James & the Gang
Week of 09/23/22
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
New York attorney general files civil fraud lawsuit against Trump, some of his children and his business
–– But he’s least civil fraud.
Judge vacates conviction of 'Serial' subject Adnan Syed
–– Breathed Syed relief.
'The system protects the rich': Michael Cohen addresses new fraud lawsuit against Trump
–– ‘A fact I just learned recently.’
Trump claims presidents can declassify documents "even by thinking about it"
–– Same way they can pardon selves.
Special master questions Trump’s claims about Mar-a-Lago docs being declassified
–– Says he may accept if Trump can first snatch grasshopper from palm.
Special master to Trump’s lawyers: ‘You can't have your cake and eat it’
–– Trump: ‘But I can have my Filet-o-Fish and eat it, too, can’t I?’
Dearie asks Trump lawyers whether they believe FBI lied about seized documents
–– Hurt client refuses to call Special Master by ‘too-affectionate’ name.
Donald Trump humiliated J.D. Vance for fun
–– Can we join in? Jethro Bodine was smarter-looking Hillbilly.
House Jan. 6 committee comes to agreement to interview Ginni Thomas, wife of Justice Clarence Thomas
–– And negotiates for him to to keep mouth shut.
Seeking Broad Appeal, McCarthy Pitches a Campaign Agenda Light on Details
–– Heavy on idiotic generalities.
Dog The Bounty Hunter Says “Little Hitler…That Freak” Stole 2020 Election, Offers Bold Prediction For Midterms
–– From Big Hitler?
Career prosecutors recommend no charges for Gaetz in sex-trafficking probe
–– Let Gaetz swing.
Delaware prepares for possible migrant arrivals after report of flight planned from Texas
–– Joe’s houses might get best fall cleanup ever.
Senator Ted Cruz says that transporting migrants is illegal, but commends GOP governors for it anyway
–– 'But' or 'thus'?
In lawsuit, migrants say DeSantis flights ‘cruelty akin to what they fled in’ Venezuela
–– So now they can seek asylum in Canada while fleeing US persecution?
Here’s what Hurricane Fiona’s surf looked like, from atop a 50-foot wave
–– But first, some Dramamine.
Even before Fiona, Puerto Rico’s power grid was poised for failure
–– Not first PR disaster.
On Anniversary of Hurricane Maria, Storm Leaves Puerto Rico in the Dark
–– Light candles on cakes to celebrate 5 years of government inaction.
U.S. arrests along Mexico border top 2 million a year for first time
–– Why not build very low-security prisons to house them in Texas, Florida?
Vladimir Putin's Health Called Into Question After Turkish President Forced To Physically Support The 'Frail' Russian Leader
–– Did he have crutch for enfeebled brain?
As mobilization begins in Russia, sold-out flights, protests and arrests
–– Motherussia now swear word.
Zelenskyy urged UN officials to ask Russian representatives why their military is 'so obsessive with castration' after sharing what was found in Izium
–– Feared they'd be cut short in response.
One Big Problem for Ukraine Is Clear: Glass
–– Total pane.
Opinion What we really mean when we say ‘woke,’ ‘elites’ and other politically fraught terms
–– What do you really mean when you say we?
Iran's president returns to mass protests in the streets — and deadlier crackdowns could be next
–– In epic veil.
Iran’s President abandons CNN interview after Amanpour declines head scarf demand
–– Did she ask him to remove fat wad of turban jammed inside head?
South Korean president overheard insulting U.S. Congress as ‘idiots’
–– How dare he state obvious!
Columbia's president declares War on Drugs lost, proposes huge changes
–– Will allow direct Venmo payments to him from narcos.
Chaka Zulu, manager of rapper Ludacris, is charged with murder in June restaurant shooting
–– Went all, um, Shaka Zulu, on ‘im.
Defending R. Kelly and Bill Cosby, the Same Combative Lawyer
–– In latest slang for 'sleazebag.'
Lea Michele mocks rumor that she's illiterate
–– But not, in, y’know, riting.
LeVar Burton Reacts to Kanye Declaring 'I Actually Haven't Read Any Book'
–– ‘D’uh!’
Kylie Jenner Paired an Underboob-Baring Crop Top With the Lowest Rise Skirt
–– Underboob-baring is what ex-brother-in-law was doing with book comment.
Jennifer Lopez's Surprising Fall Pants Cost $980, but This Nearly Identical Pair Is Only $40
–– They surprisingly fall.
Adam Sandler Reacts to Harsh Critics Who Hate a Lot of His Movies: 'Sometimes' It Stings, but 'I Don't Get Shook Up'
–– Has Rob Schneider rub hurt butt with Zensa.
The Goldbergs’ turned Jeff Garlin’s exit into a poignant moment
–– After heartfelt firing.
