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Smith Buster
Week of 06/09/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Nixon Historian Says New Donald Trump Indictment Boils Down To 1 Thing
–– Guil-ty!

Is the Bear Market Over? It Depends.
–– If it is.

Exclusive: Donald Trump admits on tape he didn’t declassify ‘secret information’
–– “Whatever ‘declassify’ means.”

Prosecutors Tell Trump’s Legal Team He Is a Target of Investigation
–– Add, ‘And the most miserable example of humanity we’ve ever seen.’

Donald Trump Indicted on Charges of Mishandling Classified Documents
–– Hanging them on rollers in Master Bathroom definite no-no.

Exclusive: Mar-a-Lago pool flood raises suspicions among prosecutors in Trump classified documents case
–– Donald john flood common ocurrence.

‘I Think He's Toast': Watergate Prosecutor Says Trump Case Is Now 'So Strong'
–– Avvocato toast?

Opinion | Why charges in the Trump documents case would be nothing to celebrate
–– Whereas conviction should spark national holiday.

Youngkin says parents 'know firsthand' what Trump's going through
–– Felonious ones.

Donald Trump's GOP rivals pounce after he congratulated Kim Jong Un: 'Not something to play with'
–– But little, fat loon is so cuddly!

House Is Paralyzed as Far-Right Rebels Continue Mutiny Against McCarthy
–– From neck up.

Rep. Maxwell Frost says ‘F*** Ron DeSantis’ at Paramore concert, sending Republicans into frenzy
–– Of sexual excitement?

‘Small, pathetic man’: California blames Florida’s Ron DeSantis for chartered migrants flight
–– Description of suspect spot-on.

Newsom threatens DeSantis with kidnapping charges after migrants dumped twice in four days
–– May add DeSantis Clause to law.

DeSantis recruiters eyed Catholic church for migrant flights that bishop calls ‘reprehensible’
–– Too many young boys leaving state.

Disney welcomes Gay Days in Florida as the feud with DeSantis rages on
–– To him they're May Days.

‘Vice’ Episode Pulled by Showtime Contained the Full Exchange of Ron DeSantis’ Explosive Guantanamo Bay Interview
–– Detain program.

Casey DeSantis Is the Walmart Melania
–– We’re not crazy about Walmart, but that’s low blow.

Former Vice President Pence files paperwork launching 2024 presidential bid in challenge to Trump
–– Puts Pence to paper.

Chris Christie just wants to ‘bludgeon’ Trump, Fox News’s Hannity complains
–– With his big boobies.

Source: Chris Christie will remain on Mets board of directors if he enters presidential race
–– Protecting ‘loser’ brand.

Cornel West announces 2024 run for president as People’s Party candidate
–– Cornel clink.

The ex-wrestler once thought to be Lauren Boebert's dad says his image has been 'tarnished considerably' from being linked to her
–– Can't pin down source.

Rep. George Santos says he'd rather forfeit his $500,000 bond and go to jail than out the people who guaranteed the money: court docs
–– How inspiring, a man of conscience!

CNN Exclusive: New Hampshire GOP Gov. Sununu says he will not run for president in 2024
–– ‘Sa no-no?

‘Bob’s Burgers’ Star Jay Johnston Charged by DOJ for Storming U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6
–– After grilling.

CNN CEO Chris Licht Tries to Soothe Restless Staff: ‘I Should Not Be in the News’
–– Business.

CNN Chairman and CEO Chris Licht is out after a brief and tumultuous tenure
–– Lichted.

Chuck Todd to Leave ‘Meet the Press’
–– To be replaced by another white, straight, middle-aged male. Not!

They said we were getting a recession. Instead, we’re getting a bull market
–– They are assholes –– whose predictions youb lindly report.

As Ukraine Launches Counteroffensive, Definitions of ‘Success’ Vary
–– Not of 'failure', sadly.

Collapse of major dam in southern Ukraine triggers emergency as Moscow and Kyiv blame each other
–– Someone's dam liar.

Collapse of Ukraine’s Nova Kakhovka dam an ‘ecological catastrophe’
–– Flood

Wagner boss Yevgeny Prigozhin, who spent months on the ground in Bakhmut, said the Kremlin's claims about inflicting heavy losses on Ukraine are 'wild and absurd science fiction'
–– War Stars: Revenge of the Shith.

Nazi Symbols on Ukraine’s Front Lines Highlight Thorny Issues of History
–– Horny issues of hate.

