure from Fox News
–– Tally whacker.

Columnist: Kari Lake’s ‘Star Witness’ Backfires Spectacularly In Courtroom
–– After explosion, released cloud of black smoke from arse.

Dianne Feinstein's staff makes sure the senator never walks around the Capitol by herself out of concern for what she might say to reporters amid her declining health and old age, report says
–– Advantage is, she physically can't.

Dianne Feinstein claimed she hasn't 'been gone' when asked about her lengthy absence from the Senate: 'No, I've been here. I've been voting’
–– Pointing to head.

I Can't Stop Thinking About Kyrsten Sinema Using Campaign Money to Fund Her Marathons
–– Give us run down.

Olympic gold medalist Sarah Hughes files to run for Congress in New York
–– Will win when Hell freezes over.

Lauren Boebert once told women in rocky marriages that they just need to start 'chasing Jesus' to solve their marital issues. Now she's getting divorced.
–– Jesus too quick for her.

The Post Office Is Spying on the Mail. Senators Want to Stop It
–– We were wondering what our mail carrier was doing behind tree across from post box.

At 75, Israel Has Plenty to Celebrate
–– Neighbors send bombe surprise.

Syria’s Bashar al-Assad returns to Arab League after years of isolation
–– Saudis welcome with open bone saws.

Separatists fed up with Trudeau want province to break away from Canada, become 51st state
–– Fox News Presents Marginal Morons, eh?

Wagner chief offered to give Russian troop locations to Ukraine, leak says
–– After gifting Russian troops helmets painted with targets.

Computer in Russia breached Metro system amid security concerns, report says
–– System reaches foggy bottom.

Pentagon Says Accounting Mistake Frees Up $3 Billion More for Ukraine
–– Decimal point nuked.

Johnny Depp on comeback trail in Cannes amid criticism of festival organisers
–– Totally out of their Depp.

Cannes Juror Brie Larson Unsure She’ll See Johnny Depp Movie: ‘I Don’t Know How I’ll Feel About It’
–– One way to find out.

Journalist Spit on By Johnny Depp’s Cannes Director Speaks Out: Maiwenn Is ‘Outspokenly Anti-#MeToo’ (EXCLUSIVE)
–– About what you’d expectorate.

‘Caligula’ Director Tinto Brass Slams ‘Caligula – The Ultimate Cut’ Screening in Cannes, Says He Is Taking Legal Action Against Penthouse Films
–– Brass bawls.

Helen Mirren stuns fans as she debuts blue hair look on opening day of Cannes
–– Down there in new Caligula cut.

Jane Fonda says director asked to sleep with her before filming sex scene
–– Off-camera, at least.

‘Indiana Jones 5’ Gets Lukewarm Five-Minute Cannes Ovation as Harrison Ford Says an Emotional Goodbye
–– Clap trap.

Martin Scorsese on ‘Schindler’s List’: ‘If I did it, it would not have been the hit that it became’
–– Goodführers?

Taylor Lautner Says He Doesn't Feel a “Bit of Resentment” Toward 'Twilight' Franchise Anymore
–– Too busy bussing tables.

The Sydney Sweeney ‘Scandal’ Is a Classic Case Of Hollywood Slut-Shaming
–– Report is classic slut-shamming.

‘Little Mermaid’ Composer Alan Menken Explains Why One Original Film Song Isn’t in the Live-Action Remake
–– And why there isn’t one original song in show?

Six years trapped at sea: ‘I was beaten with barbed stingray tails and scalded by boiling water’
–– Wow, Little Mermaid shoot sounded rough.

Box Office: ‘Hypnotic’ Marks Career-Worst Wide Opening for Robert Rodriguez, Ben Affleck
–– Trance planted.

Christopher Nolan Used Actual Scientists as Extras in ‘Oppenheimer’
–– Had very little screen chemistry.

Jeremy Strong says his father, the anti-Logan Roy, threw himself in front of a car to save him when he was 8
–– We, the pro-Logan Roy, say, "F**k off!"

Megan Fox says she’s never loved her body?
–– Had plenty of wackos, wannabes for that.

Dwayne Johnson Says He’s Had Multiple Bouts of Depression Throughout His Life: “You’re Never Alone”
–– Had trouble pinning down.

Dave Bautista's Been Ready To Stop Playing Drax After Guardians 3, And He Just Scored A Long-Awaited Action Movie
–– Drax kicking, screaming.

Kelly Clarkson Addresses Allegations of Toxic Work Environment on Her Talk Show: “Ensure That Any Notion of Toxicity Is Eradicated”
–– From all online reporting? We’re in.

Simon Pegg Hid Alcoholism on ‘Mission: Impossible’ Set: ‘You Learn How to Do It Without Anyone Noticing’
–– Didn’t have him pegged?

At 81, Martha Stewart Is the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Cover Star
–– Spots Illustrated?

Mindy Kaling just dropped her new swimwear line and it celebrates all sizes
–– Of charge card.

Miley Cyrus Used to Hold 'Guilt and Shame' Around Past Controversies but Now Feels She Was 'Harshly Judged'
–– Held them in contempt it seems.

’Queen Charlotte' star Golda Rosheuvel said she 'cried' after hairstylists made her feel seen. Here are 17 Black celebrities who faced hair discrimination on set.
–– They put mirror in front of her?

And the lowest Rotten Tomatoes rating in TV history goes to… Netflix's 'Queen Cleopatra'
–– Don’t asp.

