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Settle Slew
Week of 04/21/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of a Fox News Flash entitled 'Highway Robbery Skyrockets in Blue States!' above the photo-illustration of a Dominion voting machine rolling down a highway carrying a suitcase full of cash as it leaves Fox Chairman Rupert Murdoch lying dazed in the street behind it. The 'robbery' is a reference to the $787.5 million settlement by Fox in their defamation trial with Dominion. The voting machine chirps 'Beep! Beep!' and the tag line reads 'Fox Exec Latest Victim!'Fox to pay Dominion Voting Systems $787.5 million to settle election defamation lawsuit
–– Non-apology accepted.

Musk: SpaceX "learned a lot for next test launch"
–– "How make go boom."

Fox News host previously barred from reporting on Dominion suit says he will cover trial ‘fair and down the middle’
–– Mistah Kurtz –– he dead wrong.

Fox Host Calls The Claims Aired By His Network 'Obviously False' Amid Settlement News
–– Well, did get that right.

The Dominion Case: Fox News Stumbles Into 1st Amendment Fight of the Century With One Arm Tied Behind Its Back
–– Other up Murdoch's ass.

Trump calls on Rupert Murdoch to back false 2020 election fraud claims ahead of Dominion trial
–– Rupe offers him $7.87 to 'f**k off!"

What’s Next for Dominion After Its $787.5 Million Settlement With Fox News?
–– They're going to King's Dominion!

Fox News Parts Ways With Weekend Host Dan Bongino
–– Farewell, my loony.

Senate Republicans who backed Trump's election fraud claims say Fox News settling Dominion case leaves things 'a little murky'
–– Like goo in their heads.

Mike Lindell’s firm told to pay $5 million in ‘Prove Mike Wrong’ election-fraud challenge
–– Could've safely offered $5 billion to prove him right.

Parody hitman website nabs Air National Guardsman after he allegedly applied for murder-for-hire jobs
–– We found this on non-parody site.

Why a 21-year-old had a top-secret security clearance
–– Desperate Guard offered that or new Tesla.

Discord users say Jack Teixeira only leaked documents to show off. That's a problem for the US military, which uses the app as a conduit for recruitment.
–– Guess his nude selfies were pretty unimpressive.

McCarthy Proposes One-Year Debt Ceiling Increase Tied to Spending Cuts
–– Launches Operation: Spit in the Wind.

Report: Judge That Ruled Against FDA-Approved Abortion Pill Hid Controversial Article From Senate
–– Had 13-page document rolled up inside body cavity as he sat for hearings.

Marjorie Taylor Greene fires back at Lindsey Graham by posting Photoshopped pic of senator hoisting a Bud Light with trans influencer’s image
–– This pud’s for you.

Budweiser releases new pro-America ad with iconic mascot in wake of Anheuser-Busch Mulvaney controversy
–– Critics wonder if Clydesdale dong prosthetic.

GOP megadonor Harlan Crow isn't charging Clarence Thomas' mother rent. Zillow estimates suggest that would have saved her $155,000 since 2014.
–– Takes out maintenance fees in trade.

Trump considers federal abortion ban a vote-loser and is unlikely to support one
–– And wants to keep options open in highly-unlikely instance of nailing fertile babe.

Joe Tacopina is pretty sure he can get Trump out of this
–– Holding up Chinese handcuffs.

Democrat Rips Republicans On House Judiciary Committee For 'Blatant Antisemitism'
–– Republicans: 'Don't get your hooked nose out of joint!'

Chris Christie on Florida-Disney Feud: ‘I Don’t Think Ron DeSantis Is a Conservative’
–– We’re not sure he’s human.

Disney to Host ‘Pride Nite’ after DeSantis Announces Bill Stripping Entertainment Giant of Self-Granted Protections
–– Shee, formerly Smee, going as Captain Hook's date.

DeSantis threatens to build a state prison next to Disney World, in latest round of retribution over power grab
–– With It's a Small World ride to punish repeat offenders.

Disney announces groundbreaking for affordable housing in Florida
–– DeSantis: '$76.83-a-day in prison is affordable.'

‘World population is reordering' -UN on India's growth
–– Tikka Masala, Korma, Naan.

Russia sentences Kara-Murza, Putin critic and Post contributor, to 25 years
–– Tied to whipping Post.

WSJ reporter loses appeal on arrest in Russia
–– Journal now sorry they didn't endorse Trump in '20.

Russians boasted that just 1% of fake social profiles are caught, leak shows
–– When we know 99% of legitimate ones are bullshit.

Exclusive: Navy Will Spend $200 Billion––Equal to Ukraine’s GDP––on Subs It Barely Uses
–– But will be prepared if Atlantis invades.

US arrests two for setting up Chinese 'secret police station' in New York
–– Authorities suspicious of Chef's Top Secret Sauce when ordering takeout.

