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Debt Beat Dud
Week of 05/26/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of the painting Ajax and Cassandra by Johann Heinrich Wilhelm Tischbein, 1806 retitled A Joe and Cassandra depicting President Joe Biden as Ajax dragging Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen after ignoring her warnings about the Debt Ceiling.Yellen’s Debt Limit Warnings Went Unheeded, Leaving Her to Face Fallout
–– Ignored Yellen and screamin'.

Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez are engaged
–– In epic icky PDA.

Despite High-Level Guarantees, Time Is Running Out to Avoid a Default
–– Crock is ticking.

Biden and McCarthy to Meet in Hopes of Reviving Debt Talks
–– Who’s got defibrillators?

Yellen Warns of Missed Payments if Debt Limit Is Not Lifted
–– To her shrink.

These are some of the people who'll be impacted if the U.S. defaults on its debts
–– Anyone we forgot to mention in three months' constant coverage?

Opinion | Here is how to think about Biden’s age
–– Imagine in dog years.

Trade once hurt Detroit. Biden is promising it will be different this time.
–– Not like Billups for Iverson?

Tim Scott Begins Presidential Campaign, Adding to List of Trump Challengers
–– Gets off Scott flea.

Trump workers moved Mar-a-Lago boxes a day before FBI came for documents
–– Thought they contained back issues of Juggs magazine.

E. Jean Carroll Seeks New Damages From Trump for Comments on CNN
–– Trump: ’Maybe she is my type!’

Trump defames E Jean Carroll yet again after she sues him over CNN town hall insults
–– But isn’t love never having to say you’re sorry?

Former White House lawyer Ty Cobb predicts Trump will go jail
–– Promises grand slammer.

Ghost of William Jennings Bryan haunts Trump's next run for the White House
–– Can he drive Golden Cross through heart?

DeSantis is Trump without the 'baggage', says analyst
–– In latest slang for nutsack.

Failure to launch: Twitter glitches deal double blow to Elon Musk and Ron DeSantis
–– Tweet from the gaffe.

Donald Trump Jr. mixed up his words and insulted his dad instead of Ron DeSantis: 'Trump has the charisma of a mortician'
–– Which Jr. will need if he doesn’t lay off coke.

Oath Keepers Founder Sentenced For Seditious Conspiracy Over Jan. 6 Capitol Riot
–– Oath to be kept in cooler.

Hillary Clinton Says Dianne Feinstein Should Not Resign
–– She’s meat puppet, but she’s our meat puppet.

E.U. slaps Meta with record $1.3 billion fine for data privacy violations
–– Meta muscle.

Texas pushes church into state with bills on school chaplains, Ten Commandments
–– Bible and State Constitution abbott one another.

Zelensky makes dramatic G-7 visit as Biden mobilizes allies over China
–– Yellow & blue cape with giant Z considered too flashy by some.

Russia warns West of ‘enormous risks’ if Ukraine is supplied with F-16 jets
–– To Moscow.

Wagner Boss Warns A Revolution Is Coming – And Kremlin Could 'F***ing Lose Russia'
–– 'And hard rain, she is going to f***ing fall!'

Russia’s 'invincible' hypersonic missiles prove anything but, as Ukraine utilizes U.S. Patriot defenses
–– Hype is chronic.

Russian Deputy Minister Dies Suddenly After Slamming ‘Fascist Invasion’ of Ukraine
–– Diss-missed.

Anti-Putin Russians say they launched a cross-border attack from Ukraine. Here’s what we know
–– Reread first sentence.

'They've gone mad', Putin says of Georgia anti-Kremlin protesters
–– You first.

Why Bakhmut? It’s a Question as Old as War.
–– Yeah, they were asking same thing at Thermopylae in 480 BC.

How ‘Decoupling’ From China Became ‘De-risking’
–– Need guidance from Gwyneth Paltrow.

Vietnam jails noodle vendor who mocked minister’s lavish dining
–– Friend or phở?

Lauren Sanchez previously revealed hardest part about being in a relationship with Jeff Bezos
–– Accepting his package after hours.

Warner Bros Discovery Boss David Zaslav Draws Jeers And Chants Of “Pay Your Writers!” During Boston University Commencement Address
–– Real Zaslavfest.

Matt Damon Calls Off ‘Oppenheimer’ vs. ‘Barbie’ Social Media Rivalry: ‘People Are Allowed to Go See Two Movies in a Weekend’
–– So suggest couple of decent ones.

Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore Sex Scandal Drama ‘May December’ Heats Up Cannes With 6-Minute Standing Ovation
–– We’re glad responsible reporters bring stopwatch…

Todd Haynes’ ‘May December’ Gets Eight-Minute Standing Ovation At Cannes Premiere
–– …Hold on a second!

