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Flouting Thomas
Week of 04/14/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Billionaire GOP donor Harlan Crow sits in a stately room with Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas sitting on his lap like a dummy as Crow asks, 'Wanna hear the little feller say 'Guilty'?Clarence Thomas’ Billionaire Buddy Has a Vast Collection of Hitler Paintings, Nazi Memorabilia
–– Can’t be racist, has Black friend.

New York City appoints its first-ever ‘rat czar’
–– But that’s how we referred to Rudy.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez calls Justice Clarence Thomas’ trips a ‘very serious problem’ that warrants impeachment
–– GOP: 'Yacht-a, yacht-a, yacht-a.'

Billionaire Harlan Crow Bought Property From Clarence Thomas. The Justice Didn’t Disclose the Deal.
–– Sale co-signed by relative Jim.

FBI arrests 21-year-old Air Force guardsman in Pentagon leak case
–– Gets 21-glum salute.

Jack Teixeira, the alleged top secret documents leaker, searched his government computer for 'leak' to see if investigators were onto him: prosecutors
–– Only found pee tapes on pornhub.

The Far Right Is Hailing Pentagon Leaker Jack Teixeira as a National Hero
–– Traitor jokes.

Trump attorney says Manhattan is an 'unfair venue' for the former president, calling it 'pro-Joe Biden.' Yet, that's where he built his empire.
–– Unlike Moscow hotel room, can't find jury of pee-ers?

Trump due back in NY for questioning in AG's fraud lawsuit
–– Rat czar to monitor activity.

Trump attorney laces into Manhattan DA, calls the indictment a 'rancid ham sandwich' and says the former president's legal team is 'confident' in the long run
–– ‘Rancid ham’ best description of client we’ve heard.

Rep. Andy Biggs wants to block Manhattan prosecution of Donald Trump
–– Biggs little lies.

Trump's fingers were so dry during his arraignment he needed lotion before he could be fingerprinted, according to a new report from Yahoo News
–– Authorities assumed he'd pulled Dillinger to remove them.

Trump’s camp is trying to force Ron DeSantis to resign and formally declare a 2024 run, accusing the governor of 'taxpayer-funded globetrotting'
–– Their concern for taxpayers touching.

DeSantis signs Florida bill banning abortion after six weeks of pregnancy
–– Reasoned fetus must be viable after ’what, 72 days?’

Missouri lawmaker suggests 12-year-olds should be able to get married
–– To him!

An indicted Trump once again posted a bizarre Truth Social holiday greeting, this time wishing a happy Easter to 'MARXISTS, & COMMUNISTS WHO ARE KILLING OUR NATION'
–– Labels egg-sharing Bunny ‘socialist.’

Fox News sanctioned for withholding evidence in Dominion defamation case
–– Submissive punished by Dom.

Judge Says Fox News Can’t Argue Spreading the 'Big Lie' Was Newsworthy
–– Turns out lying about it is very.

Former Green Beret, Jan. 6 Rioter and GOP Candidate Sent to Prison for Stockpile of Ammo, Guns and Grenades
–– He kept in powder room.

Jan. 6 defendant who crushed an officer with a shield is sentenced to over 7 years in prison
–– In squash court.

‘Stunned’ House Republicans Blast McCarthy following NYT Leak
–– To be fair, they’re in constant state of stunment.

GOP 2024 hopefuls attend NRA convention following mass shootings in Kentucky and Tennessee
–– Vow, ‘You ain’t seen nothing yet.’

Five Knox County Republicans voted to expel legislators. One could pay the political cost.
–– In school of hard Knox?

GOP-controlled Arizona House votes to expel Republican representative
–– For, incredibly, justifiable cause.

Unsealed documents from the Daniel Perry case show he made comments on social media about killing protesters and Muslims, Houston Chronicle reports
–– Abbott, “And your point is?”

Chicago Will Host 2024 Democratic Convention as Party Returns to Midwest
–– Kevlar vests in attendees' goodie bags.

Sen. Blumenthal fractures femur at parade for U-Conn. basketball team
–– Aides had warned him about cheerleading.

Gunman Kills 5 Co-Workers at Louisville Bank on Livestream, Police Say
–– You think they’re kidding?

Kentucky gov. on Louisville shooting: 'I have a very close friend that didn't make it today'
–– Kentucky legislature: ’We want to thank victims for their service in protecting a lunatic’s right to bear arms.’

George Santos claims without evidence that Democrats are 'trying to ban toilet paper'
–– Understandable fear in someone so full of shit.

Leaked intelligence document shows that Egypt, a longtime US ally, secretly planned to provide Russia with 40,000 rockets and gunpowder: report
–– And couple of Plagues.

