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Week of 05/06/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Draft Overturning Roe v. Wade Quotes Infamous Witch Trial Judge With Long-Discredited Ideas on Rape
–– 'Thou shalt verify pregnancy by seeing if harlot floats.'

At 80, Bob Dylan finally gets a museum
–– Guess he painted masterpiece.

John Roberts calls release of draft Roe v. Wade reversal a 'singular and egregious breach' of trust and orders an investigation
–– Breach baby.

Chief Justice John Roberts reportedly called the person who leaked the draft opinion overturning Roe v. Wade 'foolish' and 'one bad apple'
–– In spoiled bunch.

Biden Calls on Congress to Codify Roe, Urges Voters to Elect ‘Pro-Choice Majority’
–– To GOP cod Roe sounds fishy.

'You Insulting Punk': Geraldo Rivera Explodes After Greg Gutfeld's Abortion Tirade
–– Although that is job title at Fox.

Clarence Thomas says he worries respect for institutions is eroding
–– But not fast enough.

Attorney General Merrick Garland responds to the Supreme Court potentially overturning Roe v. Wade.
–– Ajudycate Garland.

Rep. Speier: You don't want to wear a mask, I don't want you in my uterus
–– So here’s a mask, climb aboard.

President of Belarus, a Russia ally, didn’t expect war to ‘drag on’
–– And Lukashenko seems so astute.

Putin's hand shakes before he grips chair arm and awkwardly taps his feet during meeting with Lukashenko two months ago in latest sign Russian leader is suffering health problems
–– Lukashenko’s shakes as he gives Boss hand job.

Russia’s Sergey Lavrov asserts Hitler "had Jewish blood," prompting Israeli government fury
–– Well, yeah, on his hands.

Putin apologizes to Israel for bizarre 'Nazi' comments
–– Adds, 'Hitler too smart to be Jew.'

Who is Alina Kabaeva, Putin's alleged girlfriend?
–– Clue in headline.

Russians plunder $5M farm vehicles from Ukraine -- to find they've been remotely disabled
–– Deere Lord, they’re stupid.

Trump Organization Accused of Hiding Witness Who Knew if Trump Lied
–– In same huge walk-in closet as dozens of others.

Rudy Giuliani backed out of a meeting with the Capitol riot committee after it denied his request to record the interview
–– Wanted it for posteriorty.

Second Woman Goes Public With Accusations of Groping Against Republican Gubernatorial Candidate
–– Was Herbster smoking weed?

Trump said Nebraska gubernatorial candidate accused of groping 8 women is 'the most innocent human being'
–– 'Compared to me.'

‘Tattooed on my rear end!': Cruz mocks GOP candidates invoking Trump
–– Cruz personally has deep inside.

The Oath Keepers Wanted to Protect a MAGA Lawmaker. The Jan. 6 Committee Wants to Know Why
–– Honey bunch of Oaths.

AOC has a message for Americans who already paid off their student loans: 'We can support things we won't directly benefit from'
–– ‘Even as we kick selves for stupidly scrimping to pay off debt.’

Biden must cancel federal student debt 'for each and every borrower,' 8 state attorneys general say: 'Now is not the time for half measures'
–– Who apparently never took economics in college.

Paul Gosar spends most in House on taxpayer-funded travel even as he rails against 'bloated' government
–– Would let him skim triple if he wouldn't come back.

Mike Pompeo Goes After Trump-Backed Dr. Oz
–– Like Cowardly Lion.

Madison Cawthorn Says 'Blackmail Won't Win' After Nude Thrusting Video Leaks
–– Different strokes…

Labeled One of D.C.'s 'Worst Bosses,' Lawmaker Says Her Style Is 'Not For Everyone' as Aides Speak Out
–– "Just for these incompetent idiots to whom I already explained how to write a press release 100 friggin' times!'

‘It’s Gonna Be May' meme turns 10 years old
–– 'May' be stupidest ever.

Bill Gates warns Elon Musk could hurt free speech on Twitter and calls meeting Epstein a ‘mistake’
–– Wish he'd had Epstein barred.