Rita Wilson insists Tom Hanks did not scold employee on Cannes Film Festival red carpet
-–– Journos dog the wag.

Catherine Zeta-Jones, 53, displays sculpted legs in striking mini dress for Cannes outing
–– Not hers.

Age-defying Andie MacDowell, 65, turns heads as she steps out in Cannes
–– Flips Grim Reaper bird.

Scarlett Johansson puts an elegant twist on the exposed underwear trend
–– Exposed knickers in twist?

Christie Brinkley's model daughter Sailor sets pulses racing in tiny string bikini
–– Swabbies stand at attention.

Charlize Theron has legs for miles as she poses in just a T-shirt
–– She has to shave with power mower.

Janelle Monáe feels 'much happier' when completely naked
–– Show me the Monáe.

Chrissy Teigen Shares Candid Photo of Herself Nursing 4-Month-Old Baby Daughter Esti
–– Mammary dearest.

Khloé Kardashian Confirms Her Son’s Name and Says It’s “Not Easy” to Connect With Him
–– Baby has unlisted cell number.

’Anita’ Review: Dazzling Anita Pallenberg, Paramour Of Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards, Mick Jagger & Brian Jones, Emerges In Her Own Right — Cannes
–– Because only reason you’ve ever heard of her somehow kept her from being more famous.

“If You Don’t Change the Movie, You Won’t Direct ‘Wayne’s World 2′”: How Mike Myers and Lorne Michaels Faced Off With Director Penelope Spheeris
–– Beyond Spheeris of influence.

Grimes Invited Anyone to Make A.I. Grimes Songs. Here Are Her Reviews.
–– Grimes against humanity.

Jeremy Strong’s ‘Succession’ Method Acting Was So Intense That He’d Practice Asking Strangers Where the Bathroom Was
–– So he could go snort blow he scored as Kendall.

Florence Pugh claims people in 'indie film world' were annoyed when she joined Marvel movie
–– Until she explained her name when repeated could be laser gun sound effect.

Penny Lancaster has the best reaction as husband Rod Stewart makes surprise announcement
–– Wipes spittle from his chin.

Queen Charlotte’ Star Arséma Thomas on Taking up Space as Lady Danbury and as a Black Queer Actress
–– Did she learn ‘taking up space’ at drama school?

40 years after 'Return of the Jedi,' how Carrie Fisher's Princess Leia in a gold bikini became one of pop culture's most enduring images
–– If that’s your cup of T.

Fetty Wap Is Sentenced to 6 Years in Prison for Running Drugs
–– Wet ass pusher.

Japanese Kabuki Star Ichikawa Ennosuke Hospitalized, Both Parents Dead
–– Examiners report them all ‘looking very pale.’

D-Day movie starring Michael Caine, 90, filmed entirely in England because of older cast
–– Dodder Day.

Opinion | Why Denise, Heaven’s Receptionist, is the best thing on TikTok
–– And, by extension, why TikTok is shit.

Every Woman Nick Cannon Has Welcomed Kids With — And What They’ve Said About Their Blended Family
–– They waved to tots in maternity ward?

Prince Harry's rep rejects 'abhorrent' claim suggesting car chase was 'PR stunt'
–– Stunt dumble.

King Charles Reportedly Strikes Deal With Queen’s Dresser to Keep Quiet
–– Gets her to zip it.

Katherine, Princess of Wales makes surprise appearance at Chelsea Flower Show
–– As shrinking violet.

Boris Johnson and wife Carrie confirm they're expecting third child with touching announcement – and it's arriving soon!
–– He brags every time he lays hand on her?

Brittney Griner embraces Vice President Kamala Harris as basketball star marks return to WNBA
–– Brittney grinder.

Charles Barkley, JJ Redick have indirect clash of opinions on Ja Morant's gun incident
–– Ja moront.

M.L.B.’s New Rules Have Baseball in Overdrive
–– It's like cocaine 80s.

ESPN's Tom Hart has all-time flub: ‘We can’t turn the black c–k black’
–– Was he calling RuPaul’s Drag Race?

Embattled LaLiga president repeats racist slur in press conference when discussing racist abuse of Real Madrid star Vinícius Jr.
–– Takes header.

Andy Warhol Ruling Limits Fair Use for Copyrighted Images, With Far-Reaching Hollywood Implications
–– When making Prince.

Opinion | What watching my daughter play ‘The Legend of Zelda’ taught me
–– I'd utterly failed in raising literate human.

Opinion | My neighbor lived to be 109. This is what I learned from him.
–– It's not good look.

I Want to Disown My Demonic Daughter
–– We’re interested what MTG’s mom has to say.

Missouri nun's body seems intact 4 years after she was buried. Pilgrims are flocking to her remains and calling it a 'miracle.'
–– Then dying mysteriously of blood loss with bite marks in neck.

