MV Pee
Week of 09/16/22
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Migrants flown to Martha’s Vineyard as GOP escalates immigration protest
–– Peeved locals mail DeSantis dirty limerick.
Can You Get Hooked on Melatonin?
–– We fell asleep halfway through headline.
White House to discuss immigration policy after dozens of migrants land in Martha's Vineyard
–– A little late to fill summer service jobs.
Playing Politics With Human Beings”: Biden Officials Are Reportedly Mulling Legal Options Over DeSantis’s Anti-immigrant Stunt
–– DeSantis master of zero-dimensional chess.
Democrats’ Midterm Dilemma: How to Back Biden, Yet Shun Him, Too
–– Won’t touch with 10-point poll?
How a Rail Strike Could Wreak Havoc on the American Supply Chain
–– Choo-choo on that.
‘Failure wasn't an option here': How Biden navigated a political and economic minefield at a critical moment in rail negotiations
–– And how we in media will instead harp on his age.
Workers Say Railroads’ Efficiency Push Became Too Much
–– ‘Got to the point where we had to, y’know, work.’
Newsom Campaign Runs Billboard Ads in Red States Advertising California Abortions
–– 'Cut out the middle man' catchphrase under reconsideration.
Angered by ‘The 1619 Project,’ state leaders respond with the ‘Texas 1836 Project’
–– So Texans can choose preferred fantasy?
GOP lawmaker calls witness ‘boo’ at hearing, prompts Ocasio-Cortez apology
–– 'Boo' terrifies who?
Judge says she can't accept DOJ's claim that Trump 'could not possibly have a possessory interest' in some documents seized from Mar-a-Lago until 3rd party looks at them
–– Sure, he's possessory after the fact.
Hillary Clinton: Type Of Documents That Trump Had Are Often Handcuffed To An Officer
–– We’d love to see him handcuffed to one.
Republican congressman presents convicted January 6 rioter with flag flown over US Capitol after her release from prison
–– Gohmert pile.
Biden honors 9/11 victims at Pentagon ceremony: 'This is a day not only to remember, but a day of renewal and resolve'
–– 'And reverence and resiliency and repetition and recreation and rebates and…'
Graham proposes 15-week abortion bill, dividing Republicans ahead of midterm elections
–– America will need mourning after pill.
Justice Department subpoena storm broadens Trump’s potential legal woes
–– Wake us when they woes to level of indictment.
Justice Dept. says it would accept Trump’s candidate for special master
–– If he drops Grandmaster Flash.
Trump warns of 'problems' like 'we've never seen' if he's indicted
–– That’s royal we, dickhead.
Georgia Prosecutor Investigating Trump Says “Prison Sentences” Are on the Table
–– And that’s where they’ve stayed in dozens of his crimes.
Save America PAC pays $3 million to Trump lawyer
–– Trump insists lawyer's middle name is America.
Armed Trump Lover Arrested at Dairy Queen Wanted to ‘Kill All Democrats’
–– Faces Blizzard of charges.
FBI seizes Mike Lindell’s phone in probe of Colo. voting machine breach
–– Found under drool-soaked pillow with multiple bite marks.
Marjorie Taylor Greene shares a video in which she appears to kick a youth activist
–– Shit hits fan?
“Without gas or without you? Without you": Zelensky delivers pointed message to Russia
–– Breaks into U2 hit.
Amid Ukraine’s startling gains, liberated villages describe Russian troops dropping rifles and fleeing
–– And shitting bullets.
–– Putin training army of straight-up ghouls.
Pope Francis Says Arming Ukraine Can Be ‘Morally Acceptable.’
–– ‘Even entertaining.’
Modi rebukes Putin over war in Ukraine
–– ‘Not enough Muslims there to justify.’
Iran's 'morality police' accused of murdering woman for not properly wearing hijab, sparking protests
–– Sharia madness.
Russian businessman's body found in latest mysterious death
–– Putin extends big closeout special.
Germany Offers One of the Largest Holocaust Reparations Packages, and a Special Fund for Ukrainians
–– Atone def.
EU parliament declares that Hungary — beloved of Trump and Tucker Carlson — no longer counts as a democracy
–– They buy Orban myths.
Pakistan Lost $30 Billion in Floods. Should Rich Polluting Countries Pay Up?
–– To pay for functional government?
Opinion: Why every conspiracy Republicans imagine eventually crumbles to dust
–– Because they originate in dusty heads.
Zendaya makes Emmys history again
–– The ancients foretold a day when a young maiden of tenderest years would win a second statuette, herald new age.
People Are Calling Out Jimmy Kimmel's "White Male Privilege" After He Lied Flat On The Ground During Quinta Brunson's Emmy Speech
–– Because he staged dopey stunt somehow knowing she would win.
