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Farceur's Day
Week of 06/16/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of the 50s sitcom Father Knows Best retitled Fathead Knows Best with smiling father figure Donald Trump embracing his Republican political family as they support him after his federal indictment on 37 felony counts related to the mishandling of classified documents, obstructing justice and making false statements. The group includes Senator Lindsay Graham and Representatives Marjorie Taylor Greene, Jim Jordan and Lauren Boebert.80 percent of likely GOP voters think Trump should still be able to be president if convicted
–– 79 percent believe he currently is.

How ‘Defund the Police’ Failed
–– Was it idiotic part?

Trump’s Last-Minute Scramble to Find a Florida Lawyer Fails: Report
–– Is trying to land Rachel Zane.

Trump lawyer who bailed on documents case says in separate lawsuit he is withdrawing due to ‘irreconcilable differences’
–– Whose name is, adjust your hernia belt, Trusty.

Barr: GOP spouting ‘big lies’ comparing Trump handling of classified documents to previous presidents
–– Twist and spout.

National Review editorial board: Impossible to read Trump indictment and ‘not be appalled’
–– Impossible not to read his face, feel same.

Opinion | A Trump Pardon Could Drain Poison from the System
–– Directly into citizenry.

Graham says Trump not a spy: ‘This is not espionage’
–– We say Graham is mole –– kind you have removed from ass.

Speaking of Forest Fires, Let’s Talk About Trump
–– Isn’t that dumpster variety?

Trump Says His Hand-Picked Chief of Staff Was ‘Born With a Very Small Brain’
–– Not small enough to put up with more than 18 months of his BS.

Tucker Carlson Pinpoints the ‘Precise Moment’ Donald Trump ‘Doomed Himself’ to Arrest: ‘He Sealed His Fate’
–– Thank god we’re still getting expert analysis from shamed firee.

Republicans Acknowledge Biden Bribe Audio Might Not Exist
–– Grease: the bomb.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Offered to Announce He and Cheryl Hines Had Separated to ‘Protect Her’
–– Kinda 'vaccinate' from criticism?

Protesters carrying Nazi flags and DeSantis imagery gathered outside Disney World in Orlando, Florida
–– Like something out of Mother Goosestep.

DeSantis pledges to ‘do better’ than Trump on picking Supreme Court justices
–– Brain-damaged macaque could ‘do better.’

Miami Mayor Francis Suarez officially launches 2024 presidential bid
–– In 'Suarez In' ceremony.

Chris Christie Reminds Fox News of Trump’s ‘Build the Wall’ Campaign Swing – and Miss: ‘Mexico Hasn’t Given Us One Peso’ (Video)
–– Bemoans peso progress.

George Soros Gives Control of His $25 Billion Foundation to His Son
–– Soros loser?

George Santos called on the House to censure Adam Schiff. But when his vote was needed to support the measure, he instead voted ‘present’
–– Because he thought he was such gift to his party.

Mayor Eric Adams, NYPD Commissioner Keechant Sewell appear together for first time since resignation news
–– His remarks were ‘poiseness.’

What a Commissioner’s Abrupt Exit Says About the N.Y.P.D. Under Adams
–– It's like Keystoned Kops.

7 key findings from the Justice Dept. report on the Minneapolis police
–– Subtitled Floyd and Prohibited.

Rep. Finstad staffer attacked at gunpoint after Congressional Baseball Game
–– A strike and he'd be out.

Putin Asserts Ukraine’s Counteroffensive Has ‘No Chance’ at Economic Forum
–– Because he's been right about everything else in war.

Putin says Russia positions nuclear bombs in Belarus as warning to West
–– After consultation with feng shui consultant.

Leopard tanks Russia claims to have destroyed turned out to be farming equipment
–– Insists it heard them growl.

Car Given by Prigozhin to Wagner Mercenary’s Widow Racked Up Nearly 500 Fines
–– Tickety boom.

China’s Aging Population Is a Major Problem. But Its Youth May Be an Even Bigger Problem
–– Excuse us, did you say ‘Asian population?’

North Korea’s Kim pledges ‘full support and solidarity’ to Putin on Russia’s National Day
–– After toast downs tumbler of vodka, passes out.

Cuba is hosting a Chinese spy station, White House says
–– At Buena Surveille Star Social Club.

Nicola Sturgeon, Scotland’s Former Leader, Is Arrested in Financial Inquiry
–– Sturgeon netted.

Kill, terrorize, expel: Testimonies detail atrocities by Wagner-backed militia in Sudan
–– Sudan impact.

Demi Lovato says being non-binary is 'exhausting' because she has to deal with things like 'having to access the women's bathroom, even though I don't completely identify with it'
–– Sounds like stall order.

Former Israeli PM Yair Lapid testifies in Netanyahu's corruption trial
–– Media Lapid up.

