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Bannon Abortion
Week of 07/22/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of the TV series Black Bird entitled Shit Bird with Steve Bannon in the role of the psychopathic prisoner and Jared Kushner as the inmate who is trying to get him to confess to his crimes relating to the January 6th Assault on the Capitol.Steve Bannon found guilty of criminal contempt of Congress
–– And general contempt for fellow humans.

Biden, 79, tests positive for the coronavirus.
–– First positive news he’s received in weeks.

Bannon: "We may have lost the battle here today, but we’re not going to lose the war”
–– 'The 2020 election? OK, so we lost the war, but no way we're gonna lose the next one!'

Bannon unrepentant after Congress contempt conviction: ‘​​I am not backing off 1 inch’
–– 'Or the length of my erect MAGA stick.'

Prosecution rests contempt case against Bannon after two witnesses
–– Proving Bannon’s contempt is like demonstrating water’s wet.

Video shows Josh Hawley running from rioters on Jan. 6
–– Hawleying ass.

Josh Hawley responds to video-turned-meme of him running away from a pro-Trump mob on January 6 saying he won't run from feud with 'liberals'
–– ‘Nor make wee-wee in my nappies.’

Liz Cheney, Front and Center in the Jan. 6 Hearings, Pursues a Mission
–– Making you disassociate family name from Satanic father.

Retired U.S. Military Leaders Speak Out Against Trump's 'Dereliction Of Duty'
–– Left Ship of State like Mary Celeste.

Melania Trump says she was 'unaware' of the January 6 insurrection as it was happening
— ‘It was like when Donald is having the relations with me.’

Proud Boys crashed Drag Queen Story Hour at a local library. It was part of a wider movement
–– In their Tough Guy drag.

Biden had received a second booster. Here’s why it wasn’t enough to prevent infection.
–– No more boosters even in his own party.

Jill Biden on President Joe Biden's hindered progress: 'He had so many hopes'
–– Wasn’t just Biden his time?

Women in Missouri can’t get a divorce while pregnant. Many fear what this means post-Roe
–– Show me. State.

Fetuses Can Be ‘People’ in Georgia Now. Here’s What It Means for the Future of Abortion.
–– Already savvier than most politicians there.

How the Supreme Court recalibrated the abortion debate in just 3 words
–– Fuck you, lady.

Newsom signs gun law modeled after Texas abortion ban, setting up Supreme Court fight
–– No mass shootings after first six weeks of ownership.

Gavin Newsom physically recoils at the thought of meeting Ron DeSantis
–– Testicles retreat to bowel.

Trump Tells Team He Needs to Be President Again to Save Himself from Criminal Probes
–– Fulfilling Founding Fathers’ vision of office.

‘My Worldview Has Been Destroyed’: Chinese Banking Scandal Tests Faith in the System
–– Rock-solid worldview based on trust in Xi’s Communist Party?

CIA chief says 15,000 Russians killed in war, dismisses Putin health rumors
–– How about mental ones?

In Washington, Olena Zelenska Dressed for Ukraine
–– We didn’t notice flak jacket.

Self-declared Donetsk People's Republic to shut down Google
–– Feel population not yet dumb enough. Like head genius.

Suspected Fabergé egg found on Russian oligarch’s superyacht, US investigators say
–– Fabergé hen still at large.

Albuquerque is set to unveil bronze statues of 'Breaking Bad' characters Walter White and Jesse Pinkman
–– Will replace motto 'Change Your Persective' with 'Meth, Cheap!'

Boxing legend Mike Tyson says his ‘expiration date’ is coming ‘really soon’
–– We noticed the smell.

Craig Robinson Evacuated From North Carolina Comedy Club Where a Gunman Opened Fire
–– You don’t want audience to kill.

Bay Area chefs say FX/Hulu show 'The Bear' is 'pretty dead on' in depictions of abusive kitchens
–– Bear's resembance?

Ricky Martin's Nephew Withdraws Harassment and Affair Claims in Court, Case Dismissed
–– Cries 'Uncle.'

Roman Polanski Transcript Shows D.A.’s Concerns About Judge’s 1977 Conduct
–– Doo as Roman's due.

William Shatner Sounds Off on ‘Star Wars,’ Latest ‘Star Trek’ Shows During Lively Comic-Con Appearance
–– Star shit enterprise.

Infinity (Gem)Stones Valued at Over $25M Debut at to Comic-Con
–– Seller provides sufficient lubricant to fist glove.

Kit Harington Was Unaware He Had Curly Hair Until He Began His Role on ‘Game of Thrones’
–– First time he dropped drawers?

House of the Dragon showrunner says alternate Targaryen sigil 'honors where Daenerys left us off'
–– We heard it took place before GOT and thus was presigil.

Jamie Campbell Bower Reacts to ‘Stranger Things’ Memes: ‘What Is a Vecnussy?’
–– Don't know, but coined by Vecpussy.

Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart's tortilla challenge is hilarious
–– If you’re 5-year-old with massive head injury.

Should ultra-long blockbuster movies have intermissions? Here's what experts say.
–– 'Excuse me, I need to go to the john.'

Jennifer Lopez Shows Off Wedding Band After Detailing Her Las Vegas Wedding With Ben Affleck
–– Played Macarena, Chicken Dance, Hokey Pokey.

Lindsay Lohan’s Mega-Watt Smile Turns Heads in New Idyllic Swimsuit Photos
–– Other empty bulbs.

Lupita Nyong'o embraces her 'pasta body' as she poses in bikini after Italian vacation: '#EnjoyYourBody'
–– Macaroni and cheesecake.

‘Desus & Mero’ Split Up, Ending Showtime Series After Four Seasons
–– Went to pesus.

Michelle Obama Announces Second Book, ‘The Light We Carry,’ With 2.75 Million Copy Initial Print Run
–– Sounds like light reading.

How ‘Black Bird’ Deviates From the Real-Life Story to Explore ‘Male Gaze’ and ‘Toxic Masculinity’
–– And other catchphrases middle-aged white guy creator Lehane had to spew to get Apple TV+ to run it.

Jordan Peele Shuts Down Fan Who Called Him the Best Horror Director of All Time: I Won’t ‘Tolerate John Carpenter Slander’
–– At this point he deserves M. Night Shyamalan slander. Or even Ed Wood Jr. slander.

The Keke Palmer Moment Is Here to Revive Us All
–– Except Bill Murray.

How Much Power Does Batman Need for His Ascender Gun?
–– A descend amount?

Stephen Colbert’s Team Has Charges Dropped for Filming Insult Dog Segment at Capitol Without Escort
–– Legal Triumph.

Jeff Bezos’ Girlfriend Lauren Sanchez Dines Under the Eiffel Tower in a Lacy White Summer Dress Without Shoes
–– Boy, Jeff is cheap!

Mark Cuban says he asked Elon Musk how many kids he was going to have. Musk’s reported reply? ‘Mars needs people’
–– Added, ‘that’s why I hired little green nanny.’

Russell Crowe and Johnny Depp ‘Broke’ Director Peter Weir, Ethan Hawke Says
–– Weir dohs.

Brad Pitt Makes a Bold Style Statement in Linen Skirt at ‘Bullet Train’ Berlin Premiere
–– “I smoke too much dope!”

Jon Hamm tried to make 'Hamm Slamm' a thing at the MLB All-Star Game
–– Belongs in privacy of own bathroom.

Alicia Silverstone and her son Bear, 11, still share a bed: 'Every choice I make is either built on instinct or deep research'
–– ‘Or deep-seated neurosis.’

Billy Bob Thornton Wasn't 'Equipped' for Fame in 20s Due to 'History of Certain Chemical Refreshments'
–– Would've been bigger asshole?

Amanda Seyfried Says She “Bent Over Backwards” to Audition for ‘Wicked’ Movie Role
–– Maybe she thought it was Exorcist sequel.

Chelsea Handler and Jo Koy announce their split with 'heavy hearts'
–– Just being Koy.

Dave Chappelle show canceled by venue hours before performance
–– Over the trans some.

Quidditch is changing its name to quadball to cut ties with J.K. Rowling
–– Golden Snitch renamed Sexqueer Bitch.

Lacking Motivation, Magnus Carlsen Will Give Up World Chess Title
–– Checks out.

Vince McMahon Announces Retirement From WWE
–– Pulls pin.

Inside Kendrick Perkins' multimillion-dollar Frenchie business
–– He must have quite the tongue.

Where Dalí Once Painted the Sea, Wind Turbines Are Set to Rise
–– Droopy melting ones, but still…

Obscure Disneyland spot holds one of park's oldest secrets
–– Walt’s emergency gin reserve in hidden ass compartment of Mickey statue.

The Heavy Metal Band Showering Fans With Blood and Semen
–– Performing at Lollapasplooger.

The Penn Station $7 Billion Fix-Up Moves Ahead: Here’s What to Know
–– Will still smell of sweat, urine.

Knott’s Berry Farm Closes Early Due to “Unruly Behavior”
–– Knott nice.

I Need a Summer Hat That Isn’t a Baseball Cap. What Should I Wear?
–– ‘Hats have become a semiological minefield.’ Actual NYTimes subhead.

’Disgusting and unbelievable': Mom who says daughter and niece were ignored by Sesame Place character speaks out
–– Felt bad.

Indian restaurant faces backlash for listing dosa as ‘naked crepe’
–– From Twitter users or ‘fucking idiots’?

Missouri McDonald's Goes Toe-To-Toe With Nearby Dairy Queen in Brutal Road Sign Roast
–– Isn’t that belly-to-belly?