Warren Buffett: Give Your Money to ‘Monkeys Throwing Darts,’ Not Financial Advisers
–– Monkey Throwing Darts is latest Berkshire Hathaway subsidiary.

Biden to visit Ohio to tout new manufacturing capabilities like 3D printing
–– Or pretty good facsimile thereof.

Biden mocked Fox News hosts at the White House Correspondents' dinner, saying they're all 'vaccinated and boosted' at the event
–– With lead which caused brain damage.

Opinion: Trevor Noah's jokes hit home
–– Completely missing funny bone.

Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) responds to Trevor Noah cracking jokes about him at the White House Correspondents Dinner.
–– Outlaws 'uppity comics' in Florida.

Fox News and Tucker Carlson use 'minute-by-minute' ratings that show their audience loves 'white nationalism' talking points, report says
–– Should retitle program White Noise.

Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock Joke About Their Attacks: “At Least You Got Smacked By Someone of Repute"
–– Had beat cred.

Chris Rock asked 'was that Will Smith?' after Dave Chappelle stage attack
–– Slap happy.

Howie Mandel admits he's 'really afraid' to perform after Dave Chappelle attack: 'I don't want to go onstage'
–– From Silver Linings file.

Kevin Hart says attack on Chappelle suspect ‘needed to happen’ to take steps forward
–– He's all Hart.

Jamie Foxx helps Dave Chappelle fight off attacker who tackled him on stage during stand-up set
–– In latest edition of Comedian Football League.

’Doctor Strange 2’ Star Benedict Cumberbatch Sick of Defending ‘Spider-Man’ Spell
–– Turns critics into frogs.

Elizabeth Olsen says she was spoiled by sisters Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
–– They told her she could act?

Netflix’s two 365 Days movies are basically porn – and both have 0% on Rotten Tomatoes
–– Come more than once a year?

‘Fast 10’: Louis Leterrier Universal’s Pick to Replace Justin Lin
–– Diesel fuels sub compact?

Wanda Maximoff is back. LGBTQ fans have been waiting.
–– Clutching scarlet broomsticks.

Joan Jett Drops a Cherry Bomb of Truth Over Ted Nugent Best Guitarist Diss: ‘He Has to Live With Being Ted Nugent’
–– Noodges him.

Actress Lisa Rinna, 58, shares nude photo to defy ageists: 'Here's my old and ugly'
–– Really her ‘exhibitionistic and needy.’

Scientists Claim They Can Make Human Skin Act 30 Years Younger
–– Like it was Hollywood actress.

Amber Heard Fires PR Team Days Before Testifying in Johnny Depp Defamation Trial
–– Heard complaints.

Amber Heard testifies Johnny Depp performed 'cavity search' for cocaine: 'I froze'
–– He wasn’t just rehearsing role as dentist?

Bill Murray Speaks Out On ‘Being Mortal’ Production Suspension: “I Did Something I Thought Was Funny, And It Wasn’t Taken That Way”
–– 'Reached for' comment?

Frank Langella Speaks Out After Netflix Firing: ‘I Have Been Canceled’
–– The fall of the grouse of Usher.

Fred Savage Fired As ‘The Wonder Years’ EP/Director Following Investigation Into Inappropriate Conduct
–– Savaged.

‘Unfaithful’ at 20: Diane Lane recalls hurting her neck after '50 takes' of same sex scene
–– Sounds like she blew it often.

Danica Patrick got breast implants to 'be more perfect'
–– And brain implant ‘too expensive.’

Man who grew penis on arm wants to date Kate Beckinsale
–– Forearmed is forewarned.

‘Anatomy of a Scandal' Star Sienna Miller on Her Recent Choices of TV Roles: 'I'm Obviously Warped'
–– Age does that.

Liam Neeson’s Atlanta cameo references his racism controversy: ‘You might have heard about my transgression’
–– Taken to task.

'Name names? Never, never, never!’ Lee Grant on her decades of defiance
–– Easier now when she can’t remember.

Phillies vow to move on from 9th inning collapse
–– To standard blowout.

Warner Bros. Discovery reportedly cancels Wonder Twins film at HBO Max
–– Only Wonder is Who?!

Rarely seen photos from the Met Gala show celebrities letting loose
–– From Ladies, Mens rooms.