China agreed to secretly arm Russia, leaked Pentagon documents reveal
–– Promised several crates of fireworks, nunchucks.

Donald Trump called Chinese leader Xi Jinping a 'brilliant man' and said there is no one in Hollywood with the good looks or brains to play him in a movie
–– Not even an animated film?

A little-known drug brought billions to Syria’s coffers. Now it’s a bargaining chip
–– Judging by Assad, it most be hallucinogen.

He’s a Brutal Dictator, and One of the West’s Best Friends
–– Ever Rwanda why?

French court approves Macron’s unpopular plan to raise pension age
–– Not retiring sorts.

The Barbie Trailer Is All Over The Internet, But People Are Coming Down On Ryan Gosling About His Age As Ken
–– Who’s 62!

Heather Graham said 'Boogie Nights' nude scene was 'terrifying' but that 'beggars can't be choosers'
–– Looks like she rolled with plunges.

‘Super Mario Bros. Movie’ Box Office: All the Records Smashed on Opening Weekend
–– That’s-a depressing.

James Bond Requires Older Actor with ‘Gravitas’: Young Stars Lack the ‘Mental Capacity,’ Says 007 Casting Director
–– They could’ve gotten Pete Davidson to star in last one.

Jeremy Renner: “The Easiest Way to Quit Smoking” is to Get Crushed by a Snow Plow
–– No breathing, no smoking.

Matthew McConaughey opens up about aging paradox: 'How do you do it gracefully but how do you deny it?'
–– Paradox not synonym for cluelessness.

Quentin Tarantino Calls ‘Death Proof’ Bombing a ‘Shock to My Confidence,’ Says His Films Lack Sex Because It ‘Hasn’t Been Necessary’
–– Maybe that’s why we’re nodding off, thought it was endless monologues.

Hailey Bieber Launches YouTube Cooking Show
–– You’ll launch lunch.

Halle Berry fires back at 'ageist' comment after sharing sultry photo
–– No ‘exhibitionist’ comments?

Nick Cannon Accidentally Leaves Out Daughter When Asked to List All 12 of His Kid’s Names
–– Let’s give him benefit of doubt –– probably just hates her.

Nick Cannon, who's fathered 12 kids with 6 women, says he's 'all in' if Taylor Swift wants to have a baby with him
–– Lucky girl.

Dalai Lama apologizes after video asking child to ‘suck’ his tongue sparks outcry
–– Sounds like scene from Dalai Does Delhi.

Miles Teller Calls Out Tom Cruise’s Top Gun: Maverick Oscars Snub: ‘We Don’t Realize How Much Work And Effort Goes Into That’
–– Boyish grin at 60 ‘exhausting.’

Indiana Jones And The Dial Of Destiny's Director Explains The 'Complex' Process Of Getting John Williams To Score The Film
–– Began with getting 91-year-old out of chair.

The Mandalorian fans are heartbroken over [SPOILER]
–– That guy, y’know, the one in the helmet.

‘Martha Stewart welcomes Pete Davidson and Chase Sui Wonders over Easter weekend
–– One Wonders who gives f**k?

Michelle Yeoh Brings Oscar Home to Mother: Without My Parents, “I Wouldn't Be Here”
–– Shares profound insight.

The Self-Proclaimed Genius of Lil Dicky
–– More than lil icky.

Seacrest Out: Host Says Farewell to ‘Live With Kelly and Ryan’
–– Will seek rest.

Sarah Ferguson breaks silence on King Charles coronation snub
–– Belches loudly.

’Jon Went To The Bathroom Seven Times And We Were Still Waiting' - Koepka Slams Pace Of Play
–– He sunk putz.

The Tampa Bay Rays Can’t Lose
–– This week in 'premature headlines.'

Concussions left her on the ‘edge of insanity.’ Now, this Olympic wrestler is back and has titles in her sights
–– Because it’s sane to invite more head trauma.

Aaron Rodgers Appears To Throw His Support Behind Anti-Vaxxer Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
–– To give campaign shot in arm.

Elon Musk says he’s cut about 80% of Twitter’s staff
–– And completely maintained awfulness.

The man who unleashed AI on an unsuspecting Silicon Valley
–– Bot why?

Biden wants to coax Americans into electric cars. These 3 groups have other ideas.
–– 2. People told not to take candy from old men in cars.

American offices are half-empty. That could be the next big risk for banks
–– Is that whole story?

Elizabeth Holmes' purchase of a one-way flight to Mexico was a 'bold move,' judge says in ruling that denied her request to remain free on bail
–– Lam excuses.