TV Ratings: Tony Awards Edge Up
–– Several non-family members tune in.

Jennifer Grey Tears Up as She Presents Tony Lifetime Achievement Award to Dad, 'Cabaret' Star Joel Grey
–– Drippy dancing.

Karen Allen Recalls Working with Harrison Ford, Steven Spielberg on ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ (Exclusive)
–– Not so easy at 71.

Opinion: Why I’ll be thinking about Harrison Ford this Father’s Day
–– He’s my dad!

Lin-Manuel Miranda on the Directive He Received From Sondheim: “Get Back to the Piano and Get Back to Writing”
–– “And something decent this time. No more Disney crap.”

Michael Shannon Admits Reprising Zod in ‘The Flash’ Wasn’t ‘Satisfying’: ‘These Multiverse Movies Are Like Somebody Playing With Action Figures’
–– Somebody pretty stupid.

Chris Hemsworth backtracks on calling 'Thor: Love and Thunder' 'too silly': 'Sometimes there's too much of a good thing'
–– Or ‘way too silly.’

Matt Gaetz & John Rich React to Garth Brooks’ Decision to Sell Bud Light at His Bar
–– Those two light in their laughers.

Naomi Watts Announces Marriage to Billy Crudup
–– Watts Crudup with that?

I saw both Taylor Swift's Eras Tour and Beyoncé's Renaissance World tour. Both shows were memorable but only one was a once-in-a-lifetime concert.
–– This guy’s lifetime.

Marlon Wayans accuses United of 'racism and classism' after he's pulled off flight over baggage
–– Airline disrespected his lack of class?

‘Wakanda Forever’ Star Tenoch Huerta Denies Sexual Assault Allegations
–– His Huerta against hers?

Tom Holland says he gets more love for ‘Lip Sync Battle’ than his movies
–– Given lip service.

Tom Cruise and Hayley Atwell Spotted Leaving London Screening of 'Mission: Impossible 7'
–– Who wouldn’t get out soon as possible?

An Intimacy Coordinator Reacts to ‘The Idol’ Pilot: ‘I Felt Betrayed’ That HBO ‘Used Us as the Butt of the Joke’
–– Artfully covered butt.

Elizabeth Hurley stars in erotic thriller written and directed by her son, 21
–– Entitled Not Too Creepy.

Colin Jost disputes Pete Davidson's claim that they were both 'stoned' when they paid $280,100 for a decommissioned Staten Island ferry: 'I was actually stone-cold sober'
–– Staten obvious.

Pete Davidson charged with reckless driving after Beverly Hills car crash
–– Of ferry?

Kevin Costner says his estranged wife won't move out unless he OKs 'unreasonable financial demands' in an increasingly bitter divorce case
–– Says it's stick-up.

Steven Soderbergh on His New Miniseries ‘Full Circle,’ Not Sweating A.I. and Why Cellphones Are the ‘Worst Thing That’s Ever Happened to Movies’
–– Yeah, we saw Unsane.

Kesha Says Jerry Seinfeld Refusing to Hug Her in Viral 2017 Video Was the 'Saddest Moment of My Life'
–– Must’ve had ecstatically happy existence.

Pixar Boss Pete Docter Says the Studio ‘Trained’ Families to Expect Disney+ Debuts, ‘Elemental’ Buzz at Cannes Was ‘Confusing’
–– Before that trained them to expect decent movies.

Priscilla Presley's Son Navarone Garcia to Be Granted 1/9 of the Late Lisa Marie Presley's Trust
–– The gains of Navarone.

Chris Pratt says 'every dad secretly fantasizes' about what they'd do if someone messed with their kids: 'Where's the duct tape and how deep is the trunk?'
–– And that’s if daughter’s date doesn’t open car door for her.

Angry Taylor Swift fans push lawmakers to take on Ticketmaster
–– Only time government action’s Swift.

Wheel Of Fortune May Already Have A Frontrunner For Pat Sajak’s Replacement And I Think It’s A Logical Choice All Around
–– A jar of mayonnaise.

Harry Is a More Interesting Prince Than We Deserved
–– Then you deserved.

Conor McGregor sends Miami Heat mascot to hospital following punch during mid-game skit, per report
–– Feels the Burnie.

Yankees broadcaster John Sterling, bloodied by foul ball, will be back in booth Sunday
–– Pounds Sterling.

The Athletic Cuts Nearly 4% of Its Newsroom
–– Athletic supporters sag.

Tiger Woods set to miss Open Championship, his third straight major absence
–– Par for cuss.

At least 9 injured in a mass shooting in downtown Denver, police say, soon after Nuggets’ NBA title win
–– Chicken Nuggets.

Opinion | ‘South Park’ creators revive the world’s worst — and most fun — restaurant
–– Best use of $20+ mil ever.

