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Week of 06/24/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of the fresco The Judgment of Solomon entitled The Judjment of Samuel with the faces of the Supreme Court Justices who struck down Roe v. Wade replacing the participants and Justice Samuel Alito directing an executioner to '!'Split the Mother as he raises a sword to the figure of Saint Mary praying at the Crucifixion.Supreme Court reversal leaves states free to outlaw abortion
–– So they are pro-choice!

Germany abolishes Nazi-era abortion law
–– Alito: ‘But that was my inspiration!’

These Are the 13 States That Will Ban Abortion Now That Roe v. Wade Has Been Overturned
–– Dead Red states.

‘Shock and Dismay’ Over the Abortion Ruling
–– From those simply not paying attention.

Read the full decision for Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization
–– If you have even shred of confidence left in Court.

Justice Thomas: SCOTUS ‘should reconsider’ contraception, same-sex marriage rulings
–– Well after reconsidering him.

Chief Justice John Roberts says Supreme Court went too far in taking the 'dramatic step' of overturning Roe v. Wade
–– Displays wet noodle with which he threatened to flog colleagues.

Barricades go up around the Supreme Court ahead of possible Roe v. Wade ruling
–– Reinforcing cut-off from reality.

Joe Manchin Says He ‘Trusted’ Neil Gorsuch And Brett Kavanaugh, Is Now Disappointed
–– That’s real tragedy of ruling.

Kavanaugh gave private assurances. Collins says he ‘misled’ her
–– Not first woman he left hurt in dark.

Thousands travel to Florida for abortions. The Supreme Court’s ruling could change that.
–– Effect on tourism our biggest worry.

I Prayed and Protested to End Roe. What Comes Next?
–– Smote by lightning bolt?

Texas GOP adopts resolution rejecting 2020 election results
–– Seems treasonable.

Rep. Dan Crenshaw compares far-right activist who confronted him to 'angry little boys' who 'can't get girlfriends'
–– Talk about incelts.

Majority of Americans say Trump should be criminally charged for role in Jan. 6 Capitol riot, new poll shows
–– Jack of all traitors.

'Smoking gun': Former AG Eric Holder said a note where Trump told DOJ 'just say the election was corrupt' is proof of a crime
–– Like that other sux-shooter: “I would like you to do us a favor, though.”

“If You Bite the Head Off of the Snake, the Rest of the Snake Will Die”: Daniel Goldman on Prosecuting Trump
–– Um, be our guest.

Trump says it’s ‘not even a question’ McCarthy should’ve put Republicans on Jan. 6 panel
–– Panel schmucks.

Kevin McCarthy is officially in Donald Trump’s doghouse
–– Sniffing Eric’s backside.

January 6 hearing: Mark Meadows said he knew Mike Pence stopping certification was illegal
–– Associate of Arts degree from U. of Southern Florida really paid off.

Mark Meadows wanted to bribe Georgia investigators by sending them ‘a s***load of POTUS stuff’, aide says
–– Was sure commemorative plates signed by Trump would do trick.

Rep. Scott Perry played key role in promoting false claims of fraud
–– Perry wangle.

Trump's acting defense secretary tried to investigate a voter fraud conspiracy involving Italian satellites that the DOJ called 'pure insanity'
–– Miller: ‘But it was in the script Scott Perry handed me!’

GOP Sen. Ron Johnson says the fake electors he tried to give Pence on January 6 came from GOP Rep. Mike Kelly
–– Who got them from Pittsburgh phone book.

Tucker Carlson Amazed That Feds Forced Trump Lackey Jeff Clark Out of Home in His Underpants (Video)
–– How’d he get Carlson’s underpants?

Bill Barr says he's 'not sure we would have had a transition at all' to Biden if DOJ hadn't investigated Trump's baseless voter fraud claims
–– Now think we would've preferred forcible removal of body from office.

Inside the 'complicated relationship' of Trump and DeSantis
–– It’s very Moe and Curly.

Vox Populi: 'How can you tell Donald Trump was behind the insurrection? Because it failed!'
–– How can you tell Democrats are behind Jan. 6 hearings? Same reason.

Stephen Colbert explains staff arrests at Capitol: 'This was first-degree puppetry'
–– Triumph of the swill.

Here’s what you need to know about the ‘boyfriend loophole’ holding up gun safety negotiations
–– Won't even touch 'plus-one loophole.'

Senate passes bipartisan gun violence bill, marking breakthrough
–– In gun-control-in-name-only legislation.

Supreme Court could soon make it easier to carry guns in six states
–– See, they aren't pro-life!

Supreme Court finds N.Y. law violates right to carry guns outside home
–– Totes amazing!

‘The View’ Hosts Rage Over ‘Tone Deaf’ Supreme Court Ruling to Broaden Gun Rights: ‘It’s Such a Middle Finger to New York’
–– After 'thumb-in-ass' of lame Congressional bill.

