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Ode Red
Week of 05/05/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Behind Trump’s musical tribute to some of the most violent Jan. 6 rioters
–– Sing a song of sad punks.

The U.S. Is Running Out of Research Monkeys
–– Shouldn't they consider Jan. 6 prisoners?

Jan. 6 Rioter Gets 14 Years for Police Attacks, Longest Sentence Yet in Inquiry
–– Can lay siege to shower room.

Proud Boys Enrique Tarrio, 3 others guilty of Jan. 6 seditious conspiracy
–– Proud as a peabrain.

‘Very homophobic': Teachers' union leader Randi Weingarten says House hearing crossed the line
–– Butch-whacked by Marjorie Taylor-Greene.

How bad is it for Ron DeSantis? He’s polling at RFK Jr.’s level
–– Both need crazid vaccine.

The DeSantis-appointed board overseeing Disney World just filed a counter-lawsuit against the theme park
–– Naming Scrooge McDuck as litigant.

‘His people skills are very, very bad': Hear what Billionaire GOP donor thinks about DeSantis
–– His cartoon skills no better.

Trump Defends ‘Access Hollywood’ Tape During Angry Deposition In Rape Trial
–– It did provide single quote worthy of Bartlett’s.

‘He raped you,' friend of E. Jean Carroll testifies she said after alleged Trump attack
-–– Entire nation could relate.

Trump rape accuser E Jean Carroll says her generation stayed quiet about assault
–– And Trump typically bragged.

Trump Will Offer No Defense Witnesses in Rape Trial, His Lawyer Says
–– For indefensible?

At least 8 fake electors have been granted immunity in the Georgia Trump investigation
–– Can keep their make-believe ballot boxes.

Text shows Tucker Carlson describing how a 'group of Trump guys' jumped an 'Antifa kid,' saying 'It's not how white men fight'
–– He's white man who would hire blacks guys to beat up white guy then make sure they were convicted of assault.

Lawrence O’Donnell Says Tucker Carlson Was ‘Too Stupid to Know’ Texts Would Go Public: Racism ‘Eats Away at the Brain’ (Video)
–– Meager meal in his case.

As Biden Runs Again, Black Voters’ Frustration Bubbles
–– NY Times stirs brew for toil and trouble.

Dianne Feinstein Has to Act
–– In remake of Elizabeth Is Missing.

Clarence Thomas — who let a GOP megadonor foot bills for him for years — said being a Supreme Court justice 'is not worth doing for what they pay'
–– He was talking about bribers.

Clarence Thomas' wife Ginni was paid nearly $100,000 for 'consulting' by a nonprofit that ended up filing an amicus brief to the Supreme Court: report
–– More abacus brief to calculate payoff.

Emails Reveal ‘Jaw-Dropping’ Herschel Walker Money Scandal
–– Mouth breather always did have trouble keeping trap shut.

Embattled 1st Black St. Louis prosecutor Kim Gardner resigns
–– Gardner weeded out.

Opinion | To stop intelligence leaks, assume there will be bad actors
–– Yeah, we’ve seen Citadel.

Moscow Claims Explosions Above the Kremlin Were an Attempt to Kill Putin
–– Was he floating around up there at 2:30 am?

Ukraine denies targeting Putin in alleged Kremlin drone strike and accuses Moscow of a "trick"
–– Pretty neat one if they pulled off.

Russian and Ukrainian delegates come to blows at summit in Turkey
–– Gentlemen, you can’t fight here!

Wagner chief says his forces are dying as Russia’s military leaders ‘sit like fat cats’
–– More like mas cows.

Hollywood Writers Defiant as Strike Begins: “We’re Not Scared, Bring It On”
–– Geez, who wrote that line?

Writers Strike Begins: ‘No One Wants This, but It’s Necessary’
–– Hollywood version of colonoscopy.

Amanda Seyfried, Jimmy Fallon and Quinta Brunson are among the stars vocalizing support for TV and film writers
–– Touching when unemployed gig workers support union.

‘Saturday Night Live’ Shuts Down Due to Writers Strike
–– Cures skits o' frenetic behavior.

‘The Talk’ Goes Dark, Other Daytime Talk Shows Stay On as Writers Strike
–– Was already extremely dim.

Paramount CEO on Impact of Writers Strike: “Consumers Really Won’t Notice Anything for a While”
–– They haven’t noticed much in last 20 years.

Striking Writers Mock 'Wednesday' Star Jenna Ortega
–– If only scripts were as witty as picket signs.

Ed Sheeran not liable in Marvin Gaye copyright battle, jury rules
–– Townsend’s heirs to sue Steven Foster next.

Ed Sheeran Cleared by Jury of Copying Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get It On’
–– Crooned ‘Let’s Get It Off.’

