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Along for the Riot
Week of 07/01/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

‘Take me up to the Capitol now’: How close Trump came to joining rioters
–– 'And step in it!'

Can It Get Any Worse for Rudy Giuliani?
–– Yeah, convict the scumbag.

Hutchinson's testimony raises fresh questions about Secret Service's handling of Jan. 6
–– Are they willing to take bullshit for President?

Trump Group Pays for Jan. 6 Lawyers, Raising Concerns of Witness Pressure
–– Lawyers paying clients undisclosed per diems.

Aide’s testimony that Trump was told of weapons could boost civil suits
–– Fire away.

Trump’s 'girth would prevent him from actually getting to the steering wheel' of his SUV, former Secret Service agent says: 'I don't see this president ever being able to do that. Ever.'
–– Fat chance?

’Ketchup dripping down the wall’: 5 stunning moments from Cassidy Hutchinson’s Jan. 6 testimony
–– 1. Heinz sight is 20/20.

Opinion The Supreme Court is eroding the wall between church and state
–– File under Y for ‘Y’think’?

Justice Gorsuch called a high school football coach's on-field prayer 'quiet' and 'personal' as the Supreme Court sided with religious rights. Sotomayor said that description 'misconstrues the facts.'
–– Court assaulting separation of church and state ‘blatant’ and ‘public.’

Two workers fired for not attending company’s prayers, lawsuit says
–– Unconscious pious in workplace.

Clarence Thomas says American citizens are seemingly 'more interested in their iPhones' than 'their Constitution': book
–– He's been trying to dial his since 2012.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has a lot to celebrate
–– All’s he had to do was sit quietly for 30 years, wait for Court to collapse.

Supreme Court hands defeat to Native American Tribes in Oklahoma
–– In sack with cigar store Indian, Tom Mix videos, vintage Washington Redskins jersey.

Ketanji Brown Jackson sworn in as Supreme Court justice
–– Lucky her.

Biden says he supports a filibuster carveout to restore abortion rights
–– As opposed to current Democrat cave-in?

Texas AG says he’d defend sodomy law if Supreme Court revisits ruling
–– As Constitution prepares to take it up ass.

Who Will Help Care for Texas’ Post-Roe Babies?
–– Sears Roe back.

‘The dog that caught the car’: Republicans brace for the impact of reversing Roe
–– In tired metaphor.

Biden urged to take a blowtorch to the court after Roe ruling
–– When he hardly has Bic lighter.

Joe Manchin reacts to Roe v. Wade ruling: ‘I trusted Justice Gorsuch and Justice Kavanaugh’
–– As he sticks fork in wall socket which Mitch McConnell assured him was safe.

‘The View': Anti-Abortion Host Sunny Hostin Doesn’t Believe in ‘Any Exception,’ Including Incest
–– What did her mother couple with?

Antiabortion lawmakers want to block patients from crossing state lines
–– Using fetus-sniffing dogs.

Miss. lawmaker says 12-year-old incest victims should carry pregnancies to term
–– Who did Gunn have in mind?

‘Full House' star Jodie Sweetin thrown to ground by police during abortion rights protest
–– Was straight flush.

Black men feel 'helpless and hopeless' as Black women brace for post-Roe America
–– We asked them all.

Maya Hawke says she 'wouldn't exist' if mom Uma didn't get abortion
–– Um, uh, Maya, that's not how it works.

Gen Z is influencing the abortion debate — from TikTok
–– Or not at all.

US Officials Again Call TikTok a National Security Threat: What You Need to Know
–– You can give Zuckerberg or Xi every digital detail of your existence.

TikTok assures Republicans it’s working to protect US data security
–– Shows them deepfake porn tapes they would ‘hate to have to release.’

Financier Bill Browder: Vladimir Putin has been a 'psychopath' since childhood and lacks normal 'human emotions'
–– Would invade neighbor's yard, ride pet dog bare-chested.

"We're watching Russia wither before our eyes," former US defense chief says
–– Like it Mattis what he has to say.

Opinion: 'Show them our pecs!' The G7 'boys club' is back
–– Glad she got that off chest.

Putin condemns NATO’s ‘imperial ambitions’, warns Finland, Sweden
–– Pretty biczar.

‘I’m a little surprised’: Nato summit venue in Madrid serves ‘Russian salad’
–– Prefer Russian undressing?

Ukraine wins back control over Snake Island
–– Troops recoiled.

Russian oil products are increasingly headed to Saudi Arabia via Egypt
–– Power tools used in torture need lubrication.