Apple Shot an Oscar Contender Starring Will Smith. That Was Before the Slap.
–– Are we sure Smith didn’t shoot him?
Roddy Ricch Urges L.A. to End 'Senseless Violence' Following PnB Rock's Murder: 'We Can’t Keep Going Out Like This'
–– Yo, those date’s are murder.
Hugh Hefner insisted on this tool for sex: 'An infection waiting to happen'
–– Jaws of Life.
Selling Sunset’s Chrishell Stause just called out Adam Levine after he denied affair
–– Demands Stausal support.
The Sad, Lazy Adam Levine Cheating Scandal, Explained
–– By our sad, lazy reporter.
The Ultimate Power Ranking of Horny Celebrities Sliding Into DMs
–– Sounds like they’ve hit on something.
All Marilyn Monroe movies are exploitative. But the nightmarish Blonde actually shows you inside her vagina
–– Which could've been sub-titled Brunette.
Ana de Armas Knows Her ‘Blonde’ Nude Scenes Will Go Viral: ‘It’s Disgusting’
–– They’re pretentiously artsy and pretty dull, but not disgusting.
Tiffany Haddish Says She ‘Lost Everything’ After Molestation Lawsuit: ‘All My Gigs Are Gone’
–– In gag economy.
James Cameron Spent an Entire Year Writing an 'Avatar 2' Script, and Then He Threw It Out: It Wasn't 'Subconscious' Enough
–– One he shot took two days.
James Cameron Rejected Fox’s ‘Avatar’ Notes by Telling Execs: ‘I Made “Titanic”‘ and It Paid for Your Half-Billion Dollar Studio Lot
–– Let’s see what’s left after next two sequels.
‘Jurassic World Dominion' Slowly but Surely Crosses $1 Billion Globally
–– Slowly and sorely.
’M*A*S*H’ at 50: War Is Hell(arious)
–– Headline just Hell.
'M*A*S*H' stars Alan Alda and Mike Farrell reunite for 50th anniversary of the show
–– B.J. and the unbearable.
Matthew McConaughey Says He Refused to Let Being Blackmailed as a Teenager “Beat Me”
–– Sounds like someone beat him to it.
'There's no way she's 68': Christie Brinkley reveals her anti-aging tips
–– Says 98-year-old fan.
Salma Hayek pays tribute to 'style sister' Penélope Cruz: 'Two queens!'
–– Dressed them?
What Hemingway Left in Sloppy Joe’s Bar 80 Years Ago
–– Own liver wrapped in first draft of To Have and Have Not.
‘Dilbert’ Dude Declares War on Sustainable Investing, Is Terminally Unfunny About It
–– Like Dildobert.
2 Michael Jackson Impersonators Look Identical. The Resemblance Ends There.
–– One doesn't just pretend to be pedophile?
King Charles Plans to Cut Prince Harry, Prince Andrew, and Princess Beatrice as Official Stand-Ins
–– Will replace with Mr. Bean, Dame Edith Everage, Spotted Dick.
An exploding king: Why Queen Elizabeth II’s coffin was lined with lead
–– Hoping Charles would get hernia trying to lift.
Why the Lord Chamberlain Broke His Wand of Office on Queen Elizabeth's Coffin
–– It was made of lead!
Opinion Can Charles III modernize the monarchy and still keep the magic?
–– Maybe if he gets Lord Chamberlain new wand.
Queen’s funeral: Why Prince Harry wasn't in military uniform but Prince William was
–– Meghan made sure he wore Captain Britain briefs.
Prince Harry appeared 'traumatized' at Queen Elizabeth II's funeral while seated behind King Charles III
–– Which, granted, is hard to distinguish from typical expression.
The return of Fergie: Prince Andrew’s ex had prime seat at queen’s funeral
–– Couldn’t keep hands off Harry’s ass.
Royal-Reunion Photos Have Body-Language experts Working Overtime
–– Only group with jobs more ridiculous than theirs.
The Queen joked she had ‘no taste’ – but the Royal Collection reveals the truth
–– She really, really had no taste.
The queen may have died but the collectibles she inspired live on
–– Charles will place her bobbleheads on dashboard when we waves to crowds.
Camilla says her late mother-in-law, Queen Elizabeth II, had the most 'wonderful blue eyes' and a smile she'll never forget
–– Which she blessedly never has to to see again.
Princess Anne Will “Absolutely” Be a Part of King Charles’ Streamlined Monarchy
–– Because Camilla refuses to pack Charles’ sporran.
Touching pictures of the Queen and Philip as they're reunited for one last time
–– Like scene out of The Walking Dead.
Princess Beatrice Attends Queen Elizabeth's Funeral 1 Day After Daughter Sienna's First Birthday
–– From the ‘Who gives flying fuck file.’