Ed Sheeran Attorney on Court Victory: ‘He Feels Vindicated Not Only for Himself, but All Songwriters’
–– All songwriters: 'Sure, right, Ed. Um, thanks, I guess?'

Karl Lagerfeld's Cat Choupette Skips Met Gala to 'Stay Peacefully & Cozy at Home'
–– Sounds smarter than vast majority of attendees.

Doja Cat Is Unrecognizable Dressed as Karl Lagerfeld’s Cat Choupette for the Met Gala 2023
–– Would you want to be recognized pretending to be vampire's pussy?

What Would Karl Have Thought of It All?
–– So many fatties, so much fresh blood!

How Red Hair Took Over the Runway
–– Ginger Vitus?

Chloë Sevigny Is Craving Glamour: “How Many More Frumpy Mommies Can I Play?”
–– Plaint Jane.

Tom Ford Slams Celebrity Cosmetic Procedures: “People Are Injecting Way Too Many Things in Their Face”
–– Including bad boyfriends.

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 3’s Unexpected Groot Moment, Explained
–– Got his Groot on?

Chris Pratt Improvised the First Ever F-Bomb in the MCU
–– For Effin’-bomb.

Chris Pratt shares an 'Easter egg' about the time he played the guitar nude on The O.C.
–– Or two?

How James Gunn bounced back to become one of Hollywood's most powerful people
–– With Gunn blazing.

After Margot Robbie Fantastic Four Rumors Swirl, Fan Art Transforms Her Into The Invisible Woman
–– We always want her to be invisible woman in movies.

The ‘Star Wars’ timeline is confusing. Here’s when ‘The Mandalorian,’ ‘Ahsoka’ and more take place
–– In latest slang for ‘ridiculous.’

Samuel L. Jackson’s Getting His May The Fourth On, And Please Tell Me Where I Can Get That Mace Windu Sweatshirt
–– So I can wipe windu.

Billie Lourd and Mark Hamill honor 'our princess' Carrie Fisher at Walk of Fame ceremony
–– Leia down.

Jack Nicholson watches on courtside as LA Lakers dominate Memphis Grizzles to end series
–– One flew over the cuckoo’s rim.

Matthew Lawrence: ‘My Agency Fired Me’ After I Refused to ‘Take My Clothes Off for an Award-Winning Director’
–– Role of XXX-man?

Henry Winkler tells CNN how he realized 'Barry' character is an 'a-hole'
–– Looked in mirror.

The View’s Sunny Hostin Shares Her Thoughts On Don Lemon’s Firing: ‘It Doesn't Make Sense’
–– Which is her typical thought about most anything.

'S.W.A.T.' Canceled at CBS After Six Seasons
–– S.w.a.t.t.e.d.

Gwyneth Paltrow Compares 'Major' Brad Pitt Chemistry To 'Technically Excellent' Ben Affleck
–– On Dicked-her scale.

Cara Delevingne Looks Like a Completely Different Person With Blunt Bangs and Dark Hair
–– Gee, why doesn’t she take opportunity to knock over bank?

Zendaya Takes Her Curly Bob Courtside for Date Night
–– That’s unique nickname for pubes.

CBS could no longer afford to produce 'The Late Late Show with James Corden' as it raked in less than $45M but cost up to $65M to make, LA Magazine reports
–– Late Late Late Show.

Once valued at $5.7 billion, Vice may now be headed for bankruptcy
–– Vice principal retired.

Roman Polanski and the woman he pleaded guilty to raping pose together 45 years later
-–– Leaving behind past.

Why Camilla is a better match for Charles than Diana, according to royal experts
–– Well, she is alive.

Camilla is the royal who looks like herself
–– Really? We thought it was Edward Fox in fright wig up there.

How does the royal family make its money?
–– T-shirts mostly.

Prince William's 12th Anniversary Gift to Kate Middleton Was Very Sparkly and Sentimental
–– His bedazzled foreskin.

Massive Penis Is Mowed Into Lawn At King Charles Coronation Party Venue
–– Or plowed into it?

Elon Musk Talks Twitter, Censorship and the ‘Woke Mind Virus’ on ‘Real Time With Bill Maher’
–– They have ‘Woke mind virus fever’.

Inside the extreme roster purge by Deion Sanders that has college football buzzing
–– Didn’t even know they made prune juice Gatorade.

Fifty years after his Triple Crown, Secretariat remains an immortal wonder
–– Thorough dead, but, y'know, 'immortal.'

Colorado Avalanche’s Andrew Cogliano fractures neck during game and returns to play; team later announces he is ‘out indefinitely’
–– Snowed under.