Trump SPAC shares plunge on grand jury subpoena news
–– SPAC crackle and flop.

Opinion The Supreme Court’s gun ruling was a victory over racist policing
–– And triumph for black-on-black murder!

DeSantis signs nearly 3 dozen bills, including banning smoking and giving grandparents more rights
–– Only misspells own name 7 times.

Rudy Giuliani claimed a grocery-store employee's attack on him felt like a gunshot. CCTV footage shows he was slapped on the back.
–– Shocked as he'd not received encouraging pat since age five.

Rudy Giuliani Is Furious Fox News Isn’t Covering Him Getting Smacked on the Back
–– Grateful it was well above hip flask.

Andrew Giuliani had the name ID and his famous father. He just didn’t have the votes.
–– Or human-size brain.

Scenes of Horror as Putin Hits Mall With ‘1,000 People’ Inside
–– Door-buster salvo.

“Finding the Funniest People Was a Non-Negotiable”: ‘THR Presents’ Q&A With ‘I Want You Back’ Team
–– So they cast hilarious Gina Rodrigues, Scott Eastwood.

Alec Baldwin to Interview Woody Allen on Tuesday
–– Will discuss Prince Andrew, Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein.

Woody Allen Talks Making Movies in Streaming Era: “A Lot of The Thrill is Gone”
–– Harder to find teen girls to appear in his.

Jonathan Groff Recounts Sweet Story of His First Gay Kiss During 'Broadway Gives Back' Interview: 'I Was Levitating'
–– So where did he kiss you?

Hayden Christensen's 7-year-old daughter was his 'lightsaber training partner' for his role in 'Obi-Wan Kenobi'
–– Also seems like she wrote several episodes.

Jenny Slate on Sticking With the Seven-Year Process of Marcel the Shell With Shoes On
–– And other humiliating confessions.

What Elvis Gets Right—And Wrong—About the Real Colonel Tom Parker
–– Was there Colonel of truth?

Oscars Predictions: Best Picture — Could ‘Everything Everywhere All at Once’ Sustain Its Oscar Buzz for Six More Months?
–– If rest of year is total bust.

Nina Dobrev Reveals She and Her Ex Broke Up Over Her ‘Vampire Diaries’ Role
–– Turned out he did have taste.

Amanda Batula Rocks a Teeny Green Bikini While Vacationing in Italy
–– Has to squeeze self in with spatula.

At 52, Jennifer Lopez's Flawless Bikini Selfie Is My Summer Mood Board
–– You desperately need medication.

RHOA Star Marlo Hampton Takes the 'Naked' Dress to the Next Level in This Optical Illusion Design
–– Barely.

Francis Bacon painting of Lucian Freud sells for £43.3mn: Sothebys
–– Brings home Bacon.

FBI Seizes 25 Basquiat Paintings Off a Florida Museum’s Walls
–– Described as 'total Basquait case.'

R. Kelly sentenced to 30 years for sex trafficking and racketeering
–– Let off for criminal lack of talent.

Britain’s Jodie Burrage comes to the aid of unwell ball boy with sweets during first round Wimbledon match
–– Whose parents never told to not take from strangers.

Andy Murray defends use of cheeky underhand serve in Wimbledon opener against James Duckworth
–– Included mooning opponent.

Serena Williams' return to Wimbledon ends with dramatic defeat against Harmony Tan
–– When is first round elimination dramatic?

Plan to replace Wimbledon ball boys with dogs fails for very adorable reason
–– Kept soiling tennis whites.

Eli Manning Reacts to Nephew Arch’s Texas Commitment
–– To nuthouse?

Miles Bridges’ wife posts photos of her apparent injuries on social media after Hornets forward is arrested in Los Angeles
–– Sting operation.

Four outs in an inning? It was a surprise to the Nationals, too.
–– As are most aspects of game.

’Fully intact’ and ‘vintage’ Burger King restaurant found behind wall in Delaware mall
–– Looks like painting by Edward Whopper.

Enormous chocolate factory shuts over salmonella outbreak
–– Willy Wonka locked in executive toilet.

Tried the Minion Olipop Soda and Can Confirm It Slaps
–– Your teeth on way back up.

Hallelujah, It’s Raining Fish (Anchovies, To Be Exact)
–– Catch ‘em with your sizzling pizza.

Kohl’s takes down the ‘for sale’ sign
–– Prints ‘fire sale’ signs for future torched stores.

Daily Harvest hit with lawsuits from people who say they had their gallbladders removed after consuming its product
–– Original name of company included ‘of Organs.’