Millions of Americans’ personal data exposed in global hack
–– After being laid bare by Big Tech legally.

Starbucks ordered to pay $25.6 million to a manager who says she was fired for being White
–– Milked for whole latte cream.

Bosses are fed up with remote work for 4 main reasons. Some of them are undeniable
–– 3. Zoom production values.

35 cheap Amazon Father’s Day gifts if you’re stumped on what to get Dad
–– 5. Beer Can Tab Key Ring, 4. Birthday Candle Mustache Wax, 3. Zippo lighter/Crème Brûlée Torch, 2. Rubber Band Sunglass Strap, 1. World’s Greatest Dad Dixie Cup.

A family who found 800,000 pennies in their basement tried to find a million-dollar coin, but gave up and now want to sell the lot for $25,000
–– To someone who flunked arithmetic.

A San Diego man got sick of living in a regular country so he founded a nation of his own called Slowjamastan and crowned himself its sultan
–– Based on name, it’s Nob Man's Land.

A woman is renting herself out to lonely strangers for just 14 cents on China's version of Instagram to help them 'feel alive' — but it's not what you think
–– Hand jobs are 15 cents.

‘We’re paying twice for the same experience’: Plus-size travelers hit out at ‘discriminatory’ airline seat policies
–– Roundly criticized.

Fort Worth bishop releases video speaking out on bitter dispute with Arlington nuns
–– Entitled ‘Filthy Habits.’

A man drowned snorkelling in Hawaii on his honeymoon. While rescuers scrambled to help, thieves stole the couple's cell phones, wallets, and rental car.
–– Which really upset wife.

New details emerge about the alleged search history of the Utah mom charged with her husband’s murder
–– “What is a lethal dose of fentanyl” might’ve been for Trivia Night.

A man accidentally shot himself in his sleep while dreaming about a home invasion. He's now been charged with 2 felonies.
–– So there was criminal in house.

‘They’re 100% not human’: Las Vegas police investigate reports of extraterrestrial sightings
–– They were from Strip after 2am.

Woman presumed dead found alive in coffin at her wake in Ecuador
–– Wanted lid open so she could hear eulogies better.

New York woman dies in hit-and-run by a suspected drunk driver she refused to ride with earlier, officials say
–– Made one good decision that night.

Curiosity rover captures dramatic new portrait of the Martian landscape
–– It's like Rad Planet!

Ancient stones removed in France to build new hardware store
–– Le Home Depot.

Where Are Their Heads? Hordes of Ancient Statues Pose That Puzzle
–– Have they checked up stony asses?

A man knocked down a wall in his basement. He found an abandoned underground city that was once home to 20,000 people.
–– And then woke up?

Archaeologists find a 3,000-year-old sword so well preserved it’s still gleaming
–– With barbarian blood!

Fighters in Violent Medieval Class War Used Penis Stone to Sharpen Swords, Archaeologists Say
–– Similar to what mohels use for circumcision blades today.

Bear walks out of ocean onto crowded Florida beach
–– Crowded with gay men.

Pythons are killing off predators in Everglades, leaving rats to thrive
–– One explanation for state’s political situation.

See why scientists are putting 'pants' on these poison frogs
–– They’re hung like Kermit.

'We didn't even see them coming': Orcas are attacking boats in Europe
–– Guess it has something to do with ‘under cover of water.’

Strange fish spotted smiling for cameras
–– While flippering cameraperson off.

Environment activists smear red paint on Monet artwork at Stockholm museum
–– Because worst polluters are big Impressionism fans.

Gas stoves pollute homes with benzene, which is linked to cancer
–– Any other ways we can scare you into buying $2231 induction stove?

‘We know how to kill it’: Irish national park battles slow-motion ecological calamity
–– Pour kegs of Guinness on it.

Ted Kaczynski, known as the ‘Unabomber,’ is believed to have died by suicide, source says
–– Which he’s been working on since 1978.

Newspapers Printed Unabomber’s Manifesto in 1995. It’s Still Fiercely Debated.
–– Story blew up.

Treat Williams, ‘Everwood’ and ‘Deep Rising’ star, dead at 71
–– Frozen Treat.

John Romita Sr., Legendary Marvel Artist, Dies at 93
–– Brushed off.

Robert Gottlieb, Editor of Beloved and Catch-22, Dead at 92
–– Cut.

Two-time Oscar-winning actress Glenda Jackson dies at age 87
–– Jackson. Hole.

Cormac McCarthy, among America’s greatest authors, dies at 89
–– Hits The Road.

Silvio Berlusconi, Flamboyant and Controversial Italian Media Tycoon and Former Prime Minister, Dies at 86
–– La Dolce Morte.

Daniel Ellsberg, Pentagon Papers leaker and anti-war activist, dies at 92
–– Springs leak.