Harrison Ford makes emotional return to 'Indiana Jones' franchise
–– Got teary remembering when he could crack whip without throwing out back.
Kelly Ripa Passed Out During Sex With Mark Consuelos, She Says In New Book
–– He hadn’t bathed in 3 days.
House of the Dragon Star Emily Carey Was 'Scared' to Shoot Sex Scenes with Much Older Costar
–– Intimacy coordinator was Ramsay Bolton.
Trevor Noah Slams 'Internet Racists' Outraged by Black Ariel in 'The Little Mermaid': 'It's Imaginary'
–– Others outraged she's maid.
British singer Arlo Parks cancels US dates, saying: ‘I am broken’
–– Like her contracts.
The Phantom of the Opera, Broadway's longest-running show, is closing
–– Will contine to haunt New York sewers.
Ryan Reynolds Decided To Film His Colonoscopy And Doctors Actually Found Something That Might Have Been "Life-Saving"
–– Gastroenterologist: ‘What an asshole!’
Paulina Porizkova, 57, Just Posted A Pic Of Her Perky 🍑 In A Thong Bikini
–– We were spared going in.
Britney Spears Goes Nude And Flashes Her Ultra-Perky Booty On IG
–– Emancipation from pantsification.
YouTube star Trisha Paytas welcomes first daughter, Malibu Barbie
–– Child can’t wait to gain power of speech to tell mother she hates her.
‘SNL’ Adds Four Featured Players to Season 48 Cast
–– 48 also number of cast members.
Leonardo DiCaprio’s Advice to Timothée Chalamet: ‘No Hard Drugs and No Superhero Movies’
–– ‘Unless you can combine.’
TIFF: Harry Styles Says “Wasted Time” — A Central Theme of LGBT Drama ‘My Policeman’ — Is the “Most Devastating Thing”
–– Exactly what his entire career offers fans.
R. Kelly convicted on child pornography charges at federal trial in Chicago; acquitted of conspiring to obstruct justice
–– See, he’s not all bad.
Rapper PnB Rock fatally shot at Roscoe’s Chicken ‘N Waffles in Los Angeles, report says
–– PnB at CnW?
Photographer David LaChapelle offers a balm for turbulent times
–– Balm of gay lad.
Gap and Kanye West Officially End Their Partnership
–– Yeezysiree Bob.
Rolling Stone founder says Lennon cover is magazine's most iconic
–– Ono scale of one to ten.
Sacheen Littlefeather Says 1973 John Wayne Incident Was 'Most Violent Moment' in Oscars History
–– Apparently hadn’t seen this year’s edition.
Chloe Cherry says being a porn star cost her friends
–– And earned her enemas.
Sorry, Pete Davidson: Newly-Single Kim Kardashian Says Her Next Boyfriend Could Be a Neuroscientist
–– At least she’d get round-the-clock monitoring.
50 Cent Reportedly Sues Medspa for Implying He Had Penis Enhancement
–– Enlarged 50 percent?
James Cameron Says You’re Wrong About 3D: It’s ‘Not Really’ Dead Just Yet
–– But you’re right about Avatar –– deader than doornail.
How Did T.S. Eliot Go From Young and Wild to Old and Stodgy?
–– Is old part so mysterious?
John Oliver Criticizes ‘Law & Order’ and Dick Wolf for Unrealistic, Highly Favorable Portrayal of Police
–– We call for nap commission.
Sky Cuts Queen Elizabeth II-Related Jokes From ‘Last Week Tonight With John Oliver’ in U.K.
–– Oliver twist.
Is Britain mourning? Queen’s coffin on final journey but daily life goes on.
–– Not even tremble in stiff upper lip?
With Queen Gone, Former Colonies Find a Moment to Rethink Lasting Ties
–– Pause during hectic post-colonial duties.
Prince William just inherited a 685-year old estate worth $1 billion
–– Windsor take all.
Prince Harry Is Not Allowed to Wear Military Attire at Queen's Vigil, But Exception Made for Prince Andrew
–– Captain Obvious uniform still fits.
Matt Smith says Prince Harry once called him 'granddad' when they met at a polo match
–– “And please hug me ‘cause mine never did.’
What medals does Prince Harry have and how did he earn them?
–– And what cereal boxes did they come in?
Relive Princess Diana's Iconic Biker Shorts and Oversized Sweaters
–– Well, OK, but we think they're gonna be kinda tight on us.
Indians have moved on since the Queen took the throne. But they'd like the Koh-i-Noor back
–– We're not going to say Indian givers, we're not going to say…
Literally Each And Every One Of These Pictures Completely And Totally Blew My Mind Last Week
–– Why should we listen to someone with 19 holes in head?