Greene, when a Brit asked about mass shootings: What about mass stabbings?
–– What about mass stupidities?

John Mellencamp slams politicians for not doing more to prevent gun violence: 'They don't give a f*** about our children'
–– Cougar down.

I know exactly why Uvalde police didn’t rush that classroom. And who can blame them?
–– I mean, bullets hurt!

Gas tax holiday likely to land on empty amid Democratic opposition
–– Mascot Dino Frickin' Frack furloughed.

Biden pushes back after Chevron CEO says oil industry has been vilified: ‘He’s mildly sensitive’
–– Pumping irony.

Rep. Lauren Boebert called Biden's infrastructure bill 'wasteful' and 'garbage.' Now she wants $33 million in infrastructure funding for a new bridge.
–– 'Wasteful garbage' her nickname in high school.

E.U. leaders make Ukraine a candidate for membership
–– Must beat Freedonia in primary.

Train wreck Herschel Walker polling at 7% among Black Georgia voters, but he can still win | Opinion
–– Running back to back?

Herschel Walker said there are 52 states. Should we care?
–– He did include solid, liquid.

The secret of why evangelicals love Herschel Walker (and Donald Trump)
–– They’re really, really, really stupid.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says Russian President Vladimir Putin 'was very sexist' toward her during meetings
–– But did put shirt back on when she asked nice.

Ukrainians set to withdraw from Sievierodonetsk
–– Could never spell name, anyway.

South Dakota Senate convicts and removes state attorney general in impeachment trial after he killed pedestrian in 2020
–– Didn’t accept lane excuses.

“There’s a Lot of Shows and Not As Many People”: Behind Broadway’s Closures
–– “And did we mention sucking part?”

Tom Hanks Lost His Temper And Swore At A Crowd Of Fans After His Wife Rita Wilson Was Tripped And Everyone Is In Shock
–– Woody wouldn't, would he?

Taylor Sheridan’s ‘Yellowstone’ Prequel Series ‘1932’ at Paramount+ Renamed ‘1923’
–– And is set in 1914!

Kate Bush Salutes ‘Stranger Things’ Creators Duffer Brothers as Records Tumble
–– Collector drops stack of LPs.

Christian Bale’s Gorr the God Butcher Almost Had a Kate Bush Dance Scene in ‘Thor: Love and Thunder’
–– Put on chopping block.

Johnny Depp’s Attorney Camille Vasquez Aids Man Who Suffers Medical Emergency Aboard Fight
–– Pope weighs sainthood.

Addison Rae on feeling 'comfortable' in her body: 'Sexiness comes from within'
–– Stupid just sits right there on surface.

Donna Mills says she was the 'model for Sandy' in 'Grease'
–– Claim not's landing.

Priscilla Presley's 1985 Description of How Her Relationship With Elvis Began Is Hard to Shake Off
–– We’re all shook off.

Why Brad Pitt quit smoking and drinking altogether during the pandemic: 'I don’t have that ability to do just one or two a day'
–– Pitt crude.

Katie Holmes Just Introduced Her Boyfriend to Suri Amid Reports She Hasn’t Seen Her Dad Tom Cruise in Years
–– He’s his ex-wife’s father?

Sailing the high seas with John Davidson, the superstar time forgot
–– After erroneously labeling superstar.

Emma Thompson talks difficult 'Leo Grande' nude scene and showing 'intimacy without romance'
–– Earns stretch marks.

‘Queer Eye' star Tan France opens up about bleaching his skin when he was 9
–– And named Toast.

J.K. Rowling thought she was talking to Zelensky. It was Russian pranksters.
–– And we’ll cover in embarrassing detail because we think she’s transphobic.

‘Crash’ Director Paul Haggis Arrested on Sexual Assault Charges in Italy
–– Accused of bang-up job.

After Paul Haggis Arrest, New Italian Film Fest He Helped to Launch Tries to Move Forward
–– Have begun referring to founder as Paul Sheepudding.

Bill Cosby calls verdict an "astonishing victory" after jury finds he sexually assaulted a 16-year-old in 1975
–– How he characterized actual assault.

Kim Kardashian Calls Kanye West the 'Best Dad' in Father's Day Tribute
–– While staring at photo of Caitlin Jenner.

Elton John, Bob Dylan and More Music Legends Send 80th Birthday Wishes to Brian Wilson
–– God Only Knows if he understood them.

Claudia Schiffer, 51, sizzles in floral bikini at the beach: 'Simply ageless!'
–– The bathing suit?

Jenna Elfman, 50, reflects on 'snapback' culture after 1st pregnancy: 'Do other women look like what happened to my belly?'
–– Mama June’s face before plastic surgery.