Dave Chappelle Blasts San Francisco In Surprise Stand-Up Show, Asks For Batman
–– Because of all the robbin’?

Alec Baldwin’s ‘Rust’ Returns to Cannes With New Sales Company (Exclusive)
–– They do know they can change title before release?

Salman Rushdie Makes Surprise Appearance at PEN America Gala
–– Rushdie judgment.

True Tale of German Women Forced to Taste Hitler's Food to Be Depicted by Silvio Soldini in 'The Tasters' (EXCLUSIVE)
–– And he was reputed to be terrible cook!

Why I’m obsessed with this KC and the Sunshine Band song
–– Early onset dementia?

The Weeknd is no more. The Canadian singer has reverted to his birth name on social media
–– It’s Mnday for Weeknd.

After Decades of Drinks and Laughs, Is It Last Call at the Friars Club?
–– Friars tuckered?

Discarded photos of Nazis relaxing at Auschwitz led to this riveting play
–– Sunday in the Park With Gestapo.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle say they were in 'near catastrophic car chase' in New York
–– And they never exaggerate.

Did Harry and Meghan exaggerate their ‘catastrophic’ chase? It’s complicated
–– Plausible they don’t know meaning of word.

Kate Middleton Makes Surprise Appearance at Piano During Eurovision Song Contest
–– Even piano was like, ‘don’t tickle!’

Party supplies firm founded by the Middletons sold after collapse
–– Falling mylar Birthday balloon injures granny.

West Ham players jump into stands to defend families from ultra attack
–– Bludgeon attackers with hocks.

Small Dog Wearing Red Bow Found Hidden in Picasso Painting
–– Just to left of Waldo.

ChatGPT’s Sam Altman Warns Congress That AI ‘Can Go Quite Wrong’
–– Congress: 'AI, AI, oh?'

E.U. Approves Microsoft’s $69 Billion Deal for Activision
–– Cites ‘call of duty.’

Why Some Companies Are Saying ‘Diversity and Belonging’ Instead of ‘Diversity and Inclusion’
–– Different word they pulled out of hat.

Florida teacher says she is under investigation after showing 5th grade class Disney movie with gay character
–– But we always liked Smee.

He Told Followers to Starve to Meet Jesus. Why Did So Many Do It?
–– We haven’t stomach to find out.

Rasheem Carter was found decapitated in Miss. woods. His family believes he was murdered.
–– Or was really careless with chainsaw.

Kidnapped girl found after six years as shop owner recognises her from Netflix documentary
–– Had been on shelf for three!

Cash App founder Bob Lee was part of an underground party scene of sex and drugs called 'The Lifestyle' prior to his death, report says
–– Now he's underground party.

India Struggles to Eradicate an Old Scourge: Witch Hunting
–– aka Crone’s Disease.

Ex-Hillsong Pastor Carl Lentz's Wife 'Freaked Out' After Finding Him in 'Compromising Position' with Nanny
–– Missionary, we pray.

Derek Chauvin's ex-wife will spend 20 days in jail and pay $38,000 after she admitted to evading taxes for 6 years
–– Made for each other.

Cognitive decline after retirement is a universal trend. Here are 4 ways to reverse it
–– 2. Die earlier.

A scientist scraped a black dot on his forehead and filmed it under a microscope, revealing dozens of crawling face mites
–– And posted to Tinder.

What’s the Point of Your 20s? Ask the Patron Saint of Striving Youth.
–– We’d rather ask who made her patron saint.

When Did ‘Wholesome’ Become a Gen Z Compliment?
–– When ‘assholesome’ came to define cohort.

Woman, 99, realises dream of facing circus knife thrower
–– Looks to cut life short.

Gone Are ‘Daddy’ Days. These Are ‘Mother’ Times.
–– Thanks for mission statement, NY Times.

Lab-Grown Diamonds Fit for Cannes’ Red Carpet
–– Diamonds faker than half the boobs.

Shake Shack’s new veggie burger tastes like actual vegetables
–– A steer spit up.

Why birds and their songs are good for our mental health
–– Particularly bird brains.

Bobi, the world’s oldest dog, celebrates 31st birthday
–– With bone through straw.

Leopard attacks man's pet dog while he sleeps
–– Changes his Spot.

Why are India’s lions increasingly swapping the jungle for the beach?
–– Sandy camouflage.

A surprising number of drifting sea creatures found living in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch
–– Notably Oscar fish.

The world’s largest lakes are shrinking dramatically, and scientists say they have figured out why
–– Evaporation? Someone forgot to replace plug?

Here’s when you can see the moon in the Da Vinci glow
–– Dan Brown’s least-successful sequel.

Rock that punched hole in New Jersey house confirmed to be 4.6 billion-year-old meteorite
–– Without contractor’s license.

How Space Companies Plan to Build Roads and Bases on the Moon
–– Hiring Martians.

Experts Say You’re Probably Making These 5 Common Compost Mistakes
–– 4. Adding mother-in-law’s body.

The Smiths bassist Andy Rourke dies aged 59
–– Smiths' buster.

Sam Zell, 81, Tycoon Whose Big Newspaper Venture Went Bust, Dies
–– Zell low.

Helmut Berger, Star of Acclaimed European Art Cinema in the 60s and 70s, Dead at 78
–– Berger and fried.

Jim Brown, Football Great and Civil Rights Champion, Dies at 87
–– Brown out.