Shocks, Beatings, Mock Executions: Inside Kherson’s Detention Center
–– Sounds like SNL writers' room.

Vigilantes in Haiti strike back at gangsters with brutal street justice
–– Haiti’s gonna hate.

Former Marvel Studios Boss Says Board ‘Thought I Was Crazy’ for Casting ‘Addict’ Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man Over Timothy Olyphant
–– He distributed enough tranqs to calm them down.

‘Succession’ Creator Was ‘Terrified’ When Jeremy Strong Tried to Jump Into the River While Filming Last Scene: ‘That Was Not Our Plan’
–– Had Strong desire to let him go.

Box Office: ‘The Little Mermaid’ Gets Doused in China, South Korea After Racist Backlash
–– Asians demand whitewash?

“I’m Not Just Here to Smile”: Jenna Ortega, Elle Fanning and the THR Comedy Actress Roundtable
–– “Nor make you smile.”

The Hollywood Reporter’s Full, Uncensored TV Comedy Actor Roundtable With Jason Segel, John Mulaney, Mo Amer, Steven Yeun, and Tyler James Williams
–– You mean comedy discussion including just one guy whose ever been moderately amusing?

The 2023 Tony Awards were nearly canceled. Here’s how to watch the ceremony
–– Rapidly becoming Tiny Awards.

‘Doc McStuffins’ Creator: Do Streamers Even Understand Kids TV?
–– Does anyone understand ‘Doc McStuffins’?

Jennifer Lawrence Clarifies Cannes Flip-Flop Ensemble: “I Was Not Making a Political Statement”
–– Although politicians typically flip-flop.

Irina Shayk Matched Her Underwear to Her Lacy Versace Slip Dress
–– Wasn’t easy, but she figured out.

Alexandra Daddario Posed Buck Naked On IG, And Fans Are Went Bonkers
–– And will be.

Nelly Furtado’s Rare Photos Prove She’s Turning Up the Heat for Her Long-Awaited Comeback
–– Wha’? Nelly?!

Who Is Robert Redford's Wife? All About Sibylle Szaggars
–– Anything about his wife?

On ‘The Idol,’ Why Are the Weeknd’s Acting Skills Nonexistent?
–– Thank God it’s fry day.

Prince Harry Opens Up in Court on Claim That King Charles Is Not His Real Dad
–– Swears it’s not Arthur Weasley.

Prince Harry Says Thought of Piers Morgan Listening to Princess Diana’s Private Messages Makes Him “Physically Sick”
–– Like it makes us feel listening to his private feelings.

PGA Tour and LIV Golf Agree to Merger
–– Iron out details?

French Open controversy after doubles pair disqualified for hitting ball girl
–– Lob-sided defeat.

Can Apple Take the Metaverse Mainstream?
–– Sure, 'mainstream' with $3500 toy.

The Supreme Court Is Wrong About Andy Warhol
–– That was not his own hair.

Hannah Gadsby’s Disastrous ‘Pablo-matic’ Show at the Brooklyn Museum Has Some ‘Pablo-ms’ of Its Own
–– She’s total Gadsbag.

What led Capitol Police to stop a youth performance of the ‘Star-Spangled Banner’
–– Taste.

A Gay Riot at a Doughnut Shop? The Legend Has Some Holes.
–– And they’re glorious.

Bud Light sales keep slipping. But it remains America’s top-selling beer
–– Both sad commentaries on our times.

Their Crypto Company Collapsed. They Went to Bali.
–– Where beer costs $1.

Teenager accused of ‘sushi terrorism’ by restaurant
–– In raw deal.

Chef Sean Sherman Launches The First Indigenous Food Lab In Minneapolis
–– Sinks immediately in Lake Harriet.

Man cooks baby back ribs in hotel bathroom – and the internet can’t cope
–– Makes rub from coffee pod, artifical sweetener, lilac shampoo & conditioner.

Story of Pepper, the World’s Most Important and Underappreciated Spice
–– And nothing to sneeze at.

The Last Thing To Do Before Throwing Away Old Dinnerware
–– Crack some over hubby’s head.

Lululemon stands by decision to fire employees who intervened in robbery
–– In kooky new Worker Appreciation Program.

‘I’m a healthy GP – but I was shocked by the effect three slices of pizza could have’
–– You mean delight of sating self with savory, salty comfort food? No, your effing glucose monitor?