Here is everything Darth Vader said in ‘Obi-Wan Kenobi’
–– And reader, do not even try to escape this torture.

Ezra Miller reportedly exposed children, including a baby, to guns, bullets, and weed on their farm
–– OK, you win –– you’re weirdest freakin’ celebrity.

What went wrong with Lightyear?
–– Didn’t make Buzz cut.

A third ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ movie is finally in production
–– Strictly for ancient Greeks.

‘Wonder Woman' star Lynda Carter jokes that she 'invented thirst traps'
–– In desert of network TV.

Jennifer Lopez introduces one of her twins with gender neutral pronouns
–– Refers to left breast as ‘them.’

Confounded by all the ‘Jeopardy!’ winning streaks? You’re not alone.
–– Don’t give fuck one? You’re legion.

The Obamas’ Higher Ground Leaves Spotify for Audible Multiyear Deal
–– Takes low road.

Charles tells Commonwealth leaders dropping Queen is ‘for each to decide’
–– ‘But when I’m King you bloody well better scrape and bow before me.’

Queen Elizabeth is 'fading away before our very eyes': royal expert
–– Now she’s Howard Thurston?

The Queen has a new hairstyle for the summer
–– So even hair’s disappearing?

Prince William: I want to raise my children like my mom, Princess Diana, raised me
–– Or raised Harry?

Coach dives into pool to rescue American swimmer Anita Alvarez at World Championships
–– After she medaled in reaching bottom.

Sha’Carri Richardson suffers stunning setback at U.S. championships
–– ‘But after first hit it felt like I was moving so fast.’

Elon Musk says Tesla’s car factories are ‘gigantic money furnaces’
–– ‘That burn clean.’

Two killed after Chinese electric car falls from third floor of company’s offices
–– Suicide or was it pushed?

Prosecutors recommend Ghislaine Maxwell be sentenced to 30 to 55 years in prison for sex trafficking
–– Max Security?

How Bad Are the Germs in Public Restrooms, Really
–– Remember Todd? He entered stall, never returned.

Man loses USB flash drive with data on entire city’s residents after night out
–– Flash dunce.

Hong Kong’s landmark Jumbo floating restaurant sinks at sea
–– Jumbo crab meet.

E-scooters were supposed to fix travel in Rome. Then they became a major problem
–– Roamin' noes.

Thousands of ‘witches’ could be posthumously pardoned in Scotland
–– And tits will no longer be used as temperature gauges.

2 Actors From Netflix’s ‘The Chosen One’ Are Dead After Cast and Crew Van Crashes in Mexico
–– Death chose two.

U.S. to give some ‘Havana syndrome’ victims six-figure compensation
–– And lifetime supply of Advil.

Gustavo Petro Wins the Election, Becoming Colombia’s First Leftist Leader
–– Don't narc if you haven't tried it.

Exposure to any light during sleep linked to obesity, serious health issues, study finds
–– Especially from open fridge door.

Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is changing its name
–– To Kraft Macaroni and Cheese-like Substance.

Homesick Italian flew over mothers to launch restaurant
–– They waved below inspiring him to carry on.

The cost of $4.99 rotisserie chickens: Costco gets sued for animal mistreatment
–– Resist fowl union.

She ordered a burger on Grubhub — and included a desperate plea for help
–– ‘No ketchup!!!!

How Animals See Themselves
–– Ponds, puddles, bird baths.

How to Bring Your Dog to Work Without Being an Asshole
–– Psych! You can’t.

The mites that breed on our faces are getting clingier by the day
–– A mite needy.

Could reptiles and amphibians hold the key to the fountain of youth?
–– And will you look like them if you live long enough?

It's 'Penis Flower' Bloom Season
–– Pluck you.

A 3,400-year-old city in Iraq emerges from underwater after an extreme drought
–– Highrise and dry.

Pompeii: Ancient pregnant tortoise surprises archaeologists
–– Described as ‘shell-shocked.’

Nasa halts auction of moon dust and cockroaches expected to sell for $400,000
–– Will allow lunar tick sale to proceed.

Britain to pull $18B in bank notes as it switches from paper to polymer
–– Determine there’s not enough plastic crumpled in oceans.

This Styrofoam-eating ‘superworm’ could help solve the garbage crisis
–– But will have to be kept away from skulls of Supreme Court justices.

Trump swayed by ‘dangerous ideas’ about coronavirus, Birx tells House panel
–– Any idea dangerous in that head.

Tony Siragusa, Super Bowl winner turned fun-loving sideline reporter, dies at age 55
–– Tackled.

James Rado, co-creator of 1960s Broadway sensation ‘Hair,’ dies at 90
–– Trimmed.

Mark Shields, political analyst on CNN and PBS ‘NewsHour,’ dies at 85
–– Lowered Shields.