Queen Elizabeth’s Corgis Said Goodbye to Her in the Sweetest Way
–– Peed on Charles’ leg.
What is Operation Golden Orb? Everything we know about King Charles III's coronation
–– Worst Bond film since Quantum of Silence.
Pujols joins 700 home run club with pair of HRs
–– Fans unclench poo holes.
Man sets himself on fire on London tennis court where Roger Federer is set to play his last match
–– Sick burn.
Magnus Carlsen quits chess game after just one move against Hans Niemann
–– Niemann felt ‘rooked.’
Pickleball is exploding, and it’s getting messy
–– Brine absolutely everywhere.
Washington Monument vandalized with red paint
–– Could've at least added white and blue.
A horse pooped on Main Street. People had thoughts.
–– In nearly identical biological process.
This Is the Happiest State in the U.S., According to a New Report
–– When visitors ask ‘Hawaii?’, residents excitedly reply, ‘Oh-ah-hoo!'
Kansas City senior living center starts boxing class for residents with Parkinson's disease
–– Putting them in cartons seems a little cruel.
Disney World guests slam eye-watering bill at resort restaurant Victoria & Albert’s
–– Delivered by waiter dressed as Goofy poking you in eyes.
Why you should think twice before throwing out old button mushrooms
–– And then toss them.
The real difference between bananas and baby bananas
–– Exposure to cold water.
F.D.A. Warning on NyQuil Chicken Alerts Many to Existence of NyQuil Chicken
–– We must’ve been asleep.
2 claim $1.34 billion Mega Millions lottery prize
— Plus Eric Trump, but nobody’s listening.
Beyond Meat suspends executive after he was arrested on suspicion of biting a man’s nose
–– Craved real thing.
‘I’m Done Saying I’m Sorry,’ Alex Jones Tells Sandy Hook Families in Court
–– Ready to admit you’re totally pathetic?
Sandy Hook mom says hoax believers stalked the cemetery after her husband died by suicide for signs his death was faked
–– Like Hemlock Holmes.
A Florida college student was shot while trying to enter the wrong car. His family wants answers.
–– Like why is NBC News even covering when he was white?
Canada mass stabbing suspect not beaten to death in police custody -coroner
–– Surprisingly.
Second decomposed body found in former Rhode Island mayor's house identified
–– Last one out is a rotten corpse.
It’s 2022. Time to get rid of the thong law, Myrtle Beach
–– This week in Cheek Thrills.
Teacher Who Joined OnlyFans to Support Her Family Was Fired
–– School already had sex ed.
The Midlife Crisis Is Very Real and Nothing to Be Laughed At
–– You mean we can’t wear our hilarious ‘I’m a Middle-Aged Teenager’ tee?
Egypt’s ancient 'Tree of the Virgin Mary' reopens to visitors
–– Takes bough.
Emaciated Hairless Puppy Found Alone on Busy Road Adopted After Stunning Recovery
–– Now plump, hirsute vicious pitbull.
'Put down as soon as possible': Sick dog found tied to pole outside South Carolina shelter
–– So we heaped insults on him.
Don’t Wake Your Pet from a Nightmare and Other Pet Dreaming Tips from an Animal Behaviorist
–– Tiptoe when you approach him in king-sized bed with his breakfast on a silver tray.
What is the most venomous snake in the world? Meet the inland taipan (if you dare).
–– He isn’t, but can be very sarcastic to strangers.
Otter and ape make for cute odd couple at zoo
–– Dithery otter obviously Felix.
There are about 20000 trillion ants on Earth, new study estimates
–– Census workers warn of possible undercount.
Ocmulgee Mounds National Historical Park Grows By 250 Acres
–– Tons of ocmulgee shipped in to beef up mounds.
Space Force Song Shoots for the Stars, but Some Think It Falls Flat
–– Those with ears.
Humans have left more than 15,000 pounds of trash on Mars
–– And humans have never been closer than 34.8 mil miles to surface.
You’ve seen Mount Doom in the movies, now look at it from space
–– You can see LOTR on our TV from ISS?’
A meteoroid crashed into Mars, and NASA recorded the odd sound it made. Have a listen
–– Right? Sounds like fat man sitting on Chihuahua.
Bluebird Bio gene therapy becomes first FDA-approved med for ultra-rare neuro disorder
–– Nicknamed Bird Brain.
Human Waste Could Help the Fight Against Future Infectious Disease Outbreaks
–– If they can fit turd with hazmat suit.
Facing calls to resign, World Bank's Malpass changes answer on climate crisis
–– "What do you want to hear so I can keep my job with all the perks?"
Dodgers great and stolen-base champ Maury Wills dead at age 89
–– Chill Wills.
Hilary Mantel, Prize-Winning Author of Historical Fiction, Dies at 70
–– Bringing up the body.