Why Do We Brand the Summer?
–– Good question, media whore.

Are airplane seats too small? Senators want the FAA to look again
–– After they reinflate their nuts.

Yellowstone urges visitors to protect wildlife after tourists put baby elk in their car and other incidents
–– Of pick-ups with elk rack?

Diver finds long-lost World War II submarine after 25 years of searching
–– Ham and Swiss sandwich ‘still edible.’

Asbury Park man accused in rape, death of cat, weighs plea deal
–– Facing feliny charges.

When is it too hot to walk your dog? How to keep your pet safe in the heat and signs of heatstroke in dogs
–– When paws stick in blacktop.

’Cryptic’ mountain creature — with 9 babies on its back — discovered as new species
–– But scientists can't figure out what she means.

‘They are stealing what should be ours’: Chinese trawlers are emptying West African fishing grounds
–– Suffering with trawl symptoms.

Massive fish could set world record. See catch that sent Italian angler ‘into a panic’
–– Record for 'biggest fisherman swallowed hole.'

Great white sharks found near swimmers, surfers 97% of the time at California beaches
–– If half a football field is your idea of near.

'They’re just gross': Mormon crickets descend on Nevada and wreak havoc
–– Going door-to-door, cheerfully chirping.

Crocodile made herself pregnant at Costa Rica zoo, study shows. Here’s how it’s possible
–– Was told to go f**k herself.

Newfound single-celled hunters may have been Earth's first-ever predators
–– With teensy-weensy bows, arrows.

I just bought the only physical encyclopedia still in print, and I regret nothing
–– Except hernia getting 22 volumes up stairs.

More than 90% of the Peach State’s peaches were lost this year after extreme winter weather
–– After epic act of carelessness.

First mission to ‘touch’ the sun catches the solar wind
–– Carrying cries of 'Ouch!'

US "Doomsday" Plane, Capable Of Surviving Nuclear War, Just Got A Big Revamp
–– But no explanation why crew might want to.

Kangaroo care gets a major endorsement. Here's what it looks like in Ivory Coast
–– Let's hop on over to see.

Humanity’s First Recorded Kiss Was Earlier Than We Thought
–– Month before first breath mint.

Can pornography be healthy? If it follows six rules, perhaps
–– 3. Keep firm grip with steady pumping action.

Is A Mysterious Cipher Concealed Within The "Alchemical Hand Bell"?
–– For sake of argument, yes.

TikTok’s Latest Obsession: Beige Flags
–– Furls before swine.

Record Pollution and Heat Herald a Season of Climate Extremes
–– Would if lungs weren't so congested.

Canada’s Wildfire Smoke Is Making It the Target of America’s Wrath
–– Quebec-assward response.

Mr. Bean says ‘our honeymoon with electric cars is coming to an end.’ It’s just the beginning.
–– He already tried, failed screwing his.

Fox News Host: Why Try to Save Earth When Afterlife Is Real?
–– We’d love if she could report on that first hand.

The Arctic may be sea ice-free in summer by the 2030s, new study warns
–– So, not on the rocks?

El Niño has officially begun. Here's what that means for the U.S.
–– Might have to tap strategic tilde reserve.

The paradox of atmospheric cooling
–– Just as we stratos-feared.

How life for animals changed when humans stayed home during the pandemic
–– Got little too cocky, to be honest.

Mysterious Covid-19 lineages in US sewers could offer clues to chronic infections
–– If you care to go down, check.

Françoise Gilot, Artist Who Fearlessly Chronicled Her Relationship with Picasso, Dies at 101
–– Gilot shot.

Robert Hanssen, convicted of spying on U.S. for Moscow, dies in prison
–– Goes underground.

Astrud Gilberto, Who Sang ‘The Girl From Ipanema,’ Dies at 83
–– Brazilian waxed.

The Iron Sheik, Villainous Hall of Fame Wrestler, Is Dead
–– Caught in deadlock.

Thomas W. Sarnoff, Legendary NBC Network Exec, Dies at 96
–– Signoff.

James G. Watt, Interior Secretary Under Reagan, Dies at 85
–– Watt shorted.

Pat Cooper, stand-up comic who mined his Italian roots, dies at 93
–– Bada-bing, bada-doom.

Pat Robertson, Christian televangelist and one-time presidential candidate, dies at age 93
–– St. Peter: ‘Sorry, Mr. Robertson, Catholics only.’