I was shocked when I looked at McDonald's water under a microscope
–– How do you think other diners felt?

The Jewish Deli: An American Tale Told in Pickles and Pastrami
–– Exhibit doesn't cut mustard.

Kelp is on the way: Why we should all be eating seaweed
–– Chased down by Zombies?

At 27, she wrote a book on how to enjoy life without the thing people think they need to have fun
–– Clearly, sense of humor.

Nearly a Third of Gen Z Is Living at Home (and They Plan to Stay)
–– Z for Zeros.

Why BMW is offering heated seats on a monthly subscription
–– Still guessing? Getting warm?

How an author, a NASCAR star and a young boy flipped 'Let's Go Brandon' on its head
–– Wrote story of Biden falling off bike again?

Uvalde intensifies doubts over whether tiny police agencies make sense
–– There needs to be height requirement.

‘Good Samaritan' identified in Greenwood Park Mall shooting; called 'hero' by his girlfriend's family
–– Remember Biblical story of Samaritan hunting down, shooting bandits who stripped, beat traveler?

‘Law & Order: Organized Crime’ Crew Member Killed in New York in Early Morning Ambush
–– If only it was ‘Law & Order: Anti-Gun Unit.’

‘Justified’ Sequel Stops Production After Shooting Incident Near Set
–– By rag right type.

Teen With Toy Gun From Viral ‘Orbeez’ TikTok Challenge Shot and Killed
–– So still went viral.

Her death remained a mystery for 46 years. Now, DNA evidence from a coffee cup at the airport led to an arrest
–– Nailed caffiend.

An elderly woman died after falling into pond and being 'grabbed' by two alligators, authorities say
–– Gator raid dunk.

Massive ring weighs nearly a pound and contains more than 24,000 diamonds
–– To be worn on middle finger.

150 million in jewelry reportedly stolen from armored truck between Bay Area and Southern California
–– So they've narrowed crime scene to 380 miles.

Prints of the world's largest dinosaur species found at China eatery
–– Panoplosaurus Express.

Over 1,000 Ancient Dinosaur Tracks Were Just Found In A Small Chilean Town
–– That is one long walk from China.

Several shark sightings in Cape Cod and Long Island prompt beach closures
–– 'Several' is such bloodcurdling adjective.

At least 30 endangered green sea turtles found with 'bleeding' neck wounds in Japan
–– Vampire eels suspected.

Monarch butterflies are now an endangered species
–– Throne for loop.

‘Black hole police' discover dormant black hole outside our galaxy for first time
–– Ticket for vagrancy.

Mysterious bundle of string on Mars' surface found by Perseverance rover
–– Tied around long green finger!

Noodle-Like Object on Mars Has Disappeared, According to NASA Photos
–– Cooked as side dish for little green meatballs.

James Webb Spots the Farthest Galaxy Humans Have Ever Seen, Near the Dawn of Time
–– Jimmy just got new prescription.

Quantum Scientists Create New Phase of Matter With Two Time Dimensions
–– Trying to make sense of Marvel’s ridiculous ‘Multiverse.’

Can a ‘Magic’ Protein Slow the Aging Process?
–– No. Next!

Debunking myths about suicide helps encourage compassion and understanding
–– Putting gun to their heads.

Deadly pool discovered at bottom of ocean kills everything that swims into it
–– Known as Kraken's Loo.

We don't have a full picture of the planet's shrinking biodiversity. Here's why.
–– Critters didn’t show up on Photo Day.

Why the Dust Bowl was hotter than this heat wave, despite global warming
–– Hold on, you’re asking us to look at climate change in terms of perspective more than decade old?

Climate activists in Italy glue themselves to Botticelli painting
–– Paste á Primavera.

What is parechovirus? Signs, symptoms and risk factors of the virus infecting babies across the country
–– Monkey pox: 'Hey, eyes up here.'

Reforestation company ‘devastated’ after causing wildfire in Spain
–– Though it did create lotsa new work for selves.

Endemic Covid-19 Looks Pretty Brutal
–– Remember, there's no end in endemic.

DeSantis uses federal COVID-19 relief funds to send nearly 60,000 Florida families a $450-per-child check to 'offset the costs of rising inflation'
–– Doesn’t even mask intentions to buy votes.

Gianni Russo says James Caan "was never nice to me," and "the guy (was) nuts"
–– Finally, we hear from Gianni Russo!

At Ivana Trump’s Funeral, a Gold-Hued Coffin and the Secret Service
–– And not a wet eye in house.

Mickey Rooney Jr., Original Mousketeer, Musician and Eldest Son of Mickey Rooney, Dies at 77
–– Mickey doused.

Claes Oldenburg, Pop Artist Who Monumentalized the Everyday, Dies at 93
–– Claes dismissed.