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Tuckered Out
Week of 04/28/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Photo-illustration of Tucker Carlson in an astronaut's suit floating in space with with his spacewalk cable cut  drifting away from the Death Star from Star Wars with a Fox News logo on it.Tucker Carlson Out at Fox News
–– Murdochs perform nip on Tuck.

How Democrats Learned to Cast Aside Reservations and Embrace Biden 2024
–– Gently, he’s fragile.

Opinion | Tucker Carlson, a terrible individual, leaves Fox News
–– Aw, you’re just saying that ‘cause he is.

Tucker Carlson enraged Fox News by calling an exec the c-word and feuding with its PR department before his ousting, report says
–– Aren’t they all Conservatives?

Sean Hannity Clueless Over Tucker Carlson Leaving Fox News: ‘It’s Very Hard,’ but ‘I Don’t Own the Company’
–– Although Murdochs did give him joke deed for HQ that he framed on wall.

Surprise Exit Catches Trumpworld By Surprise
–– And denizens usually so astute.

Tucker Carlson’s Old Fox News Timeslot Ratings Crater With Brian Kilmeade Losing Audience Nightly
–– Ol’ 'Kill Media'.

Marjorie Taylor Greene says that 'everyone I've talked to' is boycotting Fox and deleting its app after Tucker Carlson's ousting
–– Imagine who would talk to her.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene Receives The Easiest Fact Check Of Her Life
–– With her, fact checks always bounce.

Don Lemon, CNN Star Anchor, to Leave the Network
–– Lemon finally recalled.

Don Lemon Ousted From CNN in Move That Left Him ‘Stunned’
–– Tried to explain that as 57-year-old man he was in prime.

E. Jean Carroll takes stand again after testifying Trump raped her
–– Jury still trying to keep down lunch from first session.

Trump rape accuser E. Jean Carroll testifies that she didn't report alleged rape to her boss Roger Ailes because she thought he would've fired her
–– After whacking off.

Pence Appears Before Grand Jury on Trump’s Efforts to Retain Power
–– Has to sit in front of dark background to be seen.

‘Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret' author Judy Blume reminds Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis that girls are going to menstruate despite 'Don't Say Period' bill
–– Seeking comma ground.

DeSantis loses his cool with a reporter after being challenged over claims he witnessed torture while working at Guantanamo Bay
–– Demands, ‘What the heck’s wrong with enjoying your job?

Revealed: Senate investigation into Brett Kavanaugh assault claims contained serious omissions
–– Commission omissions.

Conservative dissenters block abortion limits in Nebraska, South Carolina
–– Had dissent bone in their bodies.

Montana G.O.P. Bars Transgender Lawmaker From House Floor
–– Leaving more time for straight shitters.

Rudy Giuliani Admits To ‘Dirty Trick’ That Suppressed Hispanic Vote In NYC Mayor’s Race
–– That he nicknamed Operation: Taco Bail.

Jack Teixeira wanted to kill ‘tons of people’ and had Russian army pendants on bedroom wall
–– According to his High School Yearbook.

US spent $877 billion on its military in 2022, new report says. That's more than 10 times what the federal government spent on education.
–– Have to pay Asian gamers to run high-tech equipment.

How one Chinese ambassador's comments set off a wave of European fury
–– What’s big deal in questioning legitimacy of 15 sovereign states?

China disowns ambassador's remarks questioning Ukrainian independence
–– Confucius says, ‘Speak not the quiet part out loud.’

Analysis: Xi Jinping’s self-serving call to Ukrainian president is bad news for Taiwan
–– Xi is bad news for Taiwan.

At U.S. behest, Ukraine held off anniversary attacks on Russia
–– Sent Moscow poisoned chocolates instead.

Wagner Group surges in Africa as U.S. influence fades, leak reveals
–– Where you’d think they wouldn’t get German opera.

DeSantis says Ukraine cease-fire is ‘in everybody’s interest’
–– But insists he ‘hasn’t watched the latest episodes.’

Sudan slides toward civil war and state collapse
–– Sorta sand sails.

Sudan conflict threatens supply of key soft drink ingredient
–– Latest front in Cola wars.

Afghanistan has become a terrorism staging ground again, leak reveals
–– Taliban gets banned back together.

Why send a US stealth submarine to South Korea – and tell the world about it?
–– Total humblebrag.

Former New Zealand leader Jacinda Ardern is heading to Harvard
–– Where they believe she’s still most popular PM ever.

Nate Silver Out at ABC News as Disney Layoffs Once Again Hit News Division
–– Silver bullet.

Keke Palmer Says Sexuality and Identity Have “Always Been Confusion” For Her: “I Always Felt Like I Was a Little Bit of Everything”
–– ‘And all annoying.’