Private Jet Travel Is Booming. And Shameful. And We’re All Paying for It.
–– They can break sound barrier?

I flew to Vietnam in search of its legendary parties. I found an empty nightclub, people getting high on balloons, and the saddest dance floor I've ever seen.
–– Maybe they saw you coming.

Tuesday Morning is going out of business and closing all of its stores
–– Will take mystery of stupid name to grave.

Jenny Craig is going out of business
–– After much belt-tightening.

10-year-old children were found working at a Louisville McDonald’s until 2 a.m.
–– Lazy bastards were supposed to finish work by midnight.

Schools Are Ditching Homework, Deadlines in Favor of ‘Equitable Grading’
–– So teachers can more evenly split marking time with TV viewing.

A Subway Killing Stuns, and Divides, New Yorkers
–– And kinda titillates.

Supreme Court Stays Execution of Death Row Inmate Richard Glossip
–– Spread idle Glossip.

Alex Murdaugh admits he 'invented' the story for insurance about housekeeper tripping over the dogs to her death
–– Unless ‘dogs’ slangily referred to own feet.

Man with neo-Nazi symbols kills 8 in second Serbia mass shooting
–– No NRA, 2nd Amendment tats?

A rare ‘wanted’ poster for John Wilkes Booth after he assassinated Lincoln sold for over $160,000
–– Booth would’ve killed for that review.

How to Feel Less Lonely, According to the Surgeon General
–– Start smoking.

4 mistakes to avoid when you’re lonely
–– 3. Yelling at imaginary roommates.

My Weekend With an Emotional Support A.I. Companion
–– Early contender for ‘saddest headline of year.’

Opinion | ADHD is an illness, not a lifestyle. Don’t punish people for it.
–– C’mon, we've all seen those ADHD spa ads.

Labiaplasty is on the rise. Here's why women say they had the controversial plastic surgery procedure.
–– Paying lip service.

Artist’s death spotlights peril posed by xylazine-fentanyl mix
–– Fentanyl alone A-OK?

The Battle Over Refrigerating Butter: ‘Enough Is Enough’
–– Sure, we all read Dr. Seuss’ The Brittle Butter Battle Book.

How to macerate fruit so it goes from drab to delightful
–– Grip banana firmly, but gently, rhythmically stroke.

Eating These Foods Has Been Clinically Shown To Increase Anxiety
–– Mexican jumping beans, fright potatoes, dread lox, angst beef.

Brains Are Aging More Slowly in This Hidden Part of the Amazon, Scientists Say
–– Of course they only need to remember which dugout is theirs and to keep out of anaconda, but still…

Can't Turn Your Brain Off At Night? This Underrated Ingredient Ushers In Calm
–– Strychnine.

A new model for the evolution of honey bee brains
–– That really buzzy dumb blonde.

Wooly mammoth tusks show rivals sparked raging aggression
–– You musth be kidding.

Animals Are Dying in Droves. What Are They Telling Us?
–– ‘Keep us out of droves!’

How many types of sea turtle are there?
–– Hey, you said ‘turtle’ singular –– is this trick question?

Seaweed blob stretching from West Africa to Gulf of Mexico reaches FL beaches
–– Looking for ‘Papa DeSantis.’

Why Does This Cannibalistic Fish Keep Washing Ashore?
–– To eats his own.

What are squat lobsters?
–– Stumpy crawdads?

Freya, the Walrus Killed by Norwegian Officials, Is Immortalized as a Sculpture
–– Artist taken to tusk.

Archaeologists discover 150 unknown fossilized species in Wales
–– But no whales!

Think like a beaver, create a pond – and lose the cat: seven ways to rewild your garden
–– We always want to lose cat.

Scientists Say They've Finally Solved Stephen Hawking's Black Hole Paradox
–– Found cheat code online.

Ocean temperatures are off the charts right now, and scientists are alarmed
–– In uncharted waters?

They're trying to cure nodding syndrome. First they need to zero in on the cause
–– We vigorously agree. Are we nodding too hard?

Biological clocks have been “rewired” to increase lifespan by 80 percent
–– Great if you crave 60 more years of arthritis, dementia.

The Long Covid Mystery Has a New Suspect
–– The scullery maid.

Arcturus COVID variant cases on the rise, symptoms include pink eye
–– They’re naming them after stars now? They have 450 to go.

CDC opens probe after 35 test positive for covid following CDC conference
–– From this week’s ‘Satire is dead’ file.

WHO declares end to Covid global health emergency
–– WHO knew?

CDC Director Rochelle Walensky announces departure
–– Guidelines subject to change.

Gordon Lightfoot, Canadian Folk Singer-Songwriter, Dies at 84
–– Goes down like Edmund Fitzgerald.