Jascha Heifetz in the Case of the Violinist and the Fanatical Doorman
–– Was His Last Bow?

Whole Foods in Downtown San Francisco Closes Due to Spiraling Crime
–– And not just highway robbery in produce aisle.

Hawkish tech critics have labeled San Francisco 'lawless' following the stabbing death of Cash App creator Bob Lee. The city's crime rate tells a different tale.
–– Hawkish tech critics manage downtown Whole Foods?

Arrest made in SF killing of Bob Lee — tech exec’s alleged killer also worked in tech
–– Now that's hawkish tech critic.

Why Walmart is closing half its stores in Chicago
–– Hint's in ‘Chicago.’

Popular handgun fires without anyone pulling the trigger, victims say
–– NRA sues to have firearms classified as people.

David’s Bridal laying off over 9,000 workers
–– In veiled threat.

Yes, People Will Pay $27,500 for an Old ‘Rocky’ Tape. Here’s Why
–– Been hit in head too often.

Spanish Woman, 50, Emerges from Cave After 500 Days Alone Underground: 'I Didn't Want to Come Out'
–– Relatives: ‘Ditto.’

Don’t say ‘How are you?’ Ask these 8 questions instead, says expert: ‘You’ll get a genuine response’
–– But we don’t really care.

Opinion How I escaped the tyranny of the prophets of beauty
–– Gee, must’ve been tough for you.

It’s Time to Address the Emily in the Room
–– Who’s reporter brave enough to tackle hot button issue? Oh, Emilia.

Food prices ease for the first time since 2020. Here’s what’s getting cheaper
–– Life.

There’s So Much to Love About Tofu
–– Need to tempeh remarks.

A Cheesy, Crunchy Baked Tofu to Make Right Now
–– If you have absolutely nothing tasty in house.

Burger King is selling more Whoppers than ever before in early days of its U.S. turnaround
–– And telling more in claiming that.

A-B addresses controversy over Bud Light partnership with transgender influencer
–– Didn't realize customers both taste and transphobic.

The unspoken liquor rule to remember at parties and potlucks
–– Before you black out.

Why is Turbot Suddenly Everywhere?
–– Expansion’s turbot-charged.

Mountain rescuers called to save hikers on magic mushrooms
–– Super Mario Bros.!

‘I was up to my waist down a hippo’s throat.’ He survived, and here’s his advice
–– Alway ask, ‘Spit or swallow?’

A zookeeper and new mom taught this orangutan how to nurse by breastfeeding her own baby: 'A very proud moment for me'
–– Turns out tot likes ape milk.

Meet pocket-sized Pearl, the world’s shortest dog
–– No, I'm not 'happy to see you', it's my dog Pearl.

A Red Cross Snoopy T-shirt is going viral. It’s prompting more young people to donate blood
–– So banks aren't red barren.

A plant-based diet full of leaves may have helped apes stand upright
–– To help them reach salad bar.

Why you keep having the same dream
–– You’re dull, baby.

1,500-year-old Byzantine women's sandals unearthed
–– Available on Etsy.

Prehistoric Europeans Used Highly Unpleasant Drugs
–– Worse than ultra-skanky weed they smoke today?

Fort Lauderdale saw 2 feet of rain in a day. How on Earth is that even possible?
–– That you did no research?

Florida mops up after floods close Fort Lauderdale airport
–– Trump sends paper towels from Mar-a-Lago.

Tiny nibbling creatures are making Lake Tahoe clearer than it’s been in decades
–– Chewing on fingers, tahoes.

40 Years Ago, the CIA Tried to Decode Consciousness and Unlock Time Travel
–– Coincedentally same time they were experimenting with LSD.

Why do some people get UTIs over and over? A new report holds clues
–– Piddle me this.

Biden ends COVID national emergency after Congress acts
–– Was shock of Congress acting.

Research with exotic viruses risks a deadly outbreak, scientists warn
–– You mean ‘again’, right?

China’s struggles with lab safety carry danger of another pandemic
–– That’s better.

Americans Are Dying Younger––But Where You Live Makes a Big Difference
–– Japan, for example.

Leon Levine, Family Dollar founder, dies at 85
–– Buck’s trend.

Michael Lerner, Actor in ‘Barton Fink,’ ‘Harlem Nights’ and ‘Eight Men Out,’ Dies at 81
–– Lerner and low.

Mary Quant, miniskirt designer who swung the 60s, dies at 93
–– Comes up short.

Al Jaffee, Trailblazing ‘Mad’ Magazine Cartoonist, Dies at 102
–– Folds.