Josh Brolin Poses Nude To Say Season 2 Of Prime Video’s ‘Outer Range’ Is “Taking Things In A Different Direction”
–– Sounds a bit on Thanos.

Chris Pratt and his costar would call the 'Guardians' director while filming the 'Avengers' movies to 'make sure the direction was all right'
–– Russo Bros. must've felt under Gunn.

Michael Shannon Hesitated to Reprise Zod in ‘The Flash’ Because He ‘Wasn’t Happy’ About Zack Snyder’s DC Exit: ‘He Gave Me His Blessing’
–– Zack backed Zod nod.

Ben Affleck says he and Matt Damon blew through the $110,000 they'd each made selling 'Good Will Hunting' and went 'broke in 6 months'
–– And were back to Goodwill hunting for used clothes.

Ryan Gosling details how he found his ‘Ken-ergy’ for the ‘Barbie’ movie
–– Without ‘Ken–barrassment?’

Christopher Nolan proclaims his new movie is about 'the most important person who ever lived'
–– He made autobiography?

How old is Baby Yoda? Here's what to know about Grogu from 'The Mandalorian'
–– Too old for all that cutesy goo-goo ga-ga shit.

Harrison Ford Is Done With Indiana Jones After Dial of Destiny
–– Dial set on Off.

Michael Keaton Asked ‘The Flash’ Director to Take Photos of Him in the Batsuit So He Could Show His Grandson: ‘Very Emotional’
–– For Bratboy.

Why 'Peter Pan & Wendy' director David Lowery wants to make movies that scare your children
–– He's utter creep?

Michelle Rodriguez Says She Developed Her Tomboy Style as a Kid for Protection (Exclusive)
–– When butch came to shove.

Miles Teller Calls Out Tom Cruise’s Top Gun- Maverick Oscars Snub- ‘We Don’t Realize How Much Work And Effort Goes Into That’
–– Actually snub’s pretty easy.

Elizabeth Olsen says she doesn't understand why she's called the internet's mom: 'I really don't get it'
–– Now, dear, it’s the internet, we’re not supposed to understand it.

Richard Lewis Announces Parkinson’s Diagnosis, Retirement From Stand-Up Comedy: ‘I’m on the Right Meds, So I’m Cool’
–– In least-funny routine ever.

Matthew Perry Pledges to Remove Controversial Keanu Reeves Comments From Future Memoir Editions: ‘I Said a Stupid Thing’
–– Which he should add as subtitle.

Eva Green Wins $1 Million From Producers of Failed Sci-Fi Movie, Lashes Out at ‘Bully-Boy’ Tactics: ‘Painful and Damaging’
–– Green around the guilts.

Dragon at Disneyland’s ‘Fantasmic!’ Performance Catches Fire
–– Result ‘Ashtounding!’

“The Little Mermaid” Live-Action Movie Just Revealed What Sebastian, Flounder, And Others Look Like, And Uhhh, It's Certainly Something
–– Fans rate Sea-minus.

Steven Spielberg Watched ‘Indiana Jones 5,’ Loved It and Told the Director: ‘Damn! I Thought I Only Knew How to Make One of These’
–– Startling words from Producer who stands to make millions off hit.

‘I was decadent, I was stupid, I was a fool’: the dark days of Donna Summer
–– Last dunce?

Woman accusing Ed Sheeran of ripping off hit Marvin Gaye song collapses in court
–– Making baseless claims exhausting.

Shaq Owns Up To On-Air Fart And TNT Crew Loses It
–– Denies double dribble.

Meghan, Duchess of Sussex signs with WME for representation
–– William Morass Endeavor.

Prince Harry said royals would be ‘laughing stock’ without phone hacking case
–– Now he’s sole punchline.

Belgium destroys shipment of American beer after taking issue with ‘Champagne of Beer’ slogan
–– Not quite Kid Rock shooting Bud Lite cans, but amusingly stupid.

Opinion | The Bud Light controversy reminds us how toxic masculinity can be
–– The most annoying cliché.

The Brilliant Way I Cook Frozen Chicken Breast When I Forget to Thaw It
–– I just serve on stick dipped in chocolate.

“Texas-Style” Pulled Pork Is Embarrassing
–– Pigs should do that in private.

Horse meat tastes exactly like beef and I bet you couldn't tell the difference
–– Neigh?

Heinz offered the fisherman who survived 24 days at sea a new boat with GPS, but he didn't get enough money to buy one with a navigation system
–– Still playing ketch up.

‘Vampire’ straw found hidden in traveler’s backpack at Boston airport, cops say
–– For Bloody Marys?

It’s a myth that women don’t want sex as they age, study finds
–– Then why so many husbands in Never Never Land?

Why Did I Spend My Last Birthday Alone in Alaska? Ask My Astrologer.
–– Have her call us.

Can I Edit Pink Hair Out of My Daughter’s Wedding Photos?
–– Below bikini line?