Former Indian lawmaker slain live on TV while in police custody, state restricts gatherings
–– Out of Lucknow.

‘Rust’ Prosecutors Are Dropping Charges Against Alec Baldwin, His Lawyers Say
–– Rust sleeps.

Jennifer Garner’s return to TV is much appreciated
–– By her.

Jane Seymour talks plastic surgery and aging: 'I think it’s useful to actually have the muscles working'
–– 'I was attempting a smile and wink as I said that.'

Ana de Armas says her father was 'hysterical' after Robert De Niro paid him a surprise visit in Cuba
–– Granted, with a beard he does look bit like old Fidel.

Frank Ocean Jolts Coachella Festival With Aimless, WTF Headlining Set
–– You can 'jolt' with befuddlement?

Frank Ocean Stuns Fans With Late, Short Performance at Coachella
–– So that’s ‘stuns’ not in usual online usage as when 60-year-old actress wears bikini?

Kendall Roy's 'Succession' penthouse hits market for $29M
–– Can we write prop check for it?

Inside Broadway’s Emotional Closing Night of ‘The Phantom of the Opera’
–– Chandelier wept openly after final fall.

Andrew Lloyd Webber: The Closing of ‘Phantom,’ the Loss of My Son and the Future of Broadway
–– Um, sorry for your losses, but pass.

Why Molly Ringwald translated an infamous story of film exploitation
–– And didn't retitle The Butter Battle Book.

Fans Can’t Get Enough Of Selena Gomez’s Low-Cut Cottagecore Cardigan That She Wore For Taylor Swift’s Concert: ‘I Love Their Friendship!’
–– We felt it was more bungalowboho.

Fans Defend Jack Nicholson After Paparazzi Photos Of The Star Looking ‘Disheveled’ Go Viral
–– As gross as it gets.

George Clooney Says Mark Wahlberg, Johnny Depp Turned Down ‘Ocean’s Eleven’: “They Regret It Now”
–– Ocean Depp and Marky high?

F. Murray Abraham Apologizes After ‘Mythic Quest’ Dismissal: ‘I Told Jokes That Upset Some Colleagues’
–– 'That I heard from Frank Langella.'

‘It was never a big problem': Roman Polanski's victim defends director who raped her when she was 13 - in new interview with his wife 45 years after attack that forced him to flee US
–– What a thoughtful anniversay gift.

Jonathan Majors’ Issues Worsen as More Alleged Abuse Victims Cooperate With D.A.’s Office (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Majors’ headaches.

Rachel McAdams and Her Armpit Hair Will See You Now
–– Talk to the axilla.

‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ Getting Remake Treatment From Elizabeth Banks, ‘L Word: Generation Q’ Boss (Exclusive)
–– But only with other girls.

Willie Nelson talks out-smoking Snoop Dogg in Amsterdam, lighting up on the White House roof and still touring at 90: 'I can't do anything unless I overdo it'
–– Well, Doobie doobie doo.

Opinion | Harry in London, Meghan in California: The ugly coronation compromise
–– So with Charles, Camilla they’re calling it ‘ugly coronation’?

Prince Harry Had a Heart-to-Heart with King Charles Before Agreeing to Attend the Coronation
–– Ultimately agreeing neither had one.

Meghan Markle Wants Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet to Have a Relationship with King Charles
–– Hoping he hires them as palace staff when of age.

King Charles makes ‘peace offering’ to Meghan — in coronation souvenir program
–– Free ad for Suits box set.

Jackie Robinson was a Republican until the GOP became the 'white man’s party'
–– Joined Dem bums.

Eagles’ Jalen Hurts Inks $255M Deal, Becomes Highest-Paid NFL Player Ever
–– Hurts’ so good?

How Fast Is Eliud Kipchoge? You’ll Fall Down When You Find Out.
–– Whoosh of wake will knock you over?

Boston Marathon Highlights: Evans Chebet Repeats as Champion; Hellen Obiri Wins Boston Debut
–– And Eliud Kipchoge? You’ll fall down when you find out he finished 6th.

Mets Ace Gets 10-Game Ban for Sticky Substance on Hand
–– Five fingers discounted.

BuzzFeed News, a digital media pioneer, to shut down
–– Buzzfusters.

Uncrewed Starship explodes on first launch attempt
–– Not unscrewed.

WGA Approves Strike Authorization With 97.9% Voting Yes
–– In Act 2 cliff-hanger.

Want to Make a Change? Conjure Your ‘Possible Selves.’
–– Shrooms not included.

Hollywood Plastic Surgeons Confront the Rise of Ozempic Body
–– Which has trouble getting up out of bed.

McDonald’s is upgrading its burgers
–– While downgrading staff with squirrels on grills, racoons on fryers.