Texas migrant deaths: Truck driver 'unaware air conditioner had stopped working'
–– AC dicey.

’Too much mayo’: Subway customer arrested after shooting 2 employees, killing 1 over sandwich order
–– Condimental case.

Glamorous heiress, 45, charged with having sex with 14-year-old boy four times in one day
–– So it felt like once with 56-year-old.

Analysts accuse Bed Bath & Beyond of turning off AC in stores to save money as sales plummet
–– Selling bath beads of sweat.

AI made these stunning images. Here’s why experts are worried
–– Afraid viewers lack muscle control to avert eyes?

Weed users nearly 25% more likely to need emergency care and hospitalization
–– 50% less likely to notice.

3 LGBTQ diplomats see opportunity and crisis for queer people around the world
–– Known as Mars.

Xi Jinping eyes ‘victory lap’ in Hong Kong, as locals look on warily
–– As he dons SHEIN Plus Abstract Figure Graphic Drop Shoulder Hoodie & Sweatpants .

Poland completes Belarus border wall to keep asylum seekers out
–– They already have enough crazy bastards in there.

Supreme Court Rules Biden Can End Trump-Era ‘Remain in Mexico’ Policy
–– Hasta la visitor, baby.

What is Muqtada al-Sadr’s Long Game?
–– Animal Crossings: New Horizon?

Why Is There So Much Turmoil in Eastern Congo?
–– And when wasn’t there?

Ben & Jerry's objects to sale of its ice cream in West Bank
–– Has meltdown.

Meet Mr. Happy Face, the 'World's Ugliest Dog'
–– And owner, Mr. Sad Joke.

Woman left dog in car for 8 hours while delivering food with boyfriend, Florida cops say
–– Hot dogs!

Camper awakes to knife-carrying killer crab at tent: 'Lucky to be alive'
–– ‘And enjoyed my subsequent surf ’n’ turf dinner.’

Pair of orcas targeting great white sharks off South Africa's coast
–– With harpoon guns!

Carnivorous plant that traps prey underground is the 1st of its kind to be discovered
–– Outside of drive-in theater.

‘Mango Man’ Is the Fruit’s Foremost Poet, Philosopher, Fan and Scientist
–– Not this guy?

An Ancient Home Found Beneath the Baths of Caracalla Is Now on Display
–– Unfortunately, has leak in ceiling.

New double crater seen on the moon after mystery rocket impact
–– Israel blames Hamas.

Meet ReachBot, a robot designed to explore Martian caves
–– And grab your ass.

Ancient alien life is likely buried more than six feet under Mars’ surface
–– In wooden casket?

Objective Reality May Not Exist at All, Quantum Physicists Say
–– Do they, really?

Fossils in South African cave reignite debate on origins of humankind
–– Academics trying to make their bones.

In Pompeii, Archaeologists Uncover Ancient Pregnant Tortoise
–– But not her lava.

A Rare 2,000-Year-Old Roman Temple Is Unearthed in the Netherlands: 'A Beautiful Site'
–– Real Dutch treat.

An Excavation in the Sea Depths Recovers Hercules From the Afterlife
–– And Herc none too happy about it.

The mystery of how dinosaurs had sex
–– Movies always cut to waterfall or train passing through tunnel before showing.

When insects got wings, evolution really took off
–– Totally bugged out.

How we got addicted to using Q-tips the wrong way
–– Aw, go stick it in your ear.

Supreme Court curbs EPA’s ability to fight climate change
–– Even in cases of rape of Mother Nature.

Mike Huckabee: Instead of eliminating fossil fuels, we just ought to eliminate fossils
–– He qualifies.

Climate anxiety is widespread among youth—can they overcome it?
–– They can't even get over being called anxious.

Climate protesters glue themselves to a 19th-century painting
–– Did they think crude was used in oils?

‘Alien things’ brought covid into North Korea, regime says
–– After styling Kim Jong-un’s hair.

COVID test positivity rate in nation's largest city surpasses 10%
–– Why they call it Fun City.

Clarence Thomas suggests Covid vaccines are derived from the cells of ‘aborted children’
–– We suggest his brain's derived from 'aborted transplant.'

Sonny Barger, biker outlaw and founder of Hells Angels, dies at 83
–– To ride with real deal.

Ray-Ban’s billionaire owner Leonardo Del Vecchio dies
–– Shaded.

Xerox CEO John Visentin dies at 59
–– Copy that.

Joe Turkel, Bartender in the ‘The Shining’ and ‘Blade Runner’ Actor, Dies at 94
–– Don't Overlook.