Workers want a four-day week. Why hasn’t it happened?
–– Short-handed crew hasn’t had time to pull together.

College is remade as tech majors surge and humanities dwindle
–– Like humanity.

Inside the Life of Influencer Barber
–– Slow-mo clips.

This enslaved man would become famous for a portrait — and his own art
–– This week in ‘European Geniuses Ain’t So Great.’

More than 450 Catholic clergymen abused nearly 2,000 children in Illinois, state report says
–– Which sounds like some sort of despicable record.

Man Is Charged With Shoving Woman’s Head Against Moving Subway Train
–– The Eek Train?

Alleged fraudster whose severed foot was found on a beach is dead, Australian coroner finds
–– Took steps to identify.

Social Media Can Be a ‘Profound Risk’ to Youth, Surgeon General Warns
–– On social media.

Starbucks is shifting to ‘nugget ice.’ Why are Americans so obsessed?
–– Stone cold stupidity.

The QR-Code Menu Is Being Shown the Door
–– S-canned.

Louis Vuitton’s Newest California-Inspired Scent, Pacific Chill, Was Born at the Polo Lounge
–– In an overly-air-conditioned mens room.

We've Loved L.L. Bean Sheets for 9 Years. Here's Why.
–– We’re really, really lonely.

How to Avoid Nasty Pool Germs This Summer
–– Um, keep out of pools?

Can You Give Yourself an At-Home Face-Lift?
–– No, next stupid question.

Bank holiday chaos as British Airways cancels more than 150 flights
–– No joke, just warning: never fly British Airlines.

My Husband Flies First Class and Puts Me in Coach. Is That Fair?
–– First show us your photo.

‘Never a Reason to Take Off Your Socks’: A Flight Attendant’s 12 Etiquette Rules
–– 11) If you do, don't offer to neighbor as sleep mask.

You Can Become A Morning Person Thanks To This Swedish Lifestyle Practice
–– Happy Beginning Massage.

A Movement to Make Workplaces ‘Menopause Friendly’
–– Hot news flash.

When TV Becomes a Window Into Women’s Rage
–– On the rage?

How to Move Your Home Office Outside—And Make the Most of It
–– Open window, shove desk out.

The German couple who moved to Italy and opened a pizza restaurant
–– Hah, they probably put sauerkraut on it. What, they do?!

Scientists Find Brain Signals of Chronic Pain
–– Credit electric probes jabbed into skull.

Lab-grown babies could be a reality as soon as 2028, scientist claims
–– Food source by 2032.

Archaeologists discover a lost world of 417 ancient Mayans cities buried in remote jungle, connected by miles of 'superhighways,' WaPo reports
–– And remnants of 50-cart pileup.

2,700-Year-Old Saddle Found In Ancient Chinese Tomb Is Oldest Ever Discovered
–– Fitted for dragon.

Ancient toilets unearthed in Jerusalem reveal a debilitating and sometimes fatal disease
–– Cooties.

The Fight Over Animal Names Has Reached a New Extreme
–– In this writer’s mind.

’We have offended a nation’: Miami zoo’s treatment of kiwi bird enrages New Zealand
–– Kiwi culpa.

1,200-pound great white shark is swimming off the coast of South Carolina
–– You got a problem with that?

Orcas are ramming yachts off the Spanish coast – is the whale world rising up?
–– Who’s asking: Roland Emmerich?

Octopuses May Have Vivid Nightmares, Video Suggests
–– Definitely cause them.

Supreme Court dramatically shrinks Clean Water Act’s reach
–– Like wool sweater in dryer.

A Breakthrough Deal to Keep the Colorado River From Going Dry, for Now
–– Don’t bank on it.

Climate activists dump charcoal in Rome’s Trevi Fountain
–– Smudging line between idealism / idiocy.

New York City is sinking under its own weight, study finds
–– Of self-importance.

Jim Brown was a confounding knot of athleticism, activism and violence
–– This week in ‘Speaking IIl of Dead.’

Ray Stevenson, Actor in the Thor Movies and ‘RRR,’ Dies at 58 
–– Volstaggered.

Kenneth Anger, Experimental Filmmaker and ‘Hollywood Babylon’ Author, Dies at 96
–– Look back at Anger.

Renowned British novelist Martin Amis dies aged 73
— Martin amiss.

Tina Turner, Singer of Explosive Power, Is Dead at 83
–– Turner over.

Inside the $76 Million Switzerland Home Where Tina Turner Spent Her Peaceful Final Years with Erwin Bach
–– Maybe at $80 mil she’d still be alive.

John Fogerty’s advice from Dylan: ‘Sing Proud Mary or the world will think it’s a Tina Turner song’
–– Not unless you Google Proud Mary.