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Debt's All, Folks!
Week of 06/02/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Photo-illustration of a grinning President Joe Biden holding an over-sized IOU marker for $31.5 tril like it was a lottery check beneath a Mega Trillions logo. At the bottom right is a caption that reads 'The Week's Winner: Joe from Washington. D.C.!'
Joe Biden Won the Debt Ceiling Negotiation but Lost the War
–– His command to government in arrears, "Charge!"

Opinion: I hated ‘The Little Mermaid’
–– She thinks you’re a twat.

Senate passes debt ceiling bill, sending it to Biden to sign into law
–– Our long national nightmare of apocalyptic headlines over.

Inside a debt ceiling standoff ‘far more dangerous than people will recognize’
–– Really, that explains all our hysterical coverage. Honest!

I could not, in good conscience, vote for the debt ceiling bill
–– As long as you feel good about yourself, Bernie.

Woman who accused Biden of sexually assaulting her in 1993 defects to Russia
–– Further buttressing credibility.

FBI director Chris Wray to face contempt of Congress vote, Comer says
–– Who doesn’t have contempt for this Congress?

Georgia probe of Trump broadens to activities in other states
–– Any activity of his probably illegal.

Donald Trump Marks Memorial Day With Unhinged, All-Caps Rant
–– Dunce caps.

Trump wishes happy Memorial Day to those fighting ‘misfits and lunatic thugs’ within the nation
–– How generous to salute his enemies.

DeSantis is attacking Trump directly now, accusing the former president of 'going left' on key issues and calling him 'a different guy' compared to 2016
–– Wow, talk about brutal.

Kimberly Guilfoyle threatens DeSantis: ‘You’re going to get hurt, and damaged – badly’
–– Says she’s putting on Rosa Klebb high heels.

Poll: No bump for DeSantis from 2024 launch as Trump continues to climb
–– Imagine what it takes to get his fat ass up poll.

Oath Keeper who guarded Roger Stone before Jan. 6 attack gets more than 4 years in prison
–– Will need to guard own stones.

Jan. 6 rioters are raking in thousands in donations. Now the US is coming after their haul
–– From website GoFunkMe.

How Fighting for Conservative Causes Has Helped Ken Paxton Survive Legal Woes
–– Should insulate him from impeach…

Texas GOP Attorney General Ken Paxton impeached by Republican-controlled Statehouse
–– …meant ‘not insulate him.’

Nikki Haley's husband to deploy to Africa for a year as she campaigns
–– Is what he’s telling her.

Pence, Christie to launch 2024 presidential bids next week
–– Note that in your Filofax.

'I don't want reality': Senator's gaffe draws laughs during hearing
–– Echoing sentiment of all Americans.

Lukashenko offers nuclear weapons to nations willing ‘to join the Union State of Russia and Belarus’
–– Along with Potato Sausage Sampler for summertime grilling.

Putin Critic Navalny's Jail Cell Mockup Tours Europe Seeking Support
–– Barring changes.

China’s military has become an untouchable nationalist symbol. Artists and comedians are finding out the hard way
–– You'd really expect Xi to have sense of humor.

Investors Have Soured on China’s Stocks, Renewing Fears About Economy
–– Great news if US didn’t owe them $855 bil.

As Erdogan’s rule enters 3rd decade, leaders line up to congratulate him
–– Turkey with all the rimmings.

Kim Jong-un gains weight again by ‘gorging on foreign snacks and alcohol’
–– Only exercise pushing test missile launch buttons.

Ugandan President Signs Anti-Gay Law That Includes Life in Prison as Penalty
–– In new initiative to make Al-Shabab look 'not that bad.'

Former Writers Guild Chief: Why Writers Rooms Matter, and Can Save Lives
–– They’re taught CPR?

Pope Francis meets Martin Scorsese after recovering from fever
–– Assumes grinning gnome is hallucination.

Martin Scorsese Meets Pope Francis, Announces Film About Jesus – Report
–– Forgot he already made it.

Al Pacino, 83, is set to become a father again
–– Who’s your Goddaddy?

Al Pacino's 29-year-old girlfriend: Who is Noor Alfallah?
–– We know she’s not squeamish.

“We Need to Stand Against This”: Iranian Designer Jila Saber on Her Political Cannes Dress
–– In fashion noose.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Former chef attacked actor's home
–– Brought tensions to boil.