Oral Sex Is a Leading Factor in the Throat Cancer 'Epidemic' in the United States, Doctor Says
–– You said a mouthful.

Pakistani American woman exposes three racist Italian women she encounters, and one of them reaches out: ‘I assure you that we repudiate racism just as much as you do’
–– A lot to unPak.

A high school senior graduating two years early has been offered admission at more than 170 colleges and more than $9 million in scholarships
–– A white kid from suburbs!

The Ten Commandments could be in every Texas classroom next fall
–– Along with Ten Plagues.

Airline Ranked 'Worst Of The Year' Will Not Surprise Anyone
–– Sows x Southwest.

The Repo Man Returns as More Americans Fall Behind on Car Payments
–– And never truer, ‘the more you drive…’

The World’s Richest Person Auditions His Five children to Run LVMH, the Luxury Empire
–– In amateur production of Succession.

Bed Bath & Beyond Files for Bankruptcy
–– Beyond turns out to be Breadline.

I went to a doomed Bed Bath & Beyond in my city and found stocked shelves, no deep discounts, and few signs that the end was near
–– Was Beyond disappointed?

Fed autopsy on SVB details grave mismanagement
–– Didn’t know they owned cemeteries.

‘Too provocative’ mermaid statue causes stir in southern Italy
–– Thereby hangs quite a tail.

In wake of Ralph Yarl shooting, Black teens face fear and resignation
–– This week in sweeping, unverifiable, belittling generalizations.

Kim Potter, the officer convicted of killing Daunte Wright, released from prison
–– And women wonder if 24-month prison diet might be right for them.

Missing Massachusetts woman's husband searched for '10 ways to dispose of a dead body,' prosecutors say
–– And it worked –– is this ad for Google?

Police say man continued date after fatal shooting over $40
–– Parked his carcass.

I Watched My Mom Die A Terrible Death. Then The Police Started Asking Questions.
–– About knife in my hand!

Man arrested in ‘demonic’ murder and dismemberment of Uber Eats driver in Florida, investigators say
–– Had ordered Red Hots, Devil Dogs.

3 men arrested in Colorado rock-throwing spree that killed 20-year-old driver: What we know
–– Rock smarter than all three combined.

Suspect in fatal Hawaii cockfight shooting pleads not guilty
–– Claims bird brought own gun.

Chevy Chase Homeowner Nearly Pet Bear He Mistook for Neighbor’s Dog
–– In worst Vacation comedy ever.

An Extremely Rare, Revered Reptile Is on the Brink of Extinction After Last Female Dies
––- And lonely male turtles left to ‘shine their shells.’

Bizarre Worm Blobs Thrive In The Depths Of Sewers And Toxic Caves
–– And MAGA heads.

Polynesian snails release is biggest ever of ‘extinct in the wild’ species
–– Beat out Brush-tailed bettong's album.

Scientists Sequenced DNA of Nearly Every Mammal on Earth in Unprecedented Project
–– Nearly every mammal insufficiently grateful.

Invasive Spotted Lanternflies Are Hatching Soon. Kill Them. Kill Them All.
–– Here’s a bazooka.

Scientists Dramatically Extend Cell Lifespan in Anti-Aging Breakthrough
–– ‘Can you make our amoeba live longer –– can you, can you?’

What Are The Absolute Worst Ways To Die? Five More Grim Answers From Science
–– ‘Can you kill these lanternflies –– can you, can you?’

Train derails into Mississippi River near Wisconsin community
–– Which is geography lesson on Mississippi, at least.

In Space, The Dead Scream — Now, Scientists Are Finally Listening
–– But we thought in space no one can hear… aw, forget it.

Commercial lunar lander presumed lost after historic moon landing attempt
–– Musk to Japanese: ‘You lucky bastards!’

Nuclear Waste Is Misunderstood
–– It should speak up.

New York set to pass first statewide law banning gas in new construction
–– Workers will need to cut down on chili dog lunches.

Let’s talk about the biggest cause of the West’s water crisis
–– Let’s just guess it’s linked to eating meat.

Electrify Everything, Everywhere, All At Once
–– While you still generate 60% of electricity with fossil fuels.

I back saboteurs who have acted with courage and coherence, but I won’t blow up a pipeline. Here’s why
–– Not felon groovy?

Dr. Fauci Looks Back: ‘Something Clearly Went Wrong’
–– Went? How about still is?

Chinese Censorship Is Quietly Rewriting the Covid-19 Story
–– Pens leak like virus from Wuhan lab.

Len Goodman: Strictly Come Dancing and Dancing with the Stars judge dies at 78
–– Taps out.

Jerry Springer, Host of TV’s Most Controversial Show, Dies at 79
–– Sprung.

Harry Belafonte, 96, Dies; Barrier-Breaking Singer, Actor and Activist
–– Dead-O.