Cage-free or free range? What labels on egg cartons really mean.
–– Is it just marketers’ shell game?

How Dairy Farmers Are Turning Manure Into Money
–– You wouldn’t want to be working those presses.

Yale University hosts anti-Semitic speaker on second night of Passover as part of diversity and inclusion program: Blames Jews for their near-extermination by Nazis - and says white people are 'gangsters'
–– Seder-masochistic.

What Does Your iPhone Color Say About You? Red Is for Attention-Seekers and 5 More Insights from a Color Theorist
–– Something tells us we could be color theorist.

Patients were told their voices could disappear. They turned to AI to save them.
–– What chatbot wrote this PSA?

The leak that ruined Ben Franklin’s reputation and spurred the Tea Party
–– In 2009!

Teacher who said 'good afternoon girls' forced to apologise in gender clash with pupils
–– They persisted.

‘Kids Can’t Read’: The Revolt That Is Taking On the Education Establishment
–– Teachers can’t teach.

ADHD medication abuse in schools is a ‘wake-up call’
–– Adderall will keep you up.

Opinion What the death of a literary magazine says about our cultural decay
–– Even cultural decay has fungus.

The Whitney Is the Latest Museum to Utter the D-Word 
–– Dewhitemaling?

’He Was the Worst Leader I've Ever Had': Suspended Brigade Commander Accused of Toxic Leadership
–– Because nurturing is first quality you want in leader of band of killers.

Shaq is finally served in FTX investor suit after months of hiding, lawyers say
–– At 7’ 1”, 324 lbs, must’ve been big rock.

Swimming pools vs. wild swimming – a germs expert on which is worse
–– Most swimming pools don't have piranha.

'Race to the Bottom' West Coast Legal Pot Is Struggling
–– Harshed reality.

Cocaine worth nearly $440 million found floating in the sea off Italy
–– Amongst totally electric eels.

Couple reportedly beheaded themselves in sacrifice with homemade guillotine
–– In kinkiest twist on giving head.

Activists, police chief respond to shooting of Black teen who pushed the wrong doorbell
–– Had familiar ring to it.

Man who shot Kaylin Gillis grew increasingly bitter about trespassers, neighbor says
–– Well, so long as he had his reasons…

Cult member who followed Chad Daybell said he made her feel 'special' and called her 'Goddess of the Earth'
–– Who needed four more bodies in her soil.

Son ordered multiple failed hits on his mafia-linked father. He eventually had him gunned down as he waited for McDonald's coffee.
–– We’re lovin’ it.

‘Mannequin’ on fire in field was actually a burning human body, Florida cops say
–– As any dummy could see.

The Florida sheriff vs. the neo-Nazi ‘scumbags’
–– Now, now, show some respect for fascist goons.

TSA: Excuse us, but you can’t fly with your shillelagh in your carry-on
–– Isn't it designed to be placed over head?

“This is not God’s waiting room”: inside America’s liveliest senior community
–– Satan’s on other side of door.

Bud Light chief says he ‘never intended’ boycott over trans star Dylan Mulvaney
–– Pretty weird if he had.

Donald Trump Jr. calls for an end to the conservative-led boycott of Bud Light and 'iconic' Anheuser-Busch over a partnership with trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney
–– Is missing coke-chaser of choice.

McDonald’s fries’ shocking ‘secret’ revealed: Why they ‘taste so good’
–– McDonald’s fries is people!

Private Dinner Party: Clothing Not Allowed
–– Ironic menu’s vegan with all that meat on display.

Why Do Some People Develop Allergies in Adulthood?
–– Note from Time Saving Dept: No one knows, can’t be prevented.

Old ships are getting second lives as fish housing
–– In reel estate news.

Alligator Bites Off Man's Leg at Florida RV Park and Is Later Spotted With Foot in Its Mouth
–– It’s own when it misspoke!

Children’s cat-killing competition in New Zealand scrapped after backlash
–– Scratched?

The Fight Over a Drug That Is Great for Horses but Horrific for Humans
–– Both vet and patient look like they got pretty excited.

You’re probably recycling wrong. This quiz will help you sort it out.
–– You pathetic carbon-wasting monster.

Pentagon Sounds Alarm Over Biden Plan for Offshore Wind Sites
–– Afraid they’ll have to protect waters off Delaware from Russkie invasion?

Ex-cop, a former prison cellmate of Jeffrey Epstein, convicted for murdering 4 men
–– Should follow Epstein's example.

Opinion | What a tiger at the National Zoo can tell us about the future of wild sex
–– If we can get near enough.

Edward Koren, 87, Whose Cartoon Creatures Poked Fun at People, Dies
–– Not from rumored hairball.

Richard Riordan, Former Mayor of Los Angeles, Dies at 92
–– Steps down.

Dame Edna creator Barry Humphries dies
–– Dame Edna over edge.