The Flash’ Director Andy Muschietti on Ezra Miller’s Potential Future With Franchise: No One Else “Can Play That Character as Well”
–– Thieving, abusive, gender-neutral asshole?

Kate Beckinsale Reveals How Keanu Reeves Saved Her from Embarrassing Bodysuit Mishap in Cannes
–– Dodged bullet bra?

How Amber Ruffin’s Mission to Have Fun Helped “Destroy and Then Rebuild” ‘Some Like It Hot’ for Broadway
–– Minus ‘rebuild.’

Dana Carvey reveals why he wouldn't let Robin Williams appear in SNL Church Lady sketch
–– It was supposed to be amusing.

Sydney Sweeney says she had to 'fight' for her role in 'The White Lotus' after playing Cassie in 'Euphoria'
–– Really? They typically toss roles to B-actresses?

Heidi Klum Went Makeup Free While Sunbathing Topless on Instagram
–– No nipstick?

’Oppenheimer’ Earns R Rating, Imax Film Prints Are 11 Miles Long and Weigh 600 Pounds
–– Not worth the weight.

Bruce Springsteen falls on stage at Amsterdam concert, band rushes to help
–– While singing I’m Going Down?

Fans Are Concerned for Bruce Springsteen After He Fell at a Concert
–– Hears calls of ‘Bruise?’

Biden falls at US Air Force Academy graduation ceremony: 'I got sandbagged!’
–– Not, ‘I’m the Boss!’?

Yes, Nick Cannon has 11 kids. He also has a media empire
–– That should provide enormous emotional support for them.

Lisa Rinna says her dead mom came to her in a dream and told her to quit 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills'
–– They have basic cable in afterlife?

Leave It to Khloé Kardashian To Eat Up Pamela Anderson's Iconic, '90s G-String Updo
–– She wore edible undies?

Incredibly, Kendall Jenner Fuses Naked Dressing and an Audrey Hepburn Trademark
–– Wow, she’s simply amazing!

Raven-Symoné asked everyone she dated to sign an NDA
–– And take mental health exam.

How Sexist Is Hollywood? Check Out Geena Davis’s Spreadsheet
–– How sexist would joke about her ‘spreadsheet’ be?

Danny Masterson, ‘That ’70s Show’ actor, found guilty of rape
–– Bad Masterson.

I chose to be a comedian but does that mean I should face financial ruin?
–– Tell us joke before we answer.

Princess Charlotte’s Reported Stance on This Part of Royal Life Reminds Us So Much of Her Uncle Prince Harry
–– Both mentally 8 years old.

Michael Jordan was ‘horrible player’ and ‘horrible to play with,’ says former Chicago Bulls teammate Scottie Pippen
–– Playing coy.

Charles Barkley Reveals 62-Pound Weight Loss, Credits Mounjaro Shots and Workouts: ‘I’m Starting to Feel Like a Human Being’
–– For dinner?

Alex Rodriguez reveals he's been diagnosed with early-stage gum disease
–– Says he’s on bubble.

Have We Smothered Warhol With Our Admiration?
–– We definitely haven’t.

A woman who lives on a remote Canadian island with 15 other people says her grocery shop takes 8 hours, and twice a year she's stuck in isolation due to the weather
–– Jealous?

Everyone wants to be a digital nomad. Here’s how to do it ethically.
–– Even commercial realtors?

This airline is weighing passengers before they board international flights
–– Especially old bags.

Venice authorities discover why canal turned fluorescent green
–– Drunken leprechauns peeing off Rialto bridge.

Are the Hamptons Still Hip?
–– Asks reporter who graduated college four years ago.

Fixer-Uppers With Waterfront Views: The U.S. Is Unloading Lighthouses
–– Bringing home the beacon.

Why New York City’s Lifeguard Shortage Is Even Worse This Year
–– Laps in judgment.

647 people drown each day. Here’s how to avoid being one of them
–– Bet it has something to do with nearness to water.

How to Get Absolutely No Sun This Summer
–– Um, uh, stay inside?

Carnival Sunshine was battered by rough weather this weekend. ‘It was terrifying,’ passenger says
–– Captain stuck it where sun don't shine.

Man falls from cruise ship off Florida coast: 'Life of the party’
–– Quote from sharks.

Bud Light Stock Suffers Huge Tumble as Company Loses $4 Billion in One Week
–– Butt-hurt hurt Bud.

Chick-fil-A’s DEI Initiative Causes Right-Wingers to Completely Lose It
–– Left-wingers, breast men OK with it.