Why adult children are cutting off their parents more than ever
–– They drive so darn slow.
In Hasidic Enclaves, Failing Private Schools Flush with Public Money
–– Not enough reading, writing, rugelach?
Helmet Shortage in High School Football Raises Costs, and Risks
–– Maybe they could get some shtreimels cheap.
Burger King has a plan to make you fall in love with the Whopper again
–– Slipping in Ecstasy.
Wegmans ends self-checkout app after too much shoplifting
–– Customers still spending criminal amount on phones checking selves out.
Ketamine infusions improve symptoms of depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation, study says
–– But can cause persistent neighing.
Opinion The powder vs. crack cocaine disparity still exists, and it’s still unfair
–– Nothing to snort at?
Rise in Deaths Spurs Effort to Raise Alcohol Taxes
–– Boy, even cost of dying going up.
TikTok won't commit to stopping US data flows to China
–– Which is, to be fair, their entire business plan.
She posted an ad on a dating site. An alleged serial killer answered.
–– His ‘Pro: Really, really quiet dates.’ should’ve been red flag.
Feds Reveal Possible Motive of Texas Doc Accused of Putting ‘Heart-Stopping Drugs’ in IV Drips
–– Aorta be a law!
Why your car's speedometer goes up to 160 mph (even when your car can't)
–– But we’d love to see you try.
What Is Brain Fog and How Can I Treat It?
–– And is it caused by brain fart?
Female Squirting Is Mainly Made Up Of Urine, Study Finds
–– Boned to the soak.
Man Tells of Losing His Arm to an Alligator, Followed by Days Lost in a Swamp
–– Ironically, arm reached safety before him.
Watch: Great white shark looks huge until second shark appears
–– Who had dual penis enlargement.
Unexpected bear shows up at 2-year-old's birthday party
–– Expected one caught in traffic.
See husky dog play on the roof of house in the absence of a backyard
–– Fetch with Santa Claus!
Dog dies after backyard fight with porcupine. ‘I could hear him crying,’ family says
–– Displayed stuck-to-ittiveness.
Donkey’s Cute Morning Greeting on the Farm Is Impossible to Resist
–– If you’re ass man.
The rule-breaking paper microscope that costs $1.75 to make
–– And allows you to examine object as small as quarter.
Unearthing a Maya Civilization That ‘Punched Above Its Weight’
–– But was still KO’d by Spaniards.
Fact Check: Are One In 200 People Descended From Genghis Khan?
–– Have one in 20 boomers sung lyrics by Sammy Cahn?
See moment Blue Origin rocket catches fire during launch
–– Sort of Flame Yellow Conclusion.
Perseverance rover finds organic matter 'treasure' on Mars
–– Left by alien pet.
NASA Has Found Ingredients for Life in ‘Every Target That We've Observed’ on Mars
–– Well, if they have already have big box department stores…
The Gulf of Maine is simmering, but its lobsters seem fine — for now
–– Maybe pre-boiled lobster will ultimately save energy.
World's Oldest Vertebrate Fossil Heart Found in Australia
–– Adorably, with arrow through it.
Biden’s Delaware vacation home faces 'extreme' flood risk as climate change leads to rising seas
–– Joe: ‘Not in my lifetime, buddy.’
Our pets are part of the climate problem. These tips can help you minimize their carbon pawprints
––And they're not methane around.
Deadly flood-water ‘tsunami’ sweeps through Italian towns
–– Clearly not real ‘tsunami’, so why not ‘tiramisu’?
Here’s Why Experts Believe the New Omicron Booster Will Work
–– Because no one will really be able to prove different.
’You’re blowing this': New book reveals Melania Trump criticized her husband's handling of Covid
–– He replied, ‘No, you’re blowing this.’
COVID lockdown and remote learning set back kids by 'several grades'
–– Daily Mail should be happy with potential for more dumb readers.
WHO director says COVID "end is in sight"
–– Sez WHO?
Marsha Hunt, Blacklisted Actress Known for Activism, Dies at 104
–– On Big Blacklist.
Diane Noomin, Who Helped Bring Feminism to Underground Comics, Dies at 75
–– Pall Noomin.
Ken Starr, Independent Counsel in Clinton Investigation, Dies at 76
–– Coffin draped with stained blue shroud.
Henry Silva, Distinctive Actor in 'Ocean's Eleven,' 'Manchurian Candidate,' Dies at 95
–– No Silva lining.
Jean-Luc Godard, Enfant Terrible of Modern French Cinema, Dies at 91
–– Most adult work pretty terrible, too.
Godard Taught Me How to Watch Cinema, Even as He Kept Reinventing It
–– Does that explain endless pretentious reviews?