Addison Rae Rocks Barely-There Afterparty Dress Following 2022 Met Gala
–– Because she’s barely-there.

He Wrapped Landmarks in Fabric. Years Later, His Art Turned Up in a Dumpster.
–– Yeah, well, did you see the work?

'Mama's boy' is a flex, not an insult, for a new generation of men
–– 'Wussy' badge of honor, 'Butt boy' highest compliment.

Woman finds 2,000-year-old bust of Roman general in Texas thrift store priced at $34.99
–– Should've been delivered to General Store.

Amateur Archaeologist Stumbles Onto Trove of Coins Dated to Constantine the Great's Reign
–– Clumsy bastard just tripped right over them.

Treasure Hunter Unearths 2.38-Carat 'Frankenstone' Diamond
–– Not created in lab?

Creepy dolls covered in barnacles or missing their limbs keep washing up on Texas beaches
–– Near creepier sunbathers.

Why researchers have such a hard time determining the sex of dinosaurs
–– Difficult to get them to lie on back.

Australian Platypus And Echidna Actually Come From The Antarctic Circle, Scientists Discover
–– Where they have summer homes.

Was this hyena a distant ancestor of today's termite-eating aardwolf?
–– Aard to believe.

Dog clings to life after being trapped 16 hours in mud along Alabama river
–– Life sorta caked on him.

Imitating a Richard Gere film, dog escapes city and travels 40km home to live the life he had before his owner died
–– Dressed in Navy whites from An Officer and a Gentleman.

Your instant ramen will taste better with one simple addition
–– Zillion Dollar Lobster Frittata.

Sweetgreen is testing a location where you can't buy anything
–– Your lettuce not good there.

The James Webb Space Telescope is almost ready to start blowing our minds
–– About to share some primo acid it just scored.

Fifty Years Later, Researchers Unbox Samples From Apollo 17
–– Too late to return for refund.

NASA Begs Please Don't Send Us Your Meteorites, So What Should You Do If You Find One?
–– Stick where Sun don’t shine.

Spirit rejects JetBlue's offer, saying it wants less lucrative deal with Frontier
–– Terrified it might improve service.

What Your Younger Employees Are Really Thinking
–– “Do I have to?!”

Signs of an Animal Virus Discovered in Man Who Received a Pig’s Heart
–– As well as appetite for swill.

Giant Rodents 'Invaded' a Wealthy Gated Community. What Happened Next is a Lesson for Cities in the Climate Change Era
–– Wanted to be with own kind.

How to survive an alligator attack -- or better yet, avoid one entirely
–– Snap decisions.

All’s not lost for the vaquita—even though its gene pool is shallow
–– But it really needs new PR firm.

Drug-resistant fungus could be lurking in your compost, but you can reduce the risk
–– Shoot up indoors.

Here’s what the fugitive inmate said he'd do if he got out, authorities reveal, as search for him and corrections officer stretches from coast to coast
–– ‘Evade incompetent police.’

Warrant issued for Alabama corrections officer on charges of permitting or facilitating escape of missing inmate
–– Bonnie and clod.

What are cookies, exactly, and are they good or bad? Cyber security experts break it down
–– Even crumble it?

How to Pray to a God You Don’t Believe In
–– By Ashur of Mesopotamia.

Man fatally stabbed in Times Square Dave & Busters, career criminal in custody
–– Said we’d never be caught dead there.

Lula launches campaign to reclaim Brazilian presidency from Bolsonaro
–– Is this part of his punishment?

Brazil's president told Leonardo DiCaprio to 'keep his mouth shut' after the actor called on Brazilians to vote for pro-climate candidates
–– Bolsonaro's is creating all the hot air.

The massive, unregulated source of plastic pollution you’ve probably never heard of
–– Breast implants?

14.9 million excess deaths associated with the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020 and 2021
–– Excess and 'ohs!'

Does US really have world's highest Covid death toll?
–– Or is it just bragging again?

Kathy Boudin, 1960s radical imprisoned for fatal robbery, dies at 78
–– Way Underground.

Naomi Judd to be inducted into Country Music Hall of Fame one day after her death
–– Feet first.