The Best Bundt Pan
–– Bundt for a hit?

The best and worst ways to pit an avocado
–– Of the many hundreds.

Taipei’s hottest new menu item is a 14-legged crustacean
–– Comes with 10-lb. lobster mallet.

Wine at Wegmans? Not in New York, if Liquor Stores Can Help It.
–– C’mon, it’s in a hip flask! We need it to slog through those long aisles.

The Most Common Eating Disorder in the U.S. Is Also the Least Understood
–– Article not binge worthy.

The last thing to do before throwing away celery leaves
–– Tickle genitals with them.

Scientists Discover Natural Anti-Ageing Mechanism in Humans
–– Called lying.

Put Your Shoes Back On. Here's the Problem With Going Barefoot
–– Which we'll explain after we stop gagging.

A catatonic woman awakened after 20 years. Her story may change psychiatry.
–– Or, y’know, not.

Man claiming he had "explosive device" drives truck to U.S.-Canada border
–– ‘Bomb on Board’ sticker on back window failed to amuse.

Police found an unknown body in a trunk on Halloween 53 years ago. Thanks to DNA testing, the ‘trunk lady’ now has a name
–– Hope chest.

Mexico police find 45 bags containing body parts ‘matching characteristics’ of missing call center staff
–– Sorry, wrong number.

Female California probation officer has oral sex with teen inmate; county jail rocked by scandal: DA
–– Blows joint.

Manson follower Leslie Van Houten should be paroled, California appeals court rules
–– Family outing?

Family Feud contestant who joked about marriage on show found guilty of murdering wife
–– Survey says: 'Convicted!'

Influencer dies after live-streaming himself drinking bottles of Chinese spirit Baijiu
–– Under the influencer.

A gynecologist accused of secretly being a ‘serial sperm donor’ died in an aircraft crash. A lawsuit against him is still pending
–– Shot wad.

49 people have been killed at Dollar General stores since 2014. Workers are protesting for safer conditions
–– New tagline: Where Life Is Cheap!

Alcohol and guns are everywhere in American society. Researchers say it's a deadly combo.
–– So does everyone else.

How Do I Get Rid of Skin Tags
–– Not it.

The C-Word Is Everywhere Right Now –– And Not in a Bad Way
–– Let us cøunt ways.

How red light can affect your sleep
–– Behind wheel?

The Ford Bronco is being recalled because people may get ‘discouraged’ trying to use the seatbelts
–– Manufacturer must install video with flight attendant explaining how to use.

Why an Octopus-like Creature Has Come to Symbolize the State of A.I.
–– Is that near AL or AK or AZ?

SpaceX mission carrying former NASA astronaut, three paying customers departs space station
–– Let’s see what kind of tips they leave upon reentry.

Boeing finds new problems with Starliner space capsule and delays first crewed launch
–– Blame crewed methods.

I Ventured Into An Underground Fight Club. I'm Still Conflicted About What Happened That Day.
–– They told me first rule was not to talk about it.

This Engineered Beach Is Good for Endangered Sharks and Tourists
–– Make that ‘endangered tourists.’

A raccoon was euthanized and tested for rabies after it was brought to a Maine pet store and customers kissed it
–– Must’ve been pretty sick customers.

Giant panda Ya Ya’s arrival at Beijing Zoo sparks fresh outpouring of online pride
–– Pride in wildlife indigenous to a region that happened to be absorbed into an artificial political construct is so well-earned.

Megalodon tooth necklace spotted in digital scan of Titanic wreck
–– Giant prehistoric shark sunk it?

Elephants once roamed Florida—and scientists just stumbled on a graveyard full of them
–– In State Capitol.

Egypt unearths mummification workshops
–– Where they wrapped project.

Typhoon Mawar Moves Near the Philippines
–– Finds charming island retreat.

No kidding: California overtime law threatens use of grazing goats to prevent wildfires
–– Who wrote this? Billy the kidder?

Climate Shocks Are Making Parts of America Uninsurable. It Just Got Worse.
–– Industry lobbyists make Congress unprotective.

More than 800m Amazon trees felled in six years to meet beef demand
–– Meateaters do need toothpicks.

Milt Larsen, Co-Founder of The Magic Castle in Hollywood, Dies at 92
–– Disappears in puff of smoke.

George Maharis, TV Heartthrob of ‘Route 66,’ Is Dead at 